TRIGGER WARNING: sexual trauma, mention of death
This week fed off of last week’s session pertaining to my concerns over the health of my problem and how I’m so frustrated and disgusted with the fact that my mom constantly says she loves him, but refuses to take care of him. Unsure if I’ve mentioned it before, but my brother has autism and is lower functioning so he’s completely dependent on us. However, my mom refuses to follow through with doctor recommendations and the doctor is a piece of shit, so.... she’s not being held responsible, and it’s so frustrating because I feel so helpless as a result. My biggest fear in life is losing my brother. That kid is my entire world. Back in 2016, he was hospitalized, which I also blame myself for because I ignored the side effects of Citalopram. His doctor put him on it because I was on it, and he became more aggressive so he was put into the psych ward for two weeks. He missed school during that time, which made it difficult for me to even find motivation to go to school because my brother loved school so much. The doctors were saying that he wouldn’t be able to come back home, which was fake news~. Eventually, he got put on the right meds and now his aggressive behaviors are few and far between. But during those two weeks, I felt lost... I couldn’t speak without crying my eyes out, and no one could understand what I was saying. I didn’t know how to function. I was constantly worrying about him and how helpless I was. My mom had the opposite reaction; she felt she didn’t need to walk on eggshells, she was content.
So, now I’m concerned about his health since being diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and neither the doctor, my mom, or his dad are doing anything about it. I’m constantly fearful of losing my brother and hate not being around him. I feel guilty anytime I give him ice cream, or anything high in carbs and sugar. I tried to call the doctor’s and get more information, but they refused because I’m not his guardian. All I can think about is how I felt back in 2016, and how I’d honestly probably die without him.
We then discussed control, and taking steps to learn of what I can control and to let go of what I can’t. This is something I really struggle with because I’m such a control freak, but it would honestly benefit me so much.
I told my therapist about how I was vulnerable yesterday with a dude I had just started talking to. She wide eyed me, stating how she was impressed and asked me to elaborate on how I was vulnerable. I then discussed the following text message:
I also informed my therapist about how I was in my feels~ at my co-worker’s wedding and how nothing could’ve prepared me for how to handle that situation, because I wasn’t even aware it was going to be a problem. I discussed how prior to the wedding, I sent my ex-boyfriend a Facebook message, just apologizing for my behavior(s) back in 2015. It was on an old Facebook account, so I haven’t bothered to check and see if he read the message or not. Me sending the message was something I needed to do for me, to get the guilt off my chest. It worked, temporarily. After the wedding, I felt like shit, I was insecure as heck.
I discussed with my therapist how I don’t know how to stop going from 0-100. I need a balance. It’s either I’m all in or not at all. I said I’m tired of diving into the pool when sometimes I would just like to get my feet wet. She said by me telling James (from the texts above), that I’m showing progress and getting to that point. She also mentioned how, due to my upbringing, I’ve never learned the “proper” way to establish relationships, so my way is to jump all in and to try and obtain that security, which isn’t going to be there because others don’t have that same issue (for lack of a better word.) She said my past made it to where I lack the security and so I try to force it onto others because I want them to like me, but then I get to the point of being overbearing (my words.) Relationships are weird.
On a positive note, I’m making progress. I’m putting myself out there to be vulnerable.
I go through phases of wanting a boyfriend versus phases of not wanting any sort of human interaction. She wants me to start journaling more about what happens prior to me going through these phases. I feel like that’s the reason I’m pushing James away, currently is because my emotions from last week regarding my ex were just too much, and I don’t know how to feel right now.
