Not Meant for Me

Ever had email not meant for you end up in your inbox by mistake? For me, it's frankly starting to get ridiculous.

[notmeantforme-blog]

Executive Man

Today we take a break from being a math teacher! SOMEONEELSE makes a mistake (at least, I can only assume it's a mistake, but let's behonest here, who really knows at this point. I can't really rule out that one person is just a REALLY GOOD TROLLER. I play Eve Online after all), although Exec Man here is apparently looking around at his employment options.

I got signed up for a while for the very exclusive Executives on the Web, which, as far as I can tell, is white collar job listings. MOSTLY this got me jealous at the salaries these jobs are offering, BUT LET'S SEE WHAT HE'S LOOKING AT SHALL WE??

Business Development Consultant

Business Development Consultant- USA consultancy firm - 5 Positions Available - London  - Geneva  - Dubai  - Singapore  - New York - $235,000.00 USD + 50% performance-related bonus.

Salary: $235,000.00 USD + 50% bonus     Location: London - Geneva - Dubai - Singapore - New York    

Ok, ok, predictable if a bit generic. I imagine this involves a lot of synergizing brand potentials and looking at how to recoup lost investment capital and other buzzwords I don't really understand. But maybe travel!

Plant Manager, Confectionery - USA

Our client is a well established, privately owned manufacturer of “Healthy Eating” confectionery aimed at the children’s market. Having opened new sales offices in countries around the world during the last 5 years,...

Salary: c.$100k + bonus + benefits     Location: South Carolina - USA    

OK THIS I CAN GET BEHIND. I DON'T REALLY SEE HOW THIS CONNECTS TO THE FORMER BUT IT SOUNDS DELICIOUS.

Chief Geologist

Job Title: Chief Geologist · Location: Canada · Salary: USD$190,000- USD $250K · My client is the fastest-growing, lowest-cost senior gold producer, with operations and development projects in politically stable jurisdictions throughout the Americas.

 Salary: US$190000 - US$250000 per annum + Benefits     Location: Canada

…Wait, what? Did Exec Man just put random words for what job he was looking for? "I'm looking for… business…. and CANDY… and… Rocks? Is that a thing? WHY NOT I'LL PUT IT ANYWAY. IT'LL MEAN I CAN THROW THINGS AT PEOPLE."

Mining Manager

Provide technical/operational input into project engineering plans to ensure that the operational scope is met · * Develop and implement the strategies and operating plans for the plant,...

Salary: £160,000 - £180,000 per annum + PENSION, HEALTH, 20% BONUS, NEGOTIABLE     Location: Canada   

MORE ROCKS. What life path is Exec Man going down? Why is he ranging from South Carolina to Canada? Does he get along with Clueless Kid? Did Clueless Kid put down my email address instead of his own? WHAT IS GOING ON.

Rail and Port Operations Manager

Provide input and technical/operational into project engineering plans to ensure that operational scope is met · * Provide technical/operational oversight on rail and port construction matters ·...

Salary: US$160000 - US$180000 per annum + car, pension, health, 30 days holiday     Location: Canada

I mean, I do like trains...

[notmeantforme-blog]

Clueless Kid 4: [CLUELESSNESS INTENSIFIES]

I told you, ya know like 3 years ago, that Clueless Kidshows up a lot. AND HE DOES. He continues to have a pretty impressive cluelessnessabout him as well. Actually, this one is a bit impressive in that it shows at least a MODICUM of foresight on his part. It's tiny, but it is there. If I were actually his teacher, I would be mildly less annoyed with him. As a completely unrelated observer who just happens to get emails from him a lot, I'm still getting pretty annoyed with him though.

So about 2 weeks after Clueless Kid not knowing what "home works" he had to do, he comes back with another email. Let's take this a bit at a time, shall we?

HI Mark,

I appreciate the enthusiasm with that "hi". I can already tell this is going to be good.

I am so sorry for the inconvenience but, I am asking for an extension for my math project for a few reasons.

At least he's apologizing now! And, even more importantly, HE'S ASKING ON A SATURDAY. The assignment is due on Monday but he didn't wait until the last minute to ask. THIS IS A GOOD THING. AT LEAST I WOULD THINK SO AS A TEACHER. EVEN IF HE'S STILL LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE. Look, I try to find the silver lining everywhere, ok? (Also this  Anyway, let's take a look at these reasons:

When we were working on the project in class, I was stuck on one problem and now that I passed that, I am stuck on step 6, 7, and 8, also my printer nor the program I use to write my documents on are not working.

ALSO THE DOG ATE MY KEYBOARD. AND MY EARS HURT. WHY AM I YELLING.

Anyway, let's, for the moment, ignore the fact that for some reason math problems need to be typed out on a computer program (insert a standard "BACK IN MY DAY…" story here to make sure it's clear how much of a grandpa I am). I'm pretty sure the first half of that sentence is just "I figured out the problem but also I'm still stuck on the problem." I would also love to know what steps these are, because, again, this seems super complicated for a math class but what do I know about fancy schmancy New York math.

If you accept my request I will be able to come after school on Monday and work on it.

Note the clever trick here of not saying he'll be done with the 'home works' (yes I'll keep making fun of that THANK YOU VERY MUCH) on Monday, only that he'll work on it. HE'S CLUELESS KID. HE WILL TURN IN THE HOME WORKS WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT.

Thanks and have a nice day.

Aww thanks, you too, Clueless Kid.  Enjoy your not working on home works.

You can tell I'm starting to get annoyed with him. Rather than just ignoring the email, which clearly didn't work last time, I send back a rather terse response:

[Clueless Kid],

Once again, I am *not* your teacher. I'd hate to see you get a bad grade because you think I am. Check your email addresses.

-Mark (but not your teacher)

It shouldn't surprise anyone at this point that he doesn't respond. And before you ask, yes, he'll be back.

[notmeantforme-blog]

SHENANIGANS RESUME

Ok, let's ignore the fact that I haven't posted in nigh on 3 years. I'll just pretend that I used it as an opportunity to build up my backlog for even MORE POSTING FUN. But let's pick up where we left off, shall we? When we last joined our hero (me), he was waving off Clueless Kid and his mother. Poor Clueless Kid. He was, as his name might imply, rather clueless.

About a month after Clueless Kid's Mom reached out, and perhaps just a week after coming back from winter break (despite all the emails I get regarding my email doppelganger, the school neglected to email me a calendar for that academic year, which is rather rude of them when you stop and think about it), I get an email from Clueless Kid:

Hey Mark, Its [Clueless Kid]. Hope you had a good break, I didn't get off to a good start to cycle two so I was wondering if you could tell me the home works that I am missing from cycle two. Thanks. Bye

My favorite part of this isn't the fact that he is begging me to tell him something he's responsible for. It isn't the poor grammar, or the fact that he calls me by my first name (maybe my doppelganger is one of those "cool teachers" I always hear so much about I DON'T KNOW). It's not even the fact that he talks about "the home works" (although that admittedly comes in at a close second).

No, my favorite part about this particular email is that it's a forwarded email. Forwarded from what, I believe, is doppelganger's actual email address. He emailed the right person and then still forwarded it to me.

Now, maybe Clueless Kid and I had just formed that much of an emotional attachment over these few emails we've exchanged. Or maybe he just found my scolding to be pleasant. Or maybe, I dunno, he just is actually Clueless. In any case, I didn't even bother responding to this one. We shall never know what cycle two is or if he ever finds out what the home works are from it. But Clueless Kid will live on in all of our hearts.

[notmeantforme-blog]

SHENANIGANS CONTINUE

Well, life is busy. But the emails Not Meant For Me continue to roll in! Mistaken identities take heed of no busy lives! But first I have to finish up my backlog. (and I wouldn't have started this tumblr if I didn't have QUITE the back log, let me tell you). Anyway, we left our mistaken identity tales of woe and hilarity in November of 2010. Things are starting to heat up though. Less than a month later, I get another email! And suddenly, we have INTERCONNECTIONS. Why, it's Clueless Kid's Mom reaching out to us! You might recall Clueless Kid from his eagerness in playing a game of some kind and shows his enthusiasm by messing up dates and asking late the night before.

Perhaps the most adorable thing about this is that it was sent from the same email address as Clueless Kid! I think it's ADORBS that there is some kind of family and communal email address (Mom, dad, please don't get any ideas STAY OUT OF MY EMAIL). I mean, this is the happening 2010s now, shouldn't kids be getting email addresses like in the womb by now? I don't know, kids are weird. Anyway, I digress. Let's look at the email.

I hope all is well. The reason for my letter is first to thank you for everything you do for [Clueless Kid]. It is no easy task being around a 13 year-old.

ESPECIALLY ONE YOU'VE NEVER ACTUALLY MEANT BECAUSE HE LIVES IN NEW YORK.

Second, I would like to express my fear with the way things are going with [Clueless Kid]'s school work. I need to find out what is your take on it and how we can all help him move on.

We're helping him move on? Is- isn't that like what you do after a loss of some kind? Are we mourning the loss of his lack of math knowledge? I don't know.

I sent a letter to [Irresponsible Teacher] last week and feel very discouraged that no answer has been forthcoming. I know that she expects [Clueless Kid] to finish his project, but we are not sure how.

As a fake teacher by profession, I'm judging Irresponsible Teacher for not responding to emails on a project I know absolutely nothing about. But fear not, Clueless Kid's Mom, Fake Teacher Mark is on the case! And also, I'm judging Irresponsible Teacher for apparently not laying out project expectations. IT'S CALLED A SYLLABUS.

I feel that communication between parents and teachers is key for a student's progress, therefore I am asking that you please respond as soon as possible.

Awww, look at you being all responsible! I'm tempted to name her Responsible Mom, but here I've been calling her Clueless Kid's Mom this entire time and that could be incredibly confusing at this late juncture. But caring about a child's progress: PRETTY GREAT?

Anyway, I as usual sent my reply to Clueless Kid's Mom explaining the situation. She quickly responded:

thank you so much for your reply. What a coincidence my son's teacher has the same name as yours.

Lady, you have no idea.

[notmeantforme-blog]

NMFMbots... roll out!

I'm doing some doc review right now, so it's all about reading emails businesses send back and forth to each other. And, you know, now I'm writing a Tumblr about emails that I read from people not meant for me. I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS WHAT THEY MEAN BY LIFE IMITATING ART. THIS. THIS EXACT EXAMPLE. And yes, I did just call this tumblr "art" and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

Anyway, today's email comes about 6 months after Clueless Kid shows up. We're well into the next school year, and it's time for another project question (no seriously who assigns projects in math class who does this ridiculous Teacher Mark think he is). This time, with Intrigue!

Hey Mark, Im trying to make my powerpoint but none of my transformations are loading (probably because I dont have excel) and Im really flipping out.  I dont know what to do and I cant reach [Incommunicado Assistant].  Can I please figure something out with her and email it to by tomorrow night and give you a hard copy on monday?

I'm... not even entirely sure where to start with this one, so I'm just gonna throw a nerf arrow at the screen and see where it sticks.

Ok, I know I've mentioned in here that I haven't done math problems in AGES but I do NOT remember doing transformations in middle school. Maybe we have super kids in Teacher Mark's class... or maybe he's THAT good of a teacher! Don't mind us, we're super smart 8th graders ready for the AP calc exam! Or maybe I'm just not remembering 7th/8th grade math all that well (Indeed, upon a bit of googling I recall that transformations involved flipping geometric shapes around and now I have pleasant memories of playing geometric golf back in the day)! Or MAYBE (and this is my preferred theory) poor Flipped Out Girl is dealing with Transformers of some kind who need excel to run? If that's the case, Optimus Prime, we REALLY need to talk about Autobot operating system requirements.

Speaking of which, who wants to take a bet that Flipped Out Girl's transformations are saved as .xls files and thus, you know, NEED Excel in order to properly work.

Flipped Out Girl also emailed me late on a Thursday night (apparently Teacher Mark falls into the "let's let kids relax instead of work over the weekend by having assignments due on Friday" camp, of which I HEARTILY APPROVE so well done Teacher Mark). It'd be after 10pm in swanky New York City at the time! Do teachers stay up that late? I bet they don't. Anyway, thankfully, I continue to not be a teacher so I was probably only just starting on my own homework or something when the email came in. Also, we get to see another example of me combining well-wishes with somewhat passive aggressive remarks to make it clear that I'm not the right guy:

Hi [Flipped Out Girl], I think you have the wrong email address. I'm not a math teacher. Sorry I can't help, and good luck with your project! -not the Mark you're looking for

Was I on a Star Wars kick or something that day? I really hoped I waved my hand Ben Kenobi-style when I sent that email. Oh well, since I don't remember doing it, let's just assume that I did and call it a day, shall we?

[notmeantforme-blog]

Learn to love Clueless Kid. He shows up a lot.

The weird thing about getting someone else's emails is that after a while... you start to get to know them? I'm not saying I'd be able to pick Teacher Mark out of a crowd (that whole "never having seen a picture of him" creates a BIT of an obstacle) but, you know, I know that he exists, which is more than I can say for the vast majority of people in the world. And thanks to a little bit of internetstalkingresearch, I know he teaches math! We're like BFFs already! Anyway, TODAY'S email teaches us a BIT MORE items of interest for Teacher Mark! If, you know, "items of interest" means the same as "facts that you probably don't particularly care about."

This email also comes a mere 4 months after the last one! It was around this time that I started to think that I may have had A Problem. How little I knew.

Hi Mark its [Clueless Kid], I was wonder who we are playing this Friday (5/20/10), where it is, and what times the game? Just try to get back to me as soon as possible and if not I will ask you tomorrow in school. Alright, Bye.

So now we know that Teacher Mark is also a COACH. Of some kind. But what kind of coach? Basketball? Baseball? Scholastic Bowl? I'm personally rooting for chess team, personally, but I suppose mathletics coach makes a bit more sense. But who knows!

Also, here's a fun fact: this email was sent on 5/20/10 (why he felt the need to include the year, we may never know. Maybe the games in this particular sport - whatever it is - are planned out REALLY far in advance?). Of course, with a bit of research, we learn that 5/20/10 was actually a Thursday, so let's hope the sport isn't Date Telling, amirite? And, I guess, let's hope the game isn't particularly far, because that is NOT a lot of time to plan out contingencies, especially in New York City.

It was clear around now that I was starting to get miffed at these emails. I started sending a bit of snark in my emails around now, as we can clearly see here:

I think you may have the wrong email address, [Clueless Kid]. I don't have anything scheduled for tomorrow for games. Good luck, though!

Actually, I know where the snark is coming from here. It's actually weird to try to convince someone that you're a person of the right name, but not the person they're looking for. It's a weird feeling being like, "o, hai, you have the wrong person but I'm gonna sign with his name JUST TO CONFUSE YOU kthxbai", so I guess I felt it necessary to include that my schedule, in fact, included no games in a weird way to try to prove that I wasn't the right person? Human psychology: YOU'RE REALLY WEIRD, OK?

I'd feel a little bad, if I didn't know that Clueless Kid would be emailing me back another 4 times. So, uhh, if you like emails from a kid who can't be bothered to learn his teacher's email address... hooray? Enjoy? Thi- this is your blog, I guess?

[notmeantforme-blog]

ONOES ACTUAL MATHS

SPOILER ALERT: THERE'S MATHS HERE (the llama basically depicts my reaction upon getting this email, but also it's a LLAMA and automatically hilarious)

I SUPPOSE it was only just a matter of time. You know, math teacher. Students. Students having questions. And then there's the guy who's not actually a math teacher and hasn't had any formal math training in about 4 years who's thrown an email. A day in the life, amirite?

Anyway, perhaps the biggest surprise is the date: I don't get the following email until 2010! Two whole years of students living and surviving without my input! Imagine that! And then SOME student just HAD to have a math question and type the incorrect email. WHOOPS. Let's take a look, shall we?

After going over the best-fit line again, and looking at the triangle that was where the two points in my best-fit line would meet, I saw that I wouldn't be dividing -85 by 1800, but by 1785, which changed my slope to -0.0476. So that was my answer for the slope. I really need a reply by sunday, and I hope I got the right email, I think this was it. I think I got my slope wrong, but I'm not sure, so please reply soon.

My FIRST reaction to this was to curl up in a ball and whimper as this brought back painful memories and I was suddenly in school mode and like OH MY GOODNESS I HAVE A MATH QUESTION AND IT NEEDS TO BE ANSWERED WHERE'S MY TI-83! (sidenote: I still have my TI-83 and I pull it out every now and then and use it to play the old bowling game and watch some of the screensaver programs I for some reason programmed into it to make it look like the Matrix and dang this is a long parenthetical).

My SECOND reaction to the email was to curl up in a ball and whimper (look, I curl up in a ball and whimper a lot, ok?) "I used to know math I used to know math I used to know math."

My THIRD reaction was to start trying to figure out the legal liability (CURSE YOU BRAINWASHING LAW SCHOOL), even though its, you know, a legit math question.

...OR IS IT?! Reading the email again, I notice that no question is actually asked. What am I supposed to reply to? There's not even a reference to the problem he was referring to? I don't know what's going on here. Maybe this is a follow up to a conversation (then WHY did you wait until Saturday night to ask, Math Kid?). Or MAYBE Teacher Mark is a LOT nicer than any math teacher in existence and only gives one problem a day? So we automatically know what he's referring to?

But that still doesn't answer the question of what the problem is. So what exactly is Teacher Mark supposed to accomplish here? I'm pretty sure the letter could be rewritten as "Mr. Teacher Man this problem is probably due Monday but instead of trying to figure it out myself I'm gonna see if I can get you to tell me the correct way to solve it oh who am I kidding just tell me what the answer is. Love, Math Kid". Of course, then the police would get involved because he's signing a letter to a teacher with "love" but that's another matter ENTIRELY so we're just gonna stop talking about it. At the least, we established the slope at -0.0476. So there's that, I guess.

About 2 hours later I sent a quick reply that he had gotten the wrong email address. But now I'm emotionally invested in poor Math Kid. Does he figure out his problem? Does he figure out what he actually wanted to ask? What is Teacher Mark supposed to do when there's no question actually asked? Will he get his reply by Sunday (i.e. THE NEXT DAY)? Why am I asking so many rhetorical questions? Bah, I hate getting email messages not meant for me. Too stressful. Or maybe I just care too much.

...Nah.

[notmeantforme-blog]

Let the excuses for not doing homework commence!

One of the best things about getting Teacher Mark's emails is that I get to see what it's like being a teacher. So now not only do I know the pains and frustrations of being a lawyer, I ALSO get to know the pains and frustrations of being an 7th and 8th grade math teacher. IT'S LIKE RUBBING SALT INTO TWO WOUNDS WITH ONE STONE. Or something like that. I don't know, neither me nor Teacher Mark are grammar teachers, literary similes aren't our forte. What do you want from me.

ANYWAY, about a month after my first run in with Teacher Mark, I thought that this problem was all behind us. But nope! Demanding Mom is on the case!

[Son] had a doctors appt immediately after school today so could not stay to finish up his math project.  He will finish up tomorrow if he can.

  Thanks.

[Demanding Mom]

Maybe it's just me, but this letter strikes me as particularly audacious. There's no apology for the inconvenience. There's no question as to whether Teacher Mark would be willing to extend the deadline because of a doctor's visit. There's not even a promise that he'll even just turn in the project a day late. Nope, Demanding Mom is, well,demanding. Apparently, in Bizarro Demanding World, the teacher's petty "rules" and "deadlines" and "grading scales" and "syllabi" (Does Teacher Mark believe in syllabi? I hope so! Also, I like the word "syllabi") mean nothing! There's a doctor's visit to be had, you'll be lucky if you get his assignment by next week and you will LIKE IT.

On another note, what kind of math projects are these things? In 7th and 8th grade, I hardly remember math being a particularly project-based affair. Unless this is one of those attempts to make math "fun"? In which case, I wish Teacher Mark the best of luck because that's like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the waterfall or whatever LOOK WE DON'T HAVE TO KNOW GREEK MYTHOLOGY EITHER.

Of course, I quickly emailed Demanding Mom back to let her know of her mix up and hoping that maybe she'll be a bit nicer to actual Teacher Mark. I probably shouldn't be too surprised that she didn't bother responding.

I hope you all are enjoying the adventures of Teacher Mark because, let me tell you, these things go on for a while. And I just discovered 4 more emails about him today! He is a very happening guy! We could ask him "what's the haps" and he'd say "emails" because he gets a lot of them! Or at least I do? I hope he does. Anyway, until next time!

[notmeantforme-blog]

Teacher Mark's First Foray

Of the many, many hats I wear merely by having this particular email address (I'm pretty sure the poor thing has multiple personality disorder at this point), the first one I ever wore was as a teacher! Yes, I was apparently QUITE the math teacher in New York City. I have to admit, I'm not particularly sure where the confusion came from. Teacher Mark, as I like to call him, teaches math at some kind of Fancy Schmancy Magnet School (that's a technical term right there). And also he has the same name as me! A quick perusal of the school's website shows that I apparently teach both 8th AND 9th grade algebra (oo la la), while his profile shows that he probably TRIED to grab my email address and made do by putting his first initial AND middle initial in the email HAHAHAAHA SUCKS TO BE YOU I GOT THE ADDRESS FIRST.

Anyway, I got my first email for Teacher Mark in September of 2008. It was a good month. The sun was shining. I was starting law school. And some mother apparently thought that I was qualified to discuss her son's math curriculum. The email itself is kind of long, but let's look at the highlights, shall we?

Hi, Mark. It was great to get your voicemail message today, regarding [kid's name, come on, I'm not mean here]. I tried to send you an email on Sept 12 (to your school address) but perhaps you did not receive it.

I think the thing that I like about this start is that, right off the bat, we're already delving VERY close to the passive aggressiveness line. I don't think Teacher Mark and Concerned Mom have met yet, but sure, let's start with guilting Teacher Mark for not checking his school email WHY NOT (on another note: shame on you, Teacher Mark, for never checking your school email). But maybe I'm just reading this incorrectly, or maybe it's just my instinct to have anything said by a New Yorker taken as passive aggressively as possible.

Most of the rest of the email is fairly standard Concerned-Mother-esque stuff (though she does NOT look like she'll be able to get to Curriculum Night, come on, CM, get with the program). But it does end with this particular gem:

If I cannot come on Monday night, I will touch base with you via email, and we can address scheduling possibilities through this mechanism.

Hi, this is 2008, we want our email mechanisms back, KTHXBAI. Also, since she has the wrong email address, I'm not entirely sure how much use this mechanism will be.

ANYWAY, I emailed Concerned Mother back explaining the issue and wishing her luck. She sends me back a quick "Thanks for letting me know!" But you can HEAR the sigh of resignation when she adds on to the end:

...I'll try again.

I'm sure you will, Concerned Mother, I'm sure you will.

[notmeantforme-blog]

Introductions

I have a perfectly reasonable email address. My first initial and my last name. Not particularly original, but I was happy to snap it up when gmail was first released. It's a good address. It's a solid address. I've had it since 2004, so it's not like this is something that's just come out of the blue.

Unfortunately, in the past few months, my poor, reliable email address has been under siege. Under siege from the forces of deception and poor typing/reading comprehension skills. You see, I've recently started getting email not intended for me. This isn't spam. Far from it. These are personal emails. Important things. I've gotten emails meant for a math teacher in New York, a son who apparently lives in Texas, and just today, a fine and upstanding citizen has apparently put my email address down for his new apartment complex (I've been all over the world, if my emails are any indication)! I'm beginning to feel that someone has it out for me in the Land of the Interwebz.

So what can I do about it? Well, beyond write multiple emails a month patiently explaining that they've reached the wrong person and that they may want to re-examine their email address and by the way I hope you don't fail that math test because I don't know what you're talking about, I can do what all the cool people are doing these days: make a tumblr about it (am I officially cool yet? Please say I'm cool). Yes, that's right. These things are starting to get so out of line that I can officially devote an entire tumblr to my adventures in mistaken identities. Just going through some of my old email, I already have enough for 15 entries! And that's ignoring the British man who somehow put down my old hotmail address for his grocery deliveries (he ordered 8 Single White Crusty Round Rolls, among other things, to be delivered today, if anyone is wondering).

So join along in the fun. And feel free to send in your own if you'd like. Heck, it's not like I have anything better to do with my time these days.