i’ll come running, to tie your shoes.

arlo / 18 i think i’m good at writing lucifer loves me

[nvr-past20]

i hope my mother was able to find her light

because she can tell me i’m hers

but the lack of light in her eyes

tells me otherwise

i hope she is able to become an electrician

a singer

a rancher

a girl

a woman

i hope she doesn’t look at me and see a thief of her dreams

i hope she see’s me and see’s how sorry i am

[nvr-past20]

“oh mother, i can feel. the soil falling over my head”

and as i stare into the body you gave me

i realize

im filled with dread

the body you loved, the body you birthed, the body you clothed and nursed

lying dead in a casket, being lowered alone

a body alone since birth

i’m sorry my mother

though as im lowered into the ground, awaiting my trial of afterlife. hoping to see you once again

to explain to you that i did not mean to let you down

to once again, in your love and judgment suffer.

as my body and the features you gifted me and held so close to you, left for the hounds

the gods may have forsaken you, by making me your child in every life. but they have blessed mine, for making you my mother.

forget the lord, forgive me mother, for i have sinned in your eyes

give me another chance to be your child

[nvr-past20]

break my hands.

break my back.

beat my eyes black.

i am no use.

what am i

what am i if my hands no longer provide yours with warmth

what am i if my back can no longer support the weight of your problems

what am i if my eyes are no longer the ones you fell in love with

what am i if just no use to you

i have no purpose if you do not provide me with it.

[nvr-past20]

to exist without you is to betray the laws of physics.

the law that states energy cannot be created nor destroyed.

because when i am without you, i am destroyed

if i cannot feel your touch then every atom that i am made of

is pulverized.

i am nothing.

-

to exist without you is to betray the laws of physics.

the law that states energy cannot be created nor destroyed.

the law that only otherworldly powers can break

you are not from here, but i belong with you

i belong with you and i know it

i feel it

[nvr-past20]

i look back on moments exchanged between my father and i.

"such a naive child" my father and i would say, while looking down on me.

but as i grow older i don't think that i was naive nor stupid. i was a child who yearned for the love and attention of father who did not want to provide me with that.

i was not stupid for wanting love, instead, i was stupid for thinking i was deserving of it.

[nvr-past20]

you are only every age once, cherish all of them

[nvr-past20]

whenever i think back to the memories i shared with you, i think about how i’ll never be able to relive them again.

i think about how i’ll never see your smile, i’ll never hear your laugh, i’ll never hold your hand again.

i think about how i’ll never hear you yell during our arguments again, i’ll never feel your nails clawing into the skin on my forearm, i’ll never hear the words that you laced with venom and love…come out of your mouth again.

whenever i think back to the memories i shared with you, i think about how i never want to relive them again.

these memories eat at me, decomposing my body fully before it reaches the first stage of death. its an agonizing wait. waiting for these memories to slowly kill me, even though my heart still pumps blood. keeping me alive although given no reason to.

so i wait.

and i will continue to wait until my body deteriorates with the memory of you.

i will kill myself in order to get you out of my system.