big boned hottie

Hello yes this is my Cartman rp blog

[inboxideas]

On a murderous rampage my character has cornered yours. What does your character say in 10 words or less to try and save their skin?

[not-the-coon]

"Everything you've told me was a lie!" //Charlie// ((thanks for the follow!))

((yeah I figured I should follow you on here too lol))

Cartman scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Not everything,” he dismissed, continuing his previous task of rummaging through the kitchen pantry in an attempt to find some Cheesy Poofs. He sighed upon realising that they were out again and turned to face his daughter. “What are you on about now?” he asked, trying not to let his tone get too harsh.

[charlie-and-clementine]

"Yeah…" Charlie acknowledged Cartmans first words. It was true though, even if that’s not exactly what she had meant. At least she didn’t think that was what she meant. And it was comforting to know that they didn’t exactly hate each other. Even if it was funny to hear some of the stories of when they were kids and got into the stupidest things, she didn’t like thinking they despised each other all the time. She was snapped from her thoughts, green eyes blinking and zoned out expression becoming a fake pout. "I don’t think he’s full of shit. His moms really smart you know." Of course he would know. He went to school with her. "But okay. Sure." Charlie crossed her arms and couldn’t help but grin a little. Cartman was trying. She knew he was a good parent even if he screwed up now and then. Who didn’t?

[not-the-coon]

Cartman scoffed upon hearing her opinion on Wendy, and his comforting air went away as soon as it came. “His mom’s a hippie,” he muttered, looking in the fridge for something to eat. He knew the comment wasn’t going to help anything, but he had always been one to voice his opinion. It was probably one of the things that made him look like a shitty parent and probably a shitty person in general.

[charlie-and-clementine]

Charlie rolled her eyes and allowed herself a frustrated groan, sitting back in her chair and seemingly fully recovered from the hurt she had felt a few minutes ago. “Ok…” She reluctantly agreed, just wanting Cartman to dismiss it. She wasn’t going to argue with him on that; he wouldn’t change his opinion just because of her. “But, dad…” She swallowed her hesitation but let her expression falter. “Just please. Try not to fight anymore. I don’t want it to be like, where one if you is gone all the time.”

[not-the-coon]

He sighed, not entirely willing to agree with her plea. It wasn't like he and Kyle could cease any argument completely; that was far too much to ask, even if Charlie was his daughter. "I can try, but I don't think it'll work," he muttered, sitting down at the table next to her after finally finding something to absentmindedly snack on.

[not-the-coon]

✧

((OHMYGOSH THIS IS SO LATE IM SORRY I DIDNT SEE IT BEFORE I WENT TO BED ALSO NOT SURE WHICH VERSION IS THE REVERSE BC SHIT LIKE THAT CONFUSES ME SO I JUST DID THIS))

Nothing ever fucking happened in this shithole of a town. It was the same shit every single day with the same assholes he always hung around. Cartman decided to ditch them for a day and just walk out by himself, despite all of Kyle’s remarks that he was just going to sit on the sofa and stuff his face with cheesy poofs. He was kicking a rock along the sidewalk when he briefly looked up for a second, doing a double take. “Holy shit,” he muttered, his jaw dropping as he stared across the street. “Is that Patty fucking Nelson?”

pattypnelson

[yang199821]

Patty was signing autographs and taking pictures. “I got to go okay?” She said to them as she tried to run out of the crowd and to her hotel “Yes, come to my concert!” She ran across the street just before the traffic separated her from them. She was breathing heavily as she rushed forward not seeing where she was going and crashed into Cartman. “Ooooo!” She yelled as she clinged to him to prevent injury to herself.

[not-the-coon]

Cartman's eyes widened as he realised who had just bumped into him. He helped her to her feet, his mouth still hanging open as he stared at her. "I... fuck... sorry..." he muttered under his breath, internally cursing himself for stuttering over his words like that. If there was anyone he wanted to appear cool in front of, it was Patty Nelson, and he had fucked that up tremendously.

[not-the-coon]

⁇

[text] i was taslking to bebe yestrday[text] amd seh was liek[text] kyle got a hot asss[text] agreed

[the-officialgay]

He nuzzled into his chest, smiling. “Sleep Eric..so I can tell you again in the morning..” He smiled and laughed, kissing his belly softly.

[not-the-coon]

Cartman nodded, glad to be given the chance to sleep away his dizziness. It didn’t take him long to drift into a deep sleep, surprisingly comfortable with Kyle laying on his chest.

[the-officialgay]

He woke up to Eric still sleeping and Kyle kissed him softly. “Eric..wake up..”

[not-the-coon]

Cartman groaned as he woke up groggily, Kyle still by his side. He almost attempted to pull the covers over his head when he realised that Kyle had just kissed him. This left him in a state of confusion, considering he didn't remember much from last night. "Kahl?" he muttered, sitting upright.

[its-butters-stotch-deactivated2]

✾ ((lmao i need to do our thread on my main too imma go do that))

((Have fun friend!!))

13. My muse stripping themselves down

Butters stood in the bathroom, taking off his shirt and humming happily. He walked over to the shower and turned it on, taking off his jeans and checking himself in the mirror, taking off his boxers. He couldn’t hear anything from the noise of the shower in the background.

[its-butters-stotch-deactivated2]

Butters pouted a little “Yeah but he came back… And Jesus was Jewish anyway” he mumbled quietly “It was all a mistake really.. A-Anyway Eric, this should be a good thing!” He exclaimed, standing up and grinning.

[not-the-coon]

Cartman rolled his eyes. He had been doing a lot of that today, but Butters’ way-too-optimistic attitude about splitting the school’s Christmas party into a Christmas and Hanukkah party annoyed him. “Well it’s not,” he said, pouting slightly. “It seems like something his fucking mom would do.”

[its-butters-stotch-deactivated2]

Butters sighed and fixed his towel around his waist again while Cartman talked “His mom probably is organising most of it” he mumbled, rubbing his fists together “Why is this so bad Eric?”

[not-the-coon]

Cartman shrugged, trying to find a valid reason to hate on the Hanukkah party without sounding like a total gaywad. He was unable to find such reason though, so he decided to come clean, no matter how stupid and sentimental he ended up sounding. "I dunno, it just seems like Christmas has been getting shittier and shittier and this is just the tip of the fucking ice berg," he muttered, starting to pace the room again.

[not-the-coon]

"Hey Cartman!" Kyle shouted out. "Duck!" He screamed as a basketball hit Cartman in the face. Kyle grinned. He knew that would happen, and it was funny.

Cartman didn’t even have time to process what was going on before the basketball hit him in the face, significantly numbing his nose. “What the fuck, Kahl?” he spat, aiming a kick at Kyle’s shins and missing by quite the distance. He touched a finger tentatively to his nose to check for damage. “It’s probably bleeding now you asshole!”

[jaycefuckingmoney-deactivated20]

Kyle let a chuckle leave him. “I’m going to answer this one point at a time. Let’s start with you not pegging me as gay. I’m gay. Completely, and totally. Wouldn’t even consider being with a girl. One hundred percent homosexual. Your gaydar is off.” He flicked his forehead gently. “Now, about Stan. I’ve never even considered him. He’s not gay, and he’s like my brother. That wouldn’t even be a possibility for me.” He explained. He thought carefully about how to answer the other part. “You. I have no idea how to explain that.” He laughed a little. “You’re just… you. You do what you want, and you’re up front with people. You get whatever you want, when you want it. You know how to manipulate people. You’re my type.” He shrugged, looking at the ceiling. “I like your body too, but I’m pretty sure you wanted me to explain it in a faggy way.” He laughed a little. “It has sort of always been you. At least for a while, that is. You’ve been the one I’ve wanted.” He explained, shifting slightly. He was embarrassed. His cheeks were flushed, and he wasn’t sure if what he just said explained anything, but he tried. He tried to explain that to him.

[not-the-coon]

Cartman had to force himself to sit quietly while he listened to Kyle explain the whole thing to him. He was somewhat relieved when he described Stan as his brother. The less confident side of himself was put at ease, knowing he didn't have Stan as competition. He was also fairly taken aback at how easily Kyle was able to explain why he liked him, and it was odd hearing things he had never even thought to like about himself. His cheeks reddened furiously when Kyle said he liked his body. He had always considered that to be the most awful part about himself, not that he'd ever say that aloud to anyone. He swallowed, trying to regain his usual cocky demeanour. "How long have you had this gay little crush?" he asked, sending a playful smirk in Kyle's direction.

[not-the-coon]

"Hey Cartman!" Kyle shouted out. "Duck!" He screamed as a basketball hit Cartman in the face. Kyle grinned. He knew that would happen, and it was funny.

Cartman didn’t even have time to process what was going on before the basketball hit him in the face, significantly numbing his nose. “What the fuck, Kahl?” he spat, aiming a kick at Kyle’s shins and missing by quite the distance. He touched a finger tentatively to his nose to check for damage. “It’s probably bleeding now you asshole!”

[jaycefuckingmoney-deactivated20]

He relaxed noticeably, and he was the one who ended up linking their hands together, comfortable. After one day of being together Kyle was already at Eric’s house, laying with him and holding hands. He couldn’t care less. Eric and he had never really done things as usual anyways, and that wouldn’t stop any time soon, he was sure.

[not-the-coon]

Cartman was relieved to notice Kyle relax significantly beside him and moved closer to him, burying his face in his red curls. He was glad he could be the one to comfort Kyle, especially after being a dick to him for oh so many years. Truth be told, he just didn’t want anyone to have any clue as to how he really felt. It probably wasn’t the best time for questions, but to hell with it. “Kyle… can I ask you something?”

[jaycefuckingmoney-deactivated20]

Kyle was curious as to why Eric was acting like this. He wasn’t used to it at all. It was a nice change. When Eric asked if he could ask Kyle a question it kind of took Kyle off guard, but he responded nonetheless after a moment. “Yeah. What is it?” He asked, voice somewhat calmer and more relaxed. This was nice. He never honestly thought he’d had a chance at ever being in this situation. He did though, and that made him happier. Just being near Eric made him happier.

[not-the-coon]

Cartman's heart started beating faster as he considered simply saying 'nevermind' and backing out of asking the question altogether. Eventually, he told himself to man the fuck up and stop being such a pussy. "Why me?" he asked quietly after a moment of silence. "I mean, I wouldn't have pegged you as gay in the first place, but even if you were, I figured Stan would've been your first choice..." he rambled on, internally swearing at himself for becoming so flustered so easily.

[its-butters-stotch-deactivated2]

✾ ((lmao i need to do our thread on my main too imma go do that))

((Have fun friend!!))

13. My muse stripping themselves down

Butters stood in the bathroom, taking off his shirt and humming happily. He walked over to the shower and turned it on, taking off his jeans and checking himself in the mirror, taking off his boxers. He couldn’t hear anything from the noise of the shower in the background.

[its-butters-stotch-deactivated2]

Butters pouted a little “Yeah but he came back… And Jesus was Jewish anyway” he mumbled quietly “It was all a mistake really.. A-Anyway Eric, this should be a good thing!” He exclaimed, standing up and grinning.

[not-the-coon]

Cartman rolled his eyes. He had been doing a lot of that today, but Butters' way-too-optimistic attitude about splitting the school's Christmas party into a Christmas and Hanukkah party annoyed him. "Well it's not," he said, pouting slightly. "It seems like something his fucking mom would do."

[not-the-coon]

⁇

[text] i was taslking to bebe yestrday[text] amd seh was liek[text] kyle got a hot asss[text] agreed

[the-officialgay]

He nuzzled into his chest, smiling. “Sleep Eric..so I can tell you again in the morning..” He smiled and laughed, kissing his belly softly.

[not-the-coon]

Cartman nodded, glad to be given the chance to sleep away his dizziness. It didn't take him long to drift into a deep sleep, surprisingly comfortable with Kyle laying on his chest.

[not-the-coon]

✧

((OHMYGOSH THIS IS SO LATE IM SORRY I DIDNT SEE IT BEFORE I WENT TO BED ALSO NOT SURE WHICH VERSION IS THE REVERSE BC SHIT LIKE THAT CONFUSES ME SO I JUST DID THIS))

Nothing ever fucking happened in this shithole of a town. It was the same shit every single day with the same assholes he always hung around. Cartman decided to ditch them for a day and just walk out by himself, despite all of Kyle's remarks that he was just going to sit on the sofa and stuff his face with cheesy poofs. He was kicking a rock along the sidewalk when he briefly looked up for a second, doing a double take. "Holy shit," he muttered, his jaw dropping as he stared across the street. "Is that Patty fucking Nelson?"

pattypnelson

[south-park-gifs]

[shakespeare-sucks-deactivated20]

ok ok tumblr hear me out:

whenever you reblog an ask game from someone, send them a question. that way even people with hardly any followers get to play and no one feels left out.

sound good?

[not-the-coon]

⁇

[text] i was taslking to bebe yestrday[text] amd seh was liek[text] kyle got a hot asss[text] agreed

[the-officialgay]

He giggled and smiled, blushing. “Do you love me Eric?” He asked softly, nuzzling closer to him.

[not-the-coon]

The question caught him off guard, and he was unable to think of a response right away. He was torn between not wanting to look like too much of a fag and not wanting Kyle to lose his current affectionate mood. He settled on a response that wouldn’t do either of those things. “I-I don’t know… Do you love me?”

[the-officialgay]

He nods and blushes. “Very much yes..” He kissed him again and smiled. “I have since Imagionationland..” He giggled.

[not-the-coon]

Cartman's face flushed red at the comment. "Damn, that was like... six or seven years ago?" he whispered, struggling to even figure that much out. Apparently his drunk brain wasn't too good at math either.

[its-butters-stotch-deactivated2]

✾ ((lmao i need to do our thread on my main too imma go do that))

((Have fun friend!!))

13. My muse stripping themselves down

Butters stood in the bathroom, taking off his shirt and humming happily. He walked over to the shower and turned it on, taking off his jeans and checking himself in the mirror, taking off his boxers. He couldn’t hear anything from the noise of the shower in the background.

[its-butters-stotch-deactivated2]

Butters nodded slightly “Kay… Can you pass me a towel then?” He asked shyly, leaning back against the wall and using both hands to cover himself again. “Cause I’m kinda cold and I dunno if it’s be okay to just casually walked around naked…”

[not-the-coon]

Cartman rolled his eyes. “No shit it’s not okay to just walk around naked, asshole,” he muttered, reaching behind him to grab a towel off the back of the door. He handed it to him, getting slightly impatient and tired of waiting to share his news.

[its-butters-stotch-deactivated2]

Butters whined softly and quickly wrapped it around his waist, sighing with relief and picking up his clothes. He walked back into his bedroom and sat on his bed “What do you want Eric?”

[not-the-coon]

Cartman followed Butters back into his bedroom and remained standing while Butters sat down. “Christmas is coming closer and closer, Butters, do you know what that means? It means Hanukkah is also coming. And from what I’ve heard around the school, our dear friend Kyle is trying to organise a Hanukkah celebration instead of a Christmas celebration for all the Jews in the school, complete with candles and dreidels and all the other shit,” he explained, pacing around the room. He didn’t know why this pissed him off so much; it just did. Christmas was supposed to be Christmas, and it couldn’t be with nearly a quarter of the grade missing for a different celebration.

[its-butters-stotch-deactivated2]

Butters smiled a little and nodded “That’s nice” he said, shifting awkwardly on his bed “I mean if they can’t celebrate Christmas then they should get their own little thin’ goin’” he said, nodding a little. When Butters realised this isn’t what Cartman wanted to hear he quickly thought up an excuse “Y’know Eric… If they’re off having their Hanukkah party then it means they won’t be disturbing people who celebrate Christmas.. So they won’t be around to annoy you” he said with a small nod.

[not-the-coon]

Cartman shot him a glare at his enthusiastic response to the dilemma. "No, it's not nice, even if we do manage to get rid of the Jews for an entire day. Because do you know what happens when Jews get together? Do you recall what happened last time Jews got together? They fucking killed Jesus, Butters," he said solemnly. In reality, less people at the traditional Christmas party just meant less people bringing in food, but he had to come up with an explanation to get Butters on his side.

[not-the-coon]

⁇

[text] i was taslking to bebe yestrday[text] amd seh was liek[text] kyle got a hot asss[text] agreed

[the-officialgay]

He giggled and smiled, blushing. “Do you love me Eric?” He asked softly, nuzzling closer to him.

[not-the-coon]

The question caught him off guard, and he was unable to think of a response right away. He was torn between not wanting to look like too much of a fag and not wanting Kyle to lose his current affectionate mood. He settled on a response that wouldn't do either of those things. "I-I don't know... Do you love me?"

[not-the-coon]

⁇

[text] i was taslking to bebe yestrday[text] amd seh was liek[text] kyle got a hot asss[text] agreed

[the-officialgay]

"I am serious Eric…" He smiled and brought him into the house and laid him in on the bed before jumping up and cuddling into his arms.

[not-the-coon]

Kyle’s sudden affectionate actions took him a little by surprise, but he enveloped him in his arms anyways, holding him close and tight. “I’m glad you are then,” he said, a drunken, devious grin dancing over his lips.

[the-officialgay]

He smiled and cuddled into him. “You’re so cuddly..” He smiled happily and kissed him softly.

[not-the-coon]

A pink blush rose to his cheeks, but whether that was from embarrassment or the fact that the alcohol still had a great hold on his system, he wasn't sure. Cartman kissed him back hungrily, and admittedly somewhat sloppily. He wasn't the best kisser to begin with, and being drunk off his ass certainly didn't help.

[not-the-coon]

"Use me as you will."

Eric smirked and raised an eyebrow. “You sure about that? I can be pretty rough sometimes,” he growled, pinning her against the wall. Though he figured he should’ve, he didn’t pause to watch for her reaction, before kissing up her neck roughly.

[yang199821]

"I’m too tired." She yawns and cuddles up with him. "You’re too comfortable I don’t want to let go."

[not-the-coon]

A soft smile played over his lips as he raised an eyebrow and pulled her closer to him, happy with her response. "Fine by me," he said, feeling somewhat vulnerable over the fact that no one rarely ever got to see him act like a genuine sweetheart. He wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her neck, sighing contentedly.