Hello! You can call me Bex, Becky or B. I prefer they/them pronouns online but she/her is OK, too. I’m a 30-something autistic of indeterminate gender. I have a severe case of “wanting to fuck that old man.”
Fandoms & Interests
Star Wars (prequel defender, obikin-pilled)
The Terror
The Locked Tomb book series
Dropout TV
Witchcraft and divination
General science fiction, fantasy & horror
Animals (horses, dogs, bats, lagomorphs, etc.)
My blog is chaotic as I will simply reblog whatever strikes my fancy.
For @cold-boy-tapes day four: pick an artist and assign a song per character. obviously I had to do Ethel Cain. Listen in order!
Tracklist and rambling explanations below the cut (because i have... so many thoughts)
Perverts - Introduction / The Arctic
Family Tree (Intro) - James Fitzjames
Tempest - Francis Crozier
A Knock at the Door - Thomas Jopson
Etienne - Edward Little
Thatorchia - John Irving
Televangelism - Harry Goodsir
Family Tree - Silna
Thoroughfare - Henry Peglar
August Underground - Henry Foster Collins
Famous Last Words (An Ode to Eaters) - Cornelius Hickey
Strangers - Billy Gibson
Dog Days - Solomon Tozer
Crush - Thomas Armitage
Sun Bleached Flies - Finale
Introduction – Perverts.
'No one you know is a good person.'
Perfect opener. I know someone has already used this song to make a fantastic fanvid, using the distorted version of ‘Nearer, My God, to Thee’ that opens this song. As a 19th century hymn about Jacob’s ladder, ‘Nearer, My God, to Thee’ is a great fit for The Terror but so is EVERYTHING ELSE about this song: the background rumbling of wind and whispering voices, the sudden bongs which remind me of clock going off (calling people to watch, perhaps?), even the repeated line ‘Heaven hath forsaken the masturbator’ in line with the habits of seamen and the rules that govern them… And, obviously, the quoted line of ‘no one you know is a good person.’ It all puts me in mind of the ships at night as they’re slowly moved and warped and crushed by the ice around them, as distrust grows and their occupants slowly begin to lose their faith in their leadership, in each other, in time, in God, as they wait to die in never-ending arctic darkness. Yeah. Perverts.
Family Tree (Intro) – James Fitzjames
‘Swinging by my neck from the family tree’
A song about trying to hide who you are and who your family is, about being doomed from the start, about religion, about being afraid of people finding out what and who you really are? Woe, Family Tree (Intro) be upon ye! I know jfj hears the fury of ‘The fates already fucked me sideways / swinging by my neck from the family tree / he’ll laugh and say ‘You know, I raised you better than this / then leave me hanging / so they all can laugh at me’ and feels it burn through his own stomach too. Then he smiles, and shoves it down again.
Tempest – Francis Crozier
‘Don’t ask me why I hate myself / as I’m circling the drain / cos death, it takes too long / and I can’t wait / waiting for my own.’
I have already made Baby’s First Edit to this song, so it only felt right to include it. Tempest is a song about self-hatred, about fucking up your own life, about being angry with your circumstances and taking that out on yourself and others. ‘I’ll hurt myself if I want / I don’t care’ is one of my stand-out lyrics. It’s alcoholic Crozier; it’s Crozier who’s miserable at being second again, who’s been turned down twice by the woman he loves, who’s been trapped in ice for almost two years because no one listened to him, it’s book!Crozier who plans to kill himself as soon as his whiskey runs out. It’s Crozier who knows what’s coming and knows he could have stopped it had someone just listened, who doesn’t yet know he’s going to do everything in his power to try and save these men anyway. Who knows ‘I’m gonna regret this forever.’
A Knock at the Door – Thomas Jopson
'You never need to call my name / though I love it all the same / I know you by your knock on the door / I know you by your footsteps on the floor.'
I wish the demos of this song were available on Spotify, but alas, they are not. Of all the versions, the official version of A Knock at the Door is the most ambiguous (and most underrated imo). To me, it’s become about feeling fear and uncertainty for the future and what the person closest to you may be feeling: I'm not scared of no knock on the door, but maybe you are. There’s also the implication of death by drug misuse – ‘No one should ever see their friend / they’ve known since they were just kids / foam up and bite it on the floor’ – which is referenced more heavily in the demos. In my mind, it's come to really fit Jopson and Crozier's relationship, where Jopson places all his faith in Crozier and they both come to rely on each other heavily. That is my job you're shaving away, sir. There's trust and dependency, but an uncertainty there too. What's on the other side of the door? Jopson doesn't know; he just has to trust Crozier does.
Etienne – Edward Little
‘He thought he could induce a heart attack by running / a very fast way for a sizeable distance / going as far as he could until he dies’
Sad, beautiful song for a sad, beautiful man. Etienne is best enjoyed alone in the darkness of 4am, smoking from your window or staring at the barely-visible ceiling. Both situations I think Little enjoys.
Thatorchia – John Irving
Thatorchia is a word Ethel Cain made up, meaning ‘The bitter acceptance of the knowledge that God will let you near, but he won’t let you stay.’
Televangelism – Harry Goodsir
One of my favourite Ethel Cain pieces. This song was entirely improvised in one take, and I’m choosing to use that to draw parallels to how Goodsir is entirely improvising as ship’s doctor after the Carnivale disaster. On a less basic level, though, Televangelism in the Ethel Cain narrative is the passage through death and the ascent to Heaven, the idea of fading away into something beautiful that waits beyond. Both characters were corrupted and mistreated by the people around them, and yet both characters still see good and beauty in the world (“There is wonder here, Captain.” vs “If it’s meant to be than it will be / I forgive it all as it comes back to me” – though this is from the song that follows this one in the album, Sun Bleached Flies, which has it’s own place on this playlist!) Also, Televangelism is just a straight-up beautiful song, and if there’s anyone who deserves a song like that, it’s Goodsir.
Family Tree – Silna
‘Give myself up to him in offering / let him make a woman out of me.’
Like Family Tree (Intro) this is about what your family has passed onto you. However, unlike Intro, I find it to be more about acceptance than resistance. The only thing that gives me hesitance about this is the Christian imagery present (These crosses all over my body / remind me of who I used to be / Let Christ forgive these bones I’m hiding and put me on the back of your white horse / to ride all the way to the chapel) but since this is Ethel Cain, the imagery is pretty unavoidable. Needless to say, this is not a 1:1 comparison like some of these (cough, Hickey and Gibson, cough) are.
Thoroughfare – Henry Peglar
'And you said, "Hey / Do you wanna see the west with me?"'
Can't lie, Thoroughfare is... not my favourite song. HOWEVER it is a fan favourite (for reasons I don’t understand I’M SORRYYYYY) and i thought we deserved some happy amongst all the misery of this playlist, so here. A happy song about two people meeting while travelling and deciding to travel together – and falling in love as they do. if you stop Preacher's Daughter here, it has a happy ending. So lets also pretend that Peglar and Bridgens’ story stopped here, and they had a happy ending, okay?
August Underground – Henry Collins
What must it feel like to have your soul torn from your body? I imagine something like this.
Famous Last Words (An Ode to Eaters) – Cornelius Hickey
'And in the heat it searched for you / You were the one I'd have starved with / 'til I can't hold out no more / You were the one I'd come looking for / Over and over and over again.'
to be honest, I could have quoted this whole song for Hickey very happily. As a song written about Bones and All, it's about cannibalising your lover, but also about eating the only person who you have ever felt seen and loved by, for the purpose of keeping them with you forever. Just as AdNag called Hickey and Gibson's relationship a tragic love story at its close, this song is also a tragic love song about a relationship at its close. It just perfectly fits with how their love ends (feverish forehead / the blood that you waste / I’m tired of this / watching it wash out of you... look at me, baby / dead in my eyes / it's the end of our holidays / but it isn't goodbye / carry me with you all of the time) and the way that eerie melody plays between the lyrics, the drawl of Ethel Cain's singing, the piano, it all just screams of longing and misery yet CONVICTION that you (Hickey) are doing right by your lover. By eating them. Perfect.
Honourable (and less on the nose) mention to Punish Demo ii: ‘Say when you want me to come back and hold you, and surely, maybe you want me and I’ll be the half that I need… in the late night, like you’re half of me, I would wait to hold you / I was an angel, though plummeting / I watched it get dark, I’m playing it tough / the worst that could happen is happening to me.’ However, I don’t think Hickey as we know him is capable of this level of self-reflection.
Strangers – Billy Gibson
'Freezer bride, your sweet divine / you devour like smoked bovine hide / how funny, I never considered myself tough.'
I won't lie, I did have second thoughts about this one because I thought it could be TOO obvious – Strangers is a reflection on being cannibalised from the perspective of the cannibalised person. But it just works too well for me. From 'I tried to be good, am I no good? Am I no good? Am I no good? ... I just wanted to be yours, can I be yours? Can i be yours? Just tell me I'm yours’ in the chorus to 'euphoric in some strange delight / I'm happier here cos he told me i should be / you're so handsome when I'm all over your mouth' to the increasingly angry repetition of 'am I making you feel sick?' It's a dark song about being non-consensually cannibalised (and, in the wider Ethel Cain lore, non-consensually cannibalised in a weird religious cult ceremony which. yeah) and the sadness and fury from the ghost speaker is audible and understandable. Again, the repeated, increasingly angry 'am I making you feel sick?’ It was too perfect not to go for, but honourable mentions go to Crying During Sex (‘I lied when I said I didn’t want you / In no time / you’ll forget the way we were supposed to be … If I want you / like I said I’d never do / I would hold my breath / and sit down next to you / terrified you’ll bite the hand that needs you’)
Dog Days – Solomon Tozer
'You walk the fine line between God and animal / you're just a feral dog I worship in bedroom ceremonial / Cut me up and take me like bread and blood at church / love's never been more than pain / so, baby, show me how bad you hurt.'
Do I even need to say it. You're no good, I'm no good, we're no good.
Crush – Armitage
‘He looks like he works with his hands / and smells like Marlboro reds / it makes me so ugh / and I can’t get enough of it’
Another happier one for the denouement. Crush is one of my personal favourite songs so I couldn’t NOT include it and. Come on. He can’t take his eyes off that fucking red coat. ‘Good men die too, oh, I’d rather be with you.’ However, if you’re like me and feed off sad music, honourable mention to Tempest (Short Demo): ‘You come around here just to watch me die / am I what you think about all late at night? / and I can try and stop you, hold you, do everything that you do / but it’s no good / I’m scared of you’)
Fin – Sun Bleached Flies
What I couldn’t give to be in church this Sunday / listening to the choir, so heartfelt, all singin’ / ‘God loves you, but not enough to save you’
Concluding on Sun Bleached Flies just feels right: it’s a song about looking back on your life before and wishing you could return to it; about yearning for the love of a God you no longer believe in; about longing, and letting go; about suffering yet still seeing the love and beauty in the world despite it. It’s also told from the perspective of a ghost. Fitting in every way.
For @cold-boy-tapes Day 5
Songs from the past: Yours most sincerely (A Rossier playlist)
My headcanon for Rossier is that they did have a romantic relationship but it is well over by the events of The Terror, either by necessity or by choice. Although I think they're both able to look back on it somewhat fondly, Crozier struggles more because his subsequent romantic pursuits haven't worked out while Ross has happily moved on. (or has he?)
As ever, song list under the cut. I think it's best listened to in order but do whatever you want, I'm not a cop.
A couple of months back I had this silly idea, featuring two of my favourite Irishmen. It happens to fit the Day 4 prompt so I’m sharing it now! Apple Music link above and full song list below the cut.
for day 4 of @cold-boy-tapes I decided to do Ethel Cain for Terror characters. I know @empirenowmp3 did unreleased Ethel Cain for Terror characters so please check that one out as well and feast your eyes on the incredible graphic OP made.
tracklist and associated characters under the cut
American Teenager for Solomon Tozer
"The neighbor's brother came home in a box/ But he wanted to go so maybe it was his fault/ Another red heart taken by the American dream."
"Say what you want, but say it like you mean it/ With your fists for once, a long cold war/ With your kids in the front."
Fuck Me Eyes for James Fitzjames
"Her daddy keeps her in a box, but it's no good/ The boys can't get enough of her and her 'honey, fuck me eyes."
"Pretty baby with the miles, and when she leaves/ They never see her wiping her 'fuck me' eyes."
"They wanna take her out/ But no one wants to take her home."
Dust Bowl for Sophia Cracroft
"Natural blood-stained blond/ With the holes in his sneakers/ And his eyes all over me/ Drive-in slasher flick again/ Feeling me up as a porn star dies/ He's watching me instead/ Eighth grade death-pact strike me dead."
Strangers for Billy Gibson
"Freezer bride, your sweet divine/ You devour like smoked bovine hide/ How funny, I never considered myself tough."
August Underground for Cornelius Hickey
ambient
Hard Times for Cornelius Hickey
"I thought that good guys get to be happy/ I'm not happy/ I am poison in the water and unhappy."
"I was too young to notice/ That some types of love could be bad/ Praying I'd be like you/ Doing all of the things that you do/ And I still do/ And that scares me."
Housofpsychoticwomn for Thomas Jopson
"But maybe it lied (I love you)
Maybe it was all a lie (I love you)
I've tried so hard to explain in words what it meant to me (I love you)
How it felt to me (I love you)
But maybe it's not meant to be explained (I love you)
Maybe it's not meant to be marked down in words (I love you)
Or scrawled out on a piece of paper (I love you)
Until then, I guess I'll just lie here and wait (I love you, I love you)"
Morning Elvis for Francis Crozier
"And after every tour, I swear I'll quit
It's over boys, now this is it
But the call, it always comes
And it sounds like children
Begging to be born
But, oh, I guess I got my wish
Anything, anything, anything but this"
"Oh, you know I'm still afraid
I'm still crazy and I'm still scared
But if I make it to the stage
I'll show you what it means
To be spared,"
Head in the Wall for Billy Gibson
"Sometimes you make me want to put my fucking head through the wall/ Sometimes I wonder if I even know you at all."
[ID: a tweet by hannah @/shamediarist that reads: "they knocked down a historic porn theater in rochester to make a walgreens parking lot and now the walgreens is closed. what was it all for". a quote retweet by @/Saveydro is a picture of joni mitchell with a speech bubble. /end ID]
A couple of months back I had this silly idea, featuring two of my favourite Irishmen. It happens to fit the Day 4 prompt so I’m sharing it now! Apple Music link above and full song list below the cut.
Item: McDonald’s Demon Sauce, which is just a more honest re-labeling of the infamous 2000s Heinz purple ketchup. Adds a mild hint of Necrotic damage to any food, which connoisseurs admit is an acquired taste, but quite addictive. Please don’t ask how they make it.
