When recovering from trauma (or still living it from day to day) it is easy to forget that you matter. You are a person and you deserve to be loved, appreciated, and safe.
Survivors may have trouble adjusting to life after their abuse and often the abuse has left the survivor feeling less valuable than other people. This is common and in no way reflects that actual truth. Every survivor is strong by definition. With some time and work, we can all decide to accept our current selves. That doesn't mean we don't have ways in which we can grow as a person or that we don't need more coping skills to deal with everyday life, but what it does mean is that we all should value ourselves as we are. Overweight, underweight, scarred, scared, alone, surrounded by friends, facing the future or running from it. Wherever you are right now, you are important. You matter. You are beautiful.
Please, take care of yourself and accept yourself, flaws and all. That will help you later when you work on correcting those flaws through therapy or personal discovery. *hugs*. Stay strong.
As many of us are nearing the end of another semester at college, we are faced with ever-growing anxiety over grades, the future, and next semester or graduation.
I want to encourage each of you who are feeling this time crunch to take at least five - ten minutes every day to focus on yourself. If you can forget about school for that long each day, it will help lower your over-all stress levels.
Here are a few ideas for relaxing for short periods of time:
Listen to music that calms you.
Try to meditate or at least clear your mind and think of something that you find comforting.
Write a letter or journal entry.
Take a twenty minute nap.
Read a chapter or a scene from your favorite book.
If you have a pet then spend five minutes talking to it about your problems. It is amazing how this can help you release pent up stress.
Do an activity that you love, but haven't allowed yourself to do because of school.
Obviously, this is just a short list, but Google is your friend if you want to find more ways to relax throughout your days. Good luck with your classes and remember that your grades do not define you as a person and you are dealing with emotional trauma that can inhibit you giving 100% of your focus. Take care of yourself. You're a beautiful, special, courageous person and you deserve to be happy and healthy.
Recently I discovered that I really love hugging. I just like that I can express how much I care for someone in the form of a hug. Why is this a big deal? If you’ve been following me for awhile then you can probably figure it out, but I thought it might be a good idea to put it into words.
For me, I think one of the hardest things I face with being there for my best friend as she recovers from the abuse she endured as a child is feeling helpless. I see her struggle, I watch her go through bouts of anxiety and fear, I hear her tell me that she feels afraid or vulnerable or depressed,...
Perhaps one of the hardest things to do as a survivor is allow yourself to be vulnerable in any capacity. We have experienced true pain and never want to be put in that position again which is entirely natural. Our bodies and brains are literally hardwired to avoid situations that may be dangerous and if past traumas have made seemingly mundane tasks feel dangerous then our bodies will react accordingly.
Being vulnerable is often times seen as weakness or as "lowering a protective barrier" between yourself and the world, but in truth it is actually about lowering a barrier within yourself. It is giving yourself access to your deepest, most fragile thoughts and emotions. That is a very scary concept to face and adding to that the idea of sharing that fragility with someone outside of yourself...well, it leads many people to bottle up their emotions in an unhealthy way. Feeling that you cannot open up to supportive and positive people in your life is absolutely normal for a survivor. But feelings and reality rarely match up.
Opening up your heart and mind to someone like a best friend, family member, or therapist can seem impossible at first. No matter how badly you might want to the depressing or dark thoughts out of your head, sometimes the fear of vulnerability is stronger than the desire to be relieved of the internal nightmare. I wont tell you that everything will be suddenly easy if you open up to someone that you trust. In all likelihood they will need to process the information that you are sharing in their own way and if they are respectful of you and the trust that you have shared with them, then that processing might take some time and it always takes a unique form in everyone. It is, however, worth it. Being understood, having someone else know what you are facing in your head every hour of every day can be truly liberating.
No, it wont solve all of your problems and it wont make you "all better", but it is the first step on the road to recovery (or the four thousandth step...there is no set order when it comes to an individual survivors recovery. You may step forward and backward over and over, before finally getting the inspiration and strength you need to push forward several yards). It is a process and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing to be ashamed of in vulnerability.
Vulnerability is not a weakness, it is the very essence of bravery. Showing your core self and allowing yourself to feel that things that scare you, so that you can analyze them and work through them with someone else. That is truly amazing. Even if you don't feel like you can talk right now, keep trying. Try to get to know yourself and understand not just the outer layer of how the trauma has affected you, but how internally you have been changed or unchanged. Everyone is going to react differently and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel about something. There is only truth in vulnerability (even if it can feel contradictory and confusing at times) and that is always worth the challenge of facing your fears.
If you feel like opening up (to whatever degree, big or small) find someone you can trust and talk to them. You don't have to tell them what happened, you don't even have to tell them all of the things in your head. Not at first. But you can communicate that you need support and that with time you would like to open up about it. I have found that being vulnerable and letting the hurt and regret and shame out in words helps me to move through the trauma and I hope that it can help you as well. If you don't have anyone to talk to, there are plenty of resources available on our resource page.
Please, be kind to yourself and don't feel like you need to force yourself into doing anything. Remember that you are not at fault on recovery is not a race. Go at your own pace. <3
This week the subject of rape is being featured heavily on a national level due to the ignorance of Republican Todd Adkin. I know I've been remiss lately when it comes to this project, but I felt the need to speak up.
I want to reassure all the survivors of sexual assault that it was not their fault. The idea that there is and is not a "legitimate" scenario when it comes to sexual abuse is one of the most ridiculous ideas. If you are a survivor, please, know that no matter how you reacted during the event...Everyone deals with trauma differently and you did everything that you could in that moment. It was not your fault and your pain is valid. No matter what an ignorant, horrible excuse for a human, Todd Adkin, has to say about the subject.
I care about you all and even though my words here aren't very elegant, I hope that you understand that no one should blame you and victim shaming is wrong no matter who is doing it.
If you are not a survivor, but are friends of a survivor, please, give them a few words of support and encouragement. Seeing the media and the nation fighting over the subject and expressing a myriad of ideas - both educated and ignorant - can be traumatizing and can make a survivor feel re-victimized. Be there for them and listen if your friend or family members needs to talk.
Be kind to yourself. <3. If you need support, there are links to helpful sites on our resource page. Be safe.
I had been sexually abused by a family member. I have not dealt with my abuse. I have never had counseling and I only really talked about it 2x. To my mom when I decided to tell and to the police. Nothing happened to him, this was almost 50 yrs ago. One of my own children actually was also sexually abused by a family member NOT the same. I didn't know how to deal with it and messed up big time. Now my child will no longer have anything to do with me. wish I could go back in time and do it again
I am so sorry it has taken me this long to respond to you. <3. Real Life has kept me away from my blog. My deepest apologies.
First of all, I want to applaud you for not only reporting your abuser, but for being there for your child, even if they do not appreciate your support. <3. It takes a lot of strength to be able to do what you have done and it is not your fault that someone chose to abuse your child. The abuser is the one who hurt your child, not you. And knowing that you are there for your child now may not change the past, but it is certainly a positive thing for your child. Knowing that they have your support no matter how they choose to go about recovering from their abuse.
Every survivor has their own way of coping. Perhaps, for your child, cutting off ties with the past (unfortunately, including you at this point) is their way of moving away from that painful place.
I know that losing contact with someone you love very dearly can be hard, but if it is making your child a stronger survivor, then the best way to help them is to do what you are doing. Be supportive when they choose to make contact and don't force anything on them.
As for going back in time to change it...Every survivor wishes they could do this, as do the people who support them. Life makes this impossible and instead of focusing on what might have happened or how you might have dealt with it if given a second chance, I think the healthiest thing is to focus on the present and do what you can for both yourself and your child.
You've already taken a great step for yourself, you have chosen to ask for support and expressed how your own abuse and the abuse of your child has affected you. This is a wonderful first step and I would suggest contacting an anonymous support group online where you can talk with other family members who are going through exactly the same thing as you. I think they can help you to know that you aren't alone and that you can get past this. Given enough time and patience with yourself, you can work through your guilt and perhaps even the feelings attached to your own abuse. Personally, I have found that Pandys is one of the best forums for anonymous discussion with the best support out there for survivors of sexual assault and abuse.
You are a survivor and what happened to you and to your child is not your fault. <3. <3. Take care of yourself and take a look at the resource page to see if there is anything there that might be helpful to you. NAF does not replace therapy or support groups, but we are always here if you need to talk. <3.
Not At Fault has experienced a bit of a hiatus the last few weeks as I've deal with personal issues, but I wanted to reassure all our followers that we are not stopping the project. We still encourage both written and recorded submissions of support for survivors of sexual abuse.
Any word of kindness or positive message is welcome here and we look forward to hearing from you! Stay safe and remember that what happened to you was not your fault and you have control of your life now. <3. All the love and respect. <3.
I will be returning with more updates, resources and posts in the coming weeks.
Anxiety is very difficult when you have places you are forced to be where there are a lot of people, noises or movement outside your control. School, work, and stores are at the top of the lists of most common places that can trigger panic attacks and heightened anxiety.
There are several immediate coping skills that can be utilized in situations such as those. One is controlling your breathing. By physically changing your breathing pattern it will cause you to calm down by increasing your oxygen intake. Rapid, shallow, and improper breathing that takes place when you are anxious causes an increase in carbon dioxide levels which can leave you dizzy and shaking. Being able to employ better breathing will help to eradicate the side effects.
Here is a simple breathing exercise and link to more information:
Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose. Keep your shoulders relaxed. Your abdomen should expand, and your chest should rise very little.
Exhale slowly through your mouth. As you blow air out, purse your lips slightly, but keep your jaw relaxed. You may hear a soft “whooshing” sound as you exhale.
Repeat this breathing exercise for several minutes.
Another way to combat anxiety is to ground yourself in the moment. It helps when you are having flashbacks during social situations, begin to dissociate, or are feeling overwhelmed by stimuli. There are many different grounding techniques. One that I have found most helpful is texture (feeling something around me such as a seat arm or a shirt cuff and focusing on its texture) and another is focusing on colors or shapes that are around you. Drawing your focus into the moment and onto things not related to your anxiety can help to ease some of the stress.
Here is a simple grounding technique and links to several others:
Hold something in your hand that has a unique temperature (an ice cube if you are at home, a cold drink if you are out) and focus on how it feels.
As always, we have more information available on our Resource page. While I, personally, have found both of these methods useful, everyone is different and if they don't work for you keep trying different things until you find one that does.
hi :) so i've been in this rollercoaster of being nervous and shaky all the time and i get like anxiety attacks almost everyday in school. its really ruining my life to the point i just want to give up. like today for example, has been one of the worst .i dont really have a lot of people to confide in and i'm usually alone most of the time. its also really hard to talk about it with the people i'm closest cause i'm scared they would treat me differently.if you could, please help.xx
I am sorry you've been suffering from such intense anxiety. I completely understand how overwhelming it can feel and just how much of your life can be affected by it. While Not At Fault has no trained counselors to talk you through this I would like to give you a couple of links to try.
I know that sometimes calling a crisis line can be too scary, but there are other options. Such as online crisis chat lines where you can go and discus how you are feeling and how it is affecting you. The people are trained and certified to deal with these situations and as someone who has used these on more than one occasion, I can tell you it really does help.
Crisis Chat
RAINN Online Hotline
or you can e-mail: [email protected] (these people have been the most helpful in my experience. I have written them whenever I get too overwhelmed or too anxious. They are there to help and they are very understanding.)
There are also numbers and websites in our Resource section that will be able to help you.
I want you to know that you are not alone in this and we do care. I'm here and I understand what you are feeling. Please, see if any of these options can help you. <3. Feel free to write again if it will help. We are here to support you. <3.
One thing that many survivors deal with is anxiety and a particularly nasty part of it is the roller coaster our emotions force us to ride through. Even with therapy, anti-anxiety medication and healthy coping skills there are still some days where anxiety gets the better of you and there is no shame in that.
I have been personally dealing with this for the past week or so and wanted to come on here and reassure everyone who goes through this that it is not your fault, it doesn't make you defective or anything. It is a part of healing. When we work through our past or even our present issues then anxiety will naturally be "stirred up" inside and it might take a few weeks to find equilibrium.
In the mean time, don't blame yourself or put yourself down for this happening. You are a strong person and anxiety is nothing more than a natural reaction to what is happening in your life right now. You'll get through this and everything will calm down once more, even if it doesn't feel like that is possible right now. Give it time.
This is just a quick reminder that Not At Fault needs text and video encouragements. That is the entire reason for its existence and you are the voice. You are the person who can let someone know it wasn't their fault and that they can get through this whole.
Please, see our submission page if you are willing to send a positive message to others. Thank you. <3.
Many survivors of sexual abuse have a low view of themselves. Their self-image and self-esteem are strangled by doubts, regrets and guilt so that many survivors feel that they are less worthy than other people.
At some point most people who have been abused feel their self-esteem plummet and this is especially the case for people who grew up in an abusive environment or who were repeatedly victimized throughout their life by unrelated offenders.
I want to encourage everyone out there who feels shame or low self-worth. What happened isn't your fault and you should not have to carry this weight around with you. I understand how it feels and where those feelings come from and I can tell you wholeheartedly that you won't feel this way forever if you try to make positive changes in the way that you view both yourself and the abuse that took place.
While healing takes time and is different for everyone, there is always something that you can do to help yourself feel more comfortable about your past. Self-esteem and self-worth are tied directly, I feel, with how we view others.
Do we put them on a higher end of the success spectrum than ourselves? Or is everyone on equal footing in our view of the world? Are non-abuse victims "better" or "less damaged" than people who have survived abuse? These are questions that a lot of people ask themselves and that is okay. It is good to create commentary and to ask questions, but be careful not to jump to self-blaming conclusions when it comes to abuse.
Sometimes our low self-esteem manifests when we take better care of others than we do of ourselves because we feel that they deserve it and we don't. Another thing that some people do to cover up their low self-esteem is to project an image that they want the world to believe. Either through compulsive lying or by appearing happy all of the time to others even though on the inside they are depressed and sometimes even suicidal. Hiding or using a mask is something that makes us feel safer. We can't be judged by people if they cannot see the "true us" and eventually that coping mechanism can turn into a survivor lying to themselves about who they are and how they feel about what has happened to them.
Self confidence can only be truly gained by knowing yourself and accepting what you have found or changing yourself in a positive way if you find something about yourself that is unhealthy or that you do not want in your life. It can be difficult to change a self-image, but being willing to stop hiding from others and yourself is the best way to start.
Take stock of how you feel about things in the present and about past experiences. Talk about them out loud to yourself or write them down. Sometimes it helps to get these thoughts out of your head and give them a different perspective. It may not be easy, but I promise that it is worth it. You deserve to feel good about yourself and to know that you deserve love and understanding from other people.
If you want to pursue this and find support in others who will understand your struggle with self-confidence and self-worth, please, check out our resource page and hopefully there will be something helpful there. If you're not ready for that yet that is okay too. Just remember that it's not your fault you have these coping skills. They are there for a reason and even if they are unhealthy at the moment, you can change that and you are doing the best that you can. I respect you. <3.
There are millions of people suffering from eating disorders of some kind and rarely do they fit neatly into the categories that have been created. We react to emotions in our own individual ways and a lot of times eating can become a part of that coping mechanism.
Real life metaphors are everywhere when you are trying to cope with abuse or the possibility of further harm. Eating a lot can be a way of insulating yourself. Not eating can be a way of asking for help - it can feel like you are silently screaming for someone to notice that you are not alright. Throwing up after eating can be a way of expelling "bad feelings" from your body. It can be complicated and everyone is different.
The things that we do to cope are all signs of our mental health and where we are in our healing journey. Some people get stuck for years in a certain habit because they are unaware that it is related to their abuse or they simply do not know how to go about making a positive change. It can feel overwhelming and scary to even think about changing a coping skill, because you have come to rely on it so heavily.
The reason I am bringing up the topic of eating as coping mechanism is because it has such a large impact on your life in the long-term. I just want you to know that if you have an eating disorder or if you feel that sometimes the way that you eat is related to the way that you are feeling, perhaps it would be good to look at that more closely.
Write about it or talk about it to someone that you can trust. Sometimes getting the emotions and feelings out of ourselves and putting them in perspective can help us to realize that they are fueling actions we take. The way we present ourselves and treat ourselves in private are direct reflections of how we feel about ourselves and others.
If you have an eating disorder don't blame yourself. It does not make you a bad person - it is simply a way of helping you through a difficult time and you can learn healthy coping mechanisms once you become aware of this. Recognition of an unhealthy habit is the first step to a positive change. If you don't feel like you're reading to deal with it yet that is okay too. There is no "time table" for when you need to be "better". Take your own pace. There is no point in stressing, because you can only take small steps forward at a time. It's not a race.
If you are a friend or family member to a survivor who has an eating disorder, please, do not judge them. They are not completely in control of what they are doing. One of the unfortunate things about a coping mechanism is that they become habitual and are impossible to just ignore cold turkey. Be kind to them and understand that they need time and support.
There are some sites and links on our resource page if you would like to find further information or support groups in the area of eating disorders. <3. I wish you all the best and I understand what you're going through.
