all i have to say is that i know my character, the people who actually know me know my character, and Allah knows the content of my heart. i have and will continue to apologize sincerely to anyone who i have ever harmed, but the frequently mean-spirited behavior exhibited in this community—the punitive, hateful disposition of so-called antiracists; the refusal to give grace to those learning in public; the insistence that all behavior regardless of scale stems from malice; the disproportionate responses and mob mentality—means nothing to me. this is a hobby; i, like you, am human and not infallible.
it’s very easy to claim you’re opposed to racism. it’s easy to call other people and things “racist.” it’s easy to toss around words like “colonizer,” even if you yourself should know the weight of them. it’s easy to accuse other people of color, other colonized peoples, of abetting “racism.” it’s another matter entirely to do the incredibly hard, complex work of constructing positive change which can actually address the roots of racism—particularly the messy, unintentional, implicit kinds. that requires patience and judgement, a willingness to listen and differentiate, all skills some people need to practice. i suspect tumblr.com is not the place, currently anyway.
i believe in transparence and honesty, so i’m not going to pretend none of this is happening. i’m not going to ignore the comments and criticism—or excuse those allegations which might have been valid. that being said, i refuse to provide an outlet for those who can’t stomach talking to people directly so they may anonymously deposit the vile, presumptuous things that occur to them. i have felt unsafe in my life—many times, in many different situations, since i was eight years old running to save my mother’s life during a violent attack—and i have never once been made to feel unsafe by a roleplay. perhaps that’s my privilege. if anyone has felt unsafe in crowns, then know this is my reference point, and i’m unspeakably sorry you felt that way. it was never our intention to make anyone feel even uncomfortable for any reason and, by countable numbers, we’ve done a decent job.
i can’t say what decisions will be made about the roleplay in the coming days; there isn’t much by way of specific problems to address in this wave of criticisms. however, i know the priority is our community, as it always is. i imagine the intention among those involved today is to chase everyone off of tumblr entirely—that was the purpose of sharing personal blogs, right? blocking is one thing; hateful messages are more effective because they actually hurt—but i have admittedly been drifting away for a while.
i sincerely hope the people involved find peace and resolution in all of this. i hope that, in the messages you’ve sent and statements you’ve made, you have fed yourself what you need to move on. i hope it has been productive and healing, though i can’t imagine from my own perspective how that might be the case.
in sum, this has been a kind of journal entry—perhaps more productive and healing that i expected!—and i feel better now, able to sleep. if you’ve decided that you can’t stand to see my posts or be associated with me any longer, then i get it; i won’t begrudge you unfollowing or blocking me. this blog is more a storage space for me, anyway.
