Recaps

[nothingnicetosaysitnexttome]

90 Day Fiance: Season 7, Episode 4

Ooooh chile. The biggest takeaways for me this episode were thank goodness for Anny/Robert and Anna/Mursel b/c the rest of y’all sleeping on your responsibility to entertain. Let’s start with the worst and get to the best and by best I mean (5 dumpster fires out of 5 dumpster fires)

MIKE and NATALIE

We start with Mike leaving his beloved ranch in RURAL Washington state to the best side character to emerge on this show-Beau. Seriously his 10 seconds on screen was the highlight of this reel. We then flash to Natalie and her two friends in Ukraine (umm...have I been saying it wrong for years by saying-the Ukraine?) who are imitating human women going shopping. No joke, this is some earth girls are easy shit but with a gender swap. When Natalie yelled “vote!” on the dress to her two friends I had to check if they were blinking. We then get some background on Natalie via ‘exposition friend’ who she knows from work. Okay, big request to 90 day, alongside their country can you please put their profession? Everyone always says “job” “work” I NEED to know what these people are paid to do. Thank you, TLC. Natalie used to be married to a man who owned a big business. He could spoil her and give her all she wants. I needed them to call in a shady editor over from the early Rupaul’s Drag Race series to pull up some footage of the ranch. Something tells me Natalie gon be bustin out

We also hear Natalie talk about how Mike had a weight issue and that was important to her because she is such an active person. Judging by the pictures they were showing before I think Mike’s in for some serious body-shaming. He arrives and says “look at my cute little girl” and I almost vommed. Then he described her in the bedroom for a solid 60 seconds going through the entire motions of acting out a tigress and I projectile vomited everywhere. No surface in this house was left untouched. He then says hi to her mom who adores him even though neither of them can speak a word to each other and I suspect it is because the mom knows this man is her daughter’s ticket out of this home and they head off to play tigress meets the... I can’t I can. not.

MICHAEL and JULIANA

Unless I blacked out which -let’s be real is possible-they were in this episode for a solid three minutes. The kids continue to bring on wisdom well beyond their years and Juliana thinks it is a smart idea to style her hair and the daughter’s hair the same. The princess Leigh do only makes her look even younger. The kid’s bi-o-log-i-cal mother shows up and iconically states: “some women may be intimidated by someone so young, so tall, so skinny, so gorgeous, so intelligent, so traveled but I don’t have time for that.” And I said let the preacher say amen! She then says to Juliana there will be no parenting for you which- if I was 20- I’d be like fine with me brah y’all have it. I take “not mothering” to mean I’m never gonna discipline these kids, pay for anything they gotta do, and when they wanna stay up all night cool step-not mom is gonna allow it.

BLAKE and JASMIN

So we are introduced to Blake and Jasmin. It was very hard to focus because this man had straight-up JT NYSYNC bleached to high heavens Ramen hair on top and a Michael B Jordan beard in black on the bottom. But he starts describing going on a dating app after getting divorced at a young age and I’m like this looks promising. They’re about the same age, they’re both attractive, she comes from Finland which people are not fleeing in droves (in fact girl can I get trade citizenship with you- don’t ask why- it rhymes with Rump) and then a couple red flags come in each with a full music stop. The first is that this grown man lives with his parents which seems to be this season’s theme. As soon as he said that I was like hold up- hold the phone. And this is not a Norman Bates situation like Colt-e and Larissa where he is living there because his mom is his everything. This is a-I’m poor as hell and this “music thing” is me “uploading tik toks on the regular thing.” So how is he paying for this visa? The second was that Jasmin’s sister won the green card lottery and lives ten mins from Blake’s house.This got me thinking back to the  dating app they met on like hold up-he said he didn’t realize she didn’t even live in America which means this feisty minx right here probably put up like a 10-mile radius around her sister’s house. Maaaan, don’t hate the playa hate the game. Annnyyywaaay the sister and Blake drive to the airport together and the sister seems like she is not quite present. She mentions being excited to get to know Blake followed by him asking her several questions and her with the lights on, but no one home. I was very curious if Jasmin was going to have the same energy and surprise! She does. When they get back to the hotel room he says they have some alone time what should they do and she responds “shower and sleep” SAVAGE.

TANIA and SYNGIN

Now Tania pulls a move here that is a classic 90-day fiance guaranteed fail. As someone who has been watching the series since day 1 you never spend the first few days in a place waaaay better than the nowherelseville you live in. So after taking him to NY to stay in a hotel they go to CT to her mom’s shed. That’s no shade to CT but you could take me to a shed in the south of France and I’d be like I’m out. She should’ve had them share a room in an elderly home for a few days and been like surprise! private shed! On top of that she told him it was ready and it ain’t. And on top on top of that she is bossing him around to get the work done as fast as possible exactly how she wants it. If I was Syngin, I would’ve gone straight: 

and been like if we living in a shed it’s Syngin’s shed, Syngin’s rules, and Syngin’s way of life. But instead, they have an explosive fight on day 4, which is always great when you have 90 days.

ROBERT and ANNY

Now this couple is taking me on the roller coaster I was promised. This is the enterTAINTment a bitch needs! One minute I’m team Robert, the next minute I’m team Anny (to be fair I am like 85% Team Robert but you get the point). So it starts off with them going off to meet Bryson’s grandparents. The mom is out of the picture but the grandparents are not and Anny is so upset about it. I am like why is she acting so weird about this and saying they need to leave the past in the past.

Then grandma shows up....

and grandma is fooooooooiiiiiiine as all hell. I was like ooohhhh got it Anny, got it. Also, is Bryson’s mom 12? Nana Stephanie proceeds to have a very rational- if not a little invasive -conversation with Anny who is not having her at all. She is at an 11 straight out the gate. And when Stephanie reveals herself to be a porn star (Diamond Foxxx-you’re welcome) Anny is all that’s disgusting she’s uneducated. And that is some bullshit. If Stephanie wants to be a porn star, by all means, do you. Robert then takes Anny to a restaurant when she really should be in bed with some Theraflu. In this hoarse voice, Anny pulls out a bunch of screenshots of Robert’s exes on his fbook. I'm on the fence on this one. For the most part, I think it's fine if you keep up pics from old relationships but I suppose I could see why it might bother someone. Then Robert reveals Bryson is not his only child. Oh no-the man has FIVE children by four different women. That was a full mic-drop moment for me. I was like hey umm DJ run that back. Did you say five? Four baby-mamas? And where are these children?  They have been portraying this man as this savior single father and did not let us know about the other kids until episode FOUR. Well done, TLC. You go for that Emmy.

ANNA and MURSEL

With this couple I simply cannot. I have zero idea what this man’s motivations are. He does not seem into Americans or American culture and he does not seem into Anna. Is he a hostage? Honestly, I do not know. They go on a bee-keeping adventure which for them is foreplay but the man is shading Anna’s bee-keeping abilities!

She is trying to use this whole experience to set off a night with some bubbly and Boyz II men playing and he is not getting it. at. all. because neither of them understands a word the other one says. She’s all-”does my bee-keeping make you horny baby?” and he's like “bees, yes.” They’re then on their way to what I think is her bridal shower and she is telling him to talk to her friends but she literally has to hand motion “talk.” He arrives and understands nothing and no one commenting on how in Turkey only men have bachelor parties. Oh my non-alcohol drinking friend you have yet to see a bachelorette party. All her friends are confused because these two can barely communicate like even on the most basic of levels. In terms of relationships via google translator, I would put them BELOW Paul and Karine and that's a low ass standard.

So that is this week’s episode of 90 day fiancee! RIP to Angela and Michael and Sasha and Emily because they were not shown for a single second. We keep you in our prayers.

[nothingnicetosaysitnexttome]

The Beautiful Wank of Shane Dawson

Thoughts going in...

I went into this with low expectations and let me tell you hooooneeeeeeeyyyy..... it still managed to disappoint. Now I have not watched the rest of the series because if I wanted to watch a 6-hour infomercial I would watch one of the greats i.e. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

BUT I did see that Shane got on his Instagram story to show us his pores and complain about not wanting to show any of the drama. So I am sittin up in my room Brandy style expecting a roundup of the drama channels to go IN on this motherf****er for his tomfoolery, poppycock, bamboozlement. But - except for our girl Petty Paige - they are all giving him a straight pass. Even though this man did- I reiterate a SIX HOUR infomercial that doesn’t even rate up there with the snuggie or the shamwow. And not only that he got people to watch this garbage (pronounced gahr-baj) by including dramageddon 2 in his damn trailer. Please see:

Merriam-Webster

Legal Definition of false advertising: the crime or tort of publishing, broadcasting, or otherwise publicly distributing an advertisement that contains an untrue, misleading, or deceptive representation or statement which was made knowingly or recklessly and with the intent to promote the sale of property, goods, or services to the public

And because I stay mad in case of emergencies such as these I thought I’d get outraged on behalf of those who were having none of this. 

So Shane drops “The Beautiful World of Shane Dawson”

Recap

When I saw this was an hour and 20 minutes -which for reference is 4 minutes longer than The Nightmare Before Christmas- I was shook. A shookness that I wish would’ve lasted longer because boy was nothing else in it worthy of a gasp, not even an “oh my.” If my mouth moved at all it was only to yawn or to mouth “are you kidding me?” to myself. So we open up on a series of clips of our favs-bitch lux, dustin diamond, Karina Kaboom talking about Shane indecisiveness on posting the tea. All of them spoke for about 30 seconds and moved on in real life but Shane makes it seem like this is the impeachment inquiry with round the clock breaking CNN coverage. I mean his depiction is  what I thought was actually going to happen but this man--->

can do no damn wrong. No. Damn. Wrong. So all these clips play (he conveniently excludes accusations that this is all a cash grab) and it seems like he literally averages out all of their complaints and lands on that they want to see the “behind the scenes” “reactions” to the Tati v. James scandal. Ummmm...Sooo...that’s him on his couch with his hoodie over his face saying “wow” “this is like crazy.” The end. I do not think what anyone meant when they said they wanted to see BTS of dramageddon was his literal 15-second reaction to the Tati youtube video. He makes one reference to cancel culture -for an actually insightful view on this see Luke Alexander: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=El466kswqy8) So yeah that was ALL the tea folks and bitch I am PARCHED. 

He then shows that during the instagram live one person posted-”what we want to see is launch day!” So that is what he does which is exactly how Michael Moore and Errol Louis and other great documentarians determined what they were going to show in their films. It is a known practice in the art of documentary filmmaking that you go on camera and say you’re stressed and then pick a random instagram comment to make the finale of your series so like that I totally get. 

But the episode y’all, I had my notepad out and everything and I can basically summarize it in one word: circlejerk. This man straight up just complimented himself for over an hour with the most dramatic music playing over it, portraying himself and everyone involved in the most flattering light. The entire thing is a countdown to the launch sponsored by the phrase “OMG” which comprised roughly half the dialogue of the episode. He did make sure to throw shopify and all of the other tech people involved in the crash of his sites under the bus and distance himself and Jeffree as far away from that problem as possible. 

But the biggest crime of this episode was not that it was so complimentary and Shane must reek from licking his own taint over and over but that it was boring as all hell. At one point he literally used STOCK FOOTAGE of people at their computers in a moment where he talks about what the experience will be like of people ordering online. And then I kid you not that is it for the entire rest of the series. Just him and Jeffree and their entourage congratulating each other while it flashes back to other moments in their infomercial. 

So I scroll down to the comments expecting to be validated by other hateful youtube commentators like I always am when I am mad as hell and no! They’re all congratulating Shane on this amazing moment and achievement. SKKKIIIIIRT bitch excuse me? This man barely knows a thing about make-up. It has never been his dream to work in make-up. He never worked at MAC as a sassy MUA dreaming of one day dropping a palette. What exactly did he accomplish? Why do I want this for him when he didn’t even know he wanted it for his damn self? So in the summary-this episode was awful and if I don’t see a bunch of tea channels and commentators calling his ass out I will know they’re on the payroll and then I’ll do my own docu-series on that. Now I thought that’s what Shane was going to be doing but clearly, there’s room for a series that actually exposes the booty community.