[nomemorieszleft]

sober

yes, im sober. its almost been a year. but i honestly dont think i can be sober anymore. this is tough. my family is being distant and just not being supportive at all. maybe they are and im missing it. but this is making my anxiety so much worse. i would rather be six feet under than continue to live. i would rather chew on keys. but somehow someway, im here.........why? it has been years since i have been contemplating my own death. meds help sometimes sure, but other times i wake up wanting to just release myself from this earth. i always felt like i never had a purpose here. ever since i was young. maybe thats why i would do drugs, it would numb the pain but i lost so many things. i lost the trust between my family and i lost a lot of memories, a lot of self love. not like i had any to begin with anyway... i do not know how to move on from this, i know that i should but how? this life, this state of mind is simply not easy. i wish it was and i wish it would be over with. sadly my life cannot be over, apparently my purpose is more than shoving things up my nose lol

[nomemorieszleft]

paranoia

paranoia is once again kicking my ass. everywhere i turn i suddenly think everyone's out to get me and i just want to isolate myself from everyone and everything. this is physically making me tired, literally. i'm over it but i know i can't give up.

[nomemorieszleft]

Mornings.

This morning im not sure exactly how to feel. im over it, but at the same time i want to be happy so badly. when is this ever going to end? sometimes i tell myself i may as well give up now. i am not so sure as to what keeps me going anymore.. is it family? friends? my pets? maybe its the fact that i'm spiritual, i'm not sure anymore. i do have a job but i just cant seem to find the energy to go. nothing is really working anymore.

[nomemorieszleft]

not my own life

I have been lost for a while. i do things to please other people and i always have, especially the people in my family. i never really lived for myself, but things are changing. i now finally have my own life and i do not have to live it for anyone else. i can make my own money, do my own thing. somehow i still feel lonely. no one really gets me and how my emotions work or whether i can control them or not. no one ever asks me how i feel or how i am. i do not say much in general, i do not think it matters. now, i realize my own worth. i realized that i should express my emotions no matter how scary, sad, or dark they are. not in physical ways, because that just never works out. but in words. i never exactly know what to say. sorry if i am rambling. but regardless, i now live for myself and i think that is enough for now.

[nomemorieszleft]

Not my Mind

i am absolutely tired of being the person i am. i am tired of being depressed, anxious, self isolated. i would like to live in a beautiful non-clouded fog in my head but that is simply not possible. the worst people bring out terrible things in me. i wish my anger was not like this and i would like to control it. there is no point in fighting, even myself. i am simply tired of living in a world that i was not supposed to be in. sometimes i ask if i was even supposed to be born. what exactly is my purpose? i have been trying to find it since the day i was told i do not matter, when i was young. i am and have been trying to better myself but i do not know anymore. should i give up? it seems as if i am slowly but i have not realized it till now, i am simply tired of living in my own mind.

[nomemorieszleft]

lacking love.

in my own head all the time. my family seems to remind me i'm not wanted in this home every time i seem to think i'm actually here. i am nothing but a ghost who lingers around them, lost, seeking the love i have never gotten, even as a child. i am tired of begging for love when it's clearly not around me, it never was and simply never will be. i try to give off the love i know people deserve but there is just something wrong with me i guess. i try to make people happy, i do things others want to do all the time. maybe it's just too materialistic. i tell people i love them, the people who were close to me don't like physical touch, and that's okay and understandable. i guess i'm just lacking a lot of love, self-love, simply love for others. do not get me wrong i have been hurt multiple times. abuse mentally, physically, emotionally. is that possibly why? sometimes i'm not actually sure what i have done exactly, and i take all responsibility. all of these events make me want to self isolate and never be outside again. i have not really been outside for a reason. the world is brutal, so i have learned, and the people are no different.