Back to black.
Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Reader
Era: Season 9
Word count: 2.5k
Plot: Daryl comes home after many years to face the consequences of his actions.
Warnings: ANGST, pure ANGST!
A/N: I've been wanting to write this shared idea I had with @finalgirlrick for a while now, I hope I can break your heart (affectionate).
@weretheones I couldnt done it without u, like always! Ily <3
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Daryl was in pain and he knew it.
He tried to ignore the pang running through the wound for several days but the burning sensation wouldn't cave in and the medical herbs were not being really helpful.
Deep down he knew he needed help but somehow the idea of coming back to Alexandria stung more than the freshly cut on his face.
The river flowed quiet and calm, leaving barely any trace of the storm that crashed hard the day before. With one knee on the ground, Daryl watched the water following the trail while contemplating his options.
It’s been so long since he visited Alexandria.
When he decided to follow the river in hopes to find Rick’s body he never thought it would take so long, until days, weeks and months passed by. But he couldn't stop, the promise he made to Michonne drove his body incessantly.
He would never admit it, but there were moments when a small part of his heart hoped the reason why he couldn't find a trace was because his brother was alive.
After many years, that hope slowly started to fade away. Every day became harsher, colder, more dangerous. Sometimes he just survived for instinct, not because he really wanted to.
Days like this were tougher, he could deal with some injury across his face but he wasn't sure how devastating it would be for him to come back home and face everything he left behind to pursue something he wasn't successfully accomplishing.
He never let his mind ramble too much about what was going on back in Alexandria, he knew if he thought about it too much he wouldn't be able to resist dropping everything to go home, to Michonne, to Judith and RJ, to you.
The first years you visited him constantly, bringing food, blankets, fresh clothes or even weapons, anything that could help him out in the woods, trying to be close to him.
Still, that meant you were exposing yourself to the dangers of the path along the river.
He knew you were capable of handling yourself out in the open but Daryl couldn't bear the thought of you being in danger trying to find him. This was his task and no one should suffer with him the consequences of his decision, especially you.
“It’s been years, Daryl, you need to take at least a break, come back home, we can think of a new strategy, maybe this time I could come with you and…”
“Just stop” Daryl spoke in a growl without letting you finish. —“Ya shouldn't be here”.
You sighed, you knew you were pushing some dangerous buttons but after so many times of the same conversation over and over, you needed to make sure he heard you.
“I understand Daryl, I really do, but we need you too, I need you.” you begged.
Daryl’s gaze was glued to the ground, paralyzed with the fear of catching your eyes, he knew if he looked at you nothing would stop him from finally hearing your pleas.
“I talked to Michonne, you know? and she isn't expecting you to fulfill the promise, she just wants you back home, we all do” you continued.
Usually, you could read him like a book but right now, you couldn't point out what was going through his mind.
“I… I… dont think Rick would’ve wanted to see you like this either, Daryl”.
Daryl’s head snapped towards you. His face carried a trace of anger and sadness.
“I’m never gonna stop looking” he finally said, his tone of voice lower than usual — “This stops now, I never asked ya to be here”
The feeling of a thousand needles pinching through your body washed you over. You blinked twice, as fast as you could, trying to swipe away the tears that were forming in the corners of your eyes.
It took two long deep breaths for you to finally be able to speak.
“What does that mean Daryl?” you said almost in a whisper, afraid of an answer you already knew.
Hell, you knew it from the moment that bridge exploded, your legs ran towards Daryl so fast to the sound of the dynamite invading the forest, by the time you got there the flames started to fade away, giving space to dark a fume that took over the sky.
Your eyes searched everywhere for Daryl until you spotted him a few miles away, crossbow in hand. You yelled his name, twice, and when he finally turned to you, you knew, you could see it in his eyes, devastation consuming his body. Nothing would ever be the same from that moment but you loved him enough to fight and delay the inevitable for years, clinging to a hope that now was slipping right between your fingers.
Daryl took a step back, breaking your thoughts. He paced back and forward trying to gather the courage to speak.
“It means ya need to move on like I did” Daryl’s voice echoed in the silence of the quiet woods.
Daryl closed his eyes to the memory and sighed, that was the last time he saw you.
The way your face contorted with pain when he pronounced those words haunted his dreams almost every night. He knew he hurt you, and he regretted it everyday for the last couple of years.
Sometimes, he wondered if you could forgive him, maybe if he came back home and explained to you he never meant that, you’d take him into your arms like all those nights in the tiny basement of your house in Alexandria.
His skin was burning, but inside his veins felt loaded with ice, making him shiver.
That wasn't a good sign. The fever was rising fast, shit, there wasn't another option, he needed to go now before he was too weak to make the ride.
-
The guards of the guard tower recognized him immediately, the sound of the angry motor was something hard to ignore. “It's Daryl, let him in!” someone yelled from the inside.
Daryl drove through the gates giving them a thankful nod. Alexandria was different from the last time he was there, the community was thriving under Michonne’s leadership, they were not taking any new members for a long time now but still it felt bigger than usual.
“I thought I heard a bike” Aaron approached as soon as the doors closed behind him, extending his arms to give him a big hug.
“It’s been a while” Daryl squeezed his friend’s arm in response.
“It shouldn't be, this is your home too” Aaron gave him a sympathetic smile.
Home He might be back to the place he once called home but he knew the meaning of the term was gone the day he lost you.
“Jesus Daryl, that looks infected” Aaron broke the silence pointing to Daryl’s cut across his face.
“S’ not that bad” Daryl said as he shrugged.
Aaron’s expression changed as soon as he understood the reason behind his sudden visit, tension slowly invading his features.
“Daryl, I think we should talk before you go to the infirmary” Aaron’s tone of voice became serious. “Look, you probably don't know this but…”
“Daddy!” The sudden scream of a child interrupted the conversation. Both men followed the direction of the sound, finding a little girl walking towards them, pouting with fresh tears along her cheeks.
“What happened sweetheart, are you okay?” Aaron took the little girl in his arms, swiping away the tiny drops. “I’m sorry, let me take her home so we can talk” he frowned — “Don't move, I’ll be back in a minute”.
Daryl nodded watching his friend leave, confused by his words and sudden change of demeanor.
Once the residents spotted him he felt exposed. People greeted him with surprise, some of them came forward to ask him how he was doing while others just stared, clearly unaware of who he was.
Anxiety took the best of him, the chances of running into you were high the longer he stayed there, he thought it was for the best if he could sneak in, get his antibiotics and leave before you notice.
He owed you at least that.
The small white house came into his sight, pots full of flowers carefully placed following the road to the stairs. His heart raced when he recognized which kind they were: tulips, your favorite ones.
The curtains on the window were open, leaning on the corner outside the door he peeked inside in hopes to see Siddiq there, but what he saw made him freeze, feeling every inch of his skin electrified.
You were there.
Time didn't seem to pass by you cause he could’ve sworn you looked the same as the last time he saw you, except the pony tail you used to wear everyday was gone, and your hair looked shorter. He smiled recalling how many times you complained about being too long for the damn summer.
God, he missed you.
Daryl endured a lot of things down the river, but being away from you was the hardest one.
After your discussion in the woods, he made himself a promise. To make it through, he could never allow himself to think of you. Not because he didn't want to but because he was certain he wouldn't survive if he did it.
All the feelings he captured inside him all these years were coming out in waves, leaving him in a daze. He wanted to leave, this wasn't what he was planning on, but Daryl felt hypnotized. He drank you in, memorizing for one last time every corner of your beautiful face.
Siddiq’s frame appeared next to yours, whispering something in your ear that made you chuckle. The scene had a hint of intimacy hidden in the way you both looked at eachother.
And then, Siddiq’s hands took your waist, pulling you closer to him, until the distance between your bodies disappeared. He placed one kiss on your forehead followed by another one on your lips and you smiled at the action.
Oh
That's why Aaron wanted to talk to him first.
Daryl’s breathing hitched. No, no, no.
Siddiq looked different from the last time Daryl saw him, older, more mature and he could’ve sworn even taller.
He looked like the happiest man on earth. Daryl couldn't blame him, once he felt like that too.
He took your hand giving it one last kiss before waving goodbye, Daryl’s eyes were glued to the action, feeling a strange sense of relief once he left the room.
He didn't know how long he stood there in front of the door but he couldn't move, it felt like the strength from the earth was nailing him to the wooden deck, immobilizing his body. Everything hurt, if the fever didn't kill him this certainly would.
Immerse in his thoughts he missed the sound of your steps approaching the door, you opened it before he could make a move.
“Da.. Daryl?!” your eyes widened at him. — “What are you doing here?!”
The shock of having you suddenly so close left him flabbergasted, he remained silent feeling the lump on his throat getting bigger, words couldn't physically come out of his mouth.
Your eyes scanned him, you knew Daryl and the only reason he would come back was if he was dangerously injured.
His skin looked pale, and the bags under his eyes were starting to have a purple look but what really concerned you, was the swollen massive cut across his right eye.
You brought your hand towards his forehead, he was burning.
“Oh my god! Come in, come in." — " We need to take care of that, it’s already infected” you rushed him in as fast as you could.
Daryl nodded, still unable to talk.
Sitting on the stretcher Daryl watched your trained hands hurriedly clean up his wound, the smell of your sweet perfume captivated his nostrils every time you leaned over to apply some ointment. He hummed inwardly with delight, even as you were trying to be really careful to not hurt him further, he couldn't feel a thing, his mind was consumed in the sensation of your delicate touch.
“Here, you need to take one in the morning before eating, make sure to have something in your stomach, please” you softly said while giving him a bottle of pills.
“Ya sure don't need this?” guilt pang him, he was strong, two pills would do the trick, he didn't need more.
“Don't fight me, please?, I know what I’m doing” you scolded him tittling your head.
“Yeah, I know” Daryl’s voice came out almost in a whisper.
The tension in the air was palpable, filled with a thousand emotions. There was so much history between the two of you, even if you weren't together now, both of you knew you would always love and care for each other to the end.
Your heart was pounding so hard you were afraid you’d faint right there. You knew you would see Daryl again, sure, but not like this, not after Siddiq just left.
It took a long time before you could feel like yourself again, days and sleepless nights wondering for years why you weren't enough. Sometimes you would go outside the gates of Alexandria determined to search for him and talk, beg for him to take you back, to love you again. But his words rang loud in your head whenever you approached near the river “It means ya need to move on like I did”.
“M’ sorry” Daryl broke the cruel silence. “I didn't knew”
You closed your eyes, facing the window, unable to look at his face. It was crazy how deep down the feelings you had for him still burned like fire, hearing the sound of his voice made your heart race, attempting to jump out of your chest.
“Are ya happy?” Daryl continued, standing from the stretcher walking over to you. — “I need to know”.
You were happy indeed. Siddiq brought something different in you, a version you enjoyed. His love was calm, easy, steady, exactly what you needed after so much time alone feeling pity for yourself. A breath of fresh air for your drowning soul.
Sure, it wasn't the fervent passionate love you felt for Daryl, but it was enough to make you happy.
“I am” you simply answered. “And I hope you found the peace you were looking for”.
Daryl nodded, trying to keep himself together. He was truly glad you were happy but the sorrow he felt knowing he wasn't the reason behind overwhelmed him.
He couldn't blame you. You fought hard for many years to be close to him but the grief blinded him until it was too late. He told you to move on, so you did. It wasn't that hard to understand.
“Thank ya for the medicine and everythin’, angel.” he managed to answer.
Your head buzzed at those words, it took all of your strength to not run into his arms.
“Daryl, I…” you mumbled, hugging yourself afraid of falling apart into pieces.
Wishing he was a better man, Daryl walked towards the door crushed by the reality he was facing. He raised his eyes to yours for one last time.
“My heart will always belong to ya.” Daryl pronounced before crossing the frame of the front door, landing every word right inside your aching heart.
You watched him leave wondering if you were making a mistake, but fully aware that right now, there was nothing you could do.
