hello probably disregard the last ask for my sake thank you and sorry for so many asks (just ignore if you want me to stop, i won't take offence)
unfortunately i have fallen victim to rpf... i miss kc25... i think i just have a strange liking for things that have ended. any thoughts at all on not very healthy targaliste or a bit more wholesome yicanna/cake (which whilst not entirely gone, seems a lot less prevalent this year)?
Whipped out my laptop to reply to this one that's how you know it's SERIOUS. I too miss KC25 so so much everyone should've been awful to each other forever. Everyone should've been good to each other forever. What's that quote about love not being enough to save us...?
I have & have had about a kazillion thoughts on Targaliste of course. In line with my long-lived affinity for dead dove my detailed thoughts include elements of grooming, which I'll put under the cut in case you don't want to read about that. I don't like that they met when Caliste was 15 or 16 and Targamas was 21 or 22. I don't like that Targamas specifically picked Caliste to play with. I don't like that Caliste and Targamas lived together in 2025 and left the office early together and that Targamas would bring Caliste crêpes and beer at like 2am while Caliste watched MSI. By I don't like I mean I'm making myself upset with my own RPF. In other words:
I think it's fucked up! All of it! That Targamas was enmeshed in Caliste's life in a way that could never ever have been good for Caliste; that Caliste was obviously drawn to him because of the familiarity of sharing a language; that there's never been a point in their relationship where Caliste wouldn't have been way too young; etc, etc. I think the Targaliste "narrative" is like, one RPF away from being purely grooming (contacting a teenager through the internet, staying in contact, living with him once he's removed from the family home, being in a close and nearly exclusive (of the outside world) relationship). I think Caliste did love Targamas in a way he rarely feels because he's profoundly solitary (whether voluntarily or not) and he allowed him in, but nobody else (to the same degree). And I don't think of Targamas as a preferrential offender---in fact barely of a deliberate one at all---I think he was careless and either overstepped or allowed Caliste to overstep, whichever way you prefer the awfulness. IMO There's no true way to look at Targaliste without having to dip your toes in how terrible it would be. Caliste only turned 19 by the time Targamas was basically on his way out of his day-to-day life.
There's also a really strange cyclical element here, with Targamas alluding to "the big brother of his big brother's best friend" who was 10 years older than him when he was 14 (maybe, he doesn't remember how old he was!) who contacted him and was the person with whom he started playing his first tournaments. I loled. Let's all suffer and die quietly. We are all evil for being alive.
I do affectionate Targaliste a lot despite all of this they're a pairing I dedicated a lot of brain power to over my time in this fandom. I think there was a great reciprocated tenderness. I think they were both difficult and headstrong and liked each other for it. I think Caliste is full of fear and Targamas is full of hurt and they made each other's lives sweeter. I think it would've been better for everyone if they didn't!
Also; I'll take the hint and not ask again if you don't want to but it'd be so cool to DM either here or on Discord I miss talking RPF with people. I'll keep replying to asks regardless! But pleaseeee don't feel shy or embarrassed to I don't bite and I love chatting always. Thank you for your ask ^___^
hello i couldn't sleep so i did a little sketch of girliste as, i guess, an offering of sorts..? the likeness isn't super there but i hope there's some sort of resemblance. imgur /a/nOhZmkH (or catbox /xf2fgj.jpeg/) thanks for giving me things to gnaw on
Sorry I have to ignore the later ask to disregard this is SOOOOO GOOOOODDDDDD My girl oh my God… She’s so cute… If only Caliste knew the world would become 10000000% better if she transitioned
@ Anon I’ll reply in a sec I’m getting my ass beat by heatwave + forgot to take meds + slept at 6? am wombo combo but I’m delighted by the asks you send!!!! Never stop please mwah
Recognition emerges inside of him as in the unfolding of events eerily similar to those of a half-remembered dream, each sensation not itself but its own echo, reverberating through the cavernous spaces of the neocortex. Delicate electrical processes. Caliste's bony fingers twitch around his wrists, clench-unclench. His face is pinched, shuttered, bitterly familiar now that playing through the split feels like walking an endless road milestoned only by disappointments. Vladi's brain finally articulates signals into comprehensible morphemes.
You know how this ends.
"You have enough?" Caliste asks, all anger and contempt. His mouth stays half-open, after. Showing teeth, like a frightened dog about to strike. His spine is one long arcuate line over Vladi, and if it wasn't for his weight trapping him down Vladi would sweep a hand over its strange knobbly ridge, his vile propensity for tactile learning.
"No," Vladi scowls, despite himself. His body is overwarm and tense with the urge to flee. "Fuck you," he adds, for good measure.
Caliste scoffs. Vladi knows it's because this is what got them here in the first place, his back pressed to the cold floor of their deserted workroom and Caliste leaning over him with his thighs framing Vladi's middle, a pretense at pretend-fighting the both of them understand is about something uglier, about the amorphous animals trapped in their ribcages and the instincts that are native to and nest in their hindbrains. He squirms, struggles against Caliste's grip; Caliste presses him down with a surprising amount of strength.
"Stop fighting," Caliste growls. His eyes are empty and plastic, black-on-black of the adrenaline-wide pupils pushing back against the dark of his irises, jittering in their orbits like he's searching for something in Vladi's face.
"Then stop fucking holding me," Vladi snaps back. Like that'd be enough to pacify him; like this isn't the necessary cresting of months of frustration, and he isn't tired of running, and he doesn't want to show teeth, too, just this agonizing once, to crawl back to his place when this is over with the sense of finally having fended for himself, that caustic satisfaction of knowing he can make himself lethal.
He plants his feet on the ground under him, tries to buck Caliste off in a strong lurch that unbalances Caliste momentarily. He leans on his hands to anchor himself, crushing Vladi's bones together in a way that makes him yelp in pain.
"This is all your fault," Caliste says after righting himself, vicious like he doesn't only mean the ache in Vladi's wrists, and Vladi goes still.
Bursts of shame needle at his skin in waves and something else underneath opens wide, a final and inevitable collapse, like a sinkhole caving in. He feels cold and wet with sweat all over, sickly. Disavowal comes to him instinctively; the words stick to the inside of his throat like a bite of food half-swallowed.
The truth, which the selfsame electrical processes supply to him helplessly, autonomously, is that he was never built for this, the harshness and the egocentrism; that he's a nauseatingly gregarious being driven by the pathetic need to be please, and that he's wanted to please Caliste for years, to be worthy of him. He shakes his head for fear of what he'd say if he spoke instead, wriggles his body weakly against the floor.
Calise's expression twists suddenly. He looks like he's going to cry, like he hates the fact of crying more than he does Vladi seeing it; like he's younger than Vladi's ever seen him and this isn't what he was made for, either, it's just that he's better at keeping nature at bay than him.
"You always." Caliste starts, clicks his tongue. His voice wavers when he speaks. "You do this to me. You make me so angry. I don't want to be angry at you, but you make me."
His hands loosen around Vladi's, soft in a way he's never felt him. Vladi knows he'd be pulling at his bracelets if he wasn't still sitting on him like this. He wants to thrash under him and scream, get another cruel rise out of him for the sake of not letting them see each other like this, unwound and complicated. Doesn't. Only blinks at him, frozen, afraid beyond fear, as Caliste brings his head close, still watching him.
You know, you know, you know.
"Don't do it," Vladi says, pleads.
Caliste kisses him anyway.
Vladi exhales. Breathes in. Closes his eyes, surrendering at last. Caliste's fingers brush the length of his arms lightly as he drags them to his face, pressing into the angle of his jaw, the soft give of his cheeks. He feels himself in layers, dismantled, incohesive; yields to the one that wants to touch Caliste's side under his clothes instead of the one that wants to push him away and run.
"Just be good for me," Caliste says after a moment. Pulling away. Slow, gentle.
Vladi chases him blindly, then opens his eyes again. Sees the way Caliste's T-shirt rides up to his navel when he pulls his hoodie off. There's a brand new kind of ache inside of him, a brand new kind of lack; one he understands he's not meant to survive and will have to despite.
He's about to ask what Caliste means when Caliste brings his fingers to his lips, tentative. Humiliation blooms white-hot at his center, unfurls its searing offshoots through his chest. He grits his teeth for a long second. Finally gives in, trying to forget himself. He's slammed back into his own bones by the low sound Caliste makes, the salt of his skin, the hardness of his nails when he slides his tongue over them.
"I want you," Caliste whispers, curling himself over Vladi's body, chest-to-chest, lips pressing against the side of Vladi's neck, the tender point behind his ear. "Please don't make me lose you."
I won't, Vladi wants to promise. He keeps his mouth sealed over Caliste's fingers instead. Billions of neurons rapid-firing, always coming to the same hopeless conclusion; his heart the trapped animal, a frightened bird, its frantic wingbeats against his sternum.
One day when I'm not as ill anymore I'll write a Tenet-adjacent Vladiliste AU. That old ache the cruelty the hurt. The love and the fingers against the jutting of his spine, too. It's meant to be, not because it has to happen but because it already has. I'll see you at the beginning, he says, and you know you're never going to see him again. You know you're going to see him again. He's going to see you for the first time and, years later, you're going to see him for the first time, too. You'll never walk along the same timeline—him going forward, inexorably soaring towards extinction; you going backward, to catch him before he's himself. It matters that your paths cross, that they'll never stop crossing. It matters more than anything
This naturally reminds me of some of the mechanics of parental abuse, right, how sometimes you mold yourself around notions of guilt and responsibility ("I am to blame for the abuse I'm suffering") to make sense of and survive incomprehensible violence ("why is someone who's supposed to love me and care for me scaring me and hurting me?"). I'm not asserting anything with certainty here either (because I don't even have partial conjecturable proof of this, just behavioral indications) but it is strange to me that someone who's been characterized as "difficult to work with" wouldn't pounce on the occasion to be, well, difficult. And I've already theorized that what people really meant by difficult were habits that stemmed from stunted/poor normative development (bedtimes, emotional regulation, respect or lack thereof of the hierarchy) so maybe it's an overcorrection, trying so hard not to lash out he accepts things as they're told and works on them instead (the nauseating number of games he played in spring). Just stuff to chew on if you're ill in the brain
hello i have been told i cant send links in asks but these are all twitter posts (sorry i don't have a great way to share)
/c_anna____/status/2047701664380174686 , /c_anna____/status/2047701993461059865 (both from kc instagram story iirc) , /kcmelomini/status/2052424729022152765 (clipped from karmine life)
noticing the fact that caliste doesn't even look at him...
I wish I could :walterjoy: react these clips holy shit I had to grit my teeth through the heartache. Who did WE play. Did WE win. He was supposed to be part of KC forever… He’s so overeager to talk and interact and joke around it pains me more than a little. What also pains me terribly: the fact that it feels like Canna tolerates him and Yike humors him at best. But I may be #projecting. Who knows!
All this being said I think that this is a demonstration of one of the most fascinating aspects of Vladi’s social modus operandi at work which I had already somewhat detailed in DMs with my friend Yu 👇
Other messages about this are all over the place so I won’t share them through screenshots but the gist of it is (and I have also probably already said so in a handful of posts over here but I always forget): Vladi wants friends and likes having friends so bad. He’s still young but I think he has missed out on—and (subconsciouly) perceives that he has missed out on—a “regular” late childhood-teenagehood where he would’ve gotten to hang out with friends and do stupid shit all day (which he spent being online talking to Discord friends playing League all the time instead), and this drive to talk and talk and talk and cling and being kind of awkward about it all is the result of being undersocialized and lacking the finesse that years of having practiced having friends usually results in. In other words: he wants to hang out so bad! He wants to be around people and have a good time! And it hurts me. How clearly he’s reaching for it. And how bad he is at it also!
Now re: Caliste not even looking at him I loled and then I serioused (I gritted my teeth again). My horrendous hounds my wretched creatures. My chest aches it’s seriously vertiginous how profound of a rift the implosion of KC25 has created between them. How one sided it is! I think Vladi would have no qualms at all talking to Caliste again but there’s a kind of leftover hurt or bitterness in Caliste that I can barely even put into words. Vladi would have every right to absolutely detest Caliste for how awful Caliste was towards him but he doesn’t! And it just doesn’t make sense to me (in that there has to have been a degree of abnormal enmeshment for this to happen) that Caliste would end up perceiving Vladi as the single determinator in KC’s late 2025 failures and that he would resent him, uniquely and specifically him, to the point that he’s barely even cordial towards him a year later! If I could ask Caliste one question and he had to answer as truthfully and extensively as possible I would ask what he’d felt towards Vladi for the disappointment and hurt to be so immense. Orrrr if he’s ever thought about being a girl before. Sorry yaoi world
hello (sorry i'm basically just using the ask function as anonymous messages) the new fnatic vlog made me remember those clips of vladi hanging out with the kc boys during the kc roadtrip last month... have you seen them... any thoughts...
Hi again ^____^ To be completely honest I forgot LEC teams even did that this statement includes Fnatic unfortunately. But I just checked out the last two FNC vlogs and smiled… God bless Anisah’s soul she went from watching over one dumbass midlaner to another personally I would’ve killed them but that’s just me. I was going to say something else but froze because I remembered I could’ve been at that KC roadtrip and didn’t go because of [insert reasons]. God knew I couldn’t be trusted in Vladi’s vicinity and decided to afflict me with [insert reasons]. What the hell.
To answer your question NO I HAVEN’T SEEN THEM. BUT I WOULD! HAVE THOUGHTS. I already have thoughts based on that premise only. Why was he there instead of literally anywhere else lol? Where’s your team little boy? He got one taste of strong irl friendships and immediately became addicted. Very good stuff. Also you bet I’m salivating @ the idea of Vladi mildly irritating Caliste just by existing around him
hello i am very interested in the concept of 'girliste' as well as reading your thoughts. not particularly sure on how to put that into a question sorry
OH MY GOD… HI… I could talk about her for hours I swear. She was born from mostly me making shit up + devastating pictures of Caliste nails (which you’ve probably already seen if you’ve perused my girliste tag but just in case 👇)
A long while ago my friend Yu and I discussed a hypothetical transition timeline which tl;dr has Caliste “officially” (to the general public) coming out circa 2030-2031 but unearthing her sense of self some time around 2028. This timeline (which really just belonged to an AU) foretold (parts of) 2026 Worlds taking place in Los Angeles—so you’ll understand I’m counting down the time now…
This is essentially more of a Real Person Fact headcanon than an AU (one can dream). Despite my general KC dislike now in my heart I hold a lot of tenderness for her and her really strange tics (does she know we can see her face move like that). Back when all I thought about was Vladi I conjectured that part of her cruelty towards him drew from the dull, deep-rooted feeling of unease that’s dysphoria’s lot, the way one’s naturally more irritable when in pain. Stuff like having been a shy lonely child with very few friends resonates as well, then her deciding to “take care of (herself) more as a way to give back to people who helped (her)”. Estrogen would change her life!
Of course, it goes without saying that the esports scene right now (and the world at large) is extremely transmisogynistic so, you know. The devastatingly violent response to SK Avarosa’s roster announcement unfortunately highlighted that. I don’t expect anything but I’m still waiting around. I guess it is better to hope that the world will become a kinder place to trans women in the upcoming years…
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