[nnnoope]

Heavy Tw: Mentions of suicide

I wanted to put this somewhere, for someone to see, because I don't know,, I feel unseen where I am now.

I started hated Christmas and holidays surrounding it. Maybe it was because I was told to visit my father's grave during my birthday, the same man who left me and turned to substance abuse. Or maybe it was the fact that that jolly holiday gave me unpleasant memories to begin with.

Last Christmas, I locked myself up in my room after a nasty overreaction regarding relatives. I barely left, pretending to sleep. When my mom finally confronted me, all mad, I finally told her about all the pains and struggles I've been dealing with, including my multiple suicide attempts. I should've expected her reaction honestly. Everytime I try to tell her about my struggles, she piles her own on top of it, one-upping me like always. So for her to cry because she was in pain at the moment. Her. Not her child that was admitting to suicide, not her child who just told their deepest secret, but her. The one person I expected to comfort me. No, I had to comfort her. Me. I had to comfort her. I never told her anything after that. My ongoing attempts, my worsening depression. Because I don't want to burden her further. I don't want to have to comfort a grown woman again about my problems.

[nnnoope]

realizing I like messed up characters to an unhealthy degree is making me feel a degree of unhealthy