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@notmyamericandream
I stared into oblivion And found my own I stared into oblivion Into oblivion Find in me the hope That you have never known Find in us the faith The faith to bring you home I stared into oblivion And found my own I stared into oblivion And found my own I stared into oblivion And found my own reflection there (reflection there)
Private @ Tess
fearghal-mckenna:
You know I’m a poetic soul really, if those words impress just you wait Blondie…Don’t worry, I haven’t composed a sonnet for good Queen Liz, nor any of the other inmates, no matter how hard they do try to romance me…*smiles back* Perhaps you should put the comics down, I mean, if it’s green you’re aiming for you’ve got to work on building up your arsenal and I don’t think gamma bombs come cheap.
What? *confused expression* Isn’t that what all those classes are for; the antenatal, the birthing ones, mother and partner…and then there’s all the midwife visits and doctors appointments; and the books ‘what to expect when you’re expecting’; you’ve probably made the birth plan already, shit that one actually has plan in the name! Isn’t that what it’s all about, how would I know otherwise? We both know I’m missing them but I thought we could at least try to bridge the extensive gaps in my understanding of this. I can’t help not understanding and I’m not apologising for not pretending I do. Why would you even bother saying something like that? *frowns* I didn’t say a fucking escape plan, did I? No. You know, asking for help doesn’t have to mean a SOS. I was asking you to help me so I could be better help for you in the future than I am being now. I wouldn’t bother to ask what we were doing if I didn’t want to be part of that. Come on. Yeah, like that’s a guilt trip I’ve been holding over you. *shakes head* I’ve never and you know it because I’d do it ten times over if I had to! Well, yes. Obviously. Is that not a given now? *looks up* But how- how? I will not. I’m not him…I’m not leaving you, I don’t want to leave, fuck’s sake, you couldn’t get rid of me if you tried, Tess! That’s what I am trying to say, you’re stuck with me; so help me, help me so that’s not another fucking chain for you. *looks down* Well, good for you. And you clearly don’t know a thing about me if you really think that. Jesus Christ…is that what you want, to do it on your own? Because I am one hundred percent sure you could but you don’t have- I won’t let you. I was asking for you to trust me despite what I can see are my obvious flaws; I was telling you, I know I’m probably going to make mistakes but I will not fuck this all up. So this went well, well done me. *sighs* I don’t know. I cant guarantee otherwise, that’d be bollocks. If this conversation is anything to go by fucking probably because me trying has been an absolute disaster this far. We’ll just have to deal with it because yeah you’d probably be so much better on your own but it isn’t just you and the baby either, I’m here and I’m staying. Fuck off, I’M NOTHING LIKE HIM! *balls up fists* I could be a better Dad than him in my sleep. I don’t know it all sadly but I know I would be there for my kid no matter what they did with their lives or what they wanted to do and I’d support them and help them when they needed it and I’d listen to them and I’d, I’d fucking- I’d just be their dad and be whatever they needed me to be. I love them already and I love you for fuck’s sake and I’ll dress up like a superhero and tie myself to the nearest tall building with the rest of the nutters if that’s what it takes. I’m not like him. I’m not. *breathes out* Look, Tess, shit. I’m sorry, alright? If it’s too late for that then I’m sorry again, at least I said it. At least you know I’m not giving up, ever. That makes two of us then.
...There are probably thousands if not millions of people preparing this same speech right now, gathering up their excuses in place of, or even with, handfuls of dying flowers, the difference is, I’m not going for most outstanding newcomer in the category of heartfelt speeches, I’m just being honest. I’m sorry and I love you, in that order. It’s a piss poor white flag so if you wanna tear strips off it, or me, when I’m done then go for your life, that’s one get out of jail free card I can give you, but just don’t shoot me down yet, that’s all I’m asking. Of fucking course you’re not drama head boy and I’m not the cynical new girl with a bad dye job, I’m not even the much improved, au naturel track star, but being aware of that doesn’t stop me from feeling and acting like a fucked up kid, especially without you. I wish it did, that I could do the kid thing of crying and being forgiven, but things don’t work like that. So, I’ll just tell you how things are, for me, alright, help you understand, ‘cause what else can I do?This is gonna sound retarded, I know...I haven’t been this happy for a long time...*shakes head* no fuck that, I haven’t been this happy ever. My muscle memory isn’t equipped to deal...I got it wrong. *Frowns* so wrong, more than spectacularly. I could blame any of the other Tess’, my dad, my ex, you, but the truth is, it’s me. Be more of a cliché, yeah? But seriously, I didn’t trust myself...any of this...to last. It’s like I’ve taken a bottle of happy pills and I’m waiting for chemical imbalance to win out over the high, ‘cause something that good can only ever be temporary. I can’t explain it better than that. I didn’t think we needed a plan because I still keep expecting to wake up. Things like this don’t happen for people like us, do they? We take to the stage with our costumes on and our lines learnt to find that they’ve given the role to someone else. Either that or we get booed off, same end result *shrugs sadly.*I haven’t had this much to lose since....*bites lip* well, since I lost it. That pain was...*looks away* I’ve already messed up, lost you, and the fact that the loss is the temporary thing should mean everything but doesn’t mean shit in the moments when it’s all too quiet and the oldest Tess, the one I thought I’d exorcised, just won’t stop fucking haunting me. That said, I can’t go back to collecting regrets instead of holding onto you and this kid, everything we have now. ...I’m so fucking sorry *wipes her eyes on her sleeve*. That’s the point, nothing was a given. That’s what I thought. Like I said, spectacularly wrong...the only thing we could take for granted is that I don’t have all the answers. And I think that’s where we both made a mistake, ‘cause who says we fucking have to?! Why can’t we just enjoy this now? All of it. So the living get haunted, but I’ll take that, risk cracking up, rather than go back to being dead inside. There’s a life there, growing in me and it’s real and it’s ours so what the hell does anything else matter? *Looks up at* I know. I... They say lightning doesn’t strike twice but that’s bullshit, it can and will! It’s not even statistically less likely for fucks sake! *Shakes her head.* I’m just so scared of storms...always have been. Nothing drowns them out not even a hail of bullets. I’m not going to say that you don’t know me at all if you think that but no! I’m a thousand percent sure I couldn’t, I need you. I already miss you so much its made me proper mental! It’s not just that though, my fear, I want to do this with you ‘cause we’re a family. We were a family of 2 long before this and we’re already a family of 3 and we could be a family of 15 if you decide to adhere to every Irish stereotype I’ve ever heard! *Smiles tentatively* I’ve told this kid so much about you, I walk around talking to the poor sod every day , you should see the looks I get at work! I’m not going to run from you despite moments like this where my big mouth strikes and you’ll end up wishing I would. So yeah, you’re right, we’ll both have to deal *plays with her hair awkwardly*. Christ...that was a low blow even for me. I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry. I'm the one who’s recycling the sins of their parents, not you. I don’t mind being like my mom, letting you, us, keep me safe, but what’s fucked is that I’ve failed in not being like him, bottling it all up inside, fearing the worst, taking everything out on the one person I shouldn’t...it’s too late for me to take it back, but I won’t do it again, I promise. I can’t let this happen; it’s bad enough that I still see the look on his face when I close my eyes, the little smug intake of breath, the pitying shake of his head, without proving him right about the last things he said to me. I believe we can do this, and it’s just words now, but let me show you that I mean every one. I don’t want to give up either so that does make two of us.
Private @ Tess
fearghal-mckenna:
So, I was pondering…expectations as up in the air as they are; velociraptor or not, it’s safe to assume any child that has half my DNA and half yours would be likely to terrorize any nursery school or babysitter going, no matter how stern the gatekeeper or the kid’s possible lack of claws, yeah? *smirks but there’s a softness to it* Err, what I’m saying is, Blondie, what’s our contingency plan? Like, how are we supposed to do this? I know it’s always been just you, me and a couple shotguns against the world but…it’s not just you and me now. And that’s great and I’m so damn excited even though I’m scared as fuck but, seriously, how are we gonna do it; what if just me isn’t enough for you this time?
Pondering? Expectations? Who are you and what have you done with Fearghal McKenna? *Raises an eyebrow while smiling* Still got plenty of time to philosophize I see. That's a relief, I was getting worried you weren't making the most of her majesty's pleasure *laughs quietly.* Yeah exactly and if the poor little bastard is really lucky maybe they'll grow some scales, you know, as armor to help them survive those hazardous parenting techniques of ours...or maybe I should stop surviving on a diet of Marvel and DC and stick to eating my greens. Either/or. *Stares in disbelief* ...What? I wasn't aware we needed one.. I should've known that your stint as a jailbird would have you looking for the escape hatch here too, shouldn't I? If you want out, then fucking fine, go. One less sentence for you to serve on my account. We were supposed to do this together, is what I thought. That's generally how these things work, but don't worry, I get that the practice is harder than the theory so go ahead and walk away. It's not like you're the first... I'm a big girl now, I can cover my own back and reload for myself too. Better I know now, yeah? Before your excitement runs out. 'Cause lesson fucking learnt, that way I can harvest my own reserves without having to rely on another boy running on fear. *Shakes head sadly* What if it isn't? What the fuck are you gonna do, go ahead and disappoint me? 'Cause you're right that isn't gonna be enough this time, that's for fucking sure. Like you said, it isn't just me. Do you really want to become your fucking dad?!...If you are, don't expect me to stay silent like mine. This is happening and I'll die before I let it play out wrong again. This isn't a play. There is nobody waiting in the wings, no rewrites, it's just me, standing here and whether you take your cue or miss it, I still have to say my lines, don't I?
This guy who doesn't talk as much shit as some, he said, "“Prison is like high school with knives.” I like that, it's bizarrely fucking comforting.
Le me waiting on a table
Me: Hi, how are you doing today?
Woman: Coffee
Me: I wasn't aware coffee was a mood.
Woman: what
Me: what
Every single sense in me is heightened There's nothing left inside to rearrange Like a slave to history and science I long, I burn to touch you just the same So we both can both can speak in tongues So we both can both can speak in tongues Until the universe is done And the course of time has run So we both can both can speak in tongues Don't let them get their way Don't let them have their way You're beautiful and so blase So please don't let them have their way Don't fall back into the decay There is no law we must obey So please don't let them have their way Don't give in to yesterday We can build a new tomorrow, today We can build a new tomorrow, today We can build a new tomorrow, today We can build a new tomorrow, today
this isn’t happiness
"You’re still hanging around so you must be a proper sadist."
"You seem like a person more deserving of my kindness than most..."
Hey kids, you did it all yourselves, You'll never change the world, So what'cha you think about that Hey dad, the suit is on your back, So take your boots off my neck, And get back to your money stack.
If hindsight is a bitch then permanent ink is a grade A bastard
You and your hair dying, blondie. *shakes head* Not the first time it’s brought trouble your way, is it? (If we were to call meeting me anything but the best luck ever *grins*) I bet she looks cool though. If that doesn’t help the ‘convincing her to let you destreak’ cause though, keep that compliment to your artistic self. Just tell her real rock stars don’t ponce about with their hair and she should be running towards the Acetone faster than you can say Jimmy Page. Unwarranted makeovers aside… terror threat levels at a comfortable amber, yeah?
Does the universal and well documented law of inability to save apply to electronic devices as well as people though; that is the real question… *bites lip* Anyway, is that money or just your famous temper talking? Call it prison paranoia but if you can afford to be throwing computers around (that aren’t loaned at the company’s pleasure, obviously) you musta moved your sugar daddy in? *smirks* Eh that’s alright, just ask him to pay your psycho boyfriend’s bail and I’ll pinky promise to leave you both alone. *laughs* Either that or get me enough money to get into the drugs game so I can buy some respect…
What can I say, if there's a better way to liven up polyester that doesn't also clash with my name tag or cause my artistic licence to be revoked, I haven't found it yet. Besides, so many Tess' vying for their 15 minutes primping time, and aiming to please is always my true calling no matter the 9-5, remember? *Smirks* Don't pretend you don't miss my little go faster stripe, useless as it was on the track. *Shakes head* You love it (as much as I love trouble finding it's way to my door, yeah? Good thing too, they don't put outlaws out to pasture. We're like Superheroes, no retirement plan. *Grins back*) 'Course she does, that's a given, but I'll pass the compliment on because another never hurts, though we both know it won't be heard it the same way without the famous Daredevil accent, don't we? *Laughs* Cheers dearest but as wise as those words were, I don't think I should be encouraging her to be running towards or under a shower of chemicals. Life aint like the comics so we should probably save the hazardous parenting for one of our own, don't you think? Yeah. Nothing I can't handle. Don't worry about me, just take care of yourself, okay? Promise me. *Bites lip*
That's deep. I can't believe you're getting philosophical on me. I thought we agreed you wouldn't let the big house change you...*smiles tentatively* Thank fuck for your sake that you didn't say hormones then or else I'd have to waste a visit in order to showcase my famous temper in all it's glory and I know you don't miss me that much! I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sounds of the internal cash registers ringing up my latest haul after an evening well spent. All the awards to SugarDaddies4U honestly, I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner. Pinky promise I've got my best Tess on it. Her lip service will pay your dues in no time, done deal. About time I put my irresistible nature to good use and all. *Smirks back*
If hindsight is a bitch then permanent ink is a grade A bastard
And promises kept seemingly just to spite and prove you wrong when they usually fail you are just the ultimate wankers, right? *nods head* Hmm I shall consult my dad handbook, for a practical solution to your problem, as I’m an old fashioned bloke like that. (Gorilla mits and tiny keys no compute, truth be told. *grins*) Shame you can’t prescribe a buzz cut for a little girl; like we did when my kid got a little scissor happy at nursery; A Sinead phase so young might be a little hard to explain away.
…Your google overlords can relax and put away the tranq darts because I have braved the dreaded technology and contacted me old mum (who’s apparently braver than me and more skilled than you when it comes to internet usage…Her facebook makes for an interesting read, Ivan for Kyrgyzstan agrees…) she reckons rubbing alcohol, lemon juice and acetone free nail polish remover. Going to smell a bit like you’ve got Gazza over so just rub a tiny bit through her hair and get her to hold her nose. And rinse! Can ya tell two out of three of my sisters are beauticians? I still look great with a perm, honestly. *smirks* Good luck, hope it works.
Exactly, or so it reads on my lower back tattoo anyway. *Grins* There's a handbook? My Amazon recommendations are really getting lax these days, and people wonder why I'm beyond done with the technological age. *Shakes head but smirks* Yeah it'd probably raise a few too many eyebrows not just at Kindergarten and I can't see the little 'un agreeing, we haven't watched GI Jane together yet, what with kids shows these days being so compelling, they really go all out with the plot and character arcs, you know.
....Phew, that's an all round relief. Cheers for saving the day. I'm gonna go ahead and voice this and 'cause it's the truth, my voice won't even shake, yeah? You're my hero! *Laughs* Damn, where were they all those years back when I was battling in vain to banish the blonde! You've been holding out on me. Rude. Thanks for the luck though which we both know I need every bit of, shame it's not Irish, but maybe I'll be cut some slack and not have to cut any hair as a result! Keep em crossed for now, won't ya? (In return, I'm hardly a whiz kid but my paltry skills do extend to social media so if you want your mom's facebook to be a less desirable read or anything else, I'll admit to owing you one)
