No Bros Allowed

[nobrosallowed]

Bro Eye Roll-Call

Here is an account of some Bros who really irritated me this weekend:

Bro #1 - Dude at a bar said to my genderqueer friend that he felt out of place (during a queer event) and then yelled angrily that “THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU HERE THAN PEOPLE LIKE ME.” 

Bro #2 - Dude at a discussion found it necessary to talk over everyone, even the panelists, in order to prove his “intellectual prowess.” 

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[nobrosallowed]

On Scrubs, a Treatise.

So there I was, sitting in my car in Wrigleyville. I was waiting to pick up a passenger while driving for Lyft. I saw him and his buddies crossing the street and I couldn't help but say out loud alone in my car: "Oh shit. Bros."

Four drunk young guys with cubs hats getting off the train. The were obviously from the suburbs. I bristled at the gross stuff that was surely going to come out of their mouths when they got in the car. But I am good at my job, and I am courteous to them as they get in.

Sure enough, less than a minute into this 7-8 minute ride (they got a lyft from the train to a bar that was like 5 blocks away, because of course they did) one of the bros in the passenger seat rolls down his window and sticks his head out. Since I didn't know what he was doing, and didn't particularly care to ask, I instead opted to begin rolling the window back up on his head. He jumped back inside, slightly upset.

He said, "Yo bro, what are you doing?"

I asked, "What are YOU doing?"

His face softened a bit, even taking on a look of slight pride, as he said "Oh yeah, I was just gonna catcall these chicks on the corner real quick."

When I told him not to do that in my car, his buddies in the backseat chimed in.

"Why shouldn't he try to talk to the ladies?"

"Yeah, you think he doesn't have the game to pull it off?" They laughed as they said this, because they were simultaneously challenging me and also getting a good chance to shit-talk their buddy. 

At this point I turned, while driving, to face the bro in the backseat and I looked him right in the eye and said "No. NO ONE does."

Side note: What does "having the game to pull it off even mean?" Do these guys really think that screaming at women from a moving car has any actual possibility of getting them anywhere? Do people think that catcalling actually works? Are they that dumb? Have they never heard TLC's No Scrubs? Surely not, because if they had they would remember the iconic lines from the chorus.

No, I don't want no scrubs

A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me

Hangin' out the passenger side

Of his best friend's ride

Trying to holla at me

These dudes aren't even hanging out of the passenger side of his best friend's ride. They are hanging out of the passenger side OF A LYFT. That has to like at least quadruple the scrub-factor, right?

Anyway, the bro in the passenger seat looks back at me at this point, with a look that screams "I am about to give you the type of sagely wisdom that can only come from a drunk 21-24 year-old white straight man." 

"Let me give you some advice, brah," he said. "In this life, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

That's right. He invoked the word of the one and only Wayne Gretzky. To defend catcalling. From a Lyft. It was an extremely rare moment of me being rendered speechless. I couldn't say anything. It set me to thinking could he have a point? I started to think about all the times when I was presented with prime opportunities and I never took the shot...

...Like in that moment. In the car. I missed an opportunity to take a shot. Because if I had had a gun, I could have shot all of those idiots in their idiot faces for being so idiotic! What horrible logic. What disgusting male ego. What a glorius display of toxic masculinity. And there would be no repercussions. They'll get out of the car, go to a bar, and probably aggressively ignore the disinterest of several women at the bar. Missed opportunity.

The thing that's really galling is that he isn't even wrong. At least, he truly believes that and believes that thats genuinely the only way to make women take interest in you. We teach young boys pretty much from day one that the only way to "get girls" is to trick them. And that any situation where you are in contact with a women is necessarily an opportunity to "shoot your shot." No situation is too inappropriate, no advance is too unwelcome, no reaction from the woman in question is obvious enough to not shoot your shot. Not only this, but they are taught that if they DON'T shoot their shot in the view of other boys or men, that they will be ridiculed. Their sexuality will inevitably and invariably be called into question. It necessarily becomes a situation where they aren't even looking at the women they are harassing as objects of genuine romantic interest. They are looking at them as objects of validation in front of other men. WIth the side effect of making sure that those women know "hey there are MEN here. You know, in case you thought you were safe. Or that you owned the space immediately around you. Or any space anywhere." They are looking at them like they arent even people. 

Solving toxic masculinity starts with all of us acknowledging that it starts young. It starts with what we say to boys. Instead of constantly telling girls to watch what they wear, to watch out for boys and their desires, to not trust men they don't know, why don't we tell boys to BE TRUSTWORTHY? Why don't we tell boys to watch out for the way they treat people, to not assume that showing affection for someone doesn't involve fooling them or transgressing on them? Why don't we stop telling them to shoot every shot, and teach them that they have to know when they are crossing the line of what the other person finds appropriate??? Why don't we teach boys that harassment is wrong? Why don't we teach boys that harassment is wrong. Yeah, let's do that. All of us.

[nobrosallowed]

The Need Of Destructive Bombast

I'm not a psychologist or sociologist. I can't expertly define Toxic Masculinity.

I am a man who's known and sought the acceptance of men. I can say definitively that does not run counter to being a feminist, as I consider myself one.

If I could be forgiven to call one thing out about being a toxically masculine guy, however inaccurate I may be, it would be the trait of being unconsciously physically violent. Expressing violence in everything you do, unthought as if breathing is one of the hallmarks that always stands out to me first. Sometimes it's as subtle as just not being able to sit your hands or legs still. Not being able to enjoy something for the sake of aesthetic nuance or anything feminine without fantasizing violence in it or towards it. The need of destructive bombast. The haze of it over all your expressions.

First listen. Then think, before you speak my brothers.

[nobrosallowed]

Being a Bro Means...

Not listening to other’s perspectives

Feeling entitled to _______________ . 

Not showing vulnerability 

Being threatened by the “other”

Objectifying others’ bodies 

Protecting abusers

Not listening to victims 

Participating in power struggles

Making everything about yourself 

Rallying around rivalry 

Perpetuating rivalries

Mocking other perspectives

Making jokes at the expense of other people 

Bullying

Verbally attacking

Physically attacking

Presuming authority

Talking over or down to people 

Having a fragile ego

Being aggressive

Being hot-tempered

Name-calling

Yelling to get your point across 

Look, the truth is: Men, women, non-binary people alike, we ALL demonstrate one or a few of these qualities, either buried within us or right there on the surface. It's our culture. None of us are perfect. We have to actively work to make changes. Life is all about how well we allow ourselves to grow and change. 

Let’s work to heal ourselves individually of these behaviors and also seek out others who encourage us to rid ourselves of these toxic masculine behaviors.  

Start with yourself. 

[nobrosallowed]

No Bros Allowed

Breaking down masculine-dominated power structures one event, zine, and Tumblr post at a time. 

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