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The end and the beginning

I don't know honestly how to start this blog

To cut the story short, I broke up

Today has been 8 days since the break up

After 2 years and 7 months, we have decided to part ways, and I have never in my life experienced such gut wrenching, heart breaking, body-aching breakup. The pain is so great to the point where I feel physically weak

The first night of the breakup, I really couldn't sleep. Stole only a wink or two, I believe I only slept for 30 minutes and went to work after. It was the overthinking.. the crying.. that feeling of.. loss

We were on the verge of breakup so many times, but there's just something about this one that felt.. final. We were going back and forth whether to get a clean break or just go back together

I wanted to go back to this person I called home, there was no other option for me. That person was my everyday for 2 years and I am so so so lazy and mostly tired to even get to know somebody new. I was willing to put in the work, I even offered to do the things the person asked of me and change, but then they came back with the answer that they needed time to think

I came across this post online that said, "if they really want to make it work, they will find ways. If not, they will find excuses" and that is exactly how I viewed this whole situation

It just got really clear that they did not want to resume this relationship and make it work. but then again, I tried to look at it from their point of view, and honestly I get it.

It's just a lot of work on their side, when they were so used to freedom. Funny how when we started, they said I was everything that they ever wanted. That they wanted forever with me. and here's where the lesson to never trust words comes in.

I loved that person, I still do. They are inevitably and indefinitely a part of me and if I have lost them romantically, at least I will try to never lose them in friendship. They were my world and they will always be a part of my world

I genuinely hope that they find what they are looking for. In a partner, and in life. Even though I am not the one, just seeing them happy and fulfilled is enough for me to go on with life

I was not looking for love when I met them, but how funny is the universe in making me lose them when I loved them the most. When I got so comfortable and when I felt most at home

and just because this happened, I am trying to learn to never give up on love. There is that feeling of.. "I've had enough" for sure, but realistically, there must be someone out there for me who would think that I am enough

I hope so

Raya, 2024

Hi peeps

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin

This year's raya is... different. We only celebrated for one day, at least for me and my parents. My other siblings are still out and about for Raya. It's true when they say time life stops for nobody..

Mom is on festive holiday hospital leave for a few days and to be honest she's not doing that great. She was active for max 2 hours on the first day and then she was already exhausted.. and let me tell you.. getting her out of bed, giving her a shower and dressing her up on the first day was no easy feat. Thank God for my dad. I guess nobody really knows the struggle that we both face except each other

and it does get lonely. You feel the physical and mental exhaustion and I try to get through it all by disassociating and honestly thats the best thing that I could come up with to deal with it all. I can't imagine how it is with my dad - may Allah assist him and reward him immensely. My siblings all got lives of their own but I still think that it's bullshit for them not to at least participate in doing the physical work in taking care of our mom every time they come to visit. Total bullshit

Nobody likes hard work. I get it. But there's a difference between choice and necessity and if people can't differentiate that, don't even start a family for God's sake. I don't think they're fit enough

I had a cousin who visited mom yesterday and I never thought the words she spoke to me were the words that I wanted to hear for a long time. "Allah will reward you inshaAllah for all your hard work in taking care of your mom" and it hit my heart in a way I never thought it could. If only she knew how firm I was with my mom, how I am at times so impatient with her... but right then and there I gained a new perspective. Allah chose me for a reason and He knows I am brimming with sins and He presented me with this opportunity to be on his good side, and I can't possibly take this for granted. And there I found my purpose.

It's just that I feel like everybody around me is demanding so much of me. My family, my partner, my work & my friends. I am surrounded but I never felt so lonely in my life. I guess what they lack is understanding, understanding what I am going through and how they feel like they have a right over me and their disappointment when I can't deliver

It is exhausting

Looking at my mom, and looking back at all the years when she was healthy, I can't help but feel like an utter fool. How I am so disappointed with myself. How I took those years for granted and how I wish I could have them back and do it right this time around. But alas, life is so unforgiving and this is the lesson that I'm supposed to learn in this life

This Hari Raya, I just wish and pray that there are more years and more Raya to spend with Mom and Dad and with their health in top condition. May we all never take moments for granted again..

thehopefulquotes

“I fall in love myself, and I want someone to share it with me. I want someone to share me, with me.”

— Eartha Kitt, All by Myself: The Eartha Kitt Story (1982)

whendidmythoughtsgocrazy

“What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” The boy asks. The horse replies, “Help”.

k.b. // the boy, the mole, the fox and the horse - short movie

Fare thee well, 2023

Aaah..

Yeah exactly. That's the first thing I said out loud when I tried to think about 2023 in retrospect

Can you believe that it's only a few days until 2024? I have not even finished processing half of 2023 let alone entering a new year..

Honestly I have no idea how I dealt with this year - mostly giving myself the peptalk cause girl can't depend on no one for that. You gotta kick your own ass, sometimes. I lied. It's most of the time.

Because truth be told, it's you against yourself 90% of the time. You can't choose the environment nor the situation you're in but you can, at least, control the way you react to it. (Trust me, in my head, I've been on rampages a few times)

Looking back on 2023, it was a roller coaster. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Hold on, scratch that. It felt like being thrown in a fucking washing machine and being told not to scream - but eventually seeing light in the end

Yeah. Exactly like that.

I feel like I was thrown in situations so uncomfortable that I didn't get to tell that it was uncomfortable - it was more like God throwing stuff at me and told me to deal with it - and I did.

See, that's the thing. I never thought I had it in me to handle all of those things thrown at me. I used to think, nah that's not gonna happen to me. I used to think I GET to choose, but the universe said otherwise, obviously.

I lost a friend this year to Cancer. We used to be so close but my God, it was really a wake up call how fragile life is. How short life is! May Allah rest her soul amongst the beloved – really puts into perspective the things that we think are important in this life

I also lost a friendship that I really valued and tried so hard to keep this year. But I guess, one can only get hurt so much, so this one had to bite the dust. I'll cherish all the memories, for sure, but I believe wholeheartedly that we would be better off out of each others' lives and I wish her all the best

On a positive note, I went on two vacations this year - Kuching in July and KL & Penang in December. Where did I get the money with all the expenses on my car that I had to pay for this year? hahaha God indeed works in mysterious ways

and when they say people show their true colours when you live or travel with them, it is so true and I learned a lot in that regard and it did build my patience and get my mind blocking game strong

and as a cherry on top, my sister decided to give birth while I was away. Sister of the year goes to....? Yours truly. I have a new nephew ya'll and it is such a lovely addition to our family and even more lovely way to end the year - baby screams. I'm kidding. He's a good boy.

I don't know, but I feel like my mind went through a lot of shifts and lots of tweaking here and there throughout this year. I definitely learned a lot and it has definitely helped shape my character. Have I transformed into a better person? Not really. I really do feel like I am still a work in progress and I have gotten better in some areas more than the others, and other parts I feel, I have not started on or even identify them yet.. maybe I will next year?

I also learn that having people who love you and accept you as you are is hugely underrated - you need it and it makes this whole life journey more bearable. Those who feel your joy and your pain - those count, and I wish everybody has at least this one person in their lives.

Watching my parents grow old was really the highlight of this year, I feel. They played a major part in opening my eyes this year. I have taken for granted a lot of things - the way I would get mad how my mom would bang my door to call me for dinner every night - I don't get to experience that anymore. Mom can barely walk let alone walk to my door. A lot of things. How the tables have turned. How they have become so dependent on me now

Now I'm the one who has to call for dinner - to bring dinner to them. To worry if they have anything to eat while I'm away for work etc. I'm less worried now because my sister's home at least for a few months

There were moments where I caught myself wishing to turn back the hands of time. Wishing for this and for that but only to realise that all I have is now and for me to make it count and with all thats going on in my life, I am afraid to lose sight of this in the midst of all the chaos. It can easily be the most difficult thing in the world

I have no idea what 2024 is going to entail but I am trying to make sure that I enter the new year with a positive mindset. The grateful, blessed mindset with a new outlook on life. Wish I knew years ago that this is what growing up is. I used to always believe that life was like a tug of war where you have to fight to win and so I lived life on survival mode mostly. When I was told to relax and take life as it is, I panicked - in my mind that if I let go just a little bit, life will come crashing down

Now I am slowly accepting that I am just living life as it was written. Life will give to you naturally and all you have to do is navigate and make good decisions and most importantly, have a good heart and good intentions with you all the time. I believe God knows and acknowledges all that we do

What will be, will be - and so it is.

Happy New Year 2024, everybody!

This ship is only sailing towards the Northern Star

Note: I began writing this post a probably a week before 31st