Hi, I'm Nina.

Nina's the name, life is the game. Yes, yes... I know I'm lame. Welcome... I'm glad you came. ;)

[ninaisnotasian]

I'm pregnant. #22weeks

[ninaisnotasian]

When you head out with Papa 🐻 to buy wine & you both get carded by a girl who is probably younger than both of you & you complain about being a mom on your way out & some homeless lady calls you and hubby over by saying, "hey kids!" ... IM A MUTHAAA. A mutha!

[ninaisnotasian]

Trying to drown.

Melotonin.

Sleeping pills.

But I need to get this kid to the finish line.

12 more weeks.

Then you can take my place in the world.

[ninaisnotasian]

And now it is 5am. Trying to exercise without bleeding.

Crying over being a vessel.

Being a woman. I never wanted this.

The stomachaches. The hormones.

Who cares what I intended when this is what life gave me?

[ninaisnotasian]

Two more weeks until hospital admission. 12 more weeks until surgery & baby is taken out.

[ninaisnotasian]

[ninaisnotasian]

Fell in love with you way too easily.

[ninaisnotasian]

Trying to pass tf out

[ninaisnotasian]

Can't stop crying.

Can't go to sleep.

Just tons of self loathing.

I hate myself. I can't have this baby.

I can't have a baby.

This is not what I wanted.

I'm sorry.

I'm not ready.

I can't do this.

People keep getting in my head.

I can't do this.

I can't be here right now.

I want to go home, but I have no more home.

We got rid of my home.

I have no home.

How did I get here?

I want to be a kid again, with my brother. With my parents.

I made a mistake.

How did I wind up here?

I hate this. I hate myself.

I want out.

I want to rip my stomach out.

I hate my body, my face... I need to get out of myself.

Out of my mind.

God. Please. I can't take it.

When is my time to go?

[ninaisnotasian]

[ninaisnotasian]

Best of times, before the worst of it.

[ninaisnotasian]

Adam is definitely the crazy one I fell in love with... The one I can't live without... 💔 Sucks we won't be living together anymore after 4 years of sharing a room and everything.

[ninaisnotasian]

19 weeks, I'm worried I'm not gaining enough weight for this already to-be-premature baby. 😢😢

[ninaisnotasian]

06.24.18

Twenty-three was not my year.

Ended on the note of: sexual harassment in the workplace and me, who brought it to the attention of my superiors, feeling at a loss... of integrity and trust. 

I’m distraught, but out searching for clinical help. I can’t let myself feel this way because now it’s not just me... but me and baby. Gotta keep my head up. 

My challenge: time. There’s so little of it. 

Doctor’s appointments, the RICA, discussion posts, two jobs, planning assessments, meetings with friends/families/coworkers, WIC, getting things ready for the baby, planning events, going to hospital classes, taking claims to HR, claims about our credential program, therapy... not to mention just being tired and sick all the time. 

Life is a blur right now.

[ninaisnotasian]

5.6.18

It's hard to have a baby when you hate yourself and when you just want to die. But now there's two of you.

I hate this.

[ninaisnotasian]

4.30.18

Cramps. There up an orange last night at 3am. Went to class. Told Dr. Meisner about baby stuff. Adam was with me. Got to do science stuff together: slime and ice cream. Felt good, got sushi afterwards. Back aches. Normally I have a strong back. Reminds me of last Wednesday 25th, I had my first ultrasound and got to hear the baby's heartbeat. My arm began aching. Felt like tendonitis.

I'm not even big yet. 9 weeks. 3 more to go before my announcement.

Went to babysRus. Even with the store about to close, everything is expensive. Babies r expensive.

[ninaisnotasian]

4.29.18

I really can’t deal with school right now.