Comp het is short for, compulsory heterosexuality – also known as compulsive or coercive heterosexuality. It’s an experience where lesbians think that they are or must be attracted to men due to societal and cultural pressures.
It can be closely linked with heteronormativity – the idea that straight is the default – (young) lesbians can feel compelled to id as straight as they don’t feel there is another option, or even bisexual as they haven’t yet recognised not liking men is an option.
Some signs you may be experiencing comp het include:
You can always pick out reasons you don’t want to be with a man that are insignificant.
You have impossibly high standards for men – so no men meet them giving you an excuse to never go out with them.
The men you like are normally unattainable – this could be because they are gay, in a relationship, a celebrity or a fictional character.
Your crushes on men disappear once there’s a chance they may like you back – you don’t want men to like you back
Your fantasies or pictures of the future involve faceless men and/or you can’t picture yourself being with a real man.
You view relationships and/or your attraction to men as a burden – relationships with men are something you could put yourself through but not something you particularly want to do.
Confusing wanting to be friends with a man as attraction towards them.
Liking men but never wanting to date one.
Your crushes on men are no different between your friendships with men.
You pick and choose who you get crushes on.
You can turn your attraction “on and off” – you just decide when you feel attracted to certain people.
You only get crushes on men when someone else points out they are attractive.
You use a lot of micro labels so you can fit attraction to men into your identity.
You think you are ace and/or aro because you aren’t sexually and/or romantically attracted to men without considering your attraction to women.
You wish you felt more attraction to men.
You wish you didn’t feel any attraction to men – you wish you were a lesbian, so you didn’t have to be involved with men.
Your attraction to men feels forced.
Feeling you must like or be involved with men – you’ve never considered not liking men an option.
You don’t feel emotional if you and a boyfriend break up – you don’t care, don’t miss him, can get over him very quickly or are indifferent about the situation.
Dating a man more so you can say you have a boyfriend than you liking him.
Only wanting or liking online/long distance relationships with men.
Only liking a man’s more feminine qualities.
You’re certain about your attraction to women but uncertain about your attraction to men – your attraction to women is definite but your attraction to men is questionable or feels fake.
People who experience comp het also often confuse with attraction with things that aren’t attraction such as:
Feeling indifferent about relationships and/or sex with a man.
Tolerating romantic/intimate acts with men.
Finding or acknowledging a man is attractive or good looking.
Wanting to be friends with a man.
Wanting people (including men) to find you attractive or good looking.
Mistaking being uncomfortable and nervous around men as feeling “butterflies”.
Attraction is supposed to feel good, if it makes you feel gross or uncomfortable it’s not real attraction (this doesn’t include people who are uncomfortable with their attraction to the same gender due to internalised homophobia).
Do bisexual women experience comp het?
No, because their attraction to men is genuine; lesbians who experience comp het aren’t attracted to men, comp het is not attraction. Bisexual women are attracted men so their attraction to men isn’t fake or forced upon them, it’s genuine attraction – therefore not comp het.
Comp het is not a requirement to be lesbian! It is however a very common experience shared by lesbians everywhere. It can take a long time to dismantle the idea that you’re supposed to like men, if you’re a lesbian struggling with comp het, you’re no less lesbian or faking it, it’s completely normal and understandable to go through this. Identifying your feelings as comp het is the first step but give yourself time to overcome it. <3
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