[coldely-deactivated20210320]

[nothing-in-vain]

When I get that feeling of betrayal, I want to make that person feel what I feel

[nothing-in-vain]

I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going, I just know I am not where I belong. I'm finally am back on my feet. I feel good about myself, and I'm happy. But, part of me wants to go away. Reinvent myself. Just disappear until I figure my shit out. But I'm also afraid of failure, but you can't fail if you don't try, right? So there's that. I make decent money at the shop, and I'm learning a lot at the bar, and make alright money....but for what? It all comes back to what am I doing? Where am I going? Who am i?

Then I wonder about relationships. I work so much that I know I honestly can't invest time into one, and the one I do want to invest in, I feel it won't work. It's a mess. And yet, I keep believing maybe it will change. Why? Why do I do this to myself? I let my guard down, and then get hurt yet again. And then I become bitter at the world. At her. When it's me who I should be mad at. It isn't fair for her. Or me.

"Can't let her dance up on the top floor/Been there, done that what do you think it's locked for?!"

[nothing-in-vain]

So... I came across a post that mentioned an alleged sexual assault at the bar I work at, from someone I used to work with at a different bar. The post is upsetting for both obvious and not so obvious reasons. I'll start with the obvious.

No person should ever be the victim of a sexual assault. Never ever. It's despicable that a person could ever fathom doing such a thing.

The not so obvious: I'm skeptical. I've been accused of things I've never done, by someone who didn't like me, and have never received an apology even after I called this person out on it. But this isn't about me. What leaves a bad taste in my mouth about the accusation, is that this person had a tendency of being a drunken train wreck and a complete hot mess. I haven't seen them in a while, so I can't for certain say that's still the case. Regardless, it doesn't give anyone the right to sexually assault someone.

My concern, and I'm sad to say that this ever crosses my mind, but, how do we know that the alleged sexual even happened, and it wasn't a case of next day regret?

I wasn't there, so I don't know. I just know that people have a tendency to distort the truth. But if this did happen, why didn't this person contact authorities if management didn't do anything about it?

[nothing-in-vain]

I dig the fuck out of this song. Totally relatable

[nothing-in-vain]

I wish I could find this shirt in my size. I came across it on depop and now I'm hoping to own it

[simplewritings]

[nothing-in-vain]

Seriously

[nothing-in-vain]

Lots of shinfo for this one..

The other night I had a weird dream where I saw my old housemate, Britt.. She tried approaching me, but I flipped her off and kept walking.. It ruled.

I decided to start writing on here to get shit off my chest/out of my head. I haven't felt the need to since right after meeting that one chick. That sent my head for a spin.

Maybe I'll inspire some random person who reads this (maybe not). Or maybe this will all become therapeutic for me.

I keep trying to distance myself from a couple people, just because it's fucking with my head too much, and every time I do, they come right back. Fun stuff. I feel like a fucking girl writing about this. Oh well, at least I don't use names, so in a few years when I read back, I'll forget who I'm talking about. One can only hope.

[cherrybam-blog]

[hplyrikz]

I can relate to this

[hplyrikz]

Clear your mind here

[nothing-in-vain]

Maybe one day. Maybe never. Who knows

[nothing-in-vain]

I don't remember much of my dream last night. I know I didn't dream Saturday night, got way too drunk. I basically time traveled. Last night I think it was something about a frat guy shitting himself.

"To see fraternity members in your dream may be a metaphor that you need to be more open or friendly. "

"To see or come in contact with feces signifies aspects of yourself that are dirty and negative and which you believe to be undesirable and repulsive. You need to acknowledge and express these feelings, even though it may be shameful. Release the negativity in your life."

So don't be a dick and get rid of negative emotions. Got it.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

On an unrelated note, my fucking back is killing me. Idk what the fuck I did, but I woke up from a nap to a sore lower back, and it affected my boxing. I'm supposed to fight on Sunday.... Hopefully I'll be better.

[nothing-in-vain]

Alone

Abandoned

No one

These tears sting my eyes

Why?

Look what you caused

The damage has been done

I'm fine

I've always been fine

I swear I'm lying

Goodbye

Dead by sunrise

[nothing-in-vain]

My inner dialogue

My head and heart are always wrestling. What I say isn't always what I mean. I lie to myself to prevent from getting hurt. My heart wants one thing and I say I want the other.

I've been trying to figure out where to go in life. What am I doing? What's next? What do I want? Who do I want? Who am I?

I got drunk last night to silence my thoughts. To let out stress. I didn't feel anything, or so I thought.

I have to fully admit to myself that as much as I claim I don't want a relationship, I do if the person is right. I want to cuddle up and watch stupid movies. I want someone to pick on and harass. Someone to be by my side. Someone who makes me happy and will laugh at my jokes. Someone with a sense of adventure and who will take risks with me. Let me surprise them with stupid little things. Go on walks with me. Play fight with me. I don't think that's really asking all that much. Is it? Who knows. I'll keep my guard up.

I gotta figure my shit out before I can commit to anything. That's first and foremost.

Where am I going next? Do I stay here? Do I leave? I guess I'll have more answers in the next coming weeks once I'm done at the shop.

I'm scared and lost.

[nothing-in-vain]

Dreams

Wow. First off, it has been a minute since I've updated this... So cheers, I guess. We'll see what comes of this...

Secondly... You ever look into your dreams? I haven't been sleeping well, and I've had some crazy dreams. The best sleep I get is when I'm drunk. Weird.

Lately my dreams have been all over the place. Thunder and lightening. Post cards/greeting cards, getting shot at, guns to my head and getting car jacked. Fun shit. Not all of them make sense, message wise, some do. I should probably try to really dive deep into their meaning and see if I can make the necessary changes.

I'll update more, later. I think I'm going to use this to keep track of my dreams

[nothing-in-vain]

The ocean was pretty rough today in Pacifica..

[nothing-in-vain]

Lilly made herself a Kitty fort

[nothing-in-vain]

Tux likes to look out the window when the sun rises and the morning is beginning...