Iām learning now that love is more than a word. I used to say it to try and feel what I thought was love. I confusing that sensation with the feeling of security. If I said that I loved her and she said it back, at that moment, we were together. I thought that feeling would last. I let her do things to me that i wouldnāt let anyone else get away with just so I could feel like she wouldnāt leave. There were times I tried to leave, once I realized how destructive the behavior was and how harmful it truly was to my well-being, but she needed that security, too. I felt guilty trying to walk away, so I came back time and time again. When she inevitably left, due to us blantantly ignoring the flaws in our relationship which lead to tensions building so high that neither of us could go a day without hurting the other, I felt the security fade. A feeling I mistook for love was gone, and if all of the things I let slide were for not, then am I really worth anything? Thatās the thought that ran through my head every waking moment. I couldnāt leave the room. I couldnāt eat. I couldnāt sleep. I cried and cried as she would respond to my pleas for forgiveness with photos of her in bed with another. I grew numb. I thought Iād never feel āloveā(that security) again. Once I came to this ārealization,ā i decided that I had reached rock bottom. I began to work on myself. I went to a therapist, I let out all my anxieties, I got a full time job, I got my license, I got my car, I started playing in a band with music I helped write. It lead to me finding someone who has shown me a happiness that I have literally never known. I feel special when I am around her. Her laugh and smile brings me to my knees, praying to the gods and thanking them if they existed for blessing me with this seemingly perfect human being. At the current state of my life, I am in a downward dip. I lost my car and cannot seem to find a new one. Thereās some struggle in my local friend group, and itās appearing that my closest friends are 2 1/2 hours away from me. I am going on two solid weeks(itāll become three before I can actually see her) without seeing her, but I do not fear as I have before. I feel as though itās made us stronger. The open-endedness of when Iāll see her hasnāt brought me any anxiety as it would have in the past. I just genuinely miss her and there is no fear in my heart of her doing me wrong. This is the security I thought I had before, except it is so much stronger and so much more fulfilling and has brought so much happiness to me. What Iām trying to say is, it may take a while, but things really do get better if you let them. If you read this far, thanks.
