I haven’t written in a while, 2 years since my last Tumblr post to be exact. I think part of what slowed me down or made me stop was 1. I was getting better at carrying my grief and 2. I wanted to stop feeling like I sounded like a broken record. I’m pretty sure I’ve written something to that effect before. But the truth is that even when we’ve stopped talking about it and even when the rest of the world goes back to their regularly scheduled broadcast, those of us that are deeply affected will continue to carry our individual grief all the rest of our days.
Don’t “should” on yourself.
Honestly, a brilliant little piece of wisdom. Thank you to my nurse coach for that one. I still from time to time feel like I “should” be over it or I “should” NOT feel as sad as I do. This is partly my rational brain not wanting to be sad and partly societal pressures and marketing of what life “should” look like.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve certainly started to care less about what people think I should or should not do, so I guess that’s a plus. I self-validate myself back into knowing that I can feel heart broken at the loss of my Mama and my Mama Jo. I think the validation brings a little peace, as sad as it may be.
One of the saddest parts of losing your big relationships so early in life is that as you continue to live life and make new memories, the memories you have of the person, the photos, videos, etc. they all start to repeat… and as time goes on and the years fill between your present and past, they begin to make those times feel like distant memories.
Soon enough the new memories fill so much of your brain space and one day you realize that those moments that you remember with your loved ones were the last you’ll ever have. My phone is full of photos and videos, but I’ll never have new photos or videos of my mom’s.
“I love you baby. Don’t worry about anything. Have a great week and I will se you on Tuesday. You’re the best baby. Love Mom XOXOXO”
It still feels so crazy to me that that is the last note my mom ever wrote to me. I’m so grateful that my mom left this world knowing how much I loved and cared for her. I used to feel like my grief was this comforting reminder that I was loved. I still sometimes try to see it that way, but then my therapist offered me the idea that I don’t need to carry this sadness to keep the love I feel. And as painful as it sometimes feels, I understand I don’t have to hold onto that pain. So I imagine my loved ones completely at peace, I smile, and lean into gratitude.
I know that may not work for everyone, but it’s helped me relieve some of the weight I sometimes unknowingly may carry. We can’t “should” our way out of feeling our feelings.
Mother’s Day can be complicated time for some of us. To those who have lost a mom, to those who have or had a complicated or strained relationship with their mom, and to anyone who can relate to this holiday feeling like a weird day in the year, my love goes out to you.
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” - Albus Dumbledore
I recently went to a concert with my Nina and it’s nice whenever you can go for a long drive with someone and have conversation about all the things. We talked so much about my Mom and Mama Jo. Her memories of them from before I was born, when I was still little, and as I was growing up. It’s really nice to hear about them from a different person’s perspective and feel like the light you saw and the love you felt was experienced by someone else too. I mean obviously these were wonderful women… DUH.. but it’s still nice to hear. A little light :)
Nina said that she sees my mom in me all the time. Ironically, I also watched the Lion King around this time and that reminded of Rafiki telling Simba that his dad lives in him. LOL
Okay, before this rambling of mine goes off to more randomly relevant connections, I just want to put it out into the universe that for anyone who may want to connect, maybe wants an understanding ear, a non-judgmental, I’ve probably been there before, but even if I haven’t I will support you 100%. I am here.