Just living

I'm a 28 year old mother of one, wondering when I will feel like a grown up! Drifting through life, hoping something will make sense one day

[notanotherblogohmy]

Wow

So I have now officially finished uni. I had my last exam 2.5 weeks ago, although it already feels like an age ago! I don't know how I feel about it. Mostly very glad if I'm honest. Next stage then, jobhunting! Yay...not. When I last really applied for a proper job, I was 21 I think. Yes, 21. So 7 years ago. And boy, haven't things changed! Back then you used to bang out a one size fits all cover letter, just saying I want to apply for this job, here's my cv. That was that. And I was quite successful with this method, I won't lie. Sure there were jobs I applied for that I never heard back from, but on the whole I got at least a thanks but no thanks. These days, it's a whole other kettle of fish. Application forms that take 2 hours to complete..what?! Seriously?! Tailoring your cover letter to answer all the job spec needs. And still you hear nothing. Rude. I have had 3 interviews so far. I have applied for maybe.....50 jobs?? Not even joking. I applied for 13 in the past week, and this has been a slow week. It's going to be tough. It's not that there's no jobs out there, there are plenty, it's just that I feel as though I have taken a step backwards by being out of employment for 4 years, even though I have been studying. Onwards and upwards though, I WILL get a job soon. I cannot wait to earn some money and be a real person again, being a student is like living on a different planet to everyone else! Different schedule, different priorities, different life. I want normality back now, fingers crossed it won't be long until I get it!!! 

I don't mean to sound so negative. I don't feel negative, not really. Just frustrated perhaps. Still, things can only get better as D:Ream so kindly told us  (genuinely thought Take That sung this song, no idea why!!)

http://youtu.be/Dl-ai9HuR60

[notanotherblogohmy]

I've got a secret...

And I'm not afraid to share it. Here at least, because it almost feels like it's too shameful to shout it out. After all this hard work and studying, I actually don't want a graduate job. I do not care anymore. I don't want to do any more studying, so I don't want a graduate scheme. I don't want any more training at all right now. And most shamefully of all, it's because I want to just settle down and have kids. Not the done thing these days, I know. I'm supposed to be a modern woman, one who is career driven. But I'm not.

I wanted to do a certain career before, only it turns out I don't want to do it enough to take on further debt and more studying. And I don't want to be a manager, which is what a lot of graduate jobs are. I don't want to move away because of my daughter's roots here either, so I am limited in what's available because the area I live in is semi-rural. I kind of wish I had never started uni, because now I feel like I'm only going to seem like a failure when I take a job I didn't even need a degree for, which I am 99% sure is what's going to happen. I sort of feel like "Who cares, it's up to me what I do" but I have so many people around me who are getting really good graduate jobs. I am happy for them, but it's only increasing my sense of failure. And I haven't even graduated yet.

I'm not old, but I'm not young either. I really do want to settle down, just get a job that pays the bills really. I've never been massively ambitious or driven, and I'm even less so now. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to begin. When I ever heard of people doing a degree and then getting a job you don't need one for I thought it was crazy, now it will be me. Demotivation personified

[notanotherblogohmy]

Time flies

I'm so close to finishing uni it's unreal. I am reading for my very last essay today. And I'm very glad it's my last one. Four years of education out of my life, four years of not being in the workforce and not earning money....well, I'm over it now. I can't wait to get out there, get some money and feel like a real person again. I total feel like my life is on hold, can't wait for it to be done. Not long now :) Literally cannot believe it's been 3 years since uni started. So much has happened and I feel so different, yet completely the same

[notanotherblogohmy]

Not another essay...

Last night I went out for a night out for the first time in forever. Well. Actually about 2 months. It was a nice night, but unfortunately there was something on my mind. A 2500 word, historical gender based ideology something. I have a deadline in 2 days and as is my modus operandi, id left my work til the last minute. So while merrily drinking away my baileys was a pleasant enough way to while away the hours, my eye was on the clock to ensure I wasn’t a bleary eyed horror the following day. My other eye was on the amount of alcohol consumed. Now, my days of getting ridiculously inebriated are over on the whole (let’s not worry about my 28th birthday there, whoever had a silly idea for 3 bottles of shots was not my friend the next day, that’s for certain). I generally stay on the merry side of intoxicated; hangovers are never much fun, but infinitely more bearable when you can lie in bed all day or stay on the sofa watching trashy TV. When they are accompanied by incessant chatter, demands, kids tv and motherly duties, like you know, actually making meals etc, they become something to avoid like the plague. Added to that the need to compose an at least vaguely sensible piece of work the next day meant that the night out ended by midnight. To be honest though, I actually quite look forward to going home while on nights out now. I get a bit tired. Oh how times change!! Being at uni I am surrounded by younguns who to me now seem insane. 6 nights out in a week? How are you not dead?! But I have been there and done that, bought the t shirt, had the regrets. I don’t really miss it, but I do miss the energy and high spirits…. I sound like I’m 82 not 28, I know. I chose a uni an hour away, and my daughter was just a little over two when I started. Single motherhood, with a lengthy commute and a shed load of deadlines has really taken it out of me. I’m not even going to lie, if I knew then what I know now I would definitely not have gone to uni! But not to worry. Point is, however, that I do feel a million miles away from who I was at 21. It’s scary how much you can change in so little time, comparatively speaking. But I digress. The point is, I had another essay to write today. My life feels like a never ending cycle of essays, for the past 4 years. I cannot wait to be done with them. And luckily for me, I have 2 due in this week (that bit isn’t lucky) but that is it then. No more essays for uni ever. I do still have the small matter of a dissertation though, and 3 exams, but those are irrelevant!!! For now at least. Focus on the positives, in under a week I’m essayed out :) happy, yet sad. I am however going to be glad to get my weekends back, I hate missing family time and fun stuff because of deadlines!

[notanotherblogohmy]

Today's musings

So today’s blog will be a little intro really and that’s probably all.

So I am 28. I actually find it hard to believe I am already this old. I sometimes worry that I will be 70 and still feel like I’m drifting. Because that is totally how my life feels right now. Drifter extraordinaire.

Sometimes I think back to when I was at school. 28 seemed so old then, and I totally thought I would have my life figured out by now. In fact, I guess in my naïve child like brain, I was sure that by 28 I would have a good job, be married, have a house and kids. Well. I have a kid anyway…

She is the most adorable little thing you ever saw. Well, she’s the most adorable thing I ever saw. No doubt our escapades will feature on here from time to time. Mostly good, but some bad. I know I’m not the only one who finds their child utterly irritating at times. But not many people like to admit that. I, however, will quite often admit to that particular feeling. Nobody in this world could possibly love and care for her in the way I do, but boy can she grind my gears.

As for my day to day life, I am a final year student at university studying a BA honours degree. I should actually be reading for one of my last ever essays, but I am on the internet instead. That pretty much sums up my entire university experience, but I am nevertheless looking to graduate with a respectable 2:1. Should graduation ever roll around that is, it seems so near and yet so far. I think I will be done, work wise, in around 2 months time Exhilarating, but terrifying

Which leads me to another point related to my drifter nature…I still have no clue what I want to do when I grow up. I had big plans, hence I went to university, but now I don’t want to go for that particular career, so my uni degree is feeling wasted and I am altogether demotivated. However, I am hoping (please please please) that something will turn up. I have couple of ideas, none of which seem likely right now, but I live in hope (and anxiety haha)

I also have a very lovely boyfriend of a little over a year and a borderline evil cat. And I think that that pretty much sums me up!