Her mother said regrets were 'moral residue.' Like something hard to remove got stuck on you when you did something against your better judgment. she didn't understand it at all until she did something wrong, now the residue seems impossible to remove, like an indelible stain on my cerebral cortex. She stared down at the phone in her hands asĀ her finger was hovering over the end call button. She couldnāt call the cops, no - once they found out what she did to get herself into this situation, it would be over for her. She couldnāt call yeeun, jim or mjĀ because she didnāt need to be reminded of how aĀ washout she was so why did she call connorĀ ?
her legs were frozen into place, so she crouched into a crawl and dragged herself towards the edge of the room, as if being in that spot gave her some sort of comfort. ācan you come and get me?āĀ her voice was wobbly, as she stares down at the doorknob in case she had to put the phone away and act as if she was sleeping. āyou remember hannam street, right? iām not asking much just come and leave me at the nearest train station, okay?ā sheāsĀ talking way too fast, maybe too fast for Connor to even catch up. she didnāt have enough time to stay on the phone to answer all his questions heās bound to have.Ā āiāllĀ be outside.ā sheās been in situations like this before but with minor injuries. she couldnāt make it within one footĀ out the small cramped up building without getting caught.āplease.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ thanks for the ramen, but i remember specifically asking for another brand and not thiāā whatās with the look ? āĀ for a split second, yenaās gaze drifted from the hypnotizing sounds & bold colours of tetris on her screen to focus on her friend as her brows were raised. ā ah, right. i forgot. this is your first time visiting me, right ? iām always the one delivering fried chicken to your doorstep. well, welcome to my humble home. want some water..Ā ?Ā ā
Yuri sighed, walking right next to Yena so both could look for the earring together,Ā āGold and itās shaped like a star.ā she explained, suddenly catching on what she said about selling it,Ā āAnd no! You canāt sell it, I got those for my birthday, a dear friend of mine got them for me, thatās whyā¦ I need to find it. What if I see my friend one of these days and they ask me about them? Thatād be so embarrassing!ā
āis thi- ah no, that was just a leaf.ā she shrugs her shoulders before going ahead of her once again.Ā āa friend? this friend seems special. couldnāt you just say thatĀ ... needed the extra money? i can do it for you, if youād like.ā
ā ā * ā” āthe tense air settled on them,Ā her fingers still wrapped tightly around the wallet and her gaze fixed on her best friend.Ā if she was tired, yena was definitely far beyond that. the exhaustion was wearing down her pretty features and she looked worse than the last time sheād had met her at the police station. almost instinctively her hand was reaching for her, wanting to brush away the strand of her hair dangling in front of her eyes, giving her a tight hug and asking her if she needed help. but she stopped half-way and slowly retreated. perhaps, she still needed some time and she shouldnāt force herself on her like that. she knew that sometimes she was a little too much and that not everyone wanted to have her around her, and yena definitely made it clear the last time they met. and instead of asking her what had happened and forcing her to stay here so she could take care of her, this time she just walked to the closet in complete silence, taking out some blankets and fresh clothes before opening a drawer, locking the wallet in it and opening another one to take out some cash.Ā ā yena, iām not angry with you for taking my money, you can have it all if you need it.ā she said, placing the pile of blankets with the money on the top into her arms.Ā ā and you donāt even need to tell me why you need it. but itād be nice if you talked to me if you need some help instead of breaking into my house.ā her tone wasnāt reproachful, but she was hiding her disappointment behind her soft smile. āi meanā¦ i thought weāre friends, best friends actually, and if you do that i feel like iām some stranger to you.ā she then moved away from her, just like she told her to.Ā ā you can stay here if you want, talk to me about what happened or not, iāll be next door. you can ignore me, i donāt care as long as youāre fine. but if you wish to leave, please take the blankets and clothes with you and at least buy some food with the money i gave you, you donāt look well and iām worried about you, yena.ā
she was right. they were best friends and as her best friend, she couldnāt keep on doing this. it was hurting her and it was hurting yena. she didnāt know what was in store for her tomorrow or if there really was a future for her.Ā It was the giggles that were the sails upon their boat, the laughter, the smiles. they saw the funny in everything and that was their bond. they could be serious too; they loved others deeply and more than is generally accepted... so she guess the humor was how they let out the tension that kind of love brings. In those silly moments, they were perfect, and she is the sweetness she needed in rough times. That's what a best friend does... it's the love that makes doors in emotional brick walls, the love that makes everything possible. she couldnāt be using her like this.. not after that. āno - iām sorry. i canāt. you can take those stuff back.ā as much as she wanted to accept this; she couldnāt. she needed to work for this money and it was now at this moment, she shouldnāt be depending on others for their love and support - especially financially.Ā ā i didnāt past my board exam.Ā ā she sat on the edge of the bed, fiddling with her fingers as if it gave her some sense of comfort.Ā ā i studied for five years for that test. everyday. i cancelled plans, i ruined friendships and relationships for that test and this is what i get? what did i do wrong? am i whatās wrong? am i really that broken?ā she bites her tongue, trying to hold the tears that threatened to leave her eyes. And that's when she couldnāt hold them back anymore. First, one small crystal bead escapes from my right eye. I can feel the warmth, sliding down my cheek, and rolling off my chin. Then another. And another. Until my eyes flood with them, coming like rainfall. Sniffing every ten seconds, they fall, and fall, and she lets them.ā iĀ quit my job the day before the exam because iĀ thought i wasnāt going to fail, i just wasnāt. i was going to be a doctor.. but then - when i got the results.. i knew i fucked up. i fuck up everything and thatās not okay. iām not okay. āĀ
scarlett was probably having as much fun as the other girl just by watching. she couldnāt help but laugh occasionallyĀ as yena kept on showing her excitement for her little surprise. ā chip it is then! youāre officially a mom.Ā āĀ her lips curled into a smile, nodding gently.Ā ā yep, i was volunteering at the animal shelter today and i got a little too attached to him so i was like why not? but then i rememberedĀ we arenāt allowed pets where i live āĀ so here i am.Ā āĀ she shrugged, even if she wasnāt sure if the other was listening, she still shared the whole story.Ā ā wow ā¦ you really are enjoying this, arenāt you? i knew you had a soft side! ā pointing her finger at her as if she had just been caught.Ā
ā me and you are gonna be together forever, okay chip ?Ā ā it was silly and childish for her to talk to an animal - especially a dog. but she didnāt care. it wasnāt like scarlett was going to make fun of her.Ā ā volunteering? are they paying you? how much?Ā ā of course knowing yena she had to bring in money in all of her convos.āyeah yeah whatever - donāt think just because you gave me this little fur ball that iām going to go all soft on you.ā
āmaybe you werenāt her favourite, whatever.ā he spoke in a dismissive tone.Ā āi stopped giving a shit about her a long time ago, iām not going to start again now.ā mj was in denial for a long time after his mother left him, always believing she would come back and want him again. after so long, he just gave up, and promised that he would leave her, and everything else from that life, behind. he would just forget and never think about it. it had worked, up until yena came back into his life. it was like everything had just come back to hit him tenfold, and all the while, he had been the bad guy? it was overwhelming to say the least.Ā āi justā¦ā he sighs.Ā āi donāt want you to stand here and think youāre the only one who suffered because of that woman. you have no idea what kind of hell foster home is, and i only lived with our mother until i was seven, so i donāt know your shit, either.ā mj didnāt want yena to think he had it better. he wasnāt sure why; who takes pride in having a shitty childhood? but he supposed he was probably still being defensive from her being so mad at him. mj still felt slightly uncomfortable, suddenly having a sister was enough to shake up anybody, but he had never felt the desire to make an effort with anyone more than with yena.Ā āof course we will, itās in our genes.āĀ
āyou donāt have too. sheās dead, anyways.ā her motherās death didnāt necessarily break yena but it did shatter a pieceĀ of her heart. she knew her mom was going to die if the drugs didnāt take her away first. she told herself not to be hurt and yet she still shed tears.Ā ā letās not talk about this anymore - itās all in the past right?Ā ā she didnāt like bringing up the past in convos and yet here she was. it was already hard enough for her to even talk about the awful memories she went through. it was already hard enough for her to keep those memories in the back of her mind.Ā ācan i ask you something ?Ā - you donāt have to answer it if you donāt want to but ..Ā how have you been getting along all these years ?ā
i know i havenāt been very active in the past few days and i am very sorry for that !Ā schoolās been stressing me out with tons of projects and iāve been coming home tired a lot !Ā consider this a STARTER CALL. if we plotted and we donāt have a thread like this or if you just want a thread w either jaehyun, dean or yena please like ! i will get to them tmrw b/c i had a long ass day and iām ready to fall asleep !
LWhen you resonate your mind with your soul, you will learn to live through a love that is so honest it is raw. In the beginning, you will be as a child in the wintry wind, pulling clothes around tight, seeking shelter; yet hold on. For in time you will be as the child in the most ambient of gardens, enchanted by the blooms, laughing with a joy that leaps and twirls. So be brave and grow big, grow strong by having faith in your own heart to be your guide. And, love, should you ever need a light and there are none, you can be your own; flood your system with the love that runs in your veins and let it shine bright.
EPIPHANYĀ BY BTS JIN -Ā āĀ I may be a bit blunt, I may lack some things I may not have that shy glow around me But this is me My arms, my legs, my heart, my soul I wanna love in this world Me, who shines, my precious soul Now I finally realize, so I love me Though I may lack, Iām so beautiful Iām the one I should love ā
MONEY, POWER AND GLORY BY LANA DEL REY -Ā āĀ The sun also rises on those who fail to call My life, it comprises of losses and wins and fails and fallsĀ ā
SADDERDAZE BY THE NEIGHBORHOOD - ā Dirty fingernails, same as your mind But he could strum the guitar just fine Every now and then he'd think about his life Daydreamin' just to pass the timeĀ ā
IDONTWANNABEYOUANYMORE BY BILLIE ELISH -Ā āTell the mirror what you know she's heard before I don't wanna be you anymore.āĀ āHands, hands getting cold Losing feeling's getting old Was I made from a broken mold? Hurt, I can't shake We've made every mistakeā
SORRY BY HALSEY -Ā āDon't realize how mean I can be 'Cause I can sometimes treat the people That I love like jewelry Cause I can change my mind each day I didn't mean to try you onāĀ āSo I'm Sorry to my unknown lover Sorry that I can't believe that anybody ever really Starts to fall in love with meā
ALL I WANT BY KODALINE -Ā āBut If you loved me Why did you leave me Take my body Take my body All I want is All I need is To find somebody I'll find somebody ā
LET YOU DOWN BY NF -Ā āFeels like we're on the edge right now I wish that I could say I'm proud I'm sorry that I let you down Let you down All these voices in my head get loud I wish that I could shut them outā
IF YOU WANT LOVE BY NF -Ā āI just need some time, I'm tryna think straight I just need a moment in my own space Ask me how I'm doin', I'll say "okay, " yeah But ain't that what we all say? Sometimes I think back to the old days In the pointless conversations with the old me Yeah, back when my momma used to hold meā
SO COLD BY BEN COCKS -Ā āOh, you can't hear me cry See my dreams all die From where you're standing On your own. It's so quiet here And I feel so cold This house no longer Feels like home.ā
BROTHER BY KODALINE -Ā āĀ Though we don't share the same blood
You're my brother and I love you that's the truth We're living different lives Heaven only knowsĀ If we'll make it back With all our fingers and our toes 5 years, 20 years, come backĀ It will always be the same if I was dying on my knees You would be the one to rescue me And if you were drowned at sea I would give you my lungs so you could breathe I've got you brotherā
weāve taken different paths.
and traveled different roads.
i know weāll always end up on the same one when weāre old.
ā¦
and if we hit troubled water
iāll be the one to keep you warm and safe.
and weāll be carrying each other
until we say goodbye on our dying day.
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