you dont get to know my insides anymore @not-hooman - Tumblr Blog

And I waterbed to tell you--because I don't think I ever did--that none of it was because of anything about you or anything you did. It was 100% me being some ducked up psycho, and I'm sorry for that. Some broken crap in my head just kept screaming "Push this too far. Ruin this friendship. You gotta." I'm sorry it happened at you, you didn't deserve any of that, and I hope desperately that it didn't add too much to your pain or struggle. I'm just so ducking sorry for all of it. That's all.

not

And I'm sorry for being a psycho on you. And I can't ever express how incredibly sorry I am for ducking things up between you and Sarah. I still regret it on an almost daily basis. I wish I could take back all the insane horrible crap I said, but all I can do is apologize. And doing it in an ask feels a damn cop out, but it's the only way I have to say it, and I don't mean any of it any less. I cried and bled alot about what I did, and I'm sorry. I hope someday you find true happiness; hang on.

you

I just wanted to say I was sorry again for the monster I was toward you. The small amount of time we talked and the horrible way I screwed up any small sort of friendship we kinda had. I really meant what I said about you being amazing young lady, and I'm glad to have known you for the short time I did. If it's any consolation (probably not--but maybe), that train wreck I caused even though I didn't want to--but it seemed like I just couldn't stop myself--showed me why I always ruin everything.

can

is he trying to get back into your life?

well if he is im stopping it in its tracks.

and before any of you shit stains ask why im still on here or why im posting my disgusting feelings again its because im not fully done getting all my content off my blog and i tried opening up to him so that i wouldnt post on here but it didnt work so im back to posting on here so i can fucking process my feelings before i try and like rip my skin off. because burning isnt enough anymore lol. and it helps to do this because oh hey by processing my emotions and thinking about them long enough to type out i realized that the dark part of me is exhibiting a pretty typical bipolar/borderline symptom of believing everyone does things to me because they have an ulterior motive. and i realized that what would help is explanations as to why things are the way they are or why they happened. but i also realized everytime ive asked him for the answer to why he said he was tired of explaning himself when i never really got ane xplanation in the first place. so yay for emotional processing that has led me nowhere. now im going to the gym. bye fuckers.

like i have black and white feelings. even if i feel them at the same time and its conflicting its black and white. i either hate you or i love you. or i hate love you or love hate you and that gets conflicting and is 99% of the time where i usually end up getting put into situations where i am hurt. i just want to be normal. i just want to have people in the grey area. where i can have all of these feelings for them but it not tug me in one direction or another. where i can just look at them as a whole person not positive or negative. there can be a level where everything is not so extreme. i just want to be able to do that. i feel like if i can do that i can stop being so hurt or vulnerable to being hurt.

the dark part of me feels like the only reason he is talking to me is so he can get the satisfaction of knowing he can treat me like shit but still be able to have me in some way or another. and hes just manipulating me into opening up to him so that he can reassure himself that he still might have control or some power over me while he gets to live his life. because knowing you have that has to feel good right lol?. even if its not fully intentional there is still that hidden motive. and then the light part of me says no. thats not true. hes just going through the same struggles i go through and sometimes that unintentionally ends up hurting someone or manipulating someone etc etc. but then i remember what he is capable of doing to me, what he did do to me, without even blinking an eye. and the dark part of me is justified in my thoughts and feelings because only that kind of person would do something like that and not feel a thing. because who does that? who fucking does that to someone? i need to know. i need to understand. who does that to someone and what is it about me that makes me the person to do that to. and it doesnt help that he goes to say something that could potentially help me understand all of this and then not say it. for whatever reason. it just makes me feel like his intention is to really be him checking to see if im still vulnerable. that must be a good feeling. to have that power over someone.

Aren't you supposed to be deleting your blog?

ye.... but do you know how fucking long it takes to sort through all of your favorite likes and write them down in a little book because they perfectly describe how you feel and once you delete your blog youll be unable to reference them anymore??? no?? it takes fucking 5 ever ok.

You may be "hotter" than his new girl, but he probably loves her more than he did you.

yeh probably he had a habit of always being able to give every other girl but me the only things i wanted from him

but hey thanks

saying you care is a big fucking slap in the face like. no you dont? and if you do, still, its nice how you only care when its convenient for you? but you didn’t care about me when you needed to like idk when you used me, or when you played me, or when you were entertaining and seeing other girls then had the audacity to ask me to come see you, fuck me, and then treat me like shit the whole time. oh and then lie about it all. yeah you really cared then.

like shut the fuck up. no you dont care. and im not that stupid girl i used to be who believes you anymore. im never putting myself in a position that will let you even come close to fucking me over ever again.

softwaring

birbs

i think im leaving. mostly because this website makes me feel extremely lonely. but for fetish purposes you can follow me on my new blog. rawfemdom.tumblr.com

on the bright side my friend said im hotter than his new girlfriend. lol.