Face Everything And Rise
9/6/2020
Its crazy to consider where I was just a year ago. Everyone keeps saying it, I can’t believe its already been a year... When I think about the moments within this last year, it feels like SO MUCH happened... and when I think about the grand scheme of things, its like the year disappeared in the blink of an eye.
A year ago? I was heading to Long Beach to visit Mama Ren for what I thought would be the last time... I had just lost my family and that put a lot into perspective for me. She had just been released from the hospital and was on hospice care in the comfort of her home. I understood the huge responsibility the family was taking on, so I focused on helping them adjust.
When I think about it, the family did just as much to support me, as I did them. They created this space of love and support, as well as distraction from the depth of my own pain. I also simply enjoyed the wonderful conversations Mama Ren and I had. Her never saying sorry for my loss, or treating me like a victim... and me never looking at her with pity or despair. We understood one another... We both accepted our situations and wanted to make the best of our time.
I was so fortunate for all the time I spent with her and the family... weeks at a time and then frequent weekends after my return to work. I miss her...
So interesting when I think about a year ago...
I’m still me. Still here. Still living in the same place. Still with a similar routine.
But I’ve come a long way... A year ago...
I couldn’t sleep. Maybe 2-3 hours of sleep at night. I’d lie awake crying, writing to my Mom I’d never see again.
I didn’t really eat. There was so much going on. My fridge was full of food that family and friends had brought. (Thank you for that, loved ones). I lost a good amount of weight quickly... not the good kind of weight loss.
I couldn’t go a day without crying...
The only thing that kept me in a routine was working out. It was the one thing I still did... I went to the gym... (also probably why I lost more weight... NOT the goal.)
As awkward as some people felt around me, I’m sure I felt more than enough for all of us. Maybe I was just being paranoid, but it was hard not to feel like people knew who I was, what I’d experienced, and couldn’t help but look at me and feel sad. I started to value people who didn’t treat me like I was a victim and people who didn’t know my story. A breath of fresh air.
But lets talk about the gym for a second... it was because of working out that I DID actually eat and drink the way that I did. I would tell myself, “You should eat something because you’re going to workout later...” If I can stress anything in life, its that your mental and physical being are so intertwined. What you do with your body, is just as important as the reflection, learning, and meditation that you do with your mind.
Another thing I’ve been thinking about and realizing in the last year+ of life...
I’m more fearful than I’ve ever been.
Perhaps that is just a product of a broken heart... Perhaps that is just a natural reaction after going through all of this loss. All my emphasis has gone to strengthening, loving, and being grateful for what I do have.. constants. They’re important. They keep me grounded... Help me remember why life is so good. They keep me from thinking of the life I should’ve had because I just want to love my life... and I just want to be happy. I don’t want to get caught in the awful reality of the bad things... or think about how unfair life can be. That is no place to be and no place to stay.
Fear... False, Evidence, Appearing, Real...
... but I have been there. Sometimes it can’t be controlled. I’m scared of change sometimes. As life changes and new beginnings come... Its really bittersweet... letting go of pieces of the life I knew, to create the life I want for myself moving forward...
I decided to adopt out Charlie and Wookiee... For those of you that don’t know, when my Auntie Felisa passed, Mom took in her shih tzu, Wookiee. Wookiee is Charlie’s mom. When mom passed... I took over caring for both Charlie and Wookiee... the tweedles... the girls... crazies.
Part of me was tempted to just keep them, make it work... I’m like the queen of juggling things and making it work lol. You can make anything you want work, if you truly want it to,*sigh* but I’ve decided that this is the first step for me. One of my best and dearest friends is gifting me “pick of the litter.” Super honored. An accidental litter, that I guess came at the right time... It is time... Time for me to start to let go of some things that have been left to me... Its hard being such a sentimental person...
Time for new beginnings...