scarletta @novascarletta - Tumblr Blog

I wake up and then wait to sleep again.

Sleep is the best thing about life.

I’ve been abusing my sleep medication to stay asleep for as long as possible.

I just want to sleep forever.

I would try to die but I’m getting grape threats so I’m scared to leave my body hanging on a tree at the moment.

I will wait for the police investigation to end.

And then maybe.

I went looking for four leaf clovers.

All I found were weeds.

I’m so excited to start getting skinny again! I’m not doing it in a disordered way this time, I’m using ozempic. I’m excited to feel comfortable in my own skin again.

Why did I have so much more community when I was trying to starve myself to death? Why is it now when I am trying to recover and live beyond a life of starving and misery I can’t seem to find a group of people to do it with?

Damn I hate how sick most of tumblr is. It feels like the world wants me to self destruct sometimes. I’m going through the worst time of my life and I feel so alone.

Like I feel the world is suffocating me sometimes. But there’s no easy way out. I just fall in and out of life with poor coping mechanisms.

The world feels like a violent place praying that I fall apart.

I got 3 interviews for jobs and then went to none. I didn’t want to work at most of them.

I applied for a job I do actually want - a library assistant position. I hope I get it.

I also got an offer for accommodation I actually want - at CPD. Thank god! Something went right.

I can’t wait to leave this shit hole accommodation living with these awful girls.

It sucks when just when you want to die the world shows you a slither of hope to cling onto.

#vent post #personal vent #tw vent #vent blog #bpd vent #vent #cw vent

I hate showering. I hate seeing my naked body. I am disgusted by it. I feel so ashamed of myself.

Do you have the same questions as I do?

Day 2

Its 11:37 am. I have applied for a bunch of jobs since like 9am. I applied for basically all available jobs within 20km radius. I hope I get a job. I don’t think I will honestly. Tomorrow I will call around different shops in (where I live) and ask if they are hiring.

Will I:

1. Get a job within 25 days?

Or

2. Remain unemployed and depressed.

Only time will tell.

Watch this space!

I fluctuate wildly between wanting to off myself and wanting to create a beautiful life where I thrive.

One day, I want to own a successful business. I want to live in Melbourne. I want to have a beautiful girlfriend. We share a high rise apartment and 2 cats. We wake up together before the day starts and drink matcha while looking over the city. I go to Pilates in the morning and have a personal trainer too.

I am happy.

I don’t have a social media addiction, or a porn addiction, or a food addiction. My life doesn’t centre around what I shouldn’t be doing, it is built off what I love doing. I have a community. I have a group of friends who make me laugh until I cry. They come over for tea on weekends.

I like my body, while also liking food. I am strong and energetic. I move my body just to move my body, not to burn off something I ate an hour ago. I cook because I love to perfect new recipes, not because I obsess about food and calories.

I have a perfect skincare routine and a luxurious bathroom. I have an elegant wardrobe which lights up around the corners to illuminate my prized collection of shoes, dresses, coats, jewellery…

my life is the Pinterest board I put together meticulously 3 years ago.

I have a morning and evening ritual which brings me peace. I don’t live in survival mode. I forgive myself for who I was when I was considering death. I give myself grace for the hurt I’ve caused and bad choices I’ve made.

My mind and body are present in reality. When I walk past a man, my body is calm, my mind untouched. I am not ever fearful - I choose not to live in fear. Except for when I choose to exhilarate myself, I carry myself with peace, I am grounded. My breathing is slow.

I’ve forgiven my family and healed from my traumas. I carry no hate in my heart. I live my life bravely and unapologetically instead of watching others live theirs from the sidelines. I love the beach and spend my weekends sitting by the water. I go ice skating occasionally.

I am happy.

Today

things to live for

getting my scars fixed with a skin graft

moving to CPD

finishing my degree

moving to Melbourne

getting a breast reduction

owning a cat one day

creating a business

I feel so sad. But I can't end my life until I do these things as least. Being positive feels so fake. I don't know how to exist.

day 2

I am unemployed and not studying. What the fuck do I even do today? I just want to sleep today away. I hate my life. I should apply for jobs. Life is disgusting. I hate myself so much. I wish I got cancer and just passed away. How am I so bad at everything.

update on day 1

my day was going really well up until i tried to end myself. I was not ready for how sad vyvanse makes me. I cried for like 2 hours in my clear room and then I started planning how to die. I felt this crushing weight in my heart that I just wanted to put to rest. Then I went out and bought equipment to help me die painlessly. I went to an empty secluded parking lot and chickened out last minute. I decided I was just really tired and wanted to sleep.

I struggle so much with regulating myself and my emotions. They feel so extreme. I am going to start taking creating from today and etc to see it helps. I also want to try saffron, ashwhaganda, and rhodiola. These are apparrently really helpful mood stabilisers. I also want to take half my vyvanse pill in the morning and half at night to prevent a crash happening again.

High and dry by Radiohead makes me cry so hard.

meditation to reconnect with self-love and dissolve self-blame.

Sit comfortably.

Close your eyes and take a slow breath in… and out.

Imagine a soft, warm light glowing in your heart — this is unconditional love.

Whisper gently to yourself: “I am safe now. I am healing. I am worthy of love and respect.”

With every breath, feel this light expanding — filling your body, your mind, and the space around you.

Let go of any harsh inner voices; they are echoes of the past.

Return to your own loving energy. Stay here for a few minutes, breathing in peace.

Cord Cutting Visualisation Meditation

Visualize yourself standing tall, strong, surrounded by golden light.

See energetic cords connecting you to the narcissist — representing control, fear, or dependency.

Say calmly: “I release you. I reclaim my power.”

Gently cut the cords one by one using a beam of light or a symbolic tool (like scissors or a sword).

Watch the energy flow back into your heart, pure and free.

Finish by affirming: “My energy is my own. I am free.”

night time meditation

Purpose: To release rumination and trauma replay before sleep.

As you lie down, imagine any heavy thoughts leaving your body like smoke drifting away.

Repeat:

“The past is over. I am safe to rest. I am free.”

4. Let your breath slow down, and drift into calmness.

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