Not the Norm? Me neither.

NottheNorm is a non-profit organization dedicated to raising awareness in middle and high school students about the dangers of abusing or exploiting those who do not identify with what is considered typical, socially accepted, or “the norm.” Our fundraising efforts go directly to individual teenagers who are in temporary safe housing or rehabilitation institutions and would like to pursue an education or receive counseling or rehabilitation through NottheNorm’s scholarship fund, which exists to give opportunities and assistance to those who have been hurtfully labeled “Not the Norm.”

[notthenorminc-blog]

That's Gay, You're Gay, It's Gay, Gay Gay Gay Piano Gay

Gather around, children. Let’s have a chat. I want to point out the obvious to you because, as obvious as the obvious is, there’s a large group of people who obviously aren’t getting it. What’s “it,” you wonder?

“That’s so gay.” “You’re gay.” “It’s gay.” “Gaygaygaygaygay.” I’m suffering from semantic satiation; I hear it so often.

“We’re having that talk?” You groan. Yes, out of necessity.

Do I walk up to you and call you a piano? No. Why? Because that doesn’t make any sense—unless you’re a piano, in which case I apologize. Which, you know, it’s fine if you are. It’s illogical for me to approach you, Hypothetical Example Person, and call you a piano because you aren’t one. However, being illogical is worse than being illogical and hateful. If I walked up to you and called you a piano and meant to call you an idiot, I’ve not only insulted you (or attempted to in an inaccurate manner) but I’ve insulted pianos. I’ve implied that pianos are by nature attached to stupidity—implied that the terms are synonymous. A piano is an inanimate object that cannot be incarnated to my knowledge and therefore is a pointless insult to direct at an individual.

So why is it that I hear you, Hypothetical Example Person, calling homework gay? Does your homework have a sexual orientation? Is it attracted to other homework of the same sex? Is your homework engaging in sexual activity with other homework at all? Who is your teacher? You may be thinking that I’m being finicky. I am but for good reason. Because, realistically, when people say things like, “Oh, I don’t mean it like that,” it’s an attempt to dismiss harmful behavior and folks, I’m just not willing to let Hypothetical Example Person off the hook. It’s mindless ignorance saying, “You don’t get it. When you say gay now-a-days, you mean something’s stupid or lame or whatever.” When you say gay, you’re referring to individuals who are attracted to the same sex. By calling something you find “stupid or lame or whatever” gay, you’re flat-out saying gay people are “stupid or lame or whatever;” which makes me want to call you a piano but I won’t bring myself down to your level, Hypothetical Example Person.

There’s a larger problem with calling things and people you don’t like a certain group. To quote comedian Simon Amstell, I don’t tell people to “bloody Jew off,” because that’s offensive and absurd. You’re turning characteristics, cultures, individual human beings into derisive, scorned, shame-instilling slurs and that’s shameful. You’re telling kids that being gay is stupid, undesirable, weird, different, not normal, and I have to ask you, Hypothetical Example Person, what made you decide that the only acceptable values in our society are the ones that directly apply to you? Should we segregate brunettes and strip them of their rights because you’re not one and that’s weird? It’s as arbitrary as that. Why are you so invested in who other people are having sex with? Do you knock on your neighbor’s door and ask if they’re using condoms? If they use toys? What positions they particularly enjoy? How often they have sex? No? That’s probably because it’s none of your business and it doesn’t affect you.

And for those of you sitting there going, “That’s not natural,” I can tell you neither are many people’s hair colors, but I don’t see you going after Clairol shoppers. What’s natural is subjective and once again, doesn’t concern you, Hypothetical Example Person. And the worst part is that many of the people calling others gay legitimately claim that it’s simply a joke or a not a big deal. If I personally attacked part of your identity, you’d probably be annoyed when I proceeded to dismiss it. The fact is, you just don’t have the authority to stroll around proclaiming what’s normal, natural, or acceptable and neither does anyone else.

Besides calling everything gay, there’s this notion floating around that it’s appropriate to call someone gay when they’ve acted as what socio-normative and hetero-normative society has defined as “feminine.” If a male is acting weak, whiny, or even enjoying certain hobbies or interests, suddenly the individual is gay. Apparently, people have once again misunderstood the basic definition of homosexuality, which strictly refers to same-sex attraction. Firstly, there’s the issue that people have decided to put on tunnel-vision and can only comprehend sexuality from a heterosexual perspective. “Who’s the woman in the relationship?” is just about the most moronic question I’ve ever heard—if it’s a gay relationship, clearly no one is a woman in the relationship, which is what makes the relationship gay. Stop trying to turn concepts you don’t understand into what directly applies to you, Hypothetical Example Person. There is no woman. Gasp.

 Also, as a woman, I’m extremely frustrated that I have to pull out my soap box to point out the obvious yet again: just what exactly do you mean by who’s the woman? Just by asking this question, you’re implying that there are prescribed roles a woman should be acting out in a relationship because she does not possess a penis. If that doesn’t sound illogical, you might be a piano, Hypothetical Example Person. You’re also implying that in a relationship, a woman must do these things, and womanly tasks must be performed in order for a relationship to exist. Newsflash, the only womanly task that exists is that which relate to our anatomy, just as the only manly tasks that exist are that which relate to your anatomy. It’s shocking, I know, but everything else is social construction. I have a vagina and you, Hypothetical Example Person, either have a vagina or a penis, which makes you female or male, respectively. We can’t really argue that and it’s more or less a given. Otherwise, we’re talking about what society has decided is socially acceptable for those who have vaginas and those who have penises. Stop giggling, Hypothetical Example Person. When a male does something that is considered “feminine” and he is called gay, there is a reinforcement of the idea that not only being gay is unnatural and lesser than being masculine and heterosexual, but so is being feminine; it perpetuates the false accusation that homosexuality and femininity are related. One strong relation from the insult is that they’re both undesirable and males are somehow above homosexuality and femininity. Being feminine should not mean performing domestic tasks and acting generally childish—whiny, needy, clingy, approval-seeking, coddling, etc.—and if we’ve decided that this is the meaning of femininity, we should stop assigning it to the female sex and stop assuming that homosexual males are somehow related to the inferior traits society has decided to prescribe to women. I’m getting off my soap box now. Phew.

The next time you hear “that’s gay,” “It’s gay,” “gaygaygaygay,” I hope it’s about a male piano that is crushing on another male piano, or, better yet, you can refer to two male men who are sexually attracted to one another. Pat yourself on the back for not disgracing the English language and those who aren’t a carbon copy of you, Hypothetical Example Person.

-- Jennifer Stecco (Founder)

[notthenorminc-blog]

Why Does NottheNorm Exist?

I was walking across campus to my next class on a disturbingly humid Tuesday when I heard, “Hey, faggot!” Although I knew it wasn’t directed at me, I flinched, my eyes and ears seeking out the source of the words. It was just another college student—perhaps a year or two older. He had a grin that didn’t seem to fit the slur and I soon realized he was directing the insult at someone who had accidentally bumped into him in the crowd. A friend of mine was the victim of the words, I soon realized. My friend happens to be gay. At that moment, I wondered who this person was and what made those words tumble out of his mouth when any other phrase would have done without being so despicably cruel.

I wonder about these things a lot. I’ve surrounded myself with lovely people, creative and kind-hearted people who I call my friends but are more accurately family. We’re not all alike. Some of us are gay, some of us are hard of hearing, some of us have struggled with hardship. Some of us have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, eating disorders. All of us have heard our own personalized versions of “Hey, faggot!” and I start to wonder again: why?

This is why I wanted to start NottheNorm, founded by young adults who know exactly what it’s like to be singled out for not fitting the mold. NottheNorm? Me neither. Let’s lay the cards on the table: no one is. And I think teenagers especially need to know that that’s all right. That even when there’s someone standing in front of you, ready and willing to try and break you down for not being like them, there are more people standing behind you, ready and willing to try and build you back up for being exactly who you are and were meant to be. And if you can’t think of anyone who is, think of us. We’re not professionals but we have first-hand experience and can put you into contact with professionals.

                   We’re fundraising for you, whether you were kicked out of your home, need a place to stay, or require rehabilitation and are looking for or are in a safe-house, shelter, or rehabilitation clinic. We’re fundraising to give you scholarship money, so that you can pursue an education or cover the costs of counseling or rehab. Because while we’re spreading the word, raising awareness, and sharing our stories, we’re not just hoping we can stop someone from saying “Hey, faggot!” We’re also hoping we can encourage someone to hold their head up and say, “Excuse me, was that your woeful attempt to wound me? I’m too proud of myself to further address your ignorance.” Or, you know, something with less syllables but equal pride, determination, and feelings of self-worth.

-- Jennifer Stecco (President & Secretary)