Dumb little quips that inspire.

I'm Billy, age 28. I usually blog about punk rock, The Simpsons, history, politics, and the general lunacy of my day to day life. I also blog about pro wrestling @ the-foreign-object.tumblr.com

[theonion]

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

LOUISVILLE, KY—In light of disturbing footage obtained by undercover activists, pizza franchise Papa John’s came under fire Friday for the company’s cruel treatment of the bulbous, deformed creatures that lactate its pizza sauce. “These poor monstrosities are being kept in cramped, dark pens with little light or fresh air for the sole purpose of extracting fresh tomato sauce from their teat-like protuberances,” said PETA spokesperson Jasper Dornhoff, adding that the grotesque creatures were covered in infected sores from biting one another and that many appeared to be wallowing in their own garlicky waste all the way up to their haunches. “Papa John’s is profiting from the suffering of these beasts so they can continue to produce the millions of pizzas consumed by the public every year. No living thing on earth should have to spend its life pumped up with hormones and milked for its sauce almost constantly, not even able to nurse its own calves.” At press time, a Papa John’s representative warned that any humane changes to the sauce creatures’ environment would negatively affect that special Papa John’s flavor.

[memethiefsteve]

[hewasnumberwan-deactivated20170]

Why is this the type of humor I enjoy

[aubs-of-steel-deactivated201708]

who did this

[slypopasquat-deactivated2020051]

[blackness-by-your-side]

This is very important

[theonion]

SEATTLE—Reporting that millions of customers had already signed up for the feature in the few hours since its launch, Amazon announced a new service Friday that comes to your house and kills you. “Amazon has always offered unparalleled customer service and convenience, and Amazon Slay is part of that philosophy,” said company spokesperson Leslie Rivera, adding that the service, which allows customers to choose between being shot, strangled, or beaten to death with one of several available blunt objects, was currently only available to Amazon Prime customers but would be expanding in coming months to satisfy the unprecedented demand. “In addition to giving subscribers the choice of multiple disposal options, including having their bodies buried in a shallow grave in the wilderness or being dissolved in a barrel of acid, Amazon Slay also features real-time text alerts that let you know exactly when one of our employees will be arriving at your home to take your life, or the life of a friend or relative if you choose the gift option.” At press time, Amazon announced it was working to improve the service’s compatibility with Amazon Echo so that customers could simply have their Alexa digital assistant kill them directly.

[theonion]

Red Lobster Criticized For Decimating Biscuit Populations Along Cheddar Bay

CHEDDAR BAY, ME—Warning that local stocks had been depleted to dangerous levels, environmentalists criticized Red Lobster on Wednesday for its part in decimating biscuit populations along Cheddar Bay. “It’s no coincidence that the biscuit population has dropped an alarming 84 percent since Red Lobster was founded in 1968,” said Roger Gross, researcher at the Marine & Environmental Research Institute, adding that the rate at which Red Lobster has been harvesting biscuits from the bay was unsustainable, causing them to shrink precipitously not only in number but also in size.

Read more.

[theonion]

NEW YORK—Releasing the records in hopes of reducing automobile accidents nationwide, 1-800-EAT-SHIT on Tuesday finally published decades of reckless-driving data. “These documents catalogue millions of reported moving violations from the sticker’s debut in 1987 and provide valuable information that hopefully will help keep everyone safer on the road,” said head researcher Lydia Cattalone, explaining that the reports based on the hotline calls, breaking down the frequency with which motorists forgot to signal, sped through toll booths, and cut other drivers off over a 30-year period, could potentially decrease automobile deaths by up to 15 percent. “When we first proposed the idea of a bumper sticker as a means of data collection, it was considered rather unorthodox, but it has paid off with a massive repository of vital information. We, of course, would like to thank all of our volunteer respondents, whose passionate and consistent reporting made the whole 1-800-EAT-SHIT project possible.” Cattalone went to say that any peer reviewers seeking to challenge the survey’s methodology or criticize its findings can also call the number.

[vikings-and-scots]

[thevoluntaryist-deactivated2018]

[theonion]

Editorial Cartoon: “White Loaves Matter”

[dabneycoleperson]

[depsidase]

[quoms]

RIP

[abloodymess]

The best baseball team? 

[notmetaphoric]

Is this a thing I can buy somewhere?

[theonion]

Wrigley Field Grounds Crew Feed Buckets Of Raw Meat To Hungry Ivy

CHICAGO—Standing several feet back as they tossed a ground-up, blood-soaked mixture of beef and pig meat toward the outfield walls, members of the Wrigley Field grounds crew reportedly spent Tuesday afternoon feeding buckets of raw meat to the ballpark’s hungry ivy. “In order to keep the ivy healthy and lush, we have to make sure to maintain its diet of at least 600 pounds of meat per day,” Cubs head groundskeeper Roger Baird told reporters, raising his voice so he could be heard over the guttural gnashing and slurping sounds of the ivy as it feasted on its food. “We have consistent feeding times every day at 9 a.m., noon, 3 p.m., 6 p.m., and 9 p.m. If we miss any feedings, the ivy gets pretty upset and starts making loud groaning noises, so we’re very diligent about the schedule. And we always have to remind fans to never feed the ivy, both because of its diet and for safety reasons.” At press time, in anticipation of the Cubs game later in the day, workers were cleaning up the bone shards and chunks of cartilage that the ivy had spit back out all over the outfield.

[acakewalkofcrocodiles]

[theonion]

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career. “Though he was clearly still getting his footing at the time, one can see in this mildly spiced salsa a young man honing his craft and learning to master the raw garden vegetables and fresh seasonings with which the name Paul Newman would forever become associated,” archivist Clement Atherton said of the tomato-based chip dip, which was never distributed beyond a few small markets and was found in a vault among bottles of salad dressing, packets of microwave popcorn, and a jar of what appears to be an initial attempt at Sockarooni pasta sauce. “This salsa was truly lost to time, with none of Newman’s biographers having so much as mentioned it. Luckily it has been kept in cold storage, so most of the peppers, onions, and cilantro have been preserved, and their original colors haven’t faded too much.” While Newman’s estate would not comment on a planned release date for the decades-old salsa, a spokesperson did confirm that 100 percent of any royalties and after-tax profits would be donated to charity.