Liberal redneck: [heavy southern accent] What’s up, y’all? traecrowder, Liberal Redneck. Look, I wanna talk about a lot of things, but this trans gender bathroom deal just won’t go away! And you know it’s gettin’ outta hand now, ‘cause we got white people boycotting Target. God damn! Never thought I’d see the day!
Liberal redneck: But yeah, sure enough, the American Family Association in Mississippi asked for a boycott o’ Target, and they got over seven hundred thousand signatures! An’ I guarantee ya every one of them people’s so prouda themselves for makin’ a statement, too. Y’all ever notice how shitty white people get to protest stuff by like, [mocking] goin’ to Sears instead! Or, eatin’ two chicken sandwiches, this week! [sarcastically] But yeah, y’all are basically freedom riders.
Liberal redneck: Gah, it just gets my red up, man! ‘Parently, the people signing this petition are doin’ it because they don’t feel comfortable takin’ their kids into Target, now, with their trans-friendly policy. Oh, really? Y’all ain’t comfortable, yeah? Well, if you’ll allow a rejoinder, so the hell what?
Liberal redneck: If my great granny was still alive, she wouldn’t be comfortable eatin’ cornbread next to a coloured boy. Guess what? She’d have to get her old ass over it! ‘Cause it’s 2016, and that’s a shitty way to be.
Liberal redneck: And why should we care if you’re comfortable, anyway? Have you ever even thought about the comfort of… gay people, black people–hell, me! I’m a non-Christian living in the South, I can’t even go to a god damn potluck without having to thank some space fairy for the broccoli casserole, and honey, it makes me a little uncomfortable! Have you ever cared? I’m guessin’ not, since Nancy Grace never had a hashtag about it.
Liberal redneck: But now you ain’t comfortable, so you’re screamin’ “We gotta boycott Target! [unintelligible]” Well, shiiiet! I hope you realize that Target ain’t even gonna think about givin’ a damn. Target would love for you to waddle your hateful ass over to Wal-mart, that’s where all the Duck Dynasty shit is, anyway! Target don’t want you, American Family Association–which, lastly?–fuck that name. You don’t speak for my family! I got two little boys, man! And I’ve actually thought about the possibility of one of them being gay, or trans gender, and how I would feel, if I knew they had to face the shit that y’all put people through for the sake of your “comfort.” And it pisses me off. So stop tryin’ to pass your bigotry off as a family issue, because–speaking as a father?–that’s bull shit. [pauses] And fuck Nancy Grace, too!
