when you are taking a pregnancy test at age seventeen in the bathroom of a commercially owned building , the same building where you lost your virginity a year and some odd months ago .
because my period is late ,
my boyfriend is crying and scared and rethinking everything .
i am too , but for a different reason that i don’t realize quite yet .
i wish i could go back , to those three minutes of the unknown test results ;
the moments of waiting , where the possibilities of my life from that day on were endless .
the minutes where i knew that no matter what , my life was about to change .
it’s a strange feeling , when you are crying
because there is one line on the test
and you know that you should feel happy and relieved and calm and at peace ,
but instead you feel the complete opposite .
when i was little , grown ups would always as me what i wanted to be when i grew up ,
and i would always say “a mom , just like my own .”
when i was little , i never thought that i would actually move to california
or that i would grow up to resent my mother
or that i would be counting down the days until i move out .
i never thought that i would fall in love
i never thought that i would take a pregnancy test at age seventeen and be sad that i’m not actually pregnant .
it never even felt real .
i think that i knew all along that it was all in my head , and a late period is just a late period .
god would never really trust me that much .
that the man in the sky would let my thoughts wander so much
and completely crush my “what if’s” with a single line on a plastic stick from CVS .
i know i didn’t have a miscarriage or something traumatic or terrible of that nature ,
but i still feel like i lost something i never even had .
i know that having a baby right now would completely change my life , and not entirely for the better .
and i know that i wouldn’t have been the best mom in the world
but i would have tried so damn hard
and i would have loved so much .
i think i really just wanted to feel like my life and my body is worth more than just myself .
like my purpose is greater than just the skin that carries my bones and blood
like my life is more than just waiting for the weekend and the days when i don’t have to wake up early in the morning , but sad when those days are finally over .
when i got my period the next morning ,
i felt like i couldn’t breathe
like somehow everything was moving in it’s regular motion around me and i was just two seconds behind everyone else .
when you can’t tell your friends why you were crying
because you can barely explain it to yourself in your own head ,
but you feel like you grew up so much in just one day and no one was there to witness it .
my boyfriend is trying to understand ,
and he’s doing and amazing job at it .
but he is also relieved because he didn’t have to lose anything ,
but i feel like i lost everything , including myself and my sense of who i am and what i will amount to and the purpose of what the hell i am actually supposed to do with this body of mine if it will never amount to and carry something more than just me :
the seventeen year old girl who is crying in her boyfriend’s car about how i’m not carrying a child inside my uterus .
and envying mothers i see on the streets because i feel like they take what they have for granted and damn , i could do a better job than they are .
and i look in my mirror and see this body that doesn’t really feel like mine anymore
and i wonder why god hates me .
i make a list in my head of my sins and i realize that i am the problem .
i hold a baby in my arms and i want to cry because i am not happy anymore .
i never expected to react this way .
i cried all day in his arms
and i realized that my life will never be the same .
he asked if i wanted to keep the test and i said no .
i spoke too soon so i fished it out of the trash can and took it home with me .
i feel like that tiny stick is a piece of a child that i will never have ,
but had the possibility to care for and to hold and to love
and that is the only thought that i feel at peace with
those three minutes of endless possibilities of my life ended so fast
when i remembered that i am just a seventeen year old girl
with a crazy brain that won’t stop questioning everything , including myself .
so i walk inside my house
with my negative pregnancy test in my bag .
i give my mom and hug and i go to bed .
and i think that nothing has changed .
but nothing will ever be the same , either .
dailybridgerton
stormborns
turnnoffyourmind
kaledo-art
annaxmalina
areudirty
izzy806
snowghoul
romaincrisis
