Alien Beef: A short story
Don't you get mad when you do something and another person ends up taking the credit? Has that happened to You? Well let me tell you about a time it happened to me.
You Know. When I was a kid I really liked flying kites. There was an annual competition near my house. It was a whole thing. Every year I participate. and every year I lose. Badly. But it was fun, and with the years I also got better and better. Got to fly the thing higher and higher.
Every year I had to buy a new spool and add it to my reel. Until it got massive. And I mean MASSIVE. And let me tell you, when you are piloting the thing and the wind changes. Oh Man you have to run all over the place, give cord. Take it back quickly. You have to do whatever it takes to keep the little thing flying.
The problem comes when the day ends and you end up with a bunch of cord all over the place. And it's not just yours. All the other kids are in the same cord hell trying to salvage most of it. Trying to prevent others from taking yours. It's a whole ordeal.
So you end up in your house, with a broken kite, a 4 pound ball of messed up cord and smelling like a wet dog. I think moms know that feeling.
Anyways, the next day was always put your-reel-back-together Day. I had to spend hours after hours trying to untangle the monster. Sometimes it took more than a couple weekends to finish. And I was poor. I couldn’t afford to just buy another 4 pounds of line! Until one day I was so fed up with the thing that I thought to myself: “Wait up, there has to be a better way to do this! Let me take a look.
I started making some sense of it, I noticed some loopies repeated, so if I classified them. And were to find a way to untangle a loopie of a certain kind, I would just have to repeat the process with the rest I find later! So I started. Ok this right here is loopy A, This is loopy B, loopy C. And so on. I was making progress. But after a while things got complex. There were just too many variables.
Meanwhile, my parents were like: -“what’s the kid doing?” - “I dunno, but he has like two hours looking at cord” - “Just call it, dinner is ready”.
I was frustrated at that point so I left it at that and came back the next day with a scissor. Never thought of it again.
So, you can imagine my surprise when 10 years later, during a slow day at the university, I was perusing exotic math books at the library. You know. Like all cool boys do. From time to time. No, I’m not a nerd, you are the nerd. Shut up.
You can imagine my surprise when I opened a book and lo and behold there it is! Loopy A and loopy B! The ones I used to (try to) untangle my reel!. It turns out I was making math! Like real, legit math! In my backyard! Alone! With a bunch of scraps!. I was so excited! I did a legit thing and I would finally get to know how to solve the complexity problem!
I continue reading. It turns out, when they reached the issue, they just said: fuck it, let’s just join the ends. The line is now a circle, like a rubber band. That made me mad. That made me mad, man. I mean that’s it? just, fuck it. We deal with circles now?
Well, guess what? Peter Guthrie Tait, You cheated! You cheated man. How am I supposed to use your chitty ass math to untangle my kite’s reel Hum? Am I supposed to wiggle my way through 4 pounds of line, reach the spool, like a fucking ant-man. Get there, grab the other end and take it to the surface. Just to tie the tips? Just to comply with your lazy ass model? That would just make things worse!
Oh man, that made me so mad! YOU cheat, YOU get all the credit. YOU get to be "the father of knot theory". And I’m still here with my mess! It’s not fair! It’s not fair man. Sure, you made it like 100 years ago, and your model plays a huge role in molecular biology. But that's beside the point. Hahaha. ;-)
My point is: we don't need academy, scientific method or peer review process to do what they do with it. And we need to acknowledge it!
Just look at the History Channel.
Yeah, The History Channel. They pull out the trick on all of Us. Let me tell you how:
You know those programs that start with history and end with bullshit? Ancient Mysteries or something?
They say things like “Stonehenge. Nobody knows how it was built, but the thing aligns with the movement of the stars. To have this knowledge, someone would have to spend aaall his life, night after night. Keeping records of the celestial mechanics, even without writing knowledge! WHO could have made it? WHO would spend their entire life this way? Instead of dancing, slapping cheeks or eating mammoth steak by the fireside with the rest of the tribe? WHO?"
I can tell you who would: Me! That sounds like a good time. Sleeping all day. Waking up when it is all nice and quiet. Just chill, making the night rounds, watching the stars, letting them tell me their stories. I even used to do something like that when I was a kid. While the rest of the family was down watching tv I used to climb to the roof and watch the stars. I even pestered my dad to give me a telescope. To the bewilderment of the whole family, while the other kids were asking Santa for a He-man or a GI-Joe. I asked for a telescope. Man I was happy up there, having some me time. Gazing at the moon.
An autistic lad like me could have made Stonehenge. Why not? We have what it takes. But the History Channel is like ¨NOOO! AALIEENS¨
“The pyramids of Giza: exactly proportionate to the circumference of the earth. Absolutely, perfectly aligned to Orion’s belt. Beyond the capabilities of the tools of the time. WHO could be so meticulous? WHO could be so anal about the measures of a building? WHO?"
Meanwhile, the OCD guy at the back of the room raising his hand like Uh! Uh! Uh! Me! Me! Me! That sounds like a cool weekend project!
But the TV guy is like “NOO! AALIEENS!”
“The Antikythera: An ancient computer. Made with just mechanical cogs. Without any previous knowledge of computer Science. WHO could have made such a thing? WHO?"
Well, I know a guy.
He did it.
It’s called Allan. fucking. Turing.! His cog computer shortened WW2 by two whole years. And guess what? He’s one of us! Yeah! Google it. Or just watch the movie. Is good.
But they are like “NOOO, IT MUST BE AALIEENS”
Not fair, man. It's not fair. It was Us. It was all Us. And we need to reclaim it!
And you people have beef with immigrants coming and taking your jobs?
Try OUR BEEF! THEM DAMN ALIENS TAKING CREDIT FOR ALL OUR DEEDS! AND ALL WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO COME HERE!
Aliens my ass.
;-)
And to all my neurotypical friends: if You ever see one of us like absent, deep in his own mind: Do not worry. Please let them cook.
Maybe They're the one who will finally find a way to untangle my reel!
