To preface this blog because I know you're wondering:
I am a white trans man. If the game touches on issues (and if it does so badly) related to race or gender, I may have different insights than someone who is not. A player of color may be a more reliable guide on whether or not this game is racist at any time, for example. (Though I will try to stay aware anyway.)
I agree with critisisms that call the marketing for this game transphobic. See here.
The text for most posts will be under readmores and properly tagged. I do not intend to spoil myself via other sources, and I do not reccomend following this blog if you do not want to be spoiled.
I’m absolutely certain I won’t be able to get across everything I felt while playing the end of this game. But I’ll do my best.
I spent a lot of time deliberating over the choices I was given, during this end section. And I took over 800 screenshots from the start of the point of no return onwards.
I knew at this point that the game was fully capable of ending at V’s death. And it all hung heavy. And while I don’t like to think about these things regarding myself -- I have a problem with that kind of thing, it got to my very core, considering these things for V.
It would not have been out of the question for V to have shot himself on that rooftop. And it would not have been a shameful choice. But here, I got to thinking about everything that V had done with his life up until this point. And most importantly, all the people who he had met, and who had wormed their ways into his heart. All the people he’s called friends. All the people he calls family. He loves them all dearly. He doesn’t want to leave any of them behind. And he doesn’t want to push them away when they’ve openly offered help and kinship.
So I went to the Aldecaldos for help. Even if they would put themselves in danger for me... I wanted to be with them; to give them that chance. It’s not like I wouldn’t die for any of them.
I love Misty tbh. And I fully appreciate her perspective. I think it adds a whole new dimension to the themes of the game.
I really liked the whole sequence with the aldecaldos. I did NOT expect to get welcomed into them as family, just not something I had considered, but it makes perfect sense, and leads to what I consider to be the best possible ending for my V.
I knew going in that potentially all of them could die on this run, so damn if I wasn’t emotionally moved by this.
And I loved being able to walk around and talk to the clan; have their responses be shaped by what quests i’ve completed for them before. These are people I might be spending the rest of my life with, one way or another, might as well get to know them lol. That shooting minigame was also fun.
The fight through to arasaka was intense. And the fight with adam smasher was pretty damn good. I wish so much that there were more fights like that in the game. The use of the towers to block smasher’s missiles was an interesting use of the environment (and this game’s fights are best when they use the environment) and I liked having an excuse to use my upgraded jump to follow smasher to the upper levels. It was fast and intense and made me consider the environment and opponents and I loved it. CDPR pls give us fights like that in the dlcs.
And then I go into the brainfreezer, have an emotional sendoff with Jackie, because you know I just fucking died as my brain gets uploaded into an engram, so of course I see him. See you in the afterlife, Jackie.
And then Alt starts quoting fucking T.S. Eliot at me, whose poems I LOVE. And it starts getting really fucking emotional. I’ve since gone back and reread several other T.S. Eliot poems since then with cyberpunk in mind, and wow. My experience has been expanded upon.
So then this happened. And my heart went into my throat.
All that we worked for. All the people that died. All the people that could be dying out there right now to fight for me. And at best I come back with six months.
I don’t know how to explain the rapid, circular, conflicted, emotional, back-and-forth my brain went through when presented with the choice.
And, I love when games are able to do this. When they seem to reach through the screen, and become part of your thoughts. The game gains a new dimension within yourself. The designed conflict is that within your own brain.
It took me a long time to decide. Probably over an hour. I went downstairs to mom, who was starting to work on dinner, and told her all about it, to maybe get someone to bounce thoughts off of. It helped a lot. She had a few insights; told me about a book she had read from the perspective of someone who was old, and dying, and who spoke a lot with cancer patients who were most likely going to die soon.
And what would it have looked like, if I had gone? What future would there be for me, beyond? Could I be happy? Could I find solace? Could I change the world for the better? Could I have friends and family? And what would I leave behind? My friends would have to watch Johnny walking around in my body, the very future I worked so hard to avoid. And every time they’d see my face on the street, they’d be reminded that I was gone. That I had left them. That I was effectively dead. And that some asshole interloper was walking around in my stolen skin.
And If I stayed? What then? I would live for six months. That’s not even a fucking year. I would live to see spring, maybe the start of summer, and then I would be gone forever. Has all this struggle been worth six months of life? And my friends, several of whom have lost family members fighting for me; what would be the point for them? Would they blame me? Would they not see it as worth it?
I had to let go of the worthiness aspect to decide. I had to look at the facts. V loves his friends, and his family, and he loves to live. And he will not go gently. Six months is not just time to spend among them, but a fighting chance. And even if we fail, if six months really is all he has, it would be okay, to be himself, and to be among those he adores. More okay than it would be to leave them behind.
It’s not the end of my train of thought. I could go back and forth on this decision forever if I wanted to. Every time I seemed to have decided that one choice was worse, I would look at the other and think ‘god, I can’t do that to myself. I can’t do that to them.’ It was agonizing. I love that a game can do this to me.
And so, I stayed. And I left.
I think that the sequence after my choice was particularly beautiful. It was nice to watch night city go.
Slightly less nice to have to leave without Kerry. But I suppose it would have been out of character. And I understand his emotional state.
I like that he rode in delamin. I probably gave him permission to get driven around by excelsior. I’ll miss that car.
And the sequence that followed... damn.
I can’t name it either, V. So I won’t try to. I just have to say, I love all of this.
And the moment, after the panzer went through the tunnel, and it turned to 3rd person. I was, floored. And I got it. V is no longer mine.
He is free. From Night City. From my control. From the game itself. He goes where I cannot follow. And I hope he finds what he is looking for out there. I hope he is warm and happy and safe and loved.
still emotionally reeling tbh. i had a hard time sleeping the night after i finished the game. heavy topics. i havent picked the game back up because it would feel wrong to throw V back into NC when he worked so hard to leave.
the first person sex scenes in this game are pretty awkward, but i don’t blame the game for that. its a consequence of several different factors, not all of which are the dev’s faults.
anyway: more sidequests been done.
brendan the scsm has bit the dust. rest in peace you funky lil conversational non-AI robot.
i sent a bunch more cyberpsychos to treatment, and finished that sidequest where you had to send in 17 of them. i wonder if anything more will come of that?
a dude at a bar has a wife of ten years who he suspects is cheating because 1) their son doesnt look like them, and 2) she stays late after work and isn’t at work during those times. so I look into it and it turns out she had a ton of plastic surgery before their relationship and their son doesnt look like her because her dna hasn’t changed from what it was before. during this mission, johnny is narrating as if reading from a seedy detective novel and V hates it, its great.
here is the whole thing because its all gold:
also a sidequest where you have to steal kerry’s old guitar from a collector/fan. while in the apartment, johnny recounts various different gigs he performed as you scan the various posters up on each wall.
there’s also... this. on a table in the living room:
another sidequest involved stepping in on some cops beating a random corpo senseless because they have badges and can do whatever they want. interesting how the game has both this sorta thing and copaganda. you win some you lose some i guess.
i got a call from one of the k-pop stars kerry worked with about a stalker that’s been following her, and had the opportunity to deal with it. took a couple tries to take the stalker down non-lethally but i think thats the best ending. or the ending that’ll lead to more quests from her. we’ll see.
apparently i’ve completed kerry’s storyline. which makes me a bit sad, because no more quests from him. he *did* text me about coming over to hang out, and i went expecting something to happen, but nothing really did. you can have a convo with him but there was nothing within implying we were even in a relationship, which might’ve been a bug? pls i just want to flirt with my boyfriend.
i have to physically restrain myself to keep me from just jumping back into the game without writing today’s entry.
realized that i’ve reached the point of no return in the main story (or A point of no return? i genuinely do not know whether the game will let me play more after the end of the story, or if it ends at the end.) so i’m going around and doing as many gigs/sidequests/etc as I can.
I met the talking S.C.S.M.. The moment when he pointed out that I am dead, and the screen lit up with shard malfunction errors, was very chilling. I loved it.
I met that same monk again; and did the other three meditations with him. It was all pretty cool.
I realized that after johnny’s bender, a bunch of not-amazon delivery boxes appeared in my apartment. meaning he ordered a bunch of shit while drunk. which is hilarious. There are also various other items added to my apartment, like posters regarding famous characters i’ve met, and unfolded laundry by the bed (because why fucking bother while i’m DYING.)
I kissed ker :>. I successfully held him back from taking out misplaced revenge on the girls and then they did a collab and it was so much fun. I think Kerry’s a fun character. Its interesting how he first meets you as a flesh suit for Johnny, and only later he gets to know the actual owner of the face in front of him. Also I think his design is very pleasing to the eye and i’m glad i’m gay. Can’t wait to see what future quests involve him.
Oh, and I got the superjump legs, for jumping real high. They’ve really improved my sneaking experience. Now I can get up on roofs and such much easier. What were once obstacles are now often platforms. It’s great.
Fuck youuuuu why do i love this asshole. he’s horrible. its great. id keep it on if it werent worse than my other hand implants.
so, i got to act 3. not entirely sure what all i’ve done between entry 14 and now. but lets see if i can remember.
I did river’s questline, all the way to dinner with the family and shootin’ the shit on the water tower. i liked river’s questline. it seems to me that all the romances, and some other character-related quests, have themes of revenge and whether or not to go for it. some aren’t all about that, but its almost always there somewhere.
the parade mission and lead-up to that were suitably thrilling. though i find it hard to get personally invested in takamura’s plight. idk why. i liked infiltrating the arasaka compound. and after the parade everything went to shit and i became very scared for V.
the moment of Johnny taking control of V’s body went the way I should have expected it to lol. and technically he did what he said he’d do. told rogue about their situation and also got information about smasher. just in a way that left V with a very terrible hangover on top of his general brain troubles.
i’m not sure how things are going to end for V and Johnny. will they be able to separate? it really looks like they’ve become inseparable, even if both are digitized into engrams. are they going to have to learn to live with each other? will johnny die like he expects?
when Johnny asked, V answered that yes, he would take a bullet for Johnny. He’d take a bullet for most people by default; that’s just the kind of person he is. And like it or not he’s become attached to Johnny. he’d be too sad if it ended. there would be an empty, cold space in his brain.
so if the game gives me a choice to kill Johnny at the end of it all, i don’t think V will. if they could be separated safely, he would choose to do so, but not if it meant Johnny would die.
also how dare you not let me romance johnny when you have him give me that dumb J+V 4EVAH tattoo. how dare you. must i make my own content?
been doing a lot of sidequest lines. and ive met three of the four romanceable characters. river, panam, and finished judy’s quesline (i think?? she said goodbye.)
judy’s left me with complex feelings. i wish i could’ve helped her more. i’m not sure i made the best choice regarding clouds. but she deserves a place better than this city. and I wont keep her from pursuing that. just that my V really felt like he’d come to be best friends with someone else -- someone that could briefly fill that bffs slot that jackie left behind, at least until he dies from the chip, and now this person is gone. leaving. and the thought that he wants her to stay feels selfish, because she deserves better.
now, onto panams questline, which i’m still doing. i still dont know the reasons behind her leaving her clan, but V can relate anyway. i like saul and i like her and i wish they could get along. i also loved the brief moment of maybe-flirting where we pretended to be in a motel. but i cut that off via being sleepy because i have other plans for the romanceable character i have yet to meet. in another lifetime, maybe, panam.
i’ve also done the quests with the Paralezes. or, two of them. but mrs Paralez blocked my number so i assume we’re done.
not gonna lie. when i first stepped into that car and they were both smiling at me i thought “oh god is this a married couple looking to vet a possible third for a night of experimental passion.” but no.
i still think i made the right choice to tell jeff about the brainwashing. him not knowing just allows them to continue being gaslit and manipulated. elizabeth’s instinct to protect them both by keeping him in the dark is understandable, even mimicking of how abused parties feel in abusive relationships, but ultimately i think they would be happier and healthier being free of the abuse.
and then there’s also the quest, with uh, this troupe.
very confusing at the start, but ultimately makes since. not sure of all the morals i’m supposed to be taking from this. if i could’ve convinced joshua to not go through with it. im not sure i even like joshua. there wasnt much time spent with these characters. i didnt get to think it all through properly. (i hope they come back again some time.) but johnny really made it all entertaining. i loved the delivery of this line in particular:
he is so tickled by all of this. though i think i scared him w all the questions at the end about an afterlife for constructs.
lets see. what else...? i caught a convo between two gangsters about the new ‘some like it hot’ remake, (theres a BD version and a straight up movie remake) and the other one says that the og actors are superior. i’ve seen this movie and am thoroughly amused. opinions about how transphobic the movie is or isnt notwithstanding.
also, this convo:
and also this one:
that’s all for this entry. good night, night city!
the mantis blades have thoroughly improved my combat experience
i’ve come up with a loose order of operations when it comes to doing gigs. first, i case the joint. are there any non-obvious routes of entry? can i climb up to the roof? i also hack whatever cameras are around and use the network to tag any and all enemies i see. from there i do my best to sneak through and into the area towards my objective; if i can take people out one-by-one without alerting the network that’s ideal, but if i cant or if i get spotted theres no problem with going hog wild. and now, its infinitely more fun to run around stabbing people through the chest with the mantis blades. where before i felt i had to hide behind the environment to shoot the enemies down, now i dont feel constrained, and can take enemies out in short order close-range without fearing constantly for my health. (though i still make use of plenty of health items, but it doesnt feel like im playing catch up when i do so, if that makes sense?)
back to talking about the story; i dont quite like the treatment of the voodoo boys. i understand their motivations, and like the little glimpse i got into their community, but theyre being treated way too close to villains for my liking. someone out there has probably already written a piece on the ways their portrayal is or isn’t racist. i really doubt that its not.
so far, i like the quests with judy. i wasn’t expecting evelyn to go like that, but it didn’t come out of left field either. it was suitably dark, and doesnt feel like its being milked for angst. it seems like a natural progression of the story, and serves as new motivation for judy in the same vein as a similar event served as motivation for the mox as a whole. i’m just sad that we didnt get to talk to evelyn again after everything happened.
i’ve also done a good few gigs and sidequests and such. there’s a quest where you have to drive a guy with a smoking crotch implant to a ripperdoc, and there’s suitably comical dialogue while you have to stop for a class of kids crossing the street, and for several military vehicles to cross in front of you, and have to take a detour because a portion of the road is blocked after an accident.
ive also been doing more races with claire, and got to the point where she told me about her late husband.
ive heard some criticism of how she’s handled as a trans woman character, and i’m not sure i agree. i guess she’s a bit simple as a character, but her being trans doesnt overshadow her other traits and backstory elements, and it isnt the culmination of her being. she’s fun and generally happy but also tough. she bartends and works as a mechanic. her being trans comes up, and i suppose is one of the only mentioned elements of her past relationship with her husband, besides him liking implants and her not, and them racing together. but it feels implied that there was far more to their relationship than that one moment.
idk. if youre more critical of this story beat than i am, then youre probably right. i generally see things in the most flattering light from the get-go. i havent even brought up the shitty transphobic marketing in this post. havent thought about it while writing this. other people are better at this sort of thing than me, and i default to following them.
that’s pretty much it for this post. other thoughts: I cant wait to meet the character my V will romance, I just dont know when or where we will meet. dont spoil me. also; here is a new pic of my V.
i’ve done a good bit more. some main questing and some sidequesting.
I went with judy to get evelyn out of that place. i’m getting much better at the combat in this game. even got to snipe/stealth like i wanted to when i picked the game up. find a good vantage point and start pickin’ em off.
i’ve done a couple sidequests too. del’s quest came back in a big way with all the AIs going abruptly rogue inside the factory. i was going to return them all to the fold, but johnny convinced me to let them be free. and now i have a new baby del (excelsior) of my own. :) (the texts i got from the rest of them are funny and cute.) i really enjoyed trying to find my way through the factory. i went in through a rooftop access into a bathroom and worked from there. it was fun!
i payed off doc vic. i wonder if ill get a bigger reward for that at some point in the future. either way im back to saving up eddies for mantis blades for when i get enough rep.
i like claire, and i love racing so far. i think the flag on her truck means shes trans which, fuck yeah, same, sis. we’re just a coupla transgenders beating everyone else at racing. also these texts are extremely cute:
we’re fwends <3
i do have to say that i think the environments in this game are meticulously crafted. the buildings ive had to fight through seem to be built with a lot of varying fighting styles in mind, but it doesn’t feel cramped with too many options. sometimes not everything is viable, and thats fine. it wouldnt be as fun a game if i could just sneak through Everywhere.
and sneaking in particular is well handled. your visibility is well-communicated, you can use hacking to distract enemies and give yourself openings, you can deal with enemies from behind (unless theyre too strong) which allows you the same rewards as fighting face-to-face via looting. its good.
anyway, another sidequest i did started from the doomsayer outside misty’s shop. once i had listened and responded to enough of his sermons, it came up that he had heard through the weird implant in his head that a meeting would be taking place at such and such place at such and such time. so i went, and johnny shows up when i arrive because hes amused, and asks me which of these two groups i think will be showing up. i answer ‘the spanish inquisition’ and he replies ‘well i wasn’t expecting that.’ got a genuine laugh out of me.87
In cloud, the conversation with angel basically confirmed my thoughts about V’s fears. He is afraid of death, and particularly of being forgotten. He is facing death currently; it is a train bearing down on him and he sees no way to free himself from the tracks. He died once and it terrified him; he does not want to die again so soon, not without getting at least a footnote in history.
I’m sorry I had to end the session like that though. I would’ve stayed longer if I could. ;-; I’m sorry angel.
After this, and after having a conversation w johnny that still didn’t clearly illustrate what he wants from me, I went on and did a few sidequests. Including finishing up the tarot card collector one. Finishing this quest gave me a dreamcatcher over V’s bed, which i guess is meant to be a symbol of misty’s spirituality but just ended up reminding me how much that object has been appropriated.
I still haven’t saved enough to pay doc back, and I keep getting these texts about new cars people want me to buy. I guess we need something to pour our cash into?
Here’s a selfie by V. I’m liking his hair color again. It sucks that this pose in particular doesn’t have a ‘look at camera’ option.
i had to stop at the beginning of my talk with angel in cloud because family reasons but OH WOW
V has a name. V HAS A NAME. I LOVE IT.
so the fact that i got two matches is due to johnny being in my head. which means that one was meant for him and one was meant for me. because the game will not force a sexuality onto me, either the male or female doll could be meant for me, which means that either the male or female doll could be meant for johnny, which means johnny is bi. calling it now.
anyway diving back in will write another diary entry once i finish cloud or get to a good stopping point.
thinking about my V during this long car trip home.
his motivation for doing sidejobs when he should be focusing on curing his affliction is that he wants to pay back doc vic before he dies.
you can ask misty if she's doing okay, and she says shes having a hard time without jackie but is doing well considering. but i get the feeling she's being upbeat for V, who is dying, and who doesn't want to think he'll be leaving his friends behind when theyre hurting.
I imagine a scene where V realizes abruptly that he's taken on a new habit; and that it's one of johnny's habits, and it hits him again that hes losing who he is, gradually fading away, and he cant stop himself from breaking down. Johnny appears and V makes him promise that he wont forget V after V's gone. Because if V can't die in legend he at least wants to be remembered.
V in the shower is that vine "I'm washin me and my clothes." And also he still doesn't know how to properly sleep in a bed.
