I believe it to be true that the first person you truly love, is your mother. In my opinion, it should be like that. She is the one who takes care of you, whom feeds you, changes you, holds you, loves you. She watches you grow up, she tries to make sure you’ll learn your lessons, helps you up when you’re feeling down. She’s always there, and always loves you, even if you have moments that you don’t reciprocate the feeling...
I realized when I was young, that I loved my Mom. She was funny, and smart, and very loving. And I loved her laugh the most.
At the age of 13, when I sometimes didn’t understand her decisions, and why she said the things she said, I thought my world crumbled around me.
My Mom, whom had always seemed so strong, so brilliant, wasn’t like that in reality.
My Mom was diagnosed with Schizofrenia, when I was still too young to understand, so I didn’t know until I was told at the age of 13, because I started to notice things. My world crumbled around me. When my father and older siblings told me, all I could think was, if she’s so strong as I thought, why hasn’t she overcome her condition? Why did she let it take control?
I was scared, shocked but mostly, angry. I had never felt this angry before. I hated this disease that made my Mom less tough in my opinion. I hated it, and I hated that it had to happen to her. Of course, she was still my Mom, but after I learned the truth, I saw her as a complete stranger.
Truth be told, she was half a stranger, and half the mother I knew she was. I went to therapy and courses and training, to understand her condition, to make my peace with it, because she would forever live with it, and it could only get worse.
I did so much research, that I probably can work as a shrink by now. I started to recognize little signals, before she was pulled into an episode, psychosis its called. Because my Mom started to worsen pretty soon after I knew, we went to stay with my older half-sister, as she became our legal guardian.
It's been a little over 10 years since they told me now...
I’ve set this up, about a couple of days after I saw my Mom pass away, a little less than 4 months ago. I write her story, and my thoughts on her story and how I knew her. What I loved about her, into these little short stories, or blogs.
I want to publish them on my website, as a small reminder to myself, that I can read them back someday, and maybe get a few opinions from you guys regarding some questions I might have :3
This is how I deal with her loss, so I write everything down when I feel like I have to, to make myself feel a bit better...
I'm trying okay But every effort i make seems to upset you. . . I know that by walking down this road life is going to be hard. But I NEED THIS. I NEED TO BE IN A PLACE WHERE I CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE I NEED TO BE UNDER PRESSURE I NEED THIS and i know you're scared for me And i know you'll worry about me And i know you're always going to think of me I'm going to be okay I'm stronger than you see me as I'm calmer when the world is falling apart around me I'm ready for this I WANT this and the chance to make a change is here in front of me I need you to trust me, to believe in me like you did when i was little I've grown I know and the risks and dreams I'm chasing now are more dangerous and scarier than when I was five but I'm ready for this. And I'll make you proud of who you raised me to be
No seriously though anyone on here who follows me and is awake right now, do you think it would be a good idea to make a blog devoted solely to writing letters to my mother (who passed away almost two years ago)?
