@nihlistshitpost - Tumblr Blog

I am still looking for myself in every song you write

Why can’t I find myself

Cleaning your wounds fixes mine right?

Yours don’t hurt,do they?

I can hate I can love

I can push away I can shove

I despise, It might disperse

Regardless,I always Remember, it’s a curse

I hope my absence breaks you , i hope everything you see reminds you of me and you can do nothing about it

I hope you experience the gut wrenching pain of not experiencing the love i gave you

I hope you fall into deep pits of sorrow thinking about how you messed up

I hope everything crumbles around you when you think about what we could have been

I hope you suffer in silence and never reach out me

I hope you are forced to move on because i might not be here for it would have been too late.

I will shut the fuck up, won't whine a word. Then would I be understanding enough? I will wear a lipstick put on that dress then would I be pretty enough? Enough for you? Enough for you to stay?

I might want to kill myself for 99 reasons but being in his arms right now would sort 100 of them out

I am writing this from the rooftop, I can see a total of 7 stars. The brightest one is venus I guess. The red one is mars probably. Are you looking at them too? I have seen a total of 18 airplanes go by, it reminded me of the time I wasn't on the same continent as you. You said you were glad I came back, are you still? I wanted to buy you this black oversized shirt I came across on Instagram it would really suit you but I am yet to give you the previous gift I bought you. I wonder when that will be. I always wondered what would it be like when I would see you again, will I cry? , will I smile? , will you hug me back as long as I would? Or you would let go because we would be getting late for the movie? I guess we will never know. The moon looks really pretty by the way.

I wish more people understood how much energy and will it takes to just exist. I am tired of explaining why I am tired all the time and have none to very little motivation to do anything at all. I am tired of people mistaking terrible mental health for laziness.

As a child I always thought my hyper vigilance and heightened sense of self awareness came in handy to module my social conduct but the only thing it did was feed my people pleasing tendencies. I miss not being constantly on guard and not overthinking every social interaction I have, to the minutest detail only to find my self worth in validation by everybody except myself.

To my lover

I thought about you when the waiter brought me my blue slushy, you would have really liked it. I wonder if you looked at how pretty the sky was yesterday. I fell asleep on the bus unintended, when I woke up I wondered if you have been able to sleep well these days.The weather was really great today as well, i sat out in the wind drinking tea with my friends I wondered what it would have been like if it was you instead of them, how you would complain about your hair being a mess because of the strong gushes of the wind when they would look nothing but perfect. I finished brooklyn 99 today and I almost cried when holt and kevin ran to each other in the rain I wondered if you miss me too.

If I am being honest, where has being ambitious as a burnt out kid who relies solely on academic validation , really gotten me? Except for the doors of therapists and three different psychiatrists. It's unsettling to me how in order to be successful under societal norms I have to sacrifice the very little that brings me joy. What is success if not the nightmare of my inner child.