As I'm writing this today (3 July 2021):
- there is an pipe explosion at an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico that causes, literally, a fire in the ocean.
- the daily Covid-19 infection rates in Indonesia is at 27,913 cases.
- at least 265 people has died during their self-isolation in Indonesia as the healthcare system is collapsing and we are facing oxygen crisis.
- every day, for about a month now, I wake up to news that someone I know has passed away, been tested positive, and/or in dire need of ICU/oxygen/plasma donor.
Honestly, just when I thought things could not get any worse but experts has predicted that the worst is yet to come. The Covid-19 wave is estimated to reach its peak here by late August at 400,000 new cases per day. Not gonna lie, feel like it's just a matter of time before the virus gets to me.
I know I am biased by saying this but, Indonesia is truly the worst place to be during a pandemic like this.
First, even after 1,5 years and increasing new cases, there are still so many Covidiots who think that 1) the virus does not exist - it's all a conspiracy!, 2) the vaccines are a scam created by the big pharma, 3) refuse to wear masks and stick to safety protocols, and 4) doctors and nurses must not complain because it's their duty.
Second, could the government be any more incompetent? I believe that part of the reasons why we're at this point is because the government has never taken this pandemic seriously. All they care about was the economy and tourism when people are losing their livelihood. The government kept refusing to opt for a lockdown until it's too late, they were too busy coming up with new names for quarantine measures. And when they do (starting today until the 20th), it's not even in the entire country, but only Java and Bali - as if other island aren't as important although there are spiking cases everywhere. Worst of all, funds that are/were supposed to be allocated for pandemic relief and aids were... believe it or not... embezzeled. A former social minister was discovered to have taken money from this aid, in the total amount of 100 trillion Rupiahs. I cannot even imagine money in that amount. And the government kept saying there was no money for lockdown.
Hospitals are collapsing and refusing patients simply because there aren't enough beds and supplies anymore. To begin with, for an archipelago of this size, we have never had enough doctors and nurses to begin with. But during this time, we have losta around 1,000 medical workers who worked on the frontline and mostly were experts. So, in a desperate attempt, senior-year medical students/junior residents have been deployed and put at risk. It's highly likely that we will lost (or, are already in the way of losing) a generation of doctors, nurses, medical workers, and health experts
In times like this, I genuinely lose respect to all people who disregard the pandemic and keep on putting others at risk. This includes those Covidiots, those who are tested positive but careless enough to not inform anyone they've been in contact with and thereby continue spreading the virus, employers who put their employees at risk by forcing them to put business as usual despite the circumstances, and those privileged-people who think that they could only get infected from their (less-privileged) staff when it was them as the boss who had been travelling, going out for unnecessary purposes, etc.
Surely this experience has put things in perspective for me personally. Unlike last year when there was actually hope and motivation to create something, to learn new things, to look on the bright side, this year it's hard. Almost impossible, even. How am I supposed to plan things for the long-term when I live/work on a day to day basis under all this pressure? Is it even humane to push someone - anyone - to work as if nothing has happened? Yes, we need to adapt and it is during desperate times like this that we all need to look for creative solutions, but we also need time to grief, to process things that are moving way too fast and beyond our control. This culture of immediacy and productivity is simply unattainable when you live on a survival mode.
I keep thinking, wistfully, what if things are different. What if, I did not return to Indonesia when I finished my studies, what if I had stayed in Europe or tried harder to find work elsewhere, build a life there. It's not that I regret my decision to enter the Indonesian creative scene and of course, I am aware of just how much privilege I have, to admit that I actually have (or had) options to leave. But I would be lying if there isn't a part of me that feels this country is robbing me of my supposed-prime years. Again, I'm thankful of what I have managed to do throughout 2020-2021, but man I could've done so much more in this past 1,5 years. As there is no end in sight yet, I don't know if I'll have the energy or time to catch up, by the time this is all over.
At the moment, I don't see any reason to push through. So, yeah maybe this is all on me and I'm just using the pandemic as an excuse for my lack of "fighting spirit". But again, I just don't see the point of producing exhibitions, planning all the plan Bs Cs Ds for when things go awry, risking it all for the sake of content production and to show the world how I've made it through the pandemic as productively and as creatively as possible. It feels so much, too much.
Years ago, I think I must've been 20 or 21, I came across this quote by Neil Gaiman about making good art, despite the circumstances. I did just that, I suppose, last year. This year, I know that now is probably the best time to persevere with that motivation in mind, but I don't know if I have the capacity. And if I do, I don't know what it's going to cost me, really.