Amor Vincit Omnia @nomorechoirs - Tumblr Blog

my mother left a god-sized yearning in me and my father left a god-shaped hole in me and now all I've got is this human-sized heart.

#if you even care btw :)#ngl i've decided being overly melodramatic is going to be how i deal with this post father abandonment depression from now on #cry prophecy kassandra

eesirachs

questions for your new lover

—is the tehom of genesis a hole or a goddess or both

—will you wear my lingerie

—can i wash your feet with my tears, with this oil, with locks of my hair

—is the valley of negev close to us

—is god buried there

—can you tell me where your god touches you, now

—what is the color of the visions that come to you in the night

#both but the goddess is the primordial waters while the hole itself (ancient. unforgiving) belongs to me since birth #no because I won’t be able to focus on anything else…unless it’s not a workday and you plan to take your items back ;)#no because I’m already running kneeling begging to do it for you instead!#(what else would my indie perfume collection (100s) and my past my waist hair and my ever flowing tears be good for?)#((please please just let me be of use to you. let me adore you. if you tried to do the same to me I think I’d weep and never stop))#I don’t think so…it’s fairly early on in the journey past Egypt isn’t it? I am too far deep into the wilderness to recall. long and lost.#no of course not. it’s too dry and arid and I would never allow my lord to mummify there. he’s where he always is. in the garden.#(dead bodies make the most beautiful flowers did you know?)#well I don’t know how much I can keep getting away with mentioning the god hole in my chest But if we’re talking g(od) spots:#I must confess there’s a spot on the upper right side of my neck. if you touch me there I can’t help but whimper and collapse….embarrassing #(is this where my nepesh has been hiding from me???)#I wish I could say pink. starspun candy dreams of youth. or blue like the elusive occasional holy spirit visits of peace. but they’re red.#red like a house on fire. red like blood. red like my scream. there’s no coming back from a red like that.

11 hour graveyard shift at the hospital with only a 30 minute break and nurses yelling at me the whole time, look at how much my angel wings grew, yay, yippee~

˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

#I know the emoticon is supposed to be a halo and wings but to me it’s my god shaped hole (and my wings)#.dd #AND AGAIN IN A COUPLE OF HOURS #girl (g*d) help (me) !!!

eesirachs

god likes you lonely. god likes you crushing on him. rumor is he's clingy. rumor is he's buried in the valley of negev. i know he's in your bed, though. i know his knees are to his chest on your bed, his cheeks flushed the color of lilacs. i know he loves you. he tells me this

#‘g*d likes you lonely/crushing on him’/‘he told me he loves you’ clutching this post to my chest in comfort as I try to sleep #I want to hold it delicately but my fingers grasp too tightly (sharp ragged nails) and it bursts like bruised fruit #it’s alright though. the scent of myrrh and spikenard perfume leaks and stains my skin and hair. lulls me to bed #goodnighttttt everyone 2 more 10 hr shifts to go #faith

eesirachs

how to handle religious crises

"i think god hates me"—go to adoration

"it's been x years"—go to adoration

"i can't feel god in my hurt"—go to adoration

"my relationships feel lonely"—go to adoration

"i think god is cruel, or neglectful, or negging"—go to adoration

"the locusts consume too much of me"—go to adoration

"my thrumming heart is leaky"—go to adoration

"i'm lost"—go to adoration

eesirachs

#literally literally literally!!!#I can’t wait for the church I regularly go to to finally start and finish construction on their 24 hr adoration chapel #otherwise it’s 30 min drive for me to get to the nearest one #you cry and He’s there and you silently scream in anger and He’s there and (if you’re me) you vomit in the vestibule and He’s there

mad at g*d all of a sudden. so mad at him I’m screaming. doesn’t mean he gets to take my angel wings though. those are permanent.

actually my shoulder blades hurt all the time because my angel wings are growing. I know since the holy spirit told me herself <3

#I’m SO TIRED and SO SCARED and SO FULL OF DESPAIR and want to [REDACTED]#yay woohoo yippee ˚₊‧꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

eesirachs

"whoever returns to their life will lose it," the child of nazareth tells his friends (mt 10:39). the verb in this is εὑρίσκω, heuriskó from heuro. retrouving, retrieving, returning to. you resurrect one night, on a thursday, and you know in clarity the contours of god's love. you're in the garden with him, the genesic garden with ripe cherries and fluffy fronds. you return to your life. then, in one breath, you lose it. there's no consoling, not from the child of nazareth. you return to yourself only to lose yourself. that's religion

#oh…#feeling very defeated today going back to work with yet another messed up schedule #very oh no we’re going back to the wilderness AGAIN very oh no here we go again very lost #I rested and ate food and drink (the best food and drink even. the Eucharist) and still I feel the journey is too great #I wonder if Elijah also wanted to stay beneath that broom tree and sleep longer but forced himself to get up anyways #well…back to it. finding god and losing him with every breath #I suppose I just have to remind myself he isn’t in the air it’s the act of breathing itself is where g*d is

woke up feeling very 'the angel of the Lord came a second time, touched him, and said, "arise and eat, or the journey will be too great for you"' today...

#nightmares. headache. alone alone alone. tired. back to work with a messed up schedule this next 2 weeks. sad.#forcing myself to get up and leave the house later to eat and go to church

waking up on the first day off after a grueling work week and knowing you have another grueling work week ahead...still too tired and knowing of the horrors ahead to feel truly content yet the peace that comes with simply allowing your body to rest settles over you anyways...this must be what Elijah felt the first time after he woke up under the tree in the wilderness and ate the cake and drank the water that the angel left for him. when the angel told him to keep eating and resting because God knew the journey was still too great.

#i'm making everything biblical now apparently because everything actually is.#helloooooooooo finished my back to back to back 4 in a row 10 hr graveyard shifts at the hospital everyoneeeeeeeee

oh no, me feeling ἐσκυλμένοι and ἐρριμμένοι….surprise, surprise……Not.

#almost crashed my car driving home from my ten hour shift because I was exhausted and inexplicably crying AGAIN #it’s okay though this means Jesus is going to be moved to compassion for me and Help Me right????#girl (god) help (me) !!!!!

eesirachs

you return to god, like he know you'd return to him. you return to him because he knew that. you return because this garden's hate-fucking you. because this river is too big. god knows your lip combo. he knows the color of your nephesh, the life-thing in your throat. he breathes into it, onto it. god's the v line of your lover's tummy. he's your runny nose, knees to chest on the bed, cheeks flushed like lilies. he's never not close to you. closer than that, even

#g*d knows the color of my nephesh…?#oh. oh wow. insane actually. blushing actually #he knows the deepest most sacred part of me even when I don’t #i bloom like a garden under his gaze once I fall asleep #and I don’t even realize it. how scary. how romantic #faith #our wrecked covenant our blood wedding

nomorechoirs

fr. "A Bat out of Hell" by Mary Ruefle

nomorechoirs

“Dust” by Dorianne Laux

nomorechoirs

fr. “Heaven on Earth” by Mary Ruefle

my work really has me κοπιῶντες away :(

#almost crashed my car after my 10 hr shift last night because I was suddenly crying so hard my eyes were stinging #and I know. I know. I prayed for this job. I suppose I’m just that weak #the way I cried at last week’s gospel reading iykyk

eesirachs

dead dove but it’s me warning you about the bible

#and just like my ao3 history I go ‘oh good thing I’m a regular at the dead dove diner’ and DIG IN #faith

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Amor Vincit Omnia