《Metaphørical》★Whøre★ @nonsensepurpose - Tumblr Blog

First cold or flu or whatever the fuckkkk since the last one that just so happened to knock me down so hard on my ass that i got deeply suicidal again once I recovered!!! Who's excited??

I feel like the universe is messing with me recently.. like there are so many small things and one huge insane homosexual thing and its like why we doing all this to me? Bet this is a test of my fucking wills dude. Like actually. This is a fucking test and it is such a big one it WANTSSS me to know. Yk what? Im gonna ace this fucking test so hard you're gonna question testing me like this ever again my friend.

I'll get out of this sickness alive and stable and return to normal life, I'll do my assignments and pass them both without too many sleepless nights of crashing out over the fact that im shit and won't graduate.. I'll get to see my bf once I'm no longer sick and nothing else will stand in the way of thattt. I'll lock back into routine for my fitness so well you'll be feeling so silly for trying to make me lose,, and I will never let your little tests get in the way of me living my life worth living and experiencing the future i want and deserve.

You'll never stop me because I just don't care. It's never gonna be bad enough to give up on all the light life can offer me,, now that i know how good having "home" in people AND place can feel nothing will ever make me think losing that is worth it. Whatever pain and agony you wanna throw at me to test that won't matter because i have a secret weapon now.. and you'll never get to fully know what that is so you'll never get to take my determination to live.

And for everyone thats not what I'm aiming this to (literally all real people),,, if i ever say it's not worth the pain i want you to slap me on the head and make me say im sorry because every single fucking bit of pain is worth it now that i know how bright being "home" feels.

Love yall. I'm gonna be okay. And even when I'm down, which unfortunately i will probably be again, i know i will be okay because i have home in you, my flat and now im building home in me.

uh i clicked this by accident and dont know how to get rid of it :( but i guess pick one?

original oreos

chocolate oreos

secret third option (comment it)

Remaining time: 2 days 18 hours

#i have no idea how to explain this but im sick and feel kinda like my brain is working differently and this is just me yapping #but also like standing my ground on the fact that i will be okay?#idk chat #i feel so sick and kinda scared but also like so calm and together #gonna go eat some oreos and finish my tea now #hope i magically recover from this cold in the next 10 hours #but ik i wont #whole flat is sick btw #flatmate 1 was sick first and then today me and 2 woke up sick...#wonder if 3 will get sick soon too lmao #it would literally be all us guys dying and flatmate 1 just trying to exist in a flat of masc ppl coughing 24/7 #rip flatmate 1 #if that happens #anywya #byebye

One day i will actually tell someone everything that happened growing up and how it affected me and it will show exactly why i am the way i am and it will be both horrible and beautiful.

(This day will never come. And if it does it will very much be me tripping balls and hallucinating a person to talk to because there is no way i could do that with an actual human being-)

#hah

Rant! (Family shit idk)

Accidentally broke the no 'AI talk' rule with my mother and am now sitting in very uncomfortable silence on my phone trying to push away the emotions i am feeling, the lump in my throat and the pressure in my temples cuz i will so not be okay if i go home with all this hanging over me knowing damn well I'll beat myself up later for upsetting her.

Hate this shit so much chat. I can't believe i stayed the night- like seriously i need to think more about me when it comes to being around this fucking house. Like yeah i love to get to see my son (gatsby the cat) and the doggos and yeah it was nice to spend time with my mum.... but holy fucking shit i can't exist in this house for more the 4 hours without genuinely losing my will to live-

Like i hate thinking about all the growing up in this house shit but like how can i not when a disagreement with her genuinely triggers the fuck out of me. I know nothing is gonna happen. And i know i dont live here. And i know it actually does not matter that i expressed how i feel but like my body does notttttt know that-

Shes gotten up and started making us lunch and is all normal and fine and talking and im sitting here feeling like im gonna pass out because of how far my brain took this. Its so stupid. Like i hate saying i have childhood/teenhood trauma thats not like sa... but like i do. And it fucking sucks because i also have like genuine imposter syndrome about it- like it just was never that bad and i feel like such a fraud when i get triggered around this type of thing. Like she never hit me yk? It just feels kinda weak to be getting a stress headache and going semi / non verbal because "mummy hurt my feelings".

I actuallyyy feel sick sitting here and need to get tf out of hereeeee but shes MAKING LUNCH SO IM LOWKEY TRAPPED NOW 😭😭😭

Extraaa ranting in the hashtags, like lowkey dont even go thereee 🥰

#when you spend a good 5 years counting the days till you can leave and never return #but like stay longer than you would have hoped because you lowkey were a danger to yourself and needed to be watched #and then like when you do finally leave it happens super fucking fast because somehow everything gets worse and worse and you're told to go #anddd then living your life outside of this house you finally get to really experience what a home should feel like #and even though you always said when you get out you'll never return #you are lowkey here pretty often (compared to like wanting it to be never)#and every single time you're here #you lose your fucking mind a little bit #because visiting the house you spent majority of your life growing up in #should not #make #you #feel #like #this.#but hey.. whats a guy to do?#you grow up in an emotionally unstable environment #with an absent bio father who fully abandoned you and hardly ever tries to be in your life #a step father you hate with a burning passion because of who he is trying to be for you #he will never be that #he can never be that #so you have a mutual understanding that you'll never really get along fully #and siblings that though i love to bits now literally were horrible to have around the way they were #because it made home life even more fucking unstable as they came and went and my autistic ass had to learn to navigate TWO family dynamics #WITH THE SAME PARENTS #oh! and!!! those parents not only made home emotionally unstable but also emotionally unsafe because our emotions were never 'real'#so you learned to never show how you feel #infact you actually learned how to fully mask how you feel in such an incredible way that no one at home ever knew you had major depressio #but hey then again how could your parents even ever notice that #when they neglected you and your siblings for their stupid fucking business.

SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP PISSING CRYING CUMMING DYING

#more than we ever imagined #twenty one pilots #im normal

Writing the most gut wrenching tumblr drafts, saving them and going "yeah i get this now" every time is lowkey so bad but also so funny-