One Beautiful Mess

Nikki, 26. PH An ambivert with self-diagnosed high functioning depression

[nkisinfjworld]

“I never thought I’d be capable of loving someone the way I love you. My heart was locked up. It’s something I will never be able to explain, but suddenly, I don’t know exactly the moment, my heart opened. And I’m going to love you for the rest of my life. When I’m in Nepal, I’ll be loving you. When I return to Amsterdam, I’ll be loving you. When I finally fall for someone else, I’ll continue loving you, even if in a different way from today.”

“God -- I don’t know if He exists but I know I hope He’s here with us now, listening to my words -- I ask to never again allow me to be satisfied with only my own company. That I never feel afraid of needing someone or of suffering, because there is no suffering worse than the dark, gray room where pain cannot reach.” -- Karla to Paulo, Hippie

It took me a long time to finish this book but when I finally did, I was kind of heartbroken but satisfied. I had no idea how the book will end but it was something I didn’t expect from Paulo Coelho. If you find the time, give this book a try.

xo, N <3

[nkisinfjworld]

The Warrior of the Light must always remember the five rules of combat, set down by Chuan Tzu three thousand years ago:

Faith. Before going into battle, you must believe in the reasons for the fight.

Companions. Choose your allies and learn to fight in company, for no one ever won a war singlehandedly.

Time. A battle in winter is different from a battle in summer; a good Warrior is careful to select the right moment to begin a fight.

Space. One does not fight in the same way in a mountain pass as one would on a plain. Think about your surroundings and how best to move around them.

Strategy. The best Warrior is the one who plans his fight.

--- Paulo Coelho

[nkisinfjworld]

My Birthday Wish

You.

You hold the other end of the ribbon; You hold a piece of me; I give it to you with no questions; To you... My birthday wish.

[nkisinfjworld]

Siargao Travel Guide (2.0)

Traveling for 16hrs back and forth is all worth it once we finally set foot on the sand of Siargao. We knew we had to explore the island after settling in the resort. In this post I’m going to share with you our DIY island tours, expenses we spent and food/restaurant recommendations ;)

So here’s our itinerary during our 4d3n stay:

Day 1  We met Kuya Dags, a local tryke driver in Dapa who took us to General Luna. He asked us about our plans and provided better suggestions where we can save money. He offered his day tour package (which is basically driving us from Magpupungko to Sugba Lagoon) that will cost us P2,000 excluding entrance fees and boat rental to the Lagoon. We agreed. Our original plan was to join a tour package that’ll cost us more than a thousand for each location. There are lots of IG pages posting about joiners tour you can just compare based on your preference, but here’s ours:

Day Tour Tryke & Driver: P2,000

* Magpupungko Rock Pools Entrance Fee: P50/pax (children are free)

* Sugba Lagoon Pump Boat: P1,600 (can fit up to 6 people) Entrance Fee: P50/pax (children are free)

Let’s do the math, Rentals: 2,000+1,600 = 3,600 /4 = P900/ pax Entrance Fees: P100 Total: P1,000/pax

Day 2 - Island Hopping

So on our second day we didn’t ask for Kuya Dags’ services anymore. We just rode a tryke which costs 20/pax and asked the driver to bring us to where we can rent a pump boat that’ll take us to the island tours (someone that he knows). Before heading to the islands though, we went to their market and bought foods to bring with us since we didn’t want to spend more once were there. In Daku island there are stores since it’s residential but it’ll be more expensive.  Boat Rental Island Tour P1,500 (max capacity 6 people) Docking Fee * Daku Island P100 * Guyam Island P30 Food (let’s just say we spent around P800 for the fruits and bread) Fare P20/pax one way That’s going to be P1,500 + P300 + P800 = P2,600/ 4pax + P40 = P690

Naked Island

Daku Island (where we had lunch under the trees)

Guyam Island

Day 3 - Cloud 9 & Surfing

When in Siargao, you should never miss surfing. I, for one is a noob in swimming but since I’ve read you can do beginner’s lesson for surfing despite not being able to swim, I decided I’ll learn.

We went to cloud 9 at 11am by hailing a tryke. Arrived there after 8-10mins from Kermit Resort, and had the place all to ourselves until our surf lessons at 4pm.

In Cloud 9 we spent:

Tryke Fare: P20/pax (one way) Entrance Fee: P50/pax *Which was good for  the whole day, if you go out, you just need to present the ticket, no need to pay again. Lunch: P100 *There are lots of stores in the area, we just opted to eat in a tapsilogan which was cheap, but you can eat somewhere else lol Surfing Lessons (Oh Wow Surf) P500/pax *Which already includes surf board rental and surf instructor, and it’s good for a 1hr experience *Gwapitos (in Kermit) also offers surf lessons, but since we’re on a budget, we decided to look for cheaper deals. 

Post-surf photo ops. That’s Ayen’s surf instructor (mine was so busy with other students already) from Oh Wow Surf! We we’re walking towards the end of the area and there are a lot of surf instructors chillin’ on the sides waiting for high tide. We didn’t originally planned to get lessons from them but we came across a boy whose father was from their group. He led us to them and the rest was history. 

Siargao has one of the most beautiful sunsets and we were lucky to be able to witness it after our surf session. My phone camera doesn’t do justice to how pretty it was. It was a good itinerary we had. And the weather cooperated. Siargao doesn’t disappoint.

Also, we planned the trip on an August since it’s not peak season, not surfing competition schedules, thus our trip was so smooth and Cloud 9 was quiet. Next time we’re going back to see competitions though ;)

Back to the expenses, Day 1: P1,000 Day 2: P690 Day 3: P690 Total: P2,380

I’ll be posting next about food and all Siargao shenanigans (hopefully I get to edit and upload videos too). Ciao!

xo, N <3

[nkisinfjworld]

Siargao Travel Guide (1.0)

I’ll post two parts of this travel guide:

1.0 Travel time and its expenses 2.0 Tours in the island and its expenses

We already planned our trip January of this year. We booked in advance a local cottage at Kermit Resort & Restaurant for 3 nights. That time our room booking cost P1,560/night which was good for 2 people.

I keep on forgetting taking photos of what’s inside the room. *facepalm* But you can just visit their website, whats in there is what it really is.

Representing House Mags ;)

Accommodation P1560 x 3nights = P4680 /2 (P2340/pax)

We originally planned the trip with Ayen & Indee. Thus we took the small room. It was a late decision that Ate Jan came with us, so they just added a room when we arrived in the resort. That time, the local cottage was already priced at P2,500/ night.

So we stayed in Siargao for 4d3n without any prior bookings/reservation apart from where were staying. Here's the breakdown of our travel expenses:

PS. Group expenses are always divided into 4pax

1pm (2hrs) Iligan - CDO via Rural Bus -- P100 3pm Bulua Bus Terminal - Agora Bus Terminal via Taxi -- P146 (P36.5/pax)       -- we had early dinner @ Jolibee -- 5pm (6hrs) CDO to Butuan via Bachelor Bus -- P400 (regular fare) P320 (SP) 11pm (2hrs) Butuan to Surigao via Bachelor Bus -- P226 (regular fare) P180 (SP) 1am Surigao Bus Terminal to Lipata Port -- Tryke P210 (30/pax) ** First Trip to Dapa Port is @ 4AM via Evaristo Shipping 4am Lipata to Dapa Port -- P200 (tourist) + P10 (terminal fee) ** 7am Arrival @ Dapa Port, Siargao Dapa Port to General Luna via tryke -- P200 (35/pax) Alright, now if we do the math, one way fare from Iligan City to General Luna, Siargao is at P911.50 (under the SP or student rate since I’m still a graduate student), if it’s on regular rate, total is P1,064.50. That’s only the fare expenses, you have to calculate the dinner and snacks in between the 16-hr travel time. But if you want to save, you can always bring your own food ;)

That’ll then be: Accommodation (4d3n) P2,340 Fare (one way) P911.50 Total P3251.50

PS -- if you’re a student, always bring your ID with you. Bus inspectors will always look for it.

Will post part 2.0 in a bit.

xo, N <3

[nkisinfjworld]

“Let’s never waste new tears for the past” (Along with the Gods: The Two Worlds)

I don't know where I'm going to go along with this post but one thing's for sure. I'm yet to convince you to watch another film.

I'm a K-drama jerkie, a k-pop fanatic, and I kinda have this feeling I was a  South Korean in my past life. But kidding aside, have you heard of the 2017 film, "Along with the Gods: The Two Worlds"? 

I'm writing this with swollen eyes and runny nose, immediately after watching the 2-hr movie because I want to remember exactly how I felt while watching it. This movie isn't about the usual romantic love story that'll break your heart, nor is it about a drama about being in love and such. This is about making viewers realize the value of the 'living' life we have, and missing chances, and realize everything we've done in the 'afterlife'. I don't know if you believe in any gods or heaven and hell, or even life after death; but this movie just captured everything and immersed me the whole time I was watching it.

South Korean film makers really know how to play with your feelings. I'm not going to bore you by advertising too much and say the movie will continuously break your heart, since there's a tiny bit of comedy (and action) in it too. The lead actor, Cha Tae Hyun is famous in his fun roles in some k-series (Remember Sassy Girl? Yes that was him!), Ju Ji-Hoon is also in it too (Yaay! Oh how he has changed from Princess Hours!)

To be honest, I'm not so picky with films, I watch almost every genre except for horror and I watch films from other countries as long as there's subtitles so I can understand it. I've never had so much tears after watching Miracle in Cell No. 7 (2013), I shed some tears while watching Train to Busan (2016) too, but with this film, I guess I never stopped crying since minutes 19:03 until it ended.

Okay now back to the movie...

In the afterlife we face trials depending on the sins we did while we are alive. We have guardians, who believes in us, and stands beside us to justify our actions. Isn't that thought comforting? Even in the afterlife, we aren't left alone. What struck me the most was the last trial, when the god told the lead "I gave you 15 years (to apologize, to make a move, to correct his mistakes)". Come to think of it, how many chances have we been given? How many chances have we wasted? How many chances have we walked passed by? How many chances are we still going to wait for? How many chances are we going to waste... again?

I love movies that makes me think of how I live my life, in all aspects. And I love movies which makes me stop and think for minutes, before I move and realize that the movie is over. This is one of those films.

And one more take home from it, is that...

"Le'ts never waste new tears on the past"

PS. Watch this in movie theaters near you (if it’s still on), and if not, send me a message in private for the link! *wink

xo, N <3

[nkisinfjworld]

Before-ology, Favorite #1

This was the poem the poet apparently made in an instant for money. I think the title of this one would’ve been “milk shake” (you’ll know why when you see it).

When I was younger and people ask me what my favorite movie was, I used to answer either Matilda (1996) or Casper (1995) because the two of them were my childhood, and I still do watch it until now. But since I, well I don’t know, “matured”? I started watching movies in different genres (and I prefer the old ones).

Well what I’m really going to to talk about is the ‘Before’ Trilogy (1995, 2004, 2013) and why I transitioned to become the hopeless romantic that I am.

I’ve recently decided to re-watch all three movies (and ditched my graduate class to do it) because I felt this need to find myself lost somewhere I’ve never been in, and be with someone I’ve never been with. (I have issues that I need to face)

The “Before” Trilogy is a film of realistic love story, with two characters who met in a train, decided to get together for a day, got to know each other and fell in love. But it’s not the typical love story where it had a happy ending or sad one that’ll make you sob. It’s something else, it will leave you craving for more, for answers and doubts. The first one was released in 1995, Before Sunrise.

Such a beautiful photo of Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and Celine (Julie Deply)

The film focuses on both characters and no one else. It’s amazing how they just spent the whole day walking around Vienna and did nothing but talk, argue, explore, fall in love, and say their goodbyes. I actually had to immerse myself in the movie and made sure no one was bothering me because the secret is to listen to both characters because they have such beautiful and different perspectives in life. Their lines were beautiful, here are some of my favorites...

And what follows is I think what most people’s favorite scene was. I love how honest the characters were before they said their goodbyes. How I wish I was that upfront with what I feel about someone.

Now I will not spoil everything about the film here, what I’ll do though is to share more of my favorite lines in the trilogy. What follows are scenes from the second film, Before Sunset (2004) where the two met coincidentally for the first time after 9 years, and just did the same thing they did - walk, and talk.. But, they are both in a committed relationship with other people.

As usual, their lines are heartbreaking because if not all, most of it are true. It’s an eye opening realistic observation of the world, and the people. I had to stop my tears from falling, especially from the scene below...

The last part of this trilogy was released on 2013, Before Midnight. I warn you, amongst the three, this is the most heartbreaking. It is about marriage, making it work, and defining true love. As much as I want to tell you what happened, I won’t. Everyone should be feeling the emotions of both Jesse and Celine in the third film. Although they weren’t all alone in this movie, there are new characters who added to the taste of real love, and what’s nice is that it was from all different walks of life. Some of my favorite scenes are as follows...

Throughout the trilogy, you will walk with the characters and you will see them grow, and yeah, literally, since Ethan and Julie were still the actors who portrayed the characters. I think it added to the flavor; I wouldn’t be too emotional if the actors changed from one movie to another. Imagine filming one film and continuing it after 9 years? And another 9? It’s amazing!

For one, I think this is why I am the hopeless romantic that I am today. I think I believe that we connect with only few people, and it’s difficult to connect with others once you did with one person. It’s sad, maybe.. but I don’t think it is. You are lucky if you are with the person you connected with. And if not, you still are, you’re lucky you did. :)

If I haven’t convinced you to watch this film, there’s nothing I can do much about it. But if I did, well I am happy. Let’s all be lost in Vienna, Paris, and Greece. They may not show the picturesque Europe, but I felt that I was there walking with them too.

Now go on, google the film. *wink

xo, N <3

[nkisinfjworld]

Decisions, Confusions, Second Chances - Siargao the Movie

Alright, if you’ve been following me in my twitter account you probably know how I’ve been rambling about this film since I heard about it. For one, I’m such a beach freak; and also Siargao is in Mindanao - come on, Manileños always think about Mindanao as a place with war and how dangerous it is to come here. But hello? 

So yeah, I promised myself not to watch any other film for MMFF 2017 but Siargao. Luckily, Robinsons Iligan (yes, we do have a mall here also) decided to show the film. I was so determined to watch it even if I have to do it alone (which I haven’t done really), and I was ready for that challenge. Good thing my old dorm mates came home for the holidays and agreed to watch it with me. (Yaay!)

First movie of the year, I guess I’m starting 2018 with good decisions. Lol

Anyway, a friend told me I’d be crying my heart out watching this film and that my (love) life resembles that of Abi’s (Jasmine Curtis-Smith) and that I can also be Laura (Erich) since I take videos so much. But she didn’t mention about Diego’s (Jericho) character in the movie. 

The issues of each characters in the film were confusing and real, the struggles they have to face are because of decisions they made in the past, and if I’m not mistaken, decisions that they’d like to change, decisions they regret, and would like to “reset” (they used the word reset in the movie quite a lot).  But to my surprise, I did not cry. I am usually such a cry baby when it comes to films like this, but I didn’t.

I won’t be talking about how the cinematography was, or how the actors performance were because I don’t have the right to, I mean where am I going to base my opinion on? However, I’m going to talk about how the movie affected me, as a person, as someone who also has her issues; someone who is also confused, and someone who just came back home.

Laura was scared of moving forward with her life that she turned down a wedding proposal from someone she loves. Abi was scared to move out of her comfort zone. Diego was scared to get stuck, thus he left to reach his dreams, but eventually returned home. Three characters all wanting to move forward from their mistakes, met in a wonderful island, and the story goes.

It’s secretly implying on giving yourself another chance to redeem it. It’s low-key telling us that we can still redo things, make it better; decide and stand for what we really want. People relate so much with Laura and Abi’s stories but I am Diego in the film. I was just in that point of my life last year where I chased for what I wanted, I got there, I got in trouble, and I decided to come home (to come to love again? haha that I do not know). His character had so much going on that I think they forgot to explain what happened between him and his father. That is really something I would like to understand. But to talk about self reinvention, I liked how Laura didn’t opt to use Diego to cover her true feelings, I liked how Laura was so honest and how she and Diego remained friends. Oh yeah, they did use each other at one point, but they used each other to deeply understand what they really want in life and ended up helping each other eventually. 

Somehow, it’s telling us that home is really where the heart is. And that no matter where we wander, we will always go back to the arms of people who mean so much to us. 

PS - the movie shows how beautiful Siargao is, and it also showed some more beauty of Surigao at one point when Laura decided to travel more alone. I’ll definitely be visiting the island.

I’m leaving you with some lines in the film which I got from Siargao the Movie’s official Facebook Page:

xo, N <3

[nkisinfjworld]

Backlog 2 - Bohol

The following are photos of places I’ve been in 2016 to 2017. I’ve been really a mess and just junked over all photos uploading them in facebook.

Before 2016 ended, my cousin from London (Ate Chi) and her family decided to visit Visayas. Luckily I was in Cebu which was only an hour ride away to Bohol. I remember visiting Bohol when I was younger, there was no facebook or smart phones during that time, you can just imagine how long ago that was. Lol.

Chocolate Hills with Ate Chi

Tarsier Sanctuary

Bohol is the only place in the Philippines which has Tarsiers. They already changed so much with the place. Rules here and there to keep humans from stressing out the Tarsiers since they are quite known to kill themselves once stressed. I’m not sure though, are they already extinct in this earth? I hope not.

Manmade Forest

But all I see is the forest, where’s all the men? Kidding ;)

Alona Beach

Sad thing about this beach (because I’m such a beach freak) is that it’s too crowded, and a friend of Ate Chi got stung by a jelly fish; two reasons why I didn’t go for a dip - not even once.

Well, okay... Just my feet.

xo, N <3

[nkisinfjworld]

Backlog 1 - Bacolod, Negros Occidental

The following are photos of places I’ve been in 2016 to 2017. I’ve been really a mess and just junked over all photos uploading them in facebook. 

Unlike more previous years, I only visited few places because of all the issues I had with myself and with all the changes and adjustments (I’m being too defensive). 

In 2016, I spent my birthday in Bacolod City (The City of Smiles AND EXTREMELY GOOD FOOD) with new friends I found from work. These are just few photos left in my phone camera (my slr isn’t working anymore T_T)

The Ruins (Must visit #1) Don’t judge it by this blurry photo. It wasn’t a good timing when we arrived. It was dark and raining, and all we had were cellphone cameras. It was just so beautiful and full of history.

Lakawon Island (Must visit #2) 

So as I said, weather wasn’t cooperating whilst we were in Bacolod (Negros Occidental) but we just had to push thru with our beach plans. It’s an hour or two, ride away from the City but Lakawon was a pretty sight. We weren’t able to stay long and take lots of photos due to lack of time (it was our last day of vacation)

Mambukal Hot Spring Resort (Must visit #3)

I honestly don’t remember which part of Bacolod this is but what I clearly recall is how hot the water really was. It’s a natural hot spring from an inactive volcano from the place. There was even a pool where you’re not allowed to swim in because it can burn your skin!

CALEA (Must visit #4)

No matter how crowded this place is, one MUST eat their desserts. This cafe made me realize how much I am missing life. Truly, Bacolod has a lot of good food and desserts to offer. I swear!

xo, N <3

[nkisinfjworld]

Twentyeighteen - one

Just the first day of 2018 and I've been thinking so much, to the point of almost breaking down and losing myself in my irrationality.

It's the first day of a new year, and what better way to celebrate such opportunity than to revive my blog? So here I am, keeping a promise to myself that I'd express my thoughts here rather than let it bury me alive.

Hello, twenty-eighteen. I am very ecstatic of welcoming you, there's just so much to look forward.. It's a year of exploring who I accepted to become, a year of embracing my silver year on earth, and a year of welcoming whoever comes, because I am now, more than ever... Ready.

But before that, here are photos to highlight my 2017. It's not a bad thing to look back as long as we don't get stuck there, right? ;)

These are some of the people I got to know back in Cebu. It was a fun six months living in a big city. Sadly, it didn’t suit me. 

Living in  Cebu had so many perks. So many food stalls, restaurants, all sorts of delicacies can be found everywhere. Still, I prefer Korean food. It’s just the best. Crossing my fingers I get to visit South Korea soonest! 

Now these are the people whom I consider as new family. When I thought I was going to get stuck in a position of self pity and distress; God placed me back in the academe world, and a chance to get back on my feet. #TeamGuidance 

I have this longing love for good drinks (*alcohol*) and I’m glad about this new place in Iligan. They serve delicious craft beers! If you get a chance to visit Iligan, don’t miss this place! #FatPaulys

 And well of course, the second half of 2017 welcomed us in our new home. It was a toughie, and the house isn’t finished yet, but I’m just glad we were able to move in. 

I promise to write more this year. I hope I stay true to my words. *wink

xo, N <3 

[nkisinfjworld]

Reviving what has been here, and welcoming what is yet to come. I am back, and this time, I won’t be leaving.

[dailyinspirationquotes]

[nkisinfjworld]

Outburst...

“Everything you want is in the other side of fear.”

I don’t remember where I read that quote but it’s written in my planner for May 2016. And here I am, once again going to pour out how I feel, June of 2016. It’s been a long time really, and I don’t know if I can put out to words what I want to express thru writing. 

I’ve been through a lot of things lately and I haven’t even stayed here (Cebu) for a month. Everything in my life is in a total 360-degree change and I haven’t pictured this to be part of my growing up process. Admittedly, I know I am a perfectionist-idealistic-pessimistic-with-OCB personality type of adult (Am I?) who is going through quarter life crisis (if I say so myself). An only child who is putting all the pressure to herself wanting to reach goals she set by on her own... so there is no one else to blame for all the overthinking but myself. What’s sad is all these things going in my mind has been manifested in my physical exam - now I can really conclude how the mind controls every tiny cell in our body. 

Imagine being diagnosed with something when you haven’t experienced anything? I almost broke down. I broke down alone. I have been broken before, but I never felt more broken than knowing of the possibility that I might not do things that I want to because I may not be physically able to. Imagine seeing your dreams written in a long piece of paper being torn into tiny little pieces in front of you, and no matter how many times you put it back together, you can’t. You. Just. Can’t. Yes, that kind of pain. But even though I can’t, God can. He fixed me, He fixed my heart, He fixed my mind... He gave me a new piece of paper to rewrite my goals, and He handed me a pen, this time, we’re writing it together.

I’m physically okay now.. I haven’t really felt anything, and gladly my laboratory results thinks so too.

 “Choose prayer over worry. God can change everything, stay faithful.”

Honestly, I am not a very religious person. I don’t have many verses memorized; I don’t study the bible as keen as other people. I’m not active in church, I don’t attend mass every Sundays. But I pray in silence, and I’m a firm believer in God.

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” -- Mark 11:24

I’m oddly emotional writing this right now and I think I’m going to cry once this is published. Well yes, I miss my family. I miss you, ma. I miss you, pa. It’s difficult being so far away. Although I’ve lived independently for four years, Cebu is just farther than CDO was. But anyhow, I know there’s a reason why God permitted me to be here. I’ll see you soon, and I promise by that time I am stronger and more courageous.

It’s just that I’m grateful and excited to start my new journey. Maybe the one month of rest is what I need to open my eyes that everything happens in God’s perfect time… one day at a time. There’s no need to rush because everything is written marvelously in His hands, and all I have to do is walk by grace through faith. I don’t know what lies ahead but I am embracing the future with all optimism because I know, that God is working it out, so Nikki, stop worrying! :) 

“Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” -- Matthew 17:20

[nkisinfjworld]

Hebrews  11:1

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”  --- Hebrews 11:1

Have you ever been in the verge of moving forward but then you see yourself failing to do so, and decide to go backwards?

Recently, I have been writing down my thoughts in my planner book (since I don’t keep a journal anymore) and I have seen the pattern of my unconscious... I’ve been going back and forth; struggling if I should or should not; and end up being stuck with hope --- a hope with no proof; a hope that scares me.

But one day, I came across a bible verse which lightened up my insane-going-mind.. “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” It may sound cliche if you know me personally, but I woke to God’s words. The struggle to keep going or stay stuck has been uplifted, the confusion to move forward or to keep begging has been answered. I SHOULD.

I marked on my planner the day I decided to end things, and start a new beginning. Well if you have reached this point of reading you might wonder what this is about -- it’s the battle of my heart and my brain that involves love, and career. Should I leave? Should I move? Should I? or should I not?

And add this verse for today: Romans 5:5 “And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”  therefore I am decided that I really should:

1. Quit my job 2. Find a better job 3. Be a better person 4. Be better for God

Today I will give in, and today I will open everything to them. Wish me luck!

XO, N <3

[nkisinfjworld]

For when I die

I have always been a disappointment to you. I remember when I was younger I had these notes of how I hate myself for being such an ass since I was given birth. I have always had two questions, 1. Am I even your child? 2. What am I doing in this world?

It has been a long time since I last took note of how I felt this ‘unwantedness’ feeling I have right now, but I clearly remember the emotions every time I have to go through this. And believe me, it’s not easy. It’s not something you just “sleep it all out” or “lets drink to forget that” - it’s something you carry no matter how successful you become, what degree you hold, what place you’ve been to or how old you get. When it hits you -- it hits hard and bad.

I promised myself I will die first before you.

I promised you won’t go through the stage of grieving for loss because I know I’m not something precious to lose.

I promised it’ll be quick.

I promised it’ll be nothing.

For when I die no one will notice,

For when I die nothing will change,

For when I die I will remember

HOW HAPPY I MADE YOU WHEN I TOOK MY LAST BREATH.

122815 | When you said you regret why you had me

[nkisinfjworld]

Good Vibes in Digos City

Do you ever feel that kind of overflowing blessings disguised as free travel? Well, I did again. Thank you Teta Brenda! *biggest smile ever*

This trip was months after our August Surigao del Norte- Sur adventure with #TeamAcacia.

2014 bid goodbye and we welcomed 2015 bidding also our goodbyes to Niña when she left the house after passing the CPA board exam (Yay! Congrats Nin!) and moved to Manila for a job. 

Teta Brenda invited all of us for another road trip to Digos City. It’s sad that the girls are not together anymore in this trip because Nadine got caught up with work loads so she was not able to go with us in the Davao Trip. 

A quick photo-op in Buda

Davao City is only an 8-hour drive from Cagayan de Oro and I guess a 20-30 min plane ride from CdO airport. It’s a shame for me who lives near Davao that I haven’t set foot in the city ever since. I am very grateful for Teta that she brought us with her in this yet another adventure. And what’s more exciting is we didn’t just stayed in the City proper but we went to Digos City! Teta Brenda visited Mother Concelia (a friend of hers) who is going to travel to Rome for her personal duties, but before she does, we we’re given the chance to live and stay in their monastery.

All of us we’re given one room that they use for retreats, but Marge and I had a shared restroom which I actually like, it makes me feel that I am not alone in the room surrounded with all the silence around the place. (Well you know what they say about retreat houses, right?)

That’s us having dinner the night we arrived at the Retreat House (L-R) Jerwin, Me, Marge, Mother Concelia, and Teta Brenda

But goodness, I remember when I had my retreat back in the days, they always serve delicious foods... Mother gave us the same feeling as I did back then. A complete menu in every meal! I could get used to it. Hihi. Kidding aside, it was such a blessing! Thank you, Mother :)

We spent three nights in Digos City, one whole day in the said city, and the other in Davao City. Mother was with us all throughout the trip, and nothing can make me feel safer.

First Stop... a whole afternoon spent at Camp Sabros. They say it’s the little Baguio because it was really chilly up there, and the travel all the way up is taxing, but worth it.

It was only me and Marge who enjoyed the rides. And because of our excitement, it was too late when we realized how dangerous the zipline and cable ride were because we didn’t have any harness. Haha! But we’re alive, so no regrets. ;)

To be continued...

Lotsa love, N <3