Truly, I do not know how to start this.
I came from not wanting to write anymore, to aching, urging and in need to type this all out.
A lot has happened since last time, so much happened till I don't know if it is even possible to create a story out of these, to arrange the pieces.
I am also trying not to labilize myself into which box I destined to be in, I am trying not to claim, “Oh I am this, I am meant to be this, I was this before – and so I must be this now.” Yeah no. Fuck that.
Sometimes, from a human perspective I am so tired of going through this, story? Yes, story with this idol of mine. I sometimes, no. Actually. Most times.
In most times I truly hated this situation that I am in.
And just like that, as I am typing this down. The song on autoplay aligns again, AGAIN.
Whats with me, with songs and writings. I have no Idea.
In one of my lucid dreams, I heard this song playing in the background.
“......Oh sweet satin boy, I long for your touch. To break down the toy you love so much....”
I was meant to follow the song so that it will lead me to the Idol, and because of love, yes love. And probably desperation. I flew and searched for the song. To a cafe, in the toilet. And open the door to a rooftop in Korea.
That's enough flashback-ing.
So in January 2026 since its a new year, new beginnings. I began manifesting again. I vision the kind of woman whom I want to be. I tried to embody her, tried to have her mind, her heart, her body. To make it even more, whimsical. I burned a letter again, this time for myself. At midnight, on 01.01.2026. With fireworks in the background. I had a friend with me, on videocall. To accompany me. As a witness? I guess.
Though during the letter burning, my heart is half full.
It is as if, I was not doing it whole heartedly. But at the time, I couldn't control what I was feeling. I naturally am that halfhearted.
The letter burnt successfully.
And you know as usual, I could not remember the entire contents of the letter. Except for one thing.
I wish to be able to forget the Idol.
Whatever dreams I have had of him, the scenes, the stories,
The feelings that came with the dream,
The love, the hope, the desperation.
I want to forget them all.
Throughout many many manifestations, spells, groundwork, meditations, sujuds, prayers that I have done to let go of this man, to cut the cords, the threads between us, to sever the attachments that I have with this soul, his soul. NONE of those worked. NONE.
This time, I was able to forget. As simple, as easy as that.
The whole month of January 2026 was blissful to me. I felt like a new person. I began to move. Literally, I excitedly looked for jobs. I made plans to cut my hair, to get a new journal book, to get a new necklace, to carry God’s consciousness with me everywhere, show God around what it's like to be human (although at the time, I could not feel deeply. All of my feelings, were as I mentioned before. Halfhearted.)
And with every intention, and decision that I made. The action came faster for me. And the action in doing things were so easy. So so easy.
I was also, timeline jumping frequently. I done different things, every single day. I would learn, or connect with different people. Learning new things. From people.
My dreams, were also. New.
I began to connect, or to see deities.
Buddha, Krishna, Parvati, Ganesha.
I made a new friend, a hindu. He taught me of his books, and so I get to learn. And gain new perspectives.
I soon learnt that, I have a new teacher. Who also “sees” me. Very powerful, felt like home to me.
I wanted to call her mother, but i dont think she likes that.
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