I will love you anyway

it's me. whining.

[nitratesdayrates]

T&F Thursday

being completely honest and communicating is really hard. i know it's needed and need to remind myself i'm lying when i don't say how i'm really feeling.

i'm really glad he's finally admitting it might mean divorce. and can do it without crying. the communicating and reconnecting will be best for whatever outcome there is.

setting boundaries is going to be SO hard. i've just done whatever for so long now. want is so intertwined with dislike i can't tell the two apart. do i feel indifferent about this for distracted reasons, disconnected reasons, or is there serious dislike there that i've just allowed to feel indifferent

I really don't want to start another medication that's another nervous system depressant. but I also feel like that's selfish.

he says i'm not broken but we're literally trying to fix something that could be wrong with me because of my brain. if it's not that then it's that my brain is different on se.uality and that feels broken too even if it's not.

i'm really glad he's getting help. i'm sorry this is what it took to get him to talk to someone, but i'm glad he is. the fact that he never told me he was s.... in louisiana hurts. god what a shitshow that time was there. in addition to it just being louisiana. i completely block out how unhappy i was there. it's easy to do because i was so busy with the kids and whatever.

i actually don't know if i want to wait another two weeks for therapy. but also knowing he doesn't approve of my therapist also makes it hard to be like "hey i'm going to go talk to my therapist."

i'm feeling sufficiently overwhelmed and tired. i know hard is necessary but geez. this involves conflict, confrontation, honesty and i'm not good at any of those.

[nitratesdayrates]

feeling entirely disconnected. in the weirdest way that i can still carry on with my life, mostly normal. perhaps a little shorter with the kids. but when someone is genuinely asking me how i am i stop and think "really, not well." but say i'm fine.

maybe this is normal. could be being dramatic. onwards we go.

[nitratesdayrates]

skipped last week because i couldn't figure out how to say i feel very much like i have a front on and the rest of me feels absolutely helpless. because it's SO DUMB literally just need to say 5 words and deal with the rest

really meant for it to happen sunday. was ready, had said we need to talk. but then he freaked out because "that can't ever be a good thing". so then i didn't.

and now i'm back to do i say the few words. do i write a letter. do i just keep going. i feel like i'm slipping. but also like we're barely doing any typical marriage things. days will go by and i won't remember the last time i kissed him. used to be every time he left. like my therapist says - it doesn't have to be a good thing or a bad thing, it can just be a thing.

had a scary thought i won't even write down. but it was more evidence that i need to talk with him.

[nitratesdayrates]

the other night was as close as i've gotten. things did not feel okay. it was very much an awakening to how not into it i am. it's not good. i also can't handle the money talks right now because i don't want to be involved because i can't be involved. same with ireland. not going to be, or i don't want it to be. i need to say something there's too much at stake.

i feel like i'm not a good enough mom these days. i'm struggling to support a how he needs. i need to find the time and patience. i can't get either of them to fully listen to me.

march is about to be a lot. and i'm so tired. i'm worried i can't do this.

i know there are good things. and i should be writing down my good thoughts too i think that's part of this. soccer starts next week, i've been looking forward to that. and the current games start soon. i'm probably TOO excited for april. seeing her. and them.

nervous about the brain doctor in a couple weeks. rheum is old news by now.

the kids are relatively healthy. me too. the house is fine. things are fine.

if the dog doesn't stop barking i'm going to lose it.

[nitratesdayrates]

from the second we met i knew you'd be significant

[nitratesdayrates]

thoughts and worries.

worries: money. work. michael being overwhelmed. all the things to do. being too much. that i'm not doing enough. was it too much to send the flower? I send things to other friends so. but it's so fun to overanalyze.

thoughts: i want to go to the beach. and snowboarding. I'm worried the house is falling apart. I want more time to read. I wish I could find ways to make my friends realize I care about them.

worry: i know i have a good support system, but would they actually be able to be physically helpful if I need it?

thought. I'm hungry.

worry. what if he falls over the railing from the second floor and breaks his neck. hello intrusive thought.

i'm ready for lunch.

god i'm so tired of continuing to do things when i don't want to

[nitratesdayrates]

what a struggle. this week has sucked. can't even completely figure out why my feelings are so fucked up right now.

seeing the anger iceberg at therapy... the way overwhelmed immediately stuck out. sure that's telling. also when she said as soon as we start dissociating during ... then it's time to really step back. welp. about 1 year too late for that.

i still can't bring myself to say no when he asks if i'm okay. but i know that's eventually how the conversation will go. no i'm not okay, but i also am finding it really hard to explain why. and hopefully from there.

but also that she figured out i wasn't okay before he did and i only talk to her through text. that's something. but i also don't know how to tell her that yeah, part of the problem is my feelings for you that i can't ever act on. i want to tell you but i can't.

i'm so tired.

i do appreciate him stepping up more around the house. i wish it helped feelings.

i hate that these posts are the same fucking thing over and over again. i know it's time for me to get that front back up and be happy everything is okay alex. for the sake of... everything. i hate who i am when i'm struggling this much. i've been shorter with the kids. i can't make eye contact with him.

is my medication also making me like this? does it need to be adjusted? who knows. i also really don't want to mess with it.

everything will be fine. whether i stay in my marriage and keep yearning or get out and live alone forever. either way.

reminder, alex: you'll never be alone. you have your kids. you have your people. romantic love isn't necessary.

[nitratesdayrates]

Thursday thoughts

This week's whatever and whatever.

Yesterday's outing is one of those that makes all things with my relationship hard. Not even the outing but after. The whole fucking day. He's my person. He's here, he helps take care of me. Not saying he still can't be a support person after if that's what I'll call it. But it's sure going to make it harder. I legitimately had a good time, but course I did I married him for a reason. There's just one big reason (and some small ones) that make know we really just can't. Even if I get into the t m i stuff i don't want to put and accidentally get caught by a bot or something but he knows me, my body, what i like. not that someone else couldn't learn. i'm always first but i shouldn't be spending... second (lol keep dancing alex) time continually going 'mmk i don't like this'. repeat after yourself, 'attraction and love is not the same thing as sexual attraction'. doesn't matter how many times i say it it still doesn't completely... i KNOW but i. it's not fair.

but. I'm losing time. or not. i don't know. play flashbacks for the thousandth time, how you feeling, self? not great? that's fine. have some more. take your pick.

doesn't even touch the north the last week. that's shit. what will i talk about in therapy on tuesday. all of this. none of this. does it matter? nah. i don't feel great. i know what to do to help but it'll get worse first and can i handle that physically and emotionally? i get more doubtful by the day.

i'm tired. t will be home in a minute. i need to go back to work. *shoves it all back into the corner box*

[nitratesdayrates]

week 3

the fact that it feels like i just did this yesterday is probably why it's good for me to do it. exercising my brain to think about these things... feelings... or whatever. i prefer denial boxes but that's okay

another week feeling absolutely drained by what is happening with the frozen water. i can only begin to imagine what it's like to live there. hearing from people i love there tears my heart out. the stories are tragic and i continue to be destroyed the hate on people's hearts. how can you look at a child and think that they need to be taken and put into a dentention center? a child. all the while keeping an ear to the ground because t's school has a more non-white percentage than most of the schools around here.

that's the majority of my mental capacity. lost my cool last night with the boys, i'm not even sure why. they were just being kids. my patience is short.

she asks how i am and i keep trying to find a way to say fine but not fine in a way that seems okay.

i keep thinking i need to go find those relationship journals we've had for years... maybe they'll help us have a conversation. but also why do we struggle to stick to anything like that. used to be better. i can't even think when the last conversation we had about our relationship was? i feel like that's bad.

i think i'm getting sick. i'm worried all the stress i'm holding in my body is making my body fall apart some. maybe not. i don't know.

i think it's time to go turn the record over.

[nitratesdayrates]

back again for week 2

all the thoughts and worries this week.

most recently worried that all my shit got stolen with that stupid microsoft outlook hack or whatever the fuck happened last night.

i'm worried for all of my loved ones. hispanic especially. everybody's well-being both mentally and physically.

thinking about the family trip in june. where we could go. whose marriages will still be intact by then.

her. i think about her a lot.

worried about my job. worried about my brain, but not as badly as last week.

posting all the 2016 stuff last night was a reminder of how life was so stressful then, but it's still stressful now just in different ways. i miss my velcro toddler, but the preteen one is fun too. just as needy but in different ways too lollll

i'm still struggling a lot with making myself slow down on weekends especially. i keep meaning to have days where i relax but i know if i don't get the stuff on the weekends it won't get done. it's been nice having michael home but the semester starts monday and it'll be back to him not being home a lot of the time. interested to see how that works with the less driving thing for myself.

i'm worried about my body. the pains i'm having. the hate i have at parts of myself.

need to remember to work with atti on reading. i still worry the world will break him and i don't know how to keep his heart soft but strong.

just a lot. a lot a lot. it's all up there.

until next week

love that people still find my old gifs and reblog. no idea how but every few months lmao

[nitratesdayrates]

One of the weekly goals I've made for myself/my therapist said I should add to my goals, is to sit down and just write how I'm feeling, thoughts and worries. Since I have this username up on my computer I'll use this space. I'll throw them under cuts since they're for me.

what a heavy day to write this, after the shitstorm that was yesterday in minneapolis. it's so hard to be living in this space of living daily life weighed with what is going on. not to mention trying to parent. i'm worried about what T specifically is hearing at school, or if he is. it's terrifying, trying to raise empathetic children, in a time like this. it feels so weird to be taking in news like this and then turning around and parenting

i'm still anxious post-seizure. constantly worried it'll happen again. minus all the lowering of thresholds around christmas, there really was no warning. i think that's what's getting me the most. minus right before when i was able to get to a safe space. the flashbacks i have are not fun. i hate that christmas sucked so much. i also hate that i was finally getting to a place where i felt i could talk to michael about everything and then this happened and it set me back. because part of me thinks i can't leave. i feel like i need him, even if that's not the case. it's scary to think about being by myself and having a seizure, even though that can happen even now. he's a point of calm and reassurance after one happens. so i'm back to being scared. and that sucks.

i think those are the big worries right now. there's always the over-arching worry about the kids and that i'm screwing them up.

until next week.

[nitratesdayrates]

feeling very defeated today

[nitratesdayrates]

hearing couples talk about having open and great communication and feeling comfortable about doing that and god it makes me emotional and sad because i think it's my fault i don't

[nitratesdayrates]

a very passive aggressive "disagreement" we had last night that started as a joke

*about big not great thing happening that he can't control* me: just gotta shove that shit down deep him: that's not how that works me: works for me him: if that's what your therapist is telling you, you need a better therapist me: well, sounds like you might need one to help you with this. maybe you should go to one him: i don't NEED a therapist me: just saying it might help him: i AM A THERAPIST me: IT DOESN'T MATTER

he literally cannot therapize himself i don't understand HOW we're still having this conversation and how we don't seem to be able to communicate after 19 years. we're in so deep at this point we need guidance but he won't go so. part of the issue and i swear next time i will make better building blocks. if there is a next time.

[nitratesdayrates]

when you know you're pms-ing but that doesn't make anything less terrible and i continue to be at both ends of "alex you're being absolutely fucking ridiculous" and "nothing will ever be okay ever again"

[nitratesdayrates]

100% need to stop whatever version of flirting i'm doing

[nitratesdayrates]

she said, "i love you" in the dream and i woke up feeling it in every part of me