What do I want? You.
I tried to imagine building a life out with someone new but… I just can’t. I want your laugh. Your signature scent. Your body lotion and that lip scrub. You know, the one you couldn’t stop eating?
I want to discuss movies with you, and recite the poetry I’ve been reading. I want to hear your thoughts on why Phil Dunphy is a bad husband and have you ask me if I see the issue. I want to watch Nana again and again and hear you sing the end credits every time. (Hey Nana, I still think about you every day...)
I want(ed) to marry you. I want(ed) a life with you. Maybe adopt a kid, some cats and live out our lives together in our house. You wanted a home so badly. Do you still want that?
I know we broke up mutually, but it feels a lot like all of my shortcomings were the reason we split. I was really depressed and I saw the writing on the wall about us. I could feel that I was losing you. I am no longer that man and I can't fathom how much you've grown in our time apart either. I still wish you the best every night before I close my eyes.
I just… can’t stop missing you. I look for you in every silver car. I look for you in every ray of light and in the cracks between the pavement. Sometimes, I feel you in the leaves, and I hear your laughter on the wind, but, I can’t ever seem to let my eyes rest upon your soft face. What am I supposed to do with all these photos?
I’m not going to apologize for loving you openly.
I'm not going to apologize for loving you, ever.
Maybe this makes me sound like a common man, but I am not going to apologize for feeling how strongly I do about you. You were the light in my life. My angel. I always told you that you were ethereal and I believe it to this day. You are such a good person, who is more than any of her shortcomings (did you ever even have any?) or bad days. The most intelligent and capable woman I've had the pleasure of knowing intimately.
I love you, weird and off-putting girl.
You wanted eternal devotion.
I keep my promises.
Do my words sound like how my thoughts feel? I write how I think and sometimes it's very... scattered and ambiguous. Uncertain.
Hey, I have a question for you.
Do you actually want to know what I'm up to? I said before that I wanted to stalk your pages but stopped myself at every opportunity because I know if I indulge, I'll obsess. I just thought you were... well... over me? I guess? I thought it was a classic case of "he thought the breakup came out of nowhere but she was miserable for months."
I think that's why I felt so abandoned. I wanted to believe that we were more than that archetype and yet, when I saw you living your life and looking happy without me, I couldn't help but think I had been an idiot man after all.
Do you want to see what I'm up to because you want to see me improving my life? I've been getting real busy with the gym. So many people have told me that I look super slim and, your favorite part, my arms are nice and big again! I've also been working 45-50 hour work weeks and I haven't wanted to die like I thought I would!
Is it because you miss me and like knowing I'm here for your viewing pleasure always? You can follow me if you want to you know. If you don't want me to follow back, you can stay private too. You can deny my requests, you can tell me no however you like.
I just wonder, is it possible that after all this time we might feel the same?
I love you. That's all I do, ya know? Love you. It's been impossible not to over these last eight years. I miss you so bad. I am very happy you're living your life and seeing what new relationships have to offer. I always believed in you.
You owe me nothing on this beautiful green earth, but please, promise me one thing:
don't call him what you used to call me.
