#repressed

[howifeltabouthim]

I couldn't do this. I had tried. I had kept my head raised and my voice mostly steady. I had pushed through the pain and the horror. I had tried so, so hard. But the weight had kept building. And building. And building.

Kate Stevens, from Bride of Brutal Hearts

[dappergent1927]

Reading Mordecai Heller as a repressed gay man

The tragic attraction

This is a full post based on my response to a great analysis by @sedgewick-gayble

Let me start by saying that if you read Mordecai as being totally asexual/aromantic and any affection he has for other characters to be entirely platonic that is entirely valid and I respect that

However as this response by Tracy makes clear on the topic of fans reading Mordecai as gay there is an intentional ambiguity about it. Being 28 at the time of the main story his "lifestyle is certainly asexual" up to this point, yet "being ace and being gay are not mutually exclusive things" and people sometimes "don't know themselves or understand their own motivations all that well"

This leaves the possibility open that Mordecai is actively repressing his natural desires and feelings

Hey, just started getting into your comic and I know a lot of people read Mordecai as gay. I was getting more of an ace vibe from him and I

Mordecai's early life didn't exactly provide much time or opportunity for "self discovery", even by the usual standards of the less than tolerant and understanding world of the early 20th century

Being born into an impoverished family and having his father die very early in his life leaving him and his Mother and two younger sisters in dire straits, Mordecai had to get to work and assume adult responsibilities pretty damn early.

As Tracy says "selling newspapers wasn't going to cut it" and so using his natural talent with numbers Mordecai starts bookkeeping for the mob. Is it any wonder someone with that background would develop such a serious and rigidly buttoned up demeanour?

Since being forced to abandon his mother and two sisters at the start of the 1920s and flee New York, being picked up by Atlas's due to his habit of collecting useful strays, Mordecai had very few people he was close to in St Louis. With his generally anti-social personality and not only lack of interest but discomfort with any sort of flirting or romantic entanglements, that would be unlikely to change

Side note: Probaby coincidence but

There are only two people who seem to make it onto that exclusive list of people that "count" for Mordecai, who he cares about and are able to bring things to the surface he would normally keep hidden

Atlas to Mordecai is not just an employer, he is the man who saved his life, the man who moulded a desperate fearful shabby young stray into the sharp professional he is today, who took him under his wing and made him his protege. Filling the empty space his father left in his life. His grief and desperate hunt for those responsible for his death are his big motivation (the strain of which is slowly tearing him apart)

That connection is undertsandable

Much more surprising on the surface is the bond with the partner Atlas teamed him up with soon after his arrival, Viktor Vasko.

The assumption at the start would have been that while their skill sets might compliment each other in the field there would have been no warmth in their dynamic.

Certainly not on Mordecai's part as Viktor appears to be a sum total of many things Mordecai hates. Viktor is unshaven, relatively casual in his attire, speaks a broken English, has an asymmetrical face due to his missing eye, and hates people chattering or “noise, noise, noise” as he calls it. Clashing hard with his obsession with good grooming, symmetry, high quality tailoring, correct grammar etc. Indeed Mordecai doesn't hesitate to nag/criticize Viktor for many of these things

Yet at the same time Mordecai has far better chemistry with Viktor than with anyone else, able to banter and bicker with him in a way you rarely if ever see with others

Its why when he gets tailored clothes for the first time Viktor is the first person he wants to show off too. Its why the one time he is intoxicated Viktor (and his large physique) are his chosen topic of converation. Its why at Christmas/Hanuhhah he gives him the gift of a tie while claiming its just because of the big guys poor fashion sense and that its "embarassing to be seen with him" (even that justification makes him sound like a nagging girlfriend)

A smaller detail is that during their iconic chess playing in the side content, set during their days staking out the remote town of Defiance, Viktor is shown very casually winning the game much to Mordecai's visible distress

This is hilarious but could also be taken as a metaphor for Viktor (possibly without even realizing it) breaking through his defensive emotional barriers

Something Mordecai doesn't know how to handle or respond to

The animated short only adds fuel to the fire

During their dispute over strategy Mordecai moves his face so close to Viktors that he almost knocks his cap off his head. His eyes at one point even dart down towards his mouth

Sharp eyed Vikdecai fans have also noted that Mordecai seems on some level to want the two of them to match

The tie being the same colour could simpy be Mordecai giving Viktor one of his own ties because its a joke gift and he just grabbed it on a whim to tease Viktor about his poor fashion choices

But think about the matching suits at the New Years party for 1926

I mean, seriously, not only is it the exact same style of suit in the same blue-grey colour distinct from everyone else, but they are standing in the perfect spots to be symmetrical to each other. Something that we all know means a lot to this compulsive man

Mordecai must have known there was going to be a big group photo ahead of time and then carefully planned this

Got matching suits made to his and Viktors measurements

Made sure they were both what Mordecai believed to be Viktors favourite colour based on what he usually wears

Then most impressively convinced/nagged Viktor into cooperating (he may have taken off the tie and rolled up the sleeves but hey him playing along at all is quite a compromise from Viktor "I hate dressing up" Vasko)

Mordecai is intent on making Viktor retire and get out of danger, and avoid a situation where he gets sent to kill him by Marigold because he knows he could NOT do it, and his cover and investigation into Atlas's death would be over

He is horrified that Viktor is still working at Lackadaisy (though he again has to hide how much he cares) and that he has gotten not only hurt again but hurt by Mordecai again (albeit this time indirectly by stealing the guns)

Can this be read as simply platonic comradere? Absolutely

But there is something so *intense* in the fact he was willing to resort to kneecapping him. Its an extreme and desperate act that could only result from intense emotions, seemingly out of character for someone who tries very hard to appear logical and controlled.

While Vikdecai is a very fun ship when imagining them as an actual bickering married couple, I have often said that a tragic one-sided on Mordecai's part version of Vikdecai is the one that fits closest and surprisingly well into the canon.

His nagging and complaining about Viktor in that context take on a Tsundere aspect, both to protect himself from being found out and maybe even try and convince himself the uncomfortable alien feelings aren't there. He not only doesn't want others looking too hard at his feeling he doesn't want to examine them himself all that much

There is a heartbreaking but appealing angst to the idea of this extremely repressed man having such feelings for the first time in his life for his straight best friend and NOT knowing how to handle that. Having to perform the balancing act of being around him so much as his partner but being painfully aware that he can't let anyone catch on, especially not Viktor himself, as it would likely destroy his bond with the only person in town other than Atlas he is close to.

Though tragically he did that anyway later via the kneecapping, which while about trying to keep Viktor safe, he may now looking back try and tell himself its actually somehow "better" for Viktor to hate him for that

Because the big guy now wrongly thinks the feeling is mutual and that Mordecai never really cared about him, which may be better than (what Mordecai assumes would be) disgust at his partners doomed more than platonic feelings

Because he sees those feelings, and his situation, as a sad perfectly structured joke life has played on him

Yet those feelings are still strong enough that ,when encountering a thug named Gracie Grombach, another very large imposing man, during his hunt for answers, this cold, calculating hatchet man has the most emotionally open moment we have seen in the main story so far. Almost breaking down

Almost like there is another empty space in his life beside Atlas's where Viktor used to be, and with the strain of his investigation and the lack of progress getting to him, a part of him wishes that they could just sit down and talk things over together, like the good old days

And Gracie, in terms of bulk and his big suspeners at least, is just similar enough to make Mordecai, consciously or unconsciously, let his guard down for a moment

Despite it being with a poor substitute

[fafodill]

🛴 it's 5am and all I want to do is to tie him up and lick his body up like a fancy 8 course (very late) dinner/breakfast

assuming he probably had next to 0 intimate touch in canon, do you think he'd be ticklish? would he squirm from your/char using one of those feather wands on him? or would he be as stoic as it can get and not move a centimeter lmao

I could imagine both tbh; a sub sev who is very sensitive and needs to be held down from squirming too much. or an emotionally dulled one who needs to re-learn healthy and good touch - that someone wants to touch him out of love and care

Hello grinding!anon, a pleasure to meet again 🛴

I think you're onto something.

It's a classic to imagine him being extremely touch-sensitive (and it's very fun). Every caress, even very chaste ones, could feel very intense and electric to him. Ultimately he could be ticklish due to nerves and from his body not knowing how to interpret such unusual sensations. I don't think he'd be laughing tho. I'm personally very ticklish but certain parts of my body being tickled just make me jump. It's just over-stimulation, really, and I could see him squirming or jerking away very violently as well.

But I think the scenario where he's completely unresponsive is super interesting too and frankly not unexplored enough. Imagine his own disappointment when he realizes he feels next to nothing? Either his mind is running so much he can't focus or maybe he can but there's such a deep mental barrier that he's completely disconnected from his own sensations. And they both realize he's not reacting nearly enough to what is happening.

Of course it would be less comedic and more angsty but oh, so delicious and interesting.

Because he'd be forced to talk about it or -at the very least- think about it by himself. I could see him closing up even more, feeling disappointing but also so disappointed and angry at himself because what do you mean someone wants him and he's not even capable of enjoying it? What is wrong with him? What sick joke is this?

He'd have to learn and try to let go. But more than that, he'd need a few key discussions/realizations/events to help him heal some of his deeply rooted traumas and beliefs. It would be tough but quite beautiful.

Because the day they're going to kiss his neck and he's going to shudder and moan for the first time, oof, it will be hot.

(and maybe he'll close off again 5 minutes later because progress is not linear unfortunately but hey, that'd be a nice realistic touch)

[imbecominggayer]

How To Write Supressed Memories

From @differentnighttale we have a new ask: "How do I write a character who becomes a murderer without knowing while dealing with his repressed or surpressed memories?"

The condition that causes "repressed memories" is called dissociative amnesia.

A) Dissociative Amnesia

Dissociative Amnesia is caused when a traumatic or stressful event is so emotionally overwhelming that the brain builds walls surrounding the memories. This either blocks out severe or long-term trauma.

In most cases, the person still has the memories but they're just kept seperate from the everyday consciousness. Ultimately, dissociative amnesia is one of many different kinds of coping mechanisms that the brains adopts whenever a situation is so deeply traumatic and life-altering that the brain needs to shove it away.

However, despite the fact that the consciousness can't actively recall the memories, the traumatic event would still impact their behavior subconsciously.

For example:

giving them a phobia with seemingly no beginning

a refusal to enter in locations for no obvious reason

an avoidance of certain types of people

flashbacks

nightmares

Most people aren't aware of their missing memories until outside circumstances remind them. For example, military men with PTSD might forget the days following the return until someone mentions it.

This time can stretch from days after the trauma to months to even years.

B) Can Murder Be Traumatizing?

Answer: it depends

If the person is murdering people with a cold-hearted attitude and generally fine with murder, then they probably wont be traumatized.

However, if these murders were commited by a person when the tensions were high then it might result in dissociative amnesia.

Another contributing factor in this hyperspecific scenario might be the person's own internal beliefs of themselves! If someone is so convinced they are a great person, then they might shove down memories where they weren't a good person.

[whatareyoureallyafraidof]

Strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, can't be any worse than what we've got right now.

[altbenny]

this is my shocked face

[intentionalcannibal]