I might be taking a break for a while.
I've got a lot going on in the real world right now. Pretty much, dealing with the very real thought of being single forever. The true meaning of 'forever alone' if you will.
I met this boy named Dakota when I was in tenth grade. When I met him, he was a sad, lonely person, sitting alone on the sidewalk at lunch. My friend, Miranda started calling to him 'Hey green-backpack-guy, come over here!' He ignored her several times until I finally quietly told her to leave him alone. I eventually went over to him and said something to the effect of 'I don't know you, but my name is Nikki, and you look sad. If you ever need to talk to someone, you can talk to me.'
A few months later, we started dating.
Shortly after I graduated high school, I broke up with him. For the first time.
To keep what will be a VERY long story slightly shorter, I'll skip the boyfriends in between.
Simply - I broke up with him roughly eleven times.
The last time was sometime in 2011.
In August of 2011, I got together with Jeremy. We broke up on March 28th of this year.
I felt liberated. Finally, single with no desire to get into a relationship with anyone.
The first month was easy. I was happier than I ever was. I was finally focusing on myself. I was going to quit smoking, lose weight, and travel.
Although I still plan on quitting smoking (buying Nicorette on Tuesday if my check comes in... if not, then next Tuesday), I've stopped working out, and I just don't have the money to travel.
But I digress. This month, it's gradually gotten harder. Being alone. Sure, I have my friends (on the internet, because all of my 'friends' in real life, I've met through a boyfriend or a friend I no longer talk to) and sure I have my parents and my sister is just a phone call away.
But it's all incredibly lonesome.
Over the past three days, I've been helping Dakota move into his new apartment. He and a couple (who are friends of ours) all got an apartment together. This is the first time we've really hung out one-on-one since 2011, I think.
Friday night, I went to his parent's house around 10:30pm. We chatted with his mom (who doesn't hate me as I thought) for about an hour, then hung out in his room for a bit before going to Wal Mart to pick up free boxes since they would be stocking around then. It was a lot of fun.
Saturday, I spent basically twelve hours with him. We packed up a lot of his room and shipped it over to his new place. Then we made a second trip. Both times, Skye (the female of the couple he's moving in with) showed up a few minutes later with Dakota's ex Allie - who works with Skye. Allie is pretty cool, to be honest.
To shorten this part, I'll skip to when we got back to his parents that night. When we first started dating, we had this thing where we'd poke each other. In the ribs or some other ticklish spot. Well, I started doing that, and he eventually pinned me to the ground and tried to tickle me. I told him he was approaching dangerous territory, and somehow or another, we ended up cuddling on his floor.
Then I started crying. It's hard to explain, but we came to the conclusion that... sometimes it's nice to just... be able to touch another human being. But it's not socially acceptable to cuddle or hold hands or hell, give a massage, to someone that 1) is your ex and 2) you're not dating.
Today, we moved more of his stuff over. And we kept sharing glances, and kept getting physically close to each other. He was taking a break and playing a game on his computer, and he was sitting cross-legged in his chair, and I laid my head on his shoe. As strange as that sounds. He started playing with my hair. Another 'not socially acceptable/dangerous territory' kind of thing. When we were at his apartment, Skye showed up again like, literally right after we pulled in to the parking spot. When she eventually left, we were trying to decide if we should put more clothes away or if we should just go. He suddenly just held me. Like, in a hug. I enjoyed it. Hell, I loved it. I miss it. God, I fucking miss it. But I told him that... that's something that we shouldn't make a habit of doing. And he let go. And I took him home.
Then... the car ride. We talked about our past. How I broke up with him eleven times. How... always in the back of his mind, he'll always always wonder if I'm going to leave him again (if we were to get back together). I told him that he would, and after thinking about it, he said 'you're right' And that kills me. That absolutely kills me.
Before Dakota got back in the picture, I'd resolved to never get into another relationship for the rest of my life. I'm tired of hurting people I care about because I get bored and then something new comes along and I run off to experience it. I'm also tired of breaking my own heart, because I come to care about this something new but it becomes boring, too, so I break it off.
But tonight, I prayed. I don't pray. I'm not religious. Tonight, I begged whatever the fuck is out there, if anyone or anything is out there. I begged them to give me guidance.
Why do I keep doing this to him?
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
Dakota made me a deal before I left. He said he'd stop pursuing me if I wouldn't give up on finding someone. And I couldn't keep that promise.
Because all the while, I kept thinking... he's the one. Dakota. Dakota's the fucking one. And I can't have him.
Because I broke up with him eleven fucking times.
Because it'll always be in the back of his mind that I'll do it again.
And it'll always be in the back of my mind that I'll do it again.
And I can't do that to him anymore.
And I won't do that to him anymore.
And now I'm crying again. And this whole thing has been so confusing. If you've read to this point, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
But... like I said at the beginning. I've just.. got a lot going on right now, and I really don't have time for Sims.
Maybe while on my hiatus, I'll write more of Wynter's story. And when I come back, I'll be able to give you many new parts to enjoy.
I'll still be around, but as far as simming and writing and everything goes, I can't promise anything.