The Curse That Is You
I was called a control freak by my own father for wanting a better family.
My dad is a good man just ask his friends. But as for me, he was doing poorly as a provider. I can’t even remember the last time he gave me a school allowance. The last memory I had with him buying me the materials I need for school was when I was still in elementary school.
Most of my life he’s been working in the industry he’s really passionate and skilled about. Perhaps it makes you wonder now, if he’s been working all throughout my existence, why is he failing to provide my needs? That’s because he is selfish. When he bags a contract most of his take home money will just go to drinking and occasional gambling. Just tonight, while drinking with his workers he lost money from online cockfighting. I didn’t care much honestly because that’s his money and his money is just his own.
He is the biggest freeloader I’ve met in my life. I kid you not when I say that he never give a single fuck to pay our bills. There was a time when our small business was plummeting and I had to shoulder our bills using the money I saved from my scholarships and freelance jobs. If anything, it’s my mom that basically saved this family from the brink of collapsing. My mom took the job he left without hesitation. She knew that if she’s not gonna roll her sleeves and get the work done, we will starve and we will not have the things we have on our palms today. We survived because of my mom, the real hero in this story. But I guess you know who always take the credit.
When I say he’s a good man, that is attested by a friend of his. He spends most of his income on drinks, gambling, and girls back then. We have a small retail store but to him, that’s just an unlimited storage of booze and food for his gang. Last year I decided to put a portion of my savings in our store because I want to gain income while finishing my degree. At first he was consistent in paying for the drinks because he knew that I own that now. Until he stopped and said he’ll just pay for it tomorrow. I manifested my annoyance but I knew deep within that it’s meant to happen anyway. I looked passed that and thought perhaps that’s just the externalities I need to shoulder as a businessman.
It’s hard to accept that my father is nothing like to what my friends have. It saddens me that if he thought of his family first before others, we would be in a much desirable state. Those were the things I’m so regretful about him. But I learned to live through it. I learned to accept the person that he is. I learned to reconcile my expectations with what’s in front of me. I did all that because I love him and I only care for him. Not once I thought about shaming him for his shortcomings. Not once I pulled a stunt to make him feel small. I thought, I can’t change the way how he is thus I let him be the person he wants himself to be despite what I’m feeling.
This is why tonight, when he told me that I’m starting to control him and even my mom, I felt really disappointed, crushed. He spoke with vile in his words about me starting to takeover the house all because I have modest achievements. He made it seem as if I’m the real deal in this house. Clearly, he doesn’t know that I’ve been living a life I never wanted. He never had the slightest clue that I don’t deserve any of this. But what baffles me more is that he failed to see the way we’ve been keeping all these emotions to ourselves; how we basically let him do the things he want. All these things but I’m the selfish and controlling one.
I may not be the best child in the world but I can tell you that my dad has caused more stress to my mom than I ever did. I always tell my mom that we just have to live with this curse and proceed with our life. That’s what I’m gonna do again tomorrow when I wake up and the other days I will breathe. Although this time I will try to be more quiet and not speak my thoughts until I can start thinking and living the way I want my life to be.
