Harvest Hands

The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field

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Complacent

Today is another day were I am sitting at my office questioning the purpose of it all. This weekend, our Church studied this exact topic so I know where that burning question is coming from in this case. Though the idea of laboring in all we do for God is very real and something I believe in, I find myself in a slump wanting that without the motivation to see it through. What is the real world application of that idea? When the daily grind meets his purpose. Making the meaningless meaningful. 

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Where do I stand?

Asking myself this question today for some reason. I am not entirely sure where it is coming from. Currently sitting Starbucks killing my lunch hour watching two people promoting a charity outside for youth education. FYI its 97 degrees today in Chandler AZ as they do this. I am always baffled by these people. Curious of the motivation and as to how they can have such a pure heart to stand up for a cause they believe in. 

I have been heavily contemplating my intended future with questions like the above. Faced with the realities of the short period of time we really are on this planet, I am staring my goals and dreams right in the face. I know still that is Ministry, I just don't know where. I feel the best place to start with that is Seminary. The obvious hurdle there is the $20,000 it costs. Though I have been challenged by that thought as well. If this is what God has for me how would he not take care of those details in my favor? In any case, I know that I am just mumbling on here. Hoping to find someone in my life I can chat these conversations out with in person. Missing a good male friend in my life and prayerfully asking for that. My wife is great but with the baby and all other considerations its just hard to talk sometimes. 

Anyhow, thats really all I have today. Just a continued jumble but hoping putting it all to paper will help.

Thanks for listening,

Nick 

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For me this came 15 months ago in the form of a lymphoid drug reaction to a medication that I was on. It left me out of work for 3 weeks and on the brink of a spiritual and mental breakdown. Since, I have battling my body and mind to learn a new reliance on God. All of this I am confident so that I could go through the stages of losing self reliance and learning to trust in God daily. It went- Why did it happen? It had to happen. I am glad it happened. I have to admit saying I am glad that I lost my health and now face a daily struggle with autoimmune does not roll off the tongue. Not to mention that it really depends on the day you ask me if I will still hold that conviction. What I do not want to do here is suggest that God made this happen to me, but I am sure it is His hand that has since used it.

I’d like to encourage anyone who is in the mud and midst of anything trying and testing your faith, consider this, maybe its the very thing that was meant to break you that will make you.

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Monday Update

Another day, another attempt to post something meaningful here. However, I find myself wanting to be a story teller with nothing to type. The authentic answer is that I do not have any good ideas, no significant events to tell you about. 

A status update: Lately I have been feeling the pull back to Ministry stronger than usual. That of course has been met with the same fears that have kept me from every pursuing my calling. Things like, I won't fit in with the youth...I won't know the leaders. Silly things, like serving is even about me. I am on the books to check out a Youth service this Saturday. Awkward or not I am going to push myself to go. Praying God will use this to show me what He has next, where I should pour my soul into for His good. I want this ministry so badly. Praying it will become clear as I continue to pursue what I know is the intended and greater life God has planned for me.

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Lately I have been feeling the guilt of being far too much of a consumer in my faith and not enough of a evangelist. While tonight example was far from me going out of my way to spread the good news I did get the chance to take my cousin to her first ever Christian service. I felt a new spark of intention and passion and was happy to have her with us. Thank you Rockpoint for putting on your usual hospitality and bringing the good word! 

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Today I have felt the pull to something greater. Pushing me to stop accepting average or just okay. I feel that fairly often. That tends to manifests itself in many different ways in my attempt fill that void. Trying however to redirect my mind to not whats missing, but whats before me. These two angles count for 99.99% of those blessing. I can't wait to get over my hill and find whats there. Im coming for you, God’s plan. 

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4 Year Story

So here I am.. four years later, four years wiser, four times more stuck in my own mind. I figured it good to come on and tell you where I have been, what I have been up to and how I chased the dream while I was gone. Truth is a lot of amazing things have happened in the last four years. Blessings I could never have expected or dreamed up on my own.  To start.. We have our own space, a place we truly know as home. We have a two and a half year old daughter that is the light of my world. My wife has only gotten hotter and our love stronger. As I type all of this I realize that 99% of the pursuit of happiness has been met with just that in the last four years.

In the last four years I also got promoted and my pay raised.. a few times. Lex is a stay at home mom and we generally have everything we could want or need.

I also ended up in the hospital a few times. Turns out all those years I kept getting sick over and over, my body really doesn't like itself. So much so that I have an auto immune disease. Not the end of the world, but now I am dairy, gluten and soy free in my diet. Considering we need to eat three times a day, it has a pretty big impact on my life. 

I would generally have thought it would take more than a few short paragraphs to get y’all up to speed. But there it is. My last four years.

The constant- corporate America still isn't for me. God did not remove the ministry calling and I am still dreaming and petrified of the day I will drop it all and chase his calling for my life. 

I am hoping if its okay with you, that I will pick up from there. The continued pursuit. I intend to post here religiously moving forward because God knows I need the outlet. More to come on that and trying to transcribe the hamster wheel that is my brain.

I don't want it to be all for nothing, so here is my something.

-Nick 

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Re-Reading your posts

It has been quite some time since i have visited this page, re-read my thoughts  or even really slowed down enough to consider my thoughts. It is so interesting how seasons in your life seem so distinct yet when clarity is met by further confusion a year later, our facts turned into foe and truth completely changes. So here is where I am at: My relationship with God, dismal and needs fixing, I still have my beautiful wife who is expecting our first born! Ms. Bobbie Marie Connor. I am a year into my career and already demanding more and I am now harder on myself than I have ever been. I am under appreciative of the blessings in my life and too stubborn to change. I want to change and be so much better. I still have hope that that will be the case. However, I know in each story there is a starting point. So lets consider this just that, my dot on a line that will hopefully have an arrow pointing up. Im going to hold myself to a post a day for the next 30 days. I look forward to expressing, bs-ing and hopefully growing. Until then 

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Intellectual

I truly wish I could say that I was. Beyond that I wish I was The type of individual who can even begin to use the capacity of my mind. Not to be scholastic, but rather original enough to go beyond text and create. To be someone who’s theory makes up the text and who’s mind while to others is brilliant still yet is not understood as explaining it would be impossible. I do not mean this is a condescending way but a truthful manner. I wish to be misunderstood not for my lack of love for what I do, stunting the growth of my career and caping any sort of potential, but rather to be misunderstood for going for it. It is not seniority or understanding I wish to have, simply to untap the true potential I know lies within each of us

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The truth is.. I do not deserve this women. I do not live up to the expectations and I could treat her so much better than I do. However, I love her with every ounce of my being. She is funny, cute, gorgeous, cunning, passionate, stunning and magical. Everything about this women makes me a better man. I am praying tonight that I will allow God and her to define who I am. I want to do better, be better and love better. Praying that I can be the man of God she sees in me and the man of God, He intends for me to be. The good news is that everyday is a new day and Gods grace spans further than the ocean. True love can fix anything and with Gods love and the love of my amazing wife I know that I can be a better man. Here is being the type of man who deserves the blessings in his life. I love you God and I love you Mrs. Alexis Marie Connor 

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Because I am one of those cheesy guys. Even when I hear a sad song I think about my wife and my mind/heart changes the lyrics:

Say something, I'll always love you I'll be the one, if you want me to Anywhere I will follow you Say something, I'll give it all to you And I am feeling so small God loves us so much but still fall And I will stumble and fall I'm still learning to love Just starting to crawl  Say something, I'll give it all to you I'm sorry that I'm not better to you Anywhere I will follow  you Say something, I will always love you And I will swallow my pride You're the one that I love There is no goodbye Say something, it will always be you And I'm sorry that I'm not better to you Anywhere I will follow you (Oh, Oh, Oh) Say something, I will always choose you Say something, Say I do

Say I do.... 

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Struggling

I do not care how tough you are, life will hit you to your knees..

  But it is not how hard you can hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving

  Most people who say they can do something, and most people who say they cannot are usually right

  Our biggest fear in life is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond belief, it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us the most.

  I did not expect this season of my life to include pain. If I quite however, it will last forever. The margin of defeat is so small. Five hundred applications could equal no job and five hundred and one could mean landing one. My desire is to look into a hiring managers eyes and make them feel my drive. Something different will happen. I understand that most people cannot make career leaps, and I know my resume does not enlighten you on my drive for success. Who do I want to be? I want to be a man who left it all out on the field. I want to be the best provider I can for my wife. “Most people” are not me. Know that I will always fight my way back. I will sacrifice what I am, for what I will become. I do not do well at patience. However, I am already in pain so I will get what I am worth. I will not point fingers, I am not a coward. Every moment is a new moment and I will show you how great I am. God be my shield. Guide my steps. What am I going to do? Keep moving. 

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Space

Honesty its my apology. Lately I have felt so distant from Jesus. But once again Jesus has stepped in and stopped me in my tracks. Yes, I am angry and I have lied to myself and family. I know that my life can never be without purpose. I know God has called me to something much greater. I know Jesus put Pastoring on my heart, and I know it will never leave it. I hope and pray that i can make that a reality. For my soon to be wife so that I can be the man she deserves to be with. I want to start taking my cross up daily and remind myself that I AM SECOND.

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I do

Aleixs Marie Connor- I like the sound of that 

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“Lord where you are I am free”

“Lord where you are I am free”

I have probably heard this line a million times without really feeling its meaning. Today from the start of my day I felt so many different forces pushing against me trying to ruin my day before it even began. Stress seemed liked the only sure thing about my day. But then I decided to plug in Pandora and listen to music while I continued to work this morning and I heard these words. “Lord where you are I am free” I am free of stress, negative energy, and personal attacks. I am free from this world and I am with you. And that truth this morning means everything to me. I can feel my heart transforming more each day Lord as I become more unwilling to settle for corporate America. I want to presue ministry with everything in my being and I know you are preparing me for what comes with that leadership role. Please God instill faith and trust in the heart of someone who can take that lead of faith on me and help me through seminary and allow me to teach now. I want so badly for Mission to give that position to me. I am thankful for your presence today more than I have been in a very long time.

  Thank you Abba 

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Boldly

In 2 short months I will graduate college after 17 years of school with a Bachelor of Science in Global Supply Chain Management. The best part is that I want nothing to do with it. I want nothing to do with business or Corporate America. In order to reach your full potential you have to be bold. In that case I want to boldly say that I never want to go to work again a day in my life, and the only way for me to do that is to follow my dream of becoming a Pastor. Praying God will make my path straight and allow me to pursue my calling before Corporate America gets a hold of me. 

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Realizing what our world teaches

"You can be cured with treatment and religion"

Hard for me to stand firm sometimes with everything going on around me. All I know is that I just want to be happy and stop listening to expectations. Im gonna put my toes to the edge and let go and fall