I got into college again, and I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, but I might as well do it while I can. I want to be successful and I want to use this opportunity to get better experience and to get better. But I feel like 2 years is too short, no, in a better world I'd be able to live here and do this forever. But that's not the way of the world.
You're here too, still, and I had thought it was going to be exactly as it is now. But my expectations kept changing so I am still emotionally distraught. Originally, like I said, they told me you might still be around, but that you wouldn't be in school. That was totally fine, honestly. There would be limited interaction.
Then they said actually, you'd be in school for one more year, and that you'd be around. Sharing classes even. And that made me upset, but I learned to expect it. Maybe I'd get some good exposure therapy. Maybe we could rekindle some kind of working acquaintanceship that wouldn't be too bad. Maybe we could finally talk about it, like you wanted to begin with.
That's why I got more mad over time instead of less, by the way. It was because you were simultaneously reaching out but leaving me on read every time you did. If you had a planned a call, if you had actually followed through like you meant to do, who knows how I would feel now, and how that would have resulted. Part of me thinks some of the motivation for reaching out was a serious attempt at friendship, maybe even a partial try to get back together. But you never, ever, followed up properly.
And that's why I lashed out as bad as I did. Because the truth is you fucking ruined my 20s, you ruined my emotions, I'm definitely not over how you treated me at the end, especially afterwards? So much self-loathing coming from your direction and no attempt to reach out except to lash out. I go mute, it turns out, when I'm stressed. And I have selective mutism now, when it comes to you. Technically the ball is in my court and I have to be the person to reach out, because I was the person to tell you to shut up. But part of me thinks that since I was so wronged, that you have to beg. But I am also so so upset that you've stopped. And I'm not going to be the one to reach out, because I see doing that as being weak.
I think maybe we could be friends again. But unfortunately there's no motivation for either of us. I resonate with something you said earlier, in one of your apologies. You lost a best friend. You were one of my best friends too. I have a side of me that only you would understand, even platonically. I see funny things I can't really share with other people, and I can't share it with you, tiktoks, memes, something I took a picture of. Others might laugh, but you would get it.
It fucking sucks now because I lost a best friend. Before it really sucked because I lost a boyfriend who I genuinely thought I would get married too. Before we even started dating, I had a passing thought one day, a comforting, not even sparks flying thought, that man is probably going to be your husband. And that was fine. And then you did all of that, knowing that the way I work is through conversation and understanding. And you felt you couldn't tell me anymore, what you were going through. I saw it a little bit and I was trying to help. But you wouldn't actually tell me enough for me to understand. And instead you hurt me really really bad.
Like actually, I wonder if you've ever been cheated on. I know the circumstances were already unconventional, but imagine:
That relationship you're in now, the one that now has officially time lapsed ours. The one that you've probably healed in, with someone who you've told all about me, and all about what you did, and all about what I've done. Someone who forgave you for that, just like I've forgiven you for your past transgressions with your exes before me. (Not that I'm the person who you should worry about for that anyway) She's learned all about it, and who you are now, and now you feel comfort with her. And she feels comfort with you. Imagine if she did what you did.
Would you break even more than you are? Would you lose every bit of self worth you managed to build? Would you still feel beautiful, would you still feel worthy? Would you feel like a cuck? Would you feel like anyone is capable of loving you, how could they, if even she would hurt you like that.
I lasted a week in a new relationship and cried. He tried to make me oysters. It was a terrible idea. That's not the point.
I already had issues with entering romantic relationships because of who I am (asexual, autistic, catholic guilt, suppressed sexuality...) but now even regular flirting, touch, literally anything, makes me feel ill. Because it reminds me of you, and because it's not you. It's sickening. I hate it. I hate all of it.
I still hate you. But I think I could hate you in a funny way. But no one wants to be hated in a funny way, even in friendship.
I wish you'd reach out again. I would still be petty, sure, but I'd be willing to meet up. But I fear I will not reach out to you. You, or her, or others, will think that I'm trying to do something I'm not. And I fear that may be why you're not doing the same.
Honestly, I'd be furious if you did without her permission. Because that did piss me off. Lunch with Christina. Texting Haley.
I read your messages the week before I officially found out by the way. I never told you that I did that. I looked through your phone while you were in the shower. I saw that you were texting her, that you said you loved her, that you missed her, that you longed for each other. It upset me. But I also didn't think too seriously about it, because I didn't know you were actually seeing her physically.
Do you still talk to her? Or did you guys fall off eventually?
Instead of exposure therapy, you actually are just, kind of around, but not in the way I thought you would be. That means that my expectations were shot again, and I could randomly see you around anytime. And I've seen you once, on accident, and neither of us said anything, and my anxiety rose, and I was upset for the rest of the day.
I hate feeling like this. I just want to get over it. But it's like, I want you to suffer. Basically, ideally, I want you dead. Not really, because I wouldn't actually want that. And also, that wouldn't stop it either. I'd want to get revenge on you in the grave, in your hole with your body wrapped in a blanket, like you always wanted. I want you tortured, I want you hurting. And maybe you've been tortured enough, and we're even now, but since I don't know that for sure, I want it to continue forever.
I want you to be a better person, too. But I also don't want a reality in which you are capable of that, but you just couldn't figure out how to be a good person with me. I'm not perfect, but I know I'm not a bad person (subjective, in this context I mean.) And I just... can't imagine ever doing what you did.
Ideally, I want you to reach out so that I can yell at you. I want you to yell at me. I want us to really get into it. I want to scream and cry, and I don't want you to shut down, I want you to scream and cry back at me, I want us to listen to each other. I want you to hear me. Because I think you understood I was upset, but I don't think you ever heard me. Not my words, or my intentions, but my emotions. I want you to say "I know." I want to hear what you've been through. I want to hear how you've actually suffered. I want to judge if it's been enough. I want to decide if where you are now is acceptable, if you've passed.
I don't want to be this way. But I can't stop either. I really can't. I'll be mad at you for the rest of my life.
