sometimes weekly

a blog by nick butler

[nickbutler]

To Nick: Questions from 2010

Back in September 2010, when I was just starting my senior year of high school, I wrote an email to myself through FutureMe.org titled “Questions for the Future.” In it, I asked several questions for myself to answer in 2017. Below you'll find the answers to those questions. Enjoy! 

Dear FutureMe,

This email was sent by you (me) in September 2010. 

Is the Simpsons off TV yet?

No. And honestly, I don’t remember being a fan of the Simpsons, so I don’t know why I would ask this. I guess for posterity? 

Did they make an Arrested Development movie?

No, but they did make a new season which was alright. And there’s another new season coming out in 2018. So, kind of? 

Is Will Ferrell still making awesome movies?

Not, uh... not really.

Is Conan O'Brien still on? Jon Stewart? Colbert?

Yes, but on TBS. No. Yes, but on CBS. Overall, late night TV is probably worse now than it was in 2010. Sorry, me. 

Do you still watch Psych, House, The Event, NCIS, Fringe, The Office, 30 Rock, Communtiy, SNL?

I don’t even know what the hell The Event is, so no to that. I still watch The Office on Netflix (Netflix is a prominent video streaming platform in 2017).

Did they ever make a sequel to Cloverfield?

Kind of, they made it into an anthology series. So not really.

Is the iPad still "revolutionary"?

I’m not sure what I meant when I put "revolutionary” in quotes, but tablets are very popular so it seems like the iPad had an impact. Personally, my phone does everything I’d use a tablet for — and for that reason, I’m out.

Has anything truly amazing happened with technology? 

Yes, this happened. 

How much money do you have?

Not enough. If you get this answer in 2010, invest everything in Bitcoin. Pls.

How much does gas cost - today it's $2.87?

About $2.50, so cheaper actually. Thanks Obama. 

Has the Tea Party destroyed America yet?

I wouldn’t say destroyed, but they certainly haven’t helped.

How’s the whole Israel / Palestine thing?

Samsies.

Was Barack Obama reelected?

Yes.

Now please, for the love of God, don’t ask any more questions about the presidency. 

Who is the president?

Oh, my sweet summer child. 

Best,

Nick Butler 9/28/2010

[nickbutler]

Fox News Accidentally Advertised My Fake Trump Dating Website

A few months ago I set up a parody Donald Trump-themed dating website aptly named Trump.Singles. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, didn’t I almost get sued by Donald Trump for owning a website with ‘trump’ in the name? Yes, yes I did. But in the end The Donald cut me a two figure check, which I think means I won the legal battle and I’m allowed to do it again. Plus, that was before he was running for president, and now I think it’s my patriotic duty and God-given right to make fun of Donald Trump.

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The concept behind my Trump dating website was simple: in an effort to breed the most luxurious and intelligent wall-building babies the world has ever seen, Trump.Singles would serve as a place where wealthy people with the last name Trump could meet other wealthy people with the last name Trump. The only downside to Trumpbreeding is that the children would have cartoonishly small hands.

Now, here’s the thing. I often start funny projects like Trump.Singles and never really tell anyone about them. It goes a little like this:

An idea pops in my head

I immediately start working on the idea, usually by building a website

I remember I have other life responsibilities like completing my Master’s degree and going to work every day

I abandon the idea

For example, I registered a super PAC called Draft Stone Cold PAC to encourage WWE’s Stone Cold Steve Austin to run for President. I even set up a website and a Facebook page which has nearly 1,000 likes. But then I never did anything with it because, well, I’ve got other things to do and getting the Texas Rattlesnake to run for president isn’t too high up on the list.

Trump.Singles was one of those projects. Until last week, when this happened.

Last week, Fox News’ Fox and Friends aired a segment featuring the website TrumpSingles.com (you may see where this is going) which is an actual, real thing that exists for Trump supporters to meet other Trump supporters without having to worry about the awkward moment they reveal that they’re a Trump supporter. 

After the Fox News segment aired, thousands of single Trump supporters looking for love flocked to the internet and searched for “Trump singles.” Well, it turns out that my website, Trump.Singles, was the first result when you Googled that phrase. What’s more, the actual TrumpSingles.com crashed due to the heavy load of horny Fox News viewers, causing even more people to end up on my site in an attempt to connect with other Trump singles as quickly as possible.

I thought it was pretty obvious my website was a parody, but of the 4,000 people who visited Trump.Singles, at least 89 people who filled out the “Sign Up” form apparently had no idea. This led to some great “applications” to join Trump.Singles. 

Here are some of my favorite comments that were submitted (and again, these are 100% real): 

Just heard about your website on Fox News. What a great idea. I wish you success. - Joe J.

Thanks Joe! It’s already a success, trust me. 

I have been a Donald Trump supporter since the beginning would love to meet a gentleman that has the same political views for our wonderful country! Trump2016 - Jackie C. 

I wish you all the best Jackie. 

i wanna find me a sugar daddy so i can get that trump stump - Brittany B. 

Well then. 

Go TRUMP or go home! - Eric T.

I think America is getting ready to go home in November.

I hope this is legit!!!! - Suzanne A. 

It’s not. 

I am a trump supporter - Michele V. 

I am not a trump supporter. - Nick B

This is a great idea! I support Trump for POUS. I also predicted he'd win when he first appeared he was running!!! - Emma B. 

If you predicted Trump would be the GOP nominee when he first announced, then you’re far smarter than I am. Also, it’s POTUS. 

its great - Steve W. 

If it’s already great, then what is Trump trying to do again? 

No comment. - Sharon P. 

Cold.

your domain names. .com and .org are jammed solid watched on f and f this morning couldn't get on  - Craig S

So my website was the third Trump Singles site you tried using? Craig...I’m so sorry. 

Want to join and have you become President. - Lester B.  

Nick Butler 2016 - Lester B. 

I'm black.. - Michael M. 

Look, my African American! 

I am a patriotic American that wants this country to be great again. I want to meet somebody that will snuggle on the couch with me as we watch the election results roll in and celebrate when Mr. Trump crushes crooked Hillary. - Betty S. 

Betty is looking for the man of her dreams. Literally, because what she just described will never happen. 

On one hand, I feel bad for these people. On the other hand, it’s pretty damn obvious my website is a joke. Right next to the form they filled out, it says:

Unfortunately, none of the people who submitted an application to Trump.Singles was actually a member of the Trump family, which means I had to deny their application. I didn’t want to break their hearts too bigly, so I delivered the news in a way that would seem familiar to them: I wrote the rejection email as Donald J. Trump. 

This is that email. Read it in Donald Trump’s voice. 

Dear Applicant,

Congratulations on your application to Trump.Singles! The United States is so weak, no one is in love anymore. We just don’t love.

Trump.Singles is one of the greatest websites in the history of the internet, and we’re going to make America love again! Everyone is talking about Trump.Singles, everyone … Fox News -- they love it, everybody loves it!

I’m going to make you love so much that you’ll be begging me to stop. You’ll say, “Mr. Trump we’re tired of loving, we need to stop loving,” and I’ll say, “No, we’re going to keep loving, we’re going to love so hard and so long -- we’re going to love like you’ve never loved before.” Believe me, you’re going to be begging me to stop loving -- and this won't be the first time someone has begged me to stop, I can tell you that.

Catfish, have you heard about this? Have you heard about Catfishing? These people are taking our profiles, they’re taking them and destroying our dating websites -- and we don’t know who they are … they’re rapists, they’re murderers, and some -- I assume -- are good people.

We have a catfish problem in America, and these people are so weak they can’t even respond to it. Little eHarmony and Lyin’ Match.com are so weak. It’s pathetic. Sad.

We’re going to build a firewall so big that these catfish aren’t going to be able take our profiles.

We’re going to delete their profiles and their families profiles. Get ‘em out! Out! Out!

And you know what? They’re going to pay for the firewall -- I know deals.

But we have to make sure Trump.Singles is exclusive, only for the most wonderful and the most beautiful people in America. This website -- you know, I own many golf courses. And, you can’t just let anyone become a member, and so these weak people will try to join, and we have to say no. We just can’t let them on the course. And, you know, I like them -- believe me, many of them are good people -- I want to let them on the course. But we can’t let them on the course. So, this website is like my luxurious golf courses. We can’t let everyone on.

It’s very exclusive.

Right now, this website is just for members of my family, okay? Other Trumps, who I know are rich -- very rich, I’m not bragging, but very rich. I know they have good genes. My daughter, I’ve said before -- you know, if she wasn’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her. I don’t think Ivanka would do that, although she does have a very nice figure.

So, unless you’re a Trump, you know, I can’t let you join. Alright?

God bless,

Donald J. Trump President United States of America

That’s it. If (and when) I receive some responses to that email, I’ll be sure to update you all. In the meantime, if your last name is Trump and you’re looking for love, feel free to check out Trump.Singles. 

[nickbutler]

The Echo Chamber: A Look at UAlbany

Please note: This article is not funny. Usually I write about funny things, like Donald Trump suing me or North Korea tweeting at me. This one is serious. I’ll write another funny thing next week, or the week after...or the week after.  

If you’re a University at Albany student or alum, you’ve more than likely been following the ongoing saga surrounding an alleged racially motivated incident on a CDTA bus that’s now being reported as false. 

In the days following the alleged attack, I personally remained silent on social media. My silence was not reflective of apathy or a lack of care for the victims of the alleged attack, but rather reflective of my understanding that my voice was not needed in the discussions happening. What could I possibly add to the dialogue? What would a post of support for the victims really amount to? What would be gained by me saying “wait for all of the facts?” Nothing. So I remained silent. 

Beneath my silence was horror. When I first heard about the alleged incident, I didn’t think: That could never happen here! Because the truth is that it could happen here, it has happened here, and it will happen here again. It may not be on the news, the victim may not report it, and there may not be a rally showing support, but racism exists on every university campus -- including ours.

The Racial Gap

I’ve never felt the effects of racism. As such, it’s difficult for me to imagine what it feels like to experience racism. I’ve never been watched in a store while I shop. I’ve never had a problem getting a cab after a night at the bars. I’ve never been passed over for an opportunity I deserved. 

When I hear about racism happening, I sometimes subconsciously question the claims: Are you sure that’s why they were watching you in the store? Maybe the cab was going to pick someone else up. Was the other person more qualified?

Instead of accepting these things as acts of racism -- which I’ve never experienced -- I relate them to my experiences. My experience is that, if someone is watching me in a store, it’s not because they think I’m going to steal something. If a cab drives past me, it’s not because they didn’t want to pick me up. If I’m not given an opportunity, it’s because someone else was more qualified. 

We naturally relate stories we hear to our experiences, even though the experiences of a white person and a black person are completely different. Sure, sometimes a cab drives past a person of color because they’re going to pick someone else up. But every time? Most of the time? 

When three black women on a CDTA bus are attacked and say it was racially motivated, it’s easy for me -- a white male -- to think: Well, what did they do? Let’s wait for the facts. Because for me to get attacked, usually I’d have to do something. I’d have to say something provocative. I’d have to push someone. I’d have to be the instigator. 

Beneath my silence was horror. Horror that I truly believed a racially motivated attack could happen at UAlbany while I simultaneously questioned the reported incident: Well, what did they do? Let’s wait for the facts. I accepted the premise but questioned the story. Why? 

The Echo Chamber

This racial gap is widened by the echo chamber of social media. Each of us has accumulated friends on Facebook who largely reinforce our beliefs. My friends are mostly white, and mostly liberal. On Twitter, it’s even worse -- I follow blogs and commentators I know share my views. I like hearing that I’m right, and Republicans are wrong. We all like hearing that we’re right. 

This echo chamber creates a disproportional sense of importance. What seems important on my news feed is hardly mentioned on yours, and what is important on your news feed isn’t even mentioned on mine.

People who were outraged by the alleged CDTA bus incident are likely to be connected to one another. People who actively questioned the validity of the claims are likely to be connected to one another. While there is certainly some overlap between the two groups, there isn’t much. Post after post, the outraged became more outraged, and the skeptics became more skeptical. 

Now, with news that the alleged incident may not have happened, the skeptics are outraged and the outraged are skeptics. You can’t blame either group: each are rightfully angry about something. 

The Availability Heuristic

Defined as “a mental shortcut that relies on immediate examples that come to a given person's mind when evaluating a specific topic,” the availability heuristic explains my deepest concern about the aftermath of this alleged incident. 

Let’s say that the incident didn’t happen the way it was first reported, which a recent news stories suggests. Now, if a racially motivated attack occurs on UAlbany’s campus, I fear people won’t believe it just because this one recent case -- which was highlighted by media outlets driven by clicks and ratings -- happened to be false. 

This one incident may not have occurred, but it could have. This one incident may not have occurred, but it has. This one incident may not have occurred, but it will. 

The Actions of a Few

In situations like this, it’s crucial to remember that the actions of a few should not define an entire population. Most claims of racism aren’t falsified. Most cops aren’t cold blooded killers. Most Republicans aren’t terrible people. Okay, that last one may not be true, but you get the point. 

We can’t let small groups of people control the narrative. We need to be aware of each other, of each other’s experiences, and have constructive conversations. Some may criticize UAlbany’s President for his swift response to these allegations now that they are being called into question. But for the past few semesters -- before this entire situation occurred -- President Jones has been hosting “Critical Conversations” surrounding topics of race in America. This topic isn’t new to him by any means. 

President Jones is the son of sharecroppers and grew up in the deep south in the 1950′s. The racism he has surely experienced in his life is beyond anything I can even imagine. The calls for him to apologize, to me, are a joke. Should he have used the word allegedly? Yes. But his experiences told him this sort of thing could happen. He’s seen it. He’s lived it. 

If they were lying, the actions of these few women set back the very movement they co-opted. The outraged are now more outraged. The skeptics are now more skeptical. But I challenge you to be mindful of the racial gap. Be aware of the echo chamber. Avoid the availability heuristic. Don’t let the actions of a few define the rest. 

[nickbutler]

Introducing: Seriously, Don’t Approve This SuperPAC

You know what’s better than having your own superPAC? Having two superPACs! Today, I’m happy to announce that the FEC has approved my application for a second superPAC: Seriously, Don’t Approve This SuperPAC. 

You would think there may be some rules or laws to stop you from having control of two organizations that are allowed to spend unlimited amounts of money to influence the American political system, but it turns out there aren’t. How much money is two times unlimited dollars?

You may remember that for my first superPAC, I spent a whopping 49 cents on the stamp to send in my application. Well, it turns out the FEC actually has an online filing system, so this time my superPAC was free! I feel foolish having wasted a stamp and 49 cents on my first superPAC, that’s big money I could’ve used to influence some folks. 

My first superPAC endorsed Bernie Sanders for President, but I’m thinking I may use this one to endorse Hillary Clinton. She’s by far the most experienced candidate and Bernie really doesn’t have a chance in November. Wait, actually -- is Jim Gilmore still running? 

[nickbutler]

‘Don’t Approve This SuperPAC’ endorses Bernie Sanders for President

The fun thing about having your own superPAC is no one can tell you what to do with it. 

So, when Bernie Sanders said “I don’t want a superPAC” I took that as a challenge. Today, I’m happy to announce that Don’t Approve This SuperPAC is endorsing Bernie Sanders for President of the United States. 

[nickbutler]

Introducing: Don’t Approve This SuperPAC

Last week, I filed paperwork with the Federal Election Commission to start an independent expenditure-only political action committee (or superPAC) named Don’t Approve This SuperPAC. Despite pleading with the FEC to not approve my superPAC by literally naming it “Don’t Approve This SuperPAC,” they went ahead and approved it anyway. 

You read that right, I have a superPAC. Like, actually. Don’t believe me? You can check out the superPAC’s website at DontApproveThis.com.

Thanks to the Supreme Court’s ruling in Citizens United, I have the actual power to actually collect and spend unlimited amounts of actual money to influence the American political landscape. 

I know what you’re thinking: “Wow! This is impressive! This must have been really difficult to do!”

Nope! Turns out it’s superEASY to start a superPAC. It took me 15 minutes to fill out the Statement of Organization form, which officially lists me as the “Unpaid Intern” and “Chief Con Man” of Don’t Approve This SuperPAC. Once I finished the application, I thought it might be difficult to find a bank who would open a public funds checking account for an organization with “Don’t Approve This” in its name. But, thanks to the great people at Trustco Bank, I was able to open a new account in less than 30 minutes! 

“But Nick,” I hear you wondering. “How much did all of this cost?”

It’s true. There is a cost associated with starting a superPAC, and I’m not proud to admit that I paid it. In order to start a superPAC, you have to buy a stamp for the envelope you send your application in -- and that stamp will set you back about 49 cents. It’s a small price to pay for the power to collect and spend unlimited amounts of money to influence the American political landscape. 

As we move forward, I’m going to give some thought to what candidates and issues Don’t Approve This may advocate for (or against). In the meantime, I urge you all: don’t donate to Don’t Approve This SuperPAC.

Nick Butler Don’t Approve This SuperPAC Unpaid Intern & Chief Con Man 

[nickbutler]

2016 Iowa Prediction: Trump and Sanders

Well, it’s finally here. After years of speculation and millions of dollars spent, the 2016 election will officially start in Iowa today. The build-up to this election cycle has made it clear: anything is possible in 2016. So, with that in mind, I’m sharing my official predictions for the 2016 Iowa Caucuses. 

Dem Caucus Results: #FeelTheBern

Sanders 47% Clinton 43%

Are you feeling the Bern? If not, maybe it’s because you don’t think the Bern is a plausible Democratic candidate for President (or you’re a Republican) -- and that’s fair. But a victory in Iowa could shift that narrative, and pave a path to the Democratic nomination for Senator Sanders. I think Bernie pulls the upset in Iowa by stealing O’Malley voters who are forced to support another candidate (or go “undeclared”) when he fails to get 15% and from young voters who are sure to support the Senator in potentially record numbers. If anything, the recent polls probably downplay Bernie’s support in the state, which is largely white and liberal, because they may underrepresent (or underestimate) the turnout of young voters. 

GOP Caucus Results: Trump, Trump, Trump

Trump 31% Cruz 19% Paul 12% Rubio 11%

My prediction for the GOP caucus hinges on two factors: 1) I trust that Trump supporters, who may have never caucused before, will actually show up to vote and, 2) polls are underrepresenting Rand Paul’s “strength” in Iowa. The recent media narrative has been the Rubio surge, which I don’t necessarily think is happening to the degree it seems. Why? Because I think Rand Paul is probably stronger than polls are currently showing, drawing some votes from Rubio and Cruz. Ron Paul received 21% of the vote in Iowa in 2012 and I think he’ll retain some of those voters (who may not be captured in polls) for a surprise 3rd place finish. 

[nickbutler]

My 2016 Prediction: President Michael Bloomberg

This election cycle is weird. Donald Trump is leading the Republican field. A socialist is contending for the Democratic nomination. And now, there’s a possibility of a third party candidate.

I’m going a step further. I think Michael Bloomberg will be our next president, and here’s how: 

In April 2016, Michael Bloomberg announces his candidacy after polls show abysmal favorability ratings for Trump and Clinton, who are the presumptive nominees of their parties. Heading into November, it’s unclear who is going to win -- but it certainly isn’t Bloomberg. While he has support in the North East, he fails to gain traction anywhere else. 

Three days after the election, the votes are counted and it’s clear: no candidate received 270 electoral votes. Hillary Clinton wins the popular vote, Donald Trump wins the most electoral votes. 

Michael Bloomberg spoils the election.

So, the election goes to the House of Representatives. 

To the American people, it appears as though Trump will be elected by Republican-controlled House. Each state’s delegation gets one vote, and there are more Republican states than Democratic states. Liberals are calling on the House to honor the popular vote and elect Hillary Clinton, while Conservatives are calling on the House to honor the electoral system and elect Donald Trump. 

But behind the scenes, a different story is developing. A small coalition of Democratic leaders consider an alternative option: support Michael Bloomberg as a compromise candidate. They privately appeal to a small caucus of progressive Republicans in the House from states like Nevada and Pennsylvania . They ask the Republican members to abandon Trump -- effectively saving the Republican party -- and vote for Michael Bloomberg. A consensus is built, and a week before Thanksgiving, Michael Bloomberg is America’s President-elect. 

On January 20th, 2017 Michael Bloomberg is sworn in as the 45th President of the United States of America. 

Bloomberg’s Vice President, elected by the Senate, is Governor Sarah Palin. 

[nickbutler]

6 Crazy Donald Trump Theories You Won’t Believe!

Did you watch the debate last night? No, seriously — did you watch it? That was a real thing that happened. That was a real moment in American history. I know, you don’t believe me — you’ve convinced yourself it was just a dream. But it wasn’t. There are pictures and videos of it happening, because it really happened. Like, seriously.

It wasn’t a dream.

The debate had it all. You’ve got your New Jersey tough guy, thirsty Florida man, out-of-place neurosurgeon, recalled Governor, brother of America’s “favorite” “president,” the out-of-touch bigot from Arkansas, Ted Cruz, the crazy guy who — when compared to the rest of the folks on stage — maybe isn’t that crazy, and some guy who wandered onto the stage who sounded way too rational to be a part of the debate.

And, of course, Donald Trump.

In the interest of full disclosure, I feel it necessary to disclose that have a personal history with Donald Trump. You may recall a few months ago when he threatened me with a $100,000 lawsuit and and I called him a “wealthy, human-sized orange.” But the point of this argument isn’t to rehash old wounds, it’s to make new ones.

Donald Trump is running for president. This is really happening. It may seem innocent enough, and might even seem funny to some. But this is a very serious matter, a matter beyond anything you could have ever imagined — until now.

For the past several weeks, I’ve devoted my life to investigating Donald Trump’s campaign for president and its larger societal implications, as well as his existence in general, and what I’ve uncovered is truly groundbreaking. In this post, I put forth six individual theories that explain Donald Trump’s existence. 

1. Donald Trump is the Antichrist. No loving God would ever create a Donald Trump, it just doesn't make sense. If you subscribe to Christianity, it’s taught that humans are made in His image. There’s simply no way Donald Trump can be a reflection of God’s image, and therefore, no way Donald Trump could ever exist. That is, unless he’s the Antichrist. I know, I sound crazy, but before you get angry let’s consult a passage from the Good Book to confirm:

2 John 1:7 - For many deceivers are entered into the world, who confess not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist. The antichrist will own many luxurious golf courses.

Did you catch that?

There’s a subtle reference to “luxurious golf courses” which I believe to be an indication that, as I hypothesised, Donald Trump is the Antichrist. Let’s consult another passage:

Matthew 24:26 - Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, I am in the desert building many luxurious casinos; go not forth: behold, the people love my casinos, they simply can’t get enough of my casinos; go not forth.

There it is again! This time, there’s a reference to “luxurious casinos” which I believe seems to point toward Donald Trump being the Antichrist. The second part of that passage seems to indicate that “[he who is] in the desert building many luxurious casinos” would also try to brag by saying, perhaps untruthfully, “the people […] simply can’t get enough of my casinos.” On a few limited occasions, Donald Trump has been known to be a bit of a brag.

While there seems to be sufficient evidence here, I’m a man of science. Like me, there may be skeptics out there who simply don’t believe an Antichrist is coming, or maybe they doubt that Donald Trump is that antichrist. And that’s fair. Honestly, that would be good news, because the Antichrist is a sign of the end times. So let’s explore other possibilities that may explain the Donald Trump Enigma.

2. Infinite Universes: This is my leading theory. Basically, the theory of infinite universes says that there are an infinite number of universes, and anything that can happen, will happen. Each universe has a different iteration of our reality. This would mean that there are infinite versions of you at this very moment, and each version of “you” does something different until every possible thing has happened. One version of you is a successful stockbroker, one version of you is a drug dealer, one version of you walked on the moon, one version of you is currently reading this post — hey, thanks! In our universe, we unfortunately got the version of Donald Trump that became a goofball billionaire and decided to run for president. Basically, we drew the short straw. Thanks, our universe.

3. Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. This one explains itself.

4. We’re living in a computer simulation: Many scientists believe this may actually be the case, and it seems to make sense. In this computer simulated reality, Donald Trump could be a virus running amuck in the software that programs our society, and we can only hope Our Programmers will fix the bug soon. Alternatively, we have displeased Our Programmers and they are punishing us accordingly. What have we done, Almighty Programmers? Forgive us. Forgive us.

5. This is a dream: I know I began this post saying that this isn’t a dream, but what if it is? Did you see Inception? Someone might be in my subconscious right now planting Donald Trump’s existence to distract me while they extrapolate valuable data I’m storing in my thoughts. What are you trying to get, my wifi password? ...I’m on to you

6. It just is: Perhaps I put too much thought into this, and Donald Trump just is. Like you and I, Donald Trump exists. It turns out more people than I would've imagined (20% of the Republican Party) support his candidacy. Maybe that’s just the reality of today’s America. Some Americans like the hard-talking, big-mouthed candidate who isn’t a polished political robot — hell, that’s pretty much why I love Joe Biden.

So maybe Donald Trump’s candidacy and support is a reflection of an American electorate fed up with politicians who specialize in doublespeak, who constantly fail to accomplish even their most routine tasks, who continually over promise and under deliver, who have time to attend big-shot fundraisers but can’t be bothered to engage their constituents. Maybe people are fed up with politics as usual, and are gravitating toward someone different — not perfect, certainly not perfect, but different. Maybe that’s what’s happening. Maybe that explains Donald Trump.

Nah, we’re definitely in a computer simulation.

[nickbutler]

“Hey @nickbutler, it’s North Korea!”

A few years ago I engaged with North Korea in direct, high-level conversations on one of the the most secure international communication networks known to man: Twitter.

Back in 2010, North Korea launched an official Twitter account, @uriminzok. This was the first presence the secretive nation had on social media, and I thought, “Wouldn't it be fun to get North Korea to tweet at me?” So, using Google translate I simply asked: “What is your YouTube account?”

One day later, North Korea responded -- they sent me a link to their YouTube account. 

Mission accomplished.

So, North Korea tweeted at me. As far as I’m aware, I’m the only American to have ever been tweeted at by North Korea. Which is admittedly very, very strange. 

The tweet almost certainly put me on an NSA watchlist. Around the same time, the spy agency began collecting data on social connections of US citizens to track “connections between intelligence targets overseas and people in the United States.” This tweet gives me a direct connection to North Korea, so I’m probably on the “people to keep an eye on” list. It also gives my Facebook friends and Twitter followers a second degree connection to North Korea ... so, you’re probably on the list too. My bad. 

A year after this tweet, I discovered that a Japanese blog -- which has since been deleted -- had looked rather extensively into the exchange. They wanted to know one thing: “Who is Mr. Nick Butler?” 

Spooky!

This screenshot is the only remaining image of the blog post. Luckily, I sent excerpts of the post to a friend on Facebook shortly after discovering the article. The Facebook chat is still archived today (which is slightly unsettling), so I can share some of the things that were said in the post. 

Ultimately, the blog looked at my brief exchange with North Korea and my background, noting my Twitter profile described me as “the senior editor of MovieViral.com,” concluding that I was a “movie lover.” The post also noted that I like politics. It went on to examine whether or not I had a “special relationship with North Korea.”

After reviewing my tweet, North Korea’s reply, and my subsequent reaction, the author of the article concludes that “Mr. Nick seem to be extremely normal American,” but went on to say, “Mr. Nick North Korea's support is indescribably creepy.”

Well, there you have it folks. My support for North Korea is, according to at least one Japanese blog, “indescribably creepy.” But definitely not as creepy as the guy North Korea follows. 

Nick likes politics and does not, in any regard, support North Korea. Like Sometime Weekly on Facebook and Twitter.

[nickbutler]

That time a Lord of Parliament offered me a bribe

(Please note: I’ve altered names in this post to protect individual identities.)

This may come as a shock to a lot of you, but I’m not the only Nick Butler in the world -- in fact, Nick Butler is a pretty common name. In the early 1900’s, one guy named Nick Butler was the President of Columbia University, ran for Vice President of the United States, and won the Nobel Peace Prize. He pretty much knocked me out of contention for the “Best Nick Butler Ever” award. Given the commonality of my name, last year I hosted a Nick Butlers “Meeting of the Minds” convention on Twitter (only two other Nick Butlers participated). 

Well, it turns out that one of me is a high-ranking official in a well-known British company that has a lot of interest in the dealings of the British government. As such, you can imagine that this Nick Butler would have a number of ties to both houses in Parliament. Normally, this would be of little interest to me, as I generally don’t follow the lives of other Nick Butlers. However, back in 2012 I received an email which was a bit mysterious. It was addressed to me and seemed innocent enough. But I just didn’t understand it:

Nick: Does the name Nicole Wade mean anything to you from BP perchance? Best Robert

Then I looked at the email address… @parliament.uk… what? Then I looked at the name in the “Sent” line… Lord Barnes… what? Then I looked at the confidentiality clause at the bottom of the email.

UK Parliament Disclaimer: This e-mail is confidential to the intended recipient. If you have received it in error, please notify the sender and delete it from your system. Any unauthorised use, disclosure, or copying is not permitted. This e-mail has been checked for viruses, but no liability is accepted for any damage caused by any virus transmitted by this e-mail.

Wait, what? Why the hell did a member of the House of Lords just email me asking if I know who Nicole Wade from British Petroleum is? Something isn’t right. (Also, I’m realizing now that by sharing this story I’m breaching the disclaimer above, whoops). So, I responded honestly:

Robert, I don't believe that I'm the Nick Butler that you're looking for, I'm afraid you have the wrong email address. Best, Nick

Robert responded two hours later, with a brief message that, too this day, remains the most British thing anyone has ever said to me:

Now that we were on first initial basis, I responded with a brief messaging saying it wasn’t a problem and as an American student studying political science it was a thrill to receive an email from a member of the House of Lords -- even if by accident. We exchanged a few emails chatting about politics. He described himself as a socialist guru and questioned how far right American politicians really lean. Then he took a shot at George McGovern for how badly he was “drubbed” in the 1980s. Finally, he complained about the current state of politics in the United Kingdom saying, “...and now we want European levels of public service at American levels of taxation!” It was all very entertaining, but our two day stint as international pen pals ended as quickly as it began. Or so I thought.

Three months later, I receive another email:

Nick: Clearing out my junk mail I found one from you just saying you hoped we could accept your invite. Sorry but I don’t know to what this refers? Would you help please? R

No, Robert, I can’t help. I have even less of an idea of what you’re talking about than you do. At this point I’m wondering why anyone would let you handle your own emails. Seriously, you shouldn’t be blasting out emails left and right to people who share the name of whoever it is you’re trying to reach.

In any event, I responded saying he had yet again reached the wrong Nick Butler. To which he replied (again) in a very British manner, “Oh dear so sorry.”

I responded with a quick email saying (again) it’s not a problem and it’s always a thrill to get an email from a member of Parliament as it’s something I can tell my friends about. I figured that was the end of our bizarre relationship which, at this point, has basically become me telling him I’m not the Nick Butler he’s looking for and wishing him luck. But then I got another email:

Nick: So long as the next email does not contain my detailed proposals for a BP bribe in return for my parliamentary services! Robert

Woah, wooooahhhh. Robert, I’ve emailed you like 5 times. You’ve got to be more careful making jokes like this. One screenshot sent over to the British tabloids and you’re in a world of trouble. Think before you act, you’re a Baron for Christ’s sake -- you can’t be joking about bribes with people you don’t know!

But luckily for you, we share a sense of humor (or “humour”) so it isn’t that big of a deal. In fact, I’m fired up! You’re dishing it out, so I’m gonna send one back your way! I reply to his email with a quick response:

Robert, That email would still be a thrill for me, just not for you! But I’m sure for the right price we would be able to keep it all under wraps. Nick

Then I wait. 

And I wait. 

And I wait. 

Nothing, no response. No “haha,” no “LOL!” Nothing!

Lord Barnes throws me an alley-oop, I slam dunk it, and then he goes radio silent! The hell is that Robert? I thought we were on first initial basis? Do you know how awkward it is for me to have emailed a joke about a bribe to a Lord of Parliament and then have them completely ignore me for the rest of time, Robert? I have to live with that. How am I the one feeling like I did something wrong? I’m not a member of Parliament, you are! You shouldn’t be joking about bribes!

Alright. Well, that’s it. That’s the story about the time a Lord of Parliament offered me a bribe -- and then I offered one back to him and he totally ignored me. 

I hope you’re happy, Robert. I hope you’re happy.

[nickbutler]

The one where Donald Trump cuts me a check

In case you missed the original story a few weeks ago, Donald Trump threatened me with a $100,000 lawsuit over my ownership of the top-level domain trump.foundation, a domain name I registered in good faith. Mr. Trump believed the domain infringed on his “Trump” trademark, even though the word trump was first used over 400 years ago. 

After weeks of legal advice and soul searching, I decided it probably wasn’t in my best interest to get in a legal kerfuffle with an elderly wig who throws a hissy every few weeks for attention (and who has millions of dollars to dump into a lawsuit). So, I agreed to transfer ownership of the domain to Mr. Trump if his organization reimbursed the original cost of registration -- $39.99. Mr. Trump’s attorney said that request was acceptable, and now I have a $39.99 check from The Trump Corporation.

Sure, $39.99 doesn’t seem like a lot. And sure, I may not be able to afford a $25,000 Ivanka Trump diamond-capped seed pearl double tassel lariat, on a vintage-style seed pearl chain, accented by a small diamond-set oval station -- every boy’s dream tassel lariat -- but there’s still a lot of things $39.99 can buy. For example, $39.99 can buy nearly 4,000 copies of Trump’s book, “Trump: The Art of the Deal,” which is listed on Amazon for $0.01 and makes for great kindling (shipping and handling not included). It can buy two bottles of Trump’s cologne “Success,” which you can spray directly into your own eyes to avoid imagining what a Trump presidency would look like. And finally, $39.99 can get you six Merriam-Webster dictionaries where you can look up the word trump and not see a picture of Donald Trump, because trump is a fucking word that has been used since 1529. But, I have a better idea of how to spend this money. 

Introducing: TronaldDump.Foundation 

Funded entirely (and accidentally) by a check from The Trump Corporation, the Tronald Dump Foundation was established in May 2015 with a single mission: slightly annoy Donald Trump. For decades, the Trumpinator has been masquerading around claiming he’s a successful businessman, but the man has filed for corporate bankruptcy four times! FOUR! That’s three times and one more additional time! If life was an episode of “The Apprentice,” Don would've been fired years ago.

While Donald “The Hairpiece” Trump may have had a legitimate claim on trump.foundation because of his trademark, he has no such claim on TronaldDump.Foundation. The Tronald Dump Foundation is clearly a parody, meaning it’s protected free speech. Just like we have to listen to the unbearable things that come out of Donald Trump’s dumb stupid mouth, so too does he have to listen to what I say about his stupid face. 

For example, I can say “Donald Trump is a goofball” and he can’t do anything about it. I can also say “Every night, Donald Trump dresses up as Benjamin Franklin and flies a kite atop Trump Tower” without repercussion, because making a joke is protected free speech. In fact, I can even share a photo of Donald Trump dressed as Benjamin Franklin flying a kite atop Trump Tower and still be protected by free speech rights, because it’s clearly a parody. 

Parody is protected free speech, and because Donald Trump is (unfortunately) a well-known public figure, I can post that manipulated photo -- and own TronaldDump.Foundation -- without facing a serious lawsuit. When a reasonable person looks at that picture, they know it isn’t real, just like a reasonable person knows Barack Obama was born in the United States even though he doesn’t look like the previous 42 presidents we’ve had (I’m not counting you twice, Grover). 

In any event, I’m happy to have this trump.foundation nonsense behind me. Now I can look toward to a bright future with TronaldDump.Foundation. I hope you never know what it’s like to stand toe-to-toe with a wealthy, human-sized orange who once Tweeted, “the concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.” He said that. A guy with a billion dollars said that. God help us.

I encourage you to follow Sometimes Weekly on Facebook and Twitter to get the latest and greatest blog posts as soon as they’re available. One of our lucky followers will win a free copy of Donald Trump’s $0.01 book, “Trump: The Art of the Deal.” Just kidding, I literally wouldn’t spend a penny on that book. 

Nick Butler was Time Magazine’s 2006 Person of the Year. He believes strongly that Donald Trump is a goofball.

[nickbutler]

The $1.2 trillion elephant in the room

You know an upward trending graph is never a good sign unless it’s titled “amount of money in my pocket.” Unfortunately, the graph above is not examining the amount of money in your pocket. Rather, it’s a representation of the cost of public higher education over the last 50 years. Here’s the hard truth: the average student graduates with $30,000 of student loan debt.

Thirty. Thousand. Dollars. Wow. The average student doesn’t even have a concept of what $30,000 is, let alone the knowledge of how to pay it back after graduation. Do you know what I could buy with $30,000? … No, really, what could I buy? I’ve never thought about having $30,000 to spend since the most money I’ve ever had was $2,000. $30k is enough to buy like 15 movie tickets, right? Obviously popcorn isn’t included, it’s 30 thousand not 30 million. And you know what, now that I think about it, that $2,000 I mentioned before was my student loan refund. Son of a bitch.

The issue of student loan debt isn’t simply a problem for individual students, it’s a problem of national importance. The national student loan debt is $1.2 trillion (1,200,000,000,000!), with $1 trillion of that guaranteed or held by the federal government. $1.2 trillion is 60 times more than NASA’s entire budget and, in case you forgot, NASA put a man on the fucking moon. For a moment, let’s imagine it cost $1 per mile to travel to the moon. Guess how many spaceflights $1.2 trillion would afford you? Over two million trips to the moon and back. Keep in mind, the moon is TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY THOUSAND miles away, meaning each trip would cost over $400,000.

Now, I’m no economist, but it doesn't take a degree in economics to figure out what happens when you shackle an entire generation to tens of thousands of dollars of debt. Leaving college, young people will be forced to delay doing the things that, historically, we do when we graduate. We won't be able to buy a car. We won’t be able to buy a house. We won't be able to start a business. We won’t be able to do all of the things our national economy is built around. Our education isn’t that much better than the education our parents received 20 to 30 years ago, when only 50% of students were taking out loans and, on average, graduated with under $10,000 of inflation-adjusted debt. So why the hell should we be paying three to four times more than our parents? What needs to change?

Wikipedia has a list of recommendations that experts have proposed to universities, students and the government that could help alleviate this serious problem. It’s a fairly comprehensive list and includes things like increasing government funding, lowering the cost of tuition and allowing student loan forgiveness. These all sound like great ideas and some progress has been made, but unless we, as students, start getting upset at the fact we’re taking on ridiculous amounts of debt to further our education, nothing will change.

I think one of the best things we can do is just talk about it. Talk about our debt. It’s not just a number on a piece of paper, it’s a real tangible thing. It actually exists in the physical world. So, let’s talk about it:

I have $50,000 of student loan debt.

Wait, what? I’m fifty thousand dollars in debt? Hold on, I need a minute. Oh man, this … this is not easy. 50 grand. Wow, wow. What is that, like 20 movie tickets? I do not enjoy this feeling.

Alright … wait, no, hold on. I need another minute. Jesus.

Alright, alright. Okay. Alright. This isn’t that bad. I mean, if I pay $550 a month I should be able to pay off my loans after … 10 years?!?! This really isn’t easy to think about. Now I see why we don’t talk about this. Alright, new plan: let’s never talk about this again. Let’s just cover this up and push it aside until the bubble bursts. No, no. No. We have to talk about this. That’s why I wrote this whole stupid post. I really wish I hadn't done this, I enjoyed living in a world where there was money in my wallet.

This $50,000 isn’t an abstract, imaginary number. It’s real, and it’s representative of nearly 20% of students who take out loans. It’s an amount of money that I will need to pay back in my lifetime (or die trying #joketruth). That debt won’t just have an impact on my wallet, it’ll have an impact on my career choices, things I buy (or won’t be able to buy), investments I make (or won’t be able to make), and a number of other things. It’s going to follow me around for at least 10 more years. And my $50,000 is only 0.000004167% of the $1.2 trillion elephant in the room, so we better start making progress soon. How?

We need to talk about it. I could do the whole “write to your Congressman” pitch, but none of us have time for that because we’re in classes full-time or working to pay off the thousands of dollars we already owe. But you can still talk about your debt. Start a conversation. Start thinking about how you’re going to pay off your loans. Accept that your debt is a real thing, not just a number on a paper. And, if you do have a free minute, write to your Congressperson. Then take that letter and throw it away, because this is the “Do Nothing” Congress and your letter is meaningless. Just kidding, mail the letter to your Congressperson and let a staffer throw it away for you, like our Founding Fathers intended.

Here’s what I’m going to do.

I’m graduating in May, so I’m buying a stole to wear during commencement. On my stole, among other things, I’m going to include my student loan debt. If you’re graduating in May as well, feel free to join me. This isn’t a huge deal, but it’ll help start the conversation about the issue of student loan debt in the United States. If we keep ignoring the issue, it’s not going to get better, so we have to start talking about it. And who knows, maybe along the way we’ll actually make some changes.

Follow Sometimes Weekly on Facebook and Twitter. 

Nick Butler is a student at the University at Albany who’s currently panicking about the amount of student loan debt he owes. Nick has strangely decided to further his education at UAlbany and will be working toward a Master’s degree with a focus in higher education administration. He hopes to pay off his student loan debt before his death in April 2067.

[nickbutler]

When the town fails the gown

Over the last decade, the University at Albany has undergone a significant rebranding effort to rebuild its image as a powerhouse in the State University of New York (SUNY) system. Beyond the literal rebranding effort of referring to the University with more academic-sounding names like “UAlbany” and “University at Albany” (instead of “SUNY Albany” or “UA”), the University has tried to publicize its strengths -- the nationally ranked Rockefeller College, School of Criminal Justice and School of Business, among others. There’s a perception that, for a long time, the University has been held back. It wasn’t allowed (for political reasons or other) to compete on the same level as Buffalo or Binghamton, both of which rank higher than UAlbany on the U.S. News and World Report’s College Rankings.

Over the last year, UAlbany has taken a number of steps to make up for this lost ground: a framework for establishing a School of Engineering, talks to affiliate with Albany Law School, the creation of the nation’s first College of Emergency Preparedness, Homeland Security, and Cybersecurity, and the opening of a new state-of-the-art business building. With all of these successes, coupled with a three-peat and four-peat to the NCAA tournament for the men’s and women’s basketball teams respectively, it seems UAlbany is on its way to the next level of excellence. But take a look at how UAlbany and its students are perceived by the Albany community and you wouldn’t know it.

Five years ago there was a riot-like scene in downtown Albany that caused significant property damage and painted UAlbany students in a terrible light, both locally and nationally. The University took immediate steps, which remain in effect today, to stop this type of behavior from occurring again. UAlbany’s spring break now aligns with St. Patrick’s Day to disperse students and end the “Kegs and Eggs” tradition of yesteryear. The University also cancelled Fountain Day, a nearly 40-year tradition at UAlbany. These decisions were made, reads a press release post-Kegs and Eggs ‘11, to “safeguard and protect UAlbany’s students and reputation.”

We’re five years removed from the Kegs and Eggs incident meaning most, if not all of the students who participated have since graduated or left the University. Yet coverage of UAlbany in the Times Union still largely focuses on the negatives of the University. A simple Google Search of the Times Union website shows most of the coverage about UAlbany is either negative coverage of students (arrests, marijuana use, hazing, etc.) or sports-related news (aside, of course, from where UAlbany students may have been “SEEN” this week).

For three consecutive years following the Kegs and Eggs incident, the Times Union covered the annual student-run Pine Hills Cleanup as UAlbany students “clean up their image” [1, 2, 3]. Take a look at the Pine Hills Neighborhood Association’s (PHNA) College and Community page and you’ll be greeted with a bold headline that reads ”Problems with students/neighbors in your neighborhood?” I’m not suggesting UAlbany students are saints, but we’re also not monsters hell-bent on ravaging the Albany community at any given moment. But the narrative in our community suggests otherwise.

Did permanently cancelling Fountain Day protect the reputation of UAlbany? I think so. But protecting a reputation that is perceived as tarnished doesn’t get you very far. There’s a mentality in college towns to point the finger at students before considering the community as the root of angst and anger. Yes, UAlbany students have made mistakes that contributed to the mentality that exists in the Albany community today. But at a certain point, the refusal of the Albany community to turn the corner on this tense relationship is just as detrimental as the actions of those few UAlbany students five years ago.

Students are often asked to attend Pine Hills Neighborhood Association meetings so as to improve the image of students amongst the community, but how often are PHNA members encouraged to attend UAlbany Student Association weekly meetings to improve the image of the community amongst students? The community is willing to embrace UAlbany’s $1 billion economic impact in the Capital Region but slow to embrace the student body driving that impact. While the Times Union shouldn’t be a propaganda machine for the University and its students, its coverage should extend beyond the successes of our sports teams and into the successes of our academic ventures. The Albany community is getting the best of both worlds while UAlbany students are getting the worst.

When will the community accept that today’s UAlbany students are not the same as those five years ago -- as if the actions of a few should’ve defined all students in the first place? How many more times do students need to pick up the Pine Hills community before the Times Union deems our “image” clean -- as if that’s why we’re volunteering in the first place? How many more nationally ranked programs does UAlbany need before the community and Times Union embraces the University and celebrates its successes? When will the town stop failing the gown?

Nick Butler is the Undergraduate Student Representative on the University at Albany’s University Council and former Vice President of the UAlbany Student Association. He also does a great impression of Barack Obama. 

[nickbutler]

Donald Trump is threatening to sue me

There comes a time in every man’s life when Donald Trump threatens to sue them. For me, it was Monday, March 23rd, 2015 — the day after my 22nd birthday. It seems Mr. Trump’s idea of a birthday present is threatening a $100,000 lawsuit. What a goofball! 

You can read the entire cease and desist letter on Scribd, but here’s the gist of it: I own the domain name trump.foundation and Mr. Trump’s General Counsel, Alan Garten, believes that’s a violation of the “Trump” trademark. He also believes it’s a violation of the U.S. Anti-Cybersquatting Consumer Protection Act. 

I fully disagree with Mr. Garten’s accusation that I’m infringing on Mr. Trump’s trademark or in violation of anti-cybersquatting law. When I received this cease and desist letter, trump.foundation was parked on my server with no content other than the default HostMonster landing page. I have not used, nor have I ever attempted to use, the Trump brand for commercial purposes. I have not contacted, nor have I ever attempted to contact, Mr. Trump or any member of his organization(s) in an attempt to sell the domain name to him. 

Today, I updated the website with a clear disclaimer that it is in not owned by nor affiliated with Donald Trump or any of the trademark holder(s) of the Trump brand. I also provided a definition of the word trump, first used in 1529 — over 400 years before Donald Trump was born (according to Wikipedia, I’d have to see his birth certificate to confirm). 

Mr. Garten has given me 7 days to respond to the cease and desist. He has demanded that I transfer ownership of the domain name to Mr. Trump. Though I have yet to formally respond to the cease and desist demand, I have no intention of transferring ownership of the domain name to Mr. Trump at this time. 

I’ll be sure to provide updates as this develops. 

[nickbutler]

Update: An Open Letter To Men's Wearhouse

I'm happy to report the wonderful folks over at Men's Wearhouse have responded to my customer service request that I shared here last week. This is part of what they had to say.

Dear Nick,  I want you to know I enjoyed reading your email and I hope you don't mind I shared it with our entire company on our internal social media website. I was glad to hear how much you love your your Jones New York charcoal shadow striped suit. I was able to speak with a few stores in your area in regards to fixing the suit. They were not able to give me a yes or no answer based on the description you provided in the email. If you would be so kind to bring your suit into a local store; this way one of our skilled tailors can take a look at your rip. I sincerely hope we are able to fix your suit. Best Regards, Tae-ahj'hsha Men's Wearhouse Customer Relations

Great news!

Unfortunately, I took the suit to my local Men's Wearhouse and it appears the rip is beyond repair. So I responded to their email. 

Hi Tae-ahj'hsha, I really appreciate your response to my email, and of course I don't mind that you shared it with the company! In a sad, but at this point semi-predictable turn of events, I took the suit to my local Men's Wearhouse and it appears, unfortunately, that the suit is beyond repair. I thank you for your help in this time of grieving, you don't know how much it means to me. Your strength and kindness is truly appreciated. I'd request we take a brief moment of silence to reflect upon the many great memories this now-retired Jones New York suit offered. Whether it was that time I was sitting in a meeting, or that other time I was also sitting in a meeting, this suit always had my back. You know the old saying, "Suits speak louder than words" - Abraham Lincoln. Moving forward, I'll begin to look for replacements, but it wont be easy. I am happy to report to you that I'll be keeping my entire suit buying power, which equates to approximately one suit every 5-10 years, with Men's Wearhouse. I liked the way I looked, so I guarantee (ha) I'll be coming back once I save up enough to replace that JNY suit. Until that time, rest easy knowing you have another valued customer. Fuck JoS A. Bank, am I right? What does "JoS" even mean? Just say Joseph. Now, I just Googled it, and apparently Men's Wearhouse acquired Jos. A. Bank in March 2014. With that in mind, I wish to retract my previous statement and offer my sincere apologies. I'm sure their suits are great. Thank you again for all your help. I remain, Nick

A few hours later, Tae-ahj'hsha responded to my response. Here's what she had to say. 

Dear Nick,   Thank you for contacting Men's Wearhouse. I regret to hear your suit is beyond repairable, this is truly a sad moment forall of us. Although this was a long shot, I was sincerely hoping that we wouldbe able to bring your suit back to life. Rest in peace to the Jones New York suit belonging to Nick Butler. May the soul of the suit always be with you. I am hoping to help you with your grieving period. I have added 185 points to your Perfect Fit Rewards account. This had brought you to a total of 500 points. You will be receiving a $50.00 rewards certificate on 3-1-15. You may use this certificate towards your next Jones New York suit purchase or any other purchase.  I know it will be hard to say goodbye, just think of this as a new beginning! We look forward to assisting you finding love again within a new suit. As you have requested, I have looked passed your last statements. Have a wonderful day! Sincerely, Tae-ahj'hsha Men's Wearhouse Customer Relations

[nickbutler]

An Open Letter To Men's Wearhouse

The following is a letter sent to Men's Wearhouse customer service regarding a ripped suit. 

SUBJECT: A torn man Hi, My name is Nick. A few years ago I purchased a Jones New York suit from Men's Wearhouse (which I'm just realizing now is "wearhouse" and not "warehouse" -- very clever) and it quickly became my favorite suit. The suit is a dark charcoal color with distinct, but not overpowering pin stripes that (admittedly) created a slimming effect that I was fond of. This was the suit I put on when I had special occasions, when I wanted to impress those around me. This was the suit I wore when I was conducting serious business, like drinking or celebrating victories or both, not the suit I would wear to a funeral. The suit gave me confidence, it radiated power. It was my armor. My safety net. My laurel wreath, my Holy Grail, made from finest cloth in place of treasured gold. I liked the way I looked. But then tragedy struck. The same night I was elected by my peers to serve as the Vice President of the University at Albany student government, the sleeve of my suit ripped! Caught in a nail when walking past a door frame. Sorrow. The moment I felt the slight tug, and heard the soft but audible rip, I felt sorrow. Of course, I thought to myself. Just when things were looking up. I shopped around town hoping to find a seamstress who would be able to fix this small tear with no luck. I accepted defeat and served my year-long term as Vice President in a lesser suit. Tonight, a year and a half since the incident, I looked in my closet and noticed it hanging there, and I felt that sorrow again. I pulled it out, took it off the hanger, and put it on over my t-shirt. I don't know if you'll believe me, but for a moment, a passing moment, I felt its power once more. I could feel it, flickering ever so softly, that strength and power radiating once more. But as quickly as I felt it, it disappeared. Now, I turn to you. In a last chance, Hail Mary attempt to repair that which was (and will always be) the best suit I've ever owned. God bless. Nick Butler