journey to actual self love/healing

est Feb 6 '23

[notthetypicalprogress]

The hard times always pass but this is the first time I don't wanna be around to move forward

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So there I go not able to pick out my feathers but still able to sing

Is there really even a point of flying if you're not able to share the adventures though

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I'll always feel grateful for being able to come here but always will miss a part of me being here too

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It's a new year and I aim to get deeply back into who I am and what I love most

I see my future self in everything I do and she's gonna be proud of the steps I'm taking to get her where she's safe and comfortable

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I'm not scared of forever with one person, for once I can't wait to be there

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Will I ever remember the exact hue of pink the walls turned as the leaves changed to red behind our house?

Will I ever get over the feeling of everything being moveable/changeable and go back to one room, two spaces?

If I could paint the story of my life in yearning how many colors would look the same shade

[notthetypicalprogress]

The sky glowing orange and bright as the sunsets on one side

Purple and lavender with an indigo based rainbow against rainy clouds on the other

Twin lightening strikes each side of the arches in front of my eyes

I am awed

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Hearing "you're full?" After every meal when I hand him my leftovers

I'd never heard it so much or noticed how routine and casually it's used but no one had ever asked me before

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Safe foods list on the fridge

Kisses as he gets in and out of bed

Telling me he'll love me as long as he lives

(then proving it)

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He shows me every day how much I can trust and rely on him I really am so lucky

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(Abt him taking me down the road to smoke a bowl on his break bc it's hot and I didn't wanna walk or drive myself)

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He shows me every day how much I can trust and rely on him I really am so lucky

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I hate that he has to witness my mental breakdowns

I have bruises and faint scratches. I smacked myself and punched walls. It was definitely the most violent I've ever gotten

He hesitated before coming inside because I saw him wiping tears from his eyes and I know that I did that to him

And as much as my abandonment fear is untriggered, I am fearful in and of myself pushing him to the limit and feeling like he's non-deserving of this

[notthetypicalprogress]

He picked my outfit to run errands

He opens my drinks and asks to massage my hands and wrists

He muscle memory pets my hair anytime I'm close

I'm so loved and cherished without words

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Things evolve. We get blinded by good intentions. I'm glad he's still here with me despite it all

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I wake up around 7 to the sound of birds coming through my cracked window. The air is crisp and the morning is still quiet. Closer to 8, the whole house smells like pancakes. It's Friday and I feel the childlike energy inside of me awakening at the thought of the weekend rolling in. By 9 she will be tucked back into the safe place in my mind so I can continue doing the things that would make her proud.

[notthetypicalprogress]

The small things:

We're rushing to the laundromat and I start sneezing bad (an anger trigger) and I mention I forgot to take my allergy medicine. He stares at me and says "do you wanna stay?" And I go "I forgot that was an option" and laugh a little bc I could see the second of unsurity where I was about to get upset and he CHOSE what he did next.

He said "I did too." 🥹 He solidified that not only was it okay for ME to want to, he also agreed with/supported the decision and would've made it FOR ME if he had remembered.

The feeling of being known and so loved

[notthetypicalprogress]

He loves and supports me 💜💜 I am starting a journey for myself down a path unknown but I'm so excited for it