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Album by Young the Giant: "Home of the Strange"

Honk your horn at me, get your car rammed by a grocery cart.

This actually happened an hour ago.

It’s a windy day here and I stopped by the grocery store. Typical day, full of typical people who don’t bother putting the carts back in the corrals. I’m not surprised, it’s windy and people suck, so why would anyone bother to go out of their way to put their grocery cart back?

So I’m driving down the lane looking for a spot, and up ahead this Guy Fieri lookalike removed his groceries from his cart, pushed the cart kind of, sort of in the general direction of the corral, proceeded to his car, and then drove away. Well, considering he wasn’t really parked anywhere near the corral, the cart went astray, until a huge gust of wind changed it’s direction and put it straight on the path into my car.

Luckily, I’m far enough away that I can actually get out of my car and stop it before it crashes straight into me, so I put my car in park and I go to do that.

Just as I start walking towards it, the car behind me started blowing their horn at me. As far as I can tell, she can see what I am doing. I turn around, point to the cart, so she blew her horn again and gave me the finger.

Okay then. There’s an open parking space immediately to my left. I ignore the cart, get back into my car and pull it into the parking space. Car behind me then floors it and drives straight into the grocery cart.

Idiot.

Didn’t even try to hide my smirk as I walked past her assessing the damage.

Petty Revenge: Your daily dose of the best petty revenge stories. | source

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To confess my true feelings after all these years before you go again... Or keep them in, in hopes of having a slight chance at a few more encounters at social gatherings with no awkwardness.

petty-revenge-stories

My telekinetic middle finger.

Many moons ago, on a freeway. Construction zone, two lanes, Posted ~50mph with Jersey barriers instead of shoulders. The fast lane was backed up and hte slow lane was pretty clear but I was in the slow lane doing the posted limit (recently got a warning for speed, so still in that post-pull-paranoia phase).

There was a Miata in the distance behind me trying to get ahead by driving quickly up the slow lane. When he finally caught up with me he was apparently unhappy that I was the reason he couldn’t continue his fast dash down the slow lane.

So of course, he’s tailgating me, honking and waving his middle finger at me. I ignored him. As the traffic cleared in the fast lane on my left he went to pass me but first he drove right next to me with his window open yelling at me.

I had been ignoring him all this time, but he finally earned the middle finger at this point. So he got it.

Here’s the bit I don’t fully understand… The extent of my petty revenge was supposed to be a petty hand gesture, but he did this ridiculous double-take thing when he saw my finger as if he was trying to emphasize how insulted he was. I mean, his whole body jerked like he was just been tazed. I when I say; “His whole body”, I include his left arm which was on the steering wheel…

His ‘jerk’ movement caused him to jerk his steering wheel to the left, which caused him to suddenly steer out his lane and brush the jersey barrier that was there instead of the shoulder.

His car bounced up on the left side and then back down again, leaving a big black smear of tire on the bottom of the barrier, a big red smear of scraped fender & door paint towards the top of the barrier (and likely a big brown smear in his boxers too).

Understandably, this was all my fault, and he followed me for a few miles trying to get me to stop. I stopped and gave him a chance to talk, but I stopped outside the police station so he just kept driving.

For the rest of that construction season I would see that big red smear every night on my way home from work, and I would giggle to myself.

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Inconveniencing a line cutter.

So I go to Chik-Fil-A and the drive thru goes around the building. Fuck that; I’ll just order inside. Some guy in a Subaru decided to do the same. Turns out this guy is a dick and likes to cut in line. Well, there are 2 registers open, left one with an older guy, and right one with a teenager, and one line feeding into both of them. The line isn’t long, just a cop, a mother and her kid, and then me. Subaru dick decides to create his own line though by stepping right behind the teenager. As he does it, old guy is done, and the cop goes to the left register. So now I’m behind the lady and her kid sneaking glances at this asshole behind the teenager. I’m not going to let this guy succeed.

So the teenager eventually leaves, and the girl at the register looks at both lines and says, “I’ll help whoever is next.” Subaru dick tries to walk forward and I say, “I think this lady is next,” gesturing at the mom and her kid. The guy just looks at me as the mom says thank you and goes to the register. I think he was trying to think of something smart to say, but decided against it. Cop finishes next, so I go there and order. I get my food and am walking out of the door as the line cutter is still waiting in his single line behind the mom. The real line is about 5 people long now. Feeling not petty enough, I push his passenger door mirror in as I walk to my car.

Petty Revenge: Your daily dose of the best petty revenge stories. | source