None of It is Real

At least it doesn't feel that way

[noneofitisreal-blog1]

Brandon

We sat in his car in the parking lot near the lake and he kept pausing while kissing me. It drove me nuts, which is why he did it, which is why I liked him. He’d go in for a kiss and then turn his whole face or kiss my chin, which was weird. But it was also funny. And silly. It was what our whole almost relationship was built on. 

Even though it drove me a little crazy, he would pause sometimes and just look at me for a little longer than usual and then kiss me softly. Each of those kisses was like the innocent first kiss we were supposed to have a hundred times before this. Each of those kisses was like he was making up for lost time. Saying “sorry it took me so long”. And so each one made me put up with the annoying silly kisses. 

[noneofitisreal-blog1]

Chad

No one has ever scared me by not doing anything. But I had a panic attack just seeing him across the bar. My friend asked if I’d be cool to go over and sit with our guy friends... they were with him. I thought I’d be completely fine. It was just a hookup. I wasn’t ashamed. Who would even care? Would anyone else even know?

But as I walked over, I realized I was practicing what to say when I got to the table. And when I thought of just coming in and saying hi, I imagined him introducing himself to me. Like he’d never met me. 

I detoured to the bathroom. I couldn’t let that happen. I didn’t want to know if he remembered me. I didn’t want to hear his voice or see his face. I didn’t want to think about him. I wanted to leave. I wanted to cry. I wanted a cigarette and I wanted to get as far away from him as I could. 

[noneofitisreal-blog1]

Harry

I can never figure out an exact way to describe the feelings I have for him, and will likely always have. It’s some mix of the one that got away, unrequited love, friendship that could be more, and just straight up unrealistic crush. 

He’s older than me, and where/when we got to know each other, it was an age gap that kind of meant friends and that’s it. And it wasn’t until he was across the country and in a completely different place in his life that I realized he was everything I ever wanted. 

And so now it’s just a feeling I have that will never go away. That there’s some chance. If the timing works out, if we’re in the same place, if we’re both single, if I have the courage to say something. The chance of all of these things happening at once are slim, but there’s still a chance.

[noneofitisreal-blog1]

Ben

I remember a moment where my eyes welled up just because he held my hand. He had done it before, but this was just sitting on a bus. A stupid bus on the way to his frat formal. We were with all of our friends, drunk and excited, and had been partying earlier in the night. But it was a long bus ride, so the excitement eventually died out (along with the trashy makeouts in front of all our friends). It was around 4am that I started to fall asleep, finding a way to use him as a pillow. 

Finally, I found a comfortable position, even if I can’t remember exactly what it was. I do know that my hand was close to his though. And after a little while of me not moving, something that rarely happens, he gently moved his fingertips up my palm until his fingers were intertwined with mine. I just remember being glad that he couldn’t see my eyes because I felt myself on the verge of tears.

I was so overwhelmed in that moment. I felt my heart beat faster and my breath catch in my throat. I wanted to freeze that moment in time and go back to avoid it all at the same time. I had never felt that way before, or known anyone to feel whatever way that was about me before. It was different than family, different than friends, and different than a hook up. This was something I didn’t know I was missing until it was right in front of me. And it is the feeling I miss every time I think about him.