I have forty drafts and I don’t have it in me to do any of them right now. I’ve already put my main blog on indefinite hiatus and honestly.. It might be good for me to do the same here. As much as I love Fitz, and the writing I’ve begun here, I just don’t think it’s good for me, personally, to be here right now. Rp has become a very toxic environment, a very rough place to be, and it’s not good for myself to feel like I’m less than I am over something that’s supposed to be a fun hobby. The competition has made writing into a chore that I just don’t have time to do, and I don’t think it’s worth losing my passion for writing to stay around here. I work 12 hours a day, six days a week, and I spend most of my time on mobile, so I just constantly felt like I wasn’t up to “standard.” We impose these weird rules on ourselves here of needing to code just a little more, needing to do a few more drafts, needing to format in this new way, needing to give give give, and it became less about the writing and the community and more about being the best. It became about challenges and competition and dramatic circles of shaming to make this other seem better. It became about standing on top of each other instead of talking. It's become entirely uncomfortable in just the year that I've been around. And the past few days of not touching tumblr? I’ve felt better. I started reading again and doing stuff I love and feeling more like a rounded person instead of someone struggling for one person to notice me. To see that I was more than the posts I managed or the followers I have. To see I was a person who wanted to know and write with other people. I was at one of my worst low points two nights ago and I decided I really needed to start taking better care of ME. Me, myself. Less giving to people who don’t seem to understand or care that I care, less emotional investment in finishing drafts or posting ask memes or… whatever. It’s not to say I haven’t had good times or made friends— I’ve made some of the best friends I’ll ever have here, written some work I am beyond proud of. But I always was left feeling like I wasn’t good enough for anyone here. Like I needed to flip a switch to make myself somehow better than I was, like I needed to give more of myself, when I was already giving way too damn much. I was going to hurt myself a couple of nights ago, and I knew it needed to stop. I knew I needed to start evaluating myself and where I stood, because this website was making me feel worthless when it came to my own passion, when it came to writing, when it came to being there for other people, and I know I'm worth far, far more than that. We all are. We are all so much more than what this website can make us feel like. I may be available in small doses, maybe privately, maybe one on one, maybe on different blogs. But right now? This is not where I need to be. It's been nice, and it's been fun, and I've grown as a writer-- but now it's time for me to grow beyond the site for a while.
